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What’s the Deal with Thomas Yates on House of Cards?

10 Apr

Thomas Yates is a writer.  He’s supposedly a profound writer.  He’s written a bestselling novel called Scorpio.  (The book was based on Tom’s experiences selling sex and company to older men for money.)  He’s lauded by millions as the novelist of the twenty-first century.  He’s the writer of a generation.  He’s also a fictional character on the Netflix original series, House of Cards.  He’s also boring as hell.  Yet, people keep schtupping him on the show.  First it was Kate Baldwin, a Pulitzer-winning journalist for the fictional Wall Street Telegraph.  Next, it seems like it was Frank Underwood (looking back at season 3 when the two held hands).  Then, it was Clair Underwood herself. What’s the deal with Tom Yates?  Why does everyone succumb to his seduction?

Tom is kind of boring.  Here he is, looking very bored and sad at a book signing.

Boring Tom yates

Here he is drinking a very boring whiskey with the President.

yates and underwood

Tom is apparently a very deep thinker…

Tom Staring Off.jpg

He’s a low talker also.  What’s you deal, Tom?

I’m sorry…what was that again?

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But how does Frank feel about Tom?  What is the deal with Tom?

He Should Stay On.gif

Tom can give Claire what Frank cannot.  That D tho…that D.

 

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If You Don’t Use Wet Wipes, Then You’re Disgusting

11 Jun

Everyone’s best friend.

I must comment on a debate that took place last week on Gawker.  John Cook came out in opposition to the use of wet wipes following bowel movements by grown adults.  This position automatically makes me assume that John Cook is a disgusting person who does not take any pride in his own cleanliness nor does he likely understand that women often use wet wipes, especially when they want to be fresh for ahem, extracurricular activities.

Really, a wet wipe is man’s best friend.  If you are not using them after pushing your digested meals out of your you-know-what, you are probably disgusting and no one wants to touch you anyway. So there. So suck it up and buy a cute little pre-packaged box of personal wipes. You need them.  Do not fool yourself into thinking that your two ply bulk toilet paper from Costco is good enough to keep things so fresh and so clean.

This message is especially important for all ladies.  Summer’s Eve and Always both make amazing feminine wipes to keep everything legit downstairs.  I’ve heard stories form guy friends about things that can go awry with ladyparts if one does not use wet wipes. Do not become a disastrous hygiene story that lingers for years. Wipe your shit! Literally and figuratively.

Team wet wipes forever.

This message is brought to you by indignation toward poor hygiene.

EDIT:  This post is primarily about using wet wipes after one takes a shit. Apparently, some feminist is upset that this post seems to be referring to women only using wet wipes. NO. Men, women and children should all use wet wipes to clean up after a movement. If you cannot understand this, then just go away.

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Is Jon Hamm’s Penis the Greatest Troll in the History of Trolling?

27 Mar
Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm is a man. A man with a penis. A penis so glorious in its perceived girth and length that its all the Internets can talk about lately. It’s caused traffic jams and wars and endless water cooler talk.  People cannot get enough of Jon Hamm’s penis. Except for Jon Hamm. Despite the feverish obsession of late, Jon is not too pleased about the conversation about his equipment. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Hamm tells everyone that his privates are private for a reason and that he wishes everyone would stop talking about it. Really, Jon? Then why do you insist on going commando in public? Surely Hamm makes some sense, in the vein that not everyone likes to have their body parts talked about by others, but really, Jon Hamm is an idol. Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. This is nothing new in the world of celebrity. Jon Hamm is a gloriously handsome man and a great actor. Why not talk about his penis?

And now, photographic evidence of whatever is happening in Jon Hamm’s pants.

May I present exhibit A:

Just strolling.

Okay, WTF? What does he think people will be saying when they see a picture like this? He knows he is famous. He knows he will be photographed on the street. Perhaps he knows what we will be seeing.

Exhibit B:

From VH1.com

Jon Hamm – not wearing a cup.

Jon decided to play baseball while going commando. As a person who has known ball players, the first rule is to always wear a cup. Something could have gone horribly wrong for him on the field. And yet, he still chose to go cup-less. Are you people seeing what I’m seeing?

Is Jon Hamm trolling people with his equipment? Meh, who knows. Maybe he really is that clueless about what he has going on down below. Perhaps Hamm’s manhood is the life equivalent of Dr. Drew Baird, unwittingly succeeding in all that it does.

Just in case I one day get to meet Jon Hamm, I hope he never reads this and/or finds out that I am crazy enough to write about his “privates”. Or do I?

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Girls Demonstrates Why Sex Education is Important

1 May

Marnie entranced by the short yet profound Booth Jonathan.

This week’s episode of Lena Dunham’s Girls explored young Hannah Horvath’s plight after she learns she has HPV. What is most astonishing about this episode is not the fact that the show explores the topic of HPV to begin with, but the fact that all the main characters lack basic knowledge of what HPV is and how it’s detected in both sexes.  Thinking that she could have acquired HPV from her high school boyfriend, Hannah meets with Elijah, who is very obviously gay, though it takes her much too long to figure this out.  His telling her that the reason he was able to date her in high school because “there was a handsomeness” to her face is one of a few lines that elicited chuckles. After Hannah tells Elijah that she has HPV and feels that she may have acquired it from him, he finally educates her on the fact that HPV cannot be detected in males. No one else knew this for some reason. This is why sex education needs should be a part of school curriculum.

The other notable moment in this episode is a scene featuring Marnie (Allison Williams) and the supposedly handsome and dashing artiste, Booth Jonathan (Jorma Taccone, one-third of the Adam Sandberg comedy trio The Lonely Island).  What an awful name. Adding to the awfulness is Taccone’s delivery of the line, “I want you to know, the first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little, because I’m a man, and I know how to do things.” First off, gross. Who talks like that ever? Second, Jorma Taccone looks like he’s fifteen. I don’t get it. Can someone please explain?

This has been an unsolicited update on HBO’s Girls.

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Disappointing Celebrity Penises Throughout History

22 Mar

Penises! You hate what they’re attached to, but by god, you can’t live without them! They’re everywhere! And what sort of penis might everyone like? A celebrity’s penis!

Photos of celebrity penises are highly sought after, though there are reasons why I think this is silly. First off, people seem to assume that a celebrity usually has an impressive, beautiful penis, simply because it may be attached to someone talented and/or beautiful.  This is simply not the case. The truth is that most people have average, functional dicks that get the job done. Whether or not we realize it, celebrities are simply humans, most likely in possession of average penises. Second, what happens to these pictures of penises other than being published in Playgirl (often without permission of male celebrities) and eventually finding a home on an obscure gay porn website? They circulate the gossip websites for a couple of weeks and disappear forever. So in the end, no one cares about your penis. Put that thing away.

Yesterday I chose to give in to the latest celebrity penis hype and took a brief, lazy glance at the leaked photos of Chris Brown’s penis. I take that back. I stared for quite a while. I searched the photograph for hints of tampering. I noted the lighting and the use of a bathroom mirror, most likely in a hotel. But the actual penis in question? Meh. Average! It was probably medically normal and nothing to get excited over, just like most celebrity penises.

This disappointment in celebrity penises is nothing new. Surely there are several disappointing celebrity penis moments throughout history, which we shall now examine:

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #1: Tom Cruise

I'm angsty! Look at me gripping my football as though it were a metaphorical extension of myself! Wah!

 

 

Back in the dizzay, Tom Cruise starred in a movie about high school football and teen sex called All the Right Moves. This was really early in his career and he probably did not expect to become a star, so he likely dropped trou without thinking about anything but a paycheck. Overall Assessment: Smaller than average. More of a turn-off: scientology.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #2: Leonardo DiCaprio

Are you thinking about my penis? Why yes Leo, yes I am.

 

 

In another fascinating but rarely seen cinematic moment, my man Leonardo DiCaprio went the full frontal route. Playing gay poet Arthur Rimbaud, Leo flashed his goods for the love of art. Overall Assessment: Average. Would still hit it.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #3: Daniel Radcliffe

Don't look at us like that. You took off your pants on your own.

 

 

I really don’t care to see this one, but from what I’ve heard, Harry Potter is both smaller-than average and a bit, ahem, wild down there, if you will. I think I speak for all women when I say that it is important that men take as much care with their grooming as we often do. I mean, let’s be honest – would any man want to have their face in the equivalent of a buffalo fur? No, they wouldn’t. Overall Assessment: No thank you.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #4: Brad Pitt

The original example of blonde-haired perfection, William Bradley Pitt.

 

 

Some paparazzi photos from a few years back revealed what every person should know: size doesn’t always matter. Case in point: Brad Pitt’s average member. He’s so perfect-looking that it really shouldn’t matter anyway. However, ex-girlfriend Juliette Lewis once said that Pitt was “no BIG deal in bed”. Bitter are we, Juliette? Overall Assessment: If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me.

 


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If You Ever Want to Touch Me, You Must Have These Three Things in Your Wallet

5 Feb

A gold digger's dream: the American Express "Black" Card!

I am a very frightening woman with a sure sense of what she wants and how she’ll go about getting it. One of the things I am very particular about is the sort of man I’ll sleep with. Selectivity in this arena prevents emotional problems, disease, and pesky things known as “babies”.  It also preserves one’s place in the world as a respectable woman who will not simply spread her legs for any man buying her a drink in a bar and up the chances of finding a partner worthy of one’s presence.  I have a very simple checklist for men who are at the least worthy of talking to me, if at all.

These are the three things that must be in your wallet if you wish to say hello:

1. A valid form of picture ID (with the right man’s picture, of course). Many underestimate the power of knowing exactly who it is you are talking to. You will be surprised how many people repeatedly lie about who they are and where they’re from. At the least, this is the sign of an insecure man hoping to up his chances of getting laid by pretending he is a Harvard graduate, professional athlete, or resident of a gated community. In the worst-case scenarios, men without ID could be grifters, or even worse, serial killers. Once a young man approached me in a nightclub and claimed to be Australian. I immediately called him on his bluff (he had no idea who he was talking to) and asked to see his ID. When he opened his wallet, I glimpsed a peek of a Tennessee driver’s license and promptly sent the young man packing. Always check ID, though it does not have to be right away. Ask to see your date’s driver’s license picture if he pulls out his wallet to pay for something (which he should, anyway). This is a normal thing to ask someone.

2. A major credit card. Emphasis on major. I had a boyfriend who did not have a credit card when I met him. Take this as a red flag. If someone doesn’t have a credit card, it means one of two things:

  • They are one of those people who “don’t believe in credit” and hence only use only cash, which is indicative of other problems (drug dealing, if they are always carrying excessive cash) or of a complacent attitude that will never get someone anywhere in life. Credit runs everything in this shitty, capital-dependent world. This person probably also takes night classes at the community college in academically irrelevant topics like sociology or psychology (the latter of which you will need a doctorate to ever do anything with). BEWARE.
  • They have shitty credit or no credit at all, which means they’ll always be a poor.

You also want to be wary of people with Paypal credit cards. This probably means that their job is selling stuff on eBay. Aim higher. Obviously the best option is a normal platinum Visa, preferably one that garners frequent flier miles. This indicates someone who likes to travel.

3. A gym membership card. Let’s be honest. Sex is a shallow, shallow thing, and no one has sex with someone because they have a great personality. People have sex with people they’re attracted to, and it should remain that way. A recent experience lead me to believe that some men like to hide the fact that they do not go to the gym with oversize clothing and strategic styles of leaning. No, I do not want your soft, amoeba-like body draped over mine. Go to the gym and lift some weights. Someone who does not take care of their body from a young age is no one I want to have as a boyfriend. When you’re out meeting people, always emphasize your interest in fitness to weed out the amoebas. A hard, athletic body is a must for me – it may not be for other women, but for me it’s required.

….and yes, I am a bit of a ball-buster. Thanks for reading!

Redundancy in Hollywood: No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits

21 Jan

Following the critical success of Black Swan, both Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis chose to make what appears to be the same movie to kick of 2011. Despite the high chances that Portman will win the Best Actress Oscar, her next movie is the fluff piece, No Strings Attached, opposite Ashton Kutcher. The film follows a simple premise: two close friends, a guy and a girl, try to use each other only for sex. Of course it’s a terrible idea and when people attempt a friends with benefits situation, and will always backfire. At least one person (though it usually will turn out to be both) will begin to have these strange things called “feelings” for the other person. A fuck buddy situation is a recipe for disaster.

The first film, No Strings Attached, which I already saw on Friday, follows the recurring meetings of Emma (Natalie Portman), a freshly-out-of med school hospital resident, and Adam (Ashton Kutcher), an aspiring television writer struggling through a “career” as a production assistant on a crappy tv show for teens and living in the shadow of his famous father (Kevin Kline).  I think the movie offered some great laughs and a barrage of lines that will become classics (“Blow is blind”, “It’s like a crime scene in my pants.”) The movie also has a cast of great feminist actresses: Mindy Kaling, Greta Gerwig, Olivia Thirlby, Lake Bell. Overall, cute movie, a little overly sentimental at the end. Here is the trailer:

The second movie documenting an awkward friends with benefits situation is the blatantly-titled Friends with Benefits, starring the less-talented Mila Kunis and the seemingly endlessly talented Justin Timberlake. The only thing I can say for this movie so far is that it portrays oral sex performed on a woman – a much welcome change in Hollywood’s typical fare that indicates men are fearful of down there.  One rule of thumb for whether you should keep a man is if he goes down on women – real men always do, and enjoy it. Losers are scared by cunnilingus. Anyway, JT is looking fiiiiiiiiiinnne in this movie. The trailer for Friends with Benefits:


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I Wish I Thought of This First: “Bangable Dudes in History”

10 Jan

A very clever blogger is in need of my admiration. The author of the blog “Bangable Dudes in History”stumbled upon a golden idea I wish I thought of first simply due to the fact that her blog combines two things I enjoy very much: doin’ it and history. I’ve decided to put together my shortlist of bangable dudes in history – enjoy!

1. If anyone reading this knows me personally, this guy is my obvious first pick! John F. Kennedy:

A lot of people think both Bobby and Teddy were hotter, but Bobby had too much chest hair for my taste and Teddy had too much alcoholism. It’s best to stick to the man himself. Also deserving of an honorable mention:

JFK’s son John John. I had a gigantic crush on him when I was in middle school and I cried for days when he passed away.

2. If you are interested in photographs of hot men throughout history, perhaps you’d be interested in learning about one of the men who took one of the first photographs EVER:

Meet Robert Cornelius, who took this self-portrait in 1839. Check out the sex hair on this guy! Not only did he contribute to the development of the daguerreotype, but he also managed to contribute to the catalog of hot men in history.

3. Uh-oh, you might be familiar with this infamous man:

In spite of Che’s association with the not-so-hot Fidel Castro (also not-so-politically-appealing), Che always looked fly in his fatigues and beret. And that cigar in his mouth only makes me wonder at the oral wonders that could ensue with such a man. Viva la revolucion!

4. Give it up for this next guy, who was awesome enough to die in a duel:

Long before Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell asked us to call them “Aaron Burr from the way we’re dropping Hamiltons,” Alexander Hamilton was busy establishing the U.S. Mint and the first national bank. A bona fide financial badass, he’d likely be rolling around in his grave if he saw what was going on today. Speaking of his grave, you can visit his tomb at Trinity Church in NYC on the corners of Broadway and Wall Street.

5. For fans of the Civil War, behold young Robert E. Lee:

A far cry from the white-bearded Confederate general he grew up to be, young Robert E. Lee resembled a John Travolta type, complete with a cleft chin. Considering his surrender at Appomattox, just imagine what else Lee would be willing to surrender in bed!

6. Are you familiar with the Haymarket Riot of 1886? Well this guy may or may not have somehow been involved:

Louis Lingg was a German anarchist writer sentenced to death following the Haymarket bombing. Before he could be executed, he committed suicide by putting a piece of dynamite in his mouth. That sounds pretty horrific, doesn’t it? You know what doesn’t sound horrific? Louis Lingg exploding in my underwear.

Look for another edition in the future!

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You’re A Whore: God Forbid Women Enjoy Sex

17 Dec

Get it, girl!

God forbid women enjoy sex – that appears to be the general consensus among the greater public. In my 23 years of being a girl, and now a young woman, I have encountered a very prominent distaste for the idea that a woman can possibly enjoy sex and pursue it of her own free will.

Girls are groomed to be trophies: pure and virginal, shiny and new. Any sexual knowledge and/or a drive for sex tarnishes women and leaves them to gather cobwebs at the back of the proverbial bookshelf. A woman’s value is linked to the number of people she’s slept with; the higher the number goes, the more tainted her worth becomes.

How did it come to be that women are judged by such silly standards? Unfortunately, the idea that women are to be thought of as little more than property without the right to decide with whom she is sexual and when, can be traced back to one of the earliest texts still enjoying high circulation today – The Bible. The Bible tells the tale of Eve, Earth’s first woman, who God created from one of Adam’s ribs.  As a product of the flesh of man, Eve was hence the property of Adam, and in her committing Earth’s first sin, she set in motion the whore complex that women continue to battle to this day. The burden women carry for being blamed for the world’s problems stems from the sin of lust – and Eve’s lusting after an apple basically doomed all us women to a life of subservience. Thanks, Eve. Whore.

I have one more qualm with the sexual expectations placed on women. I find it very interesting how women are constantly told that they will not find a man suitable to be a husband in a bar. I enjoy going to bars. Many women enjoy going to bars. Does this make these women any less desirable as romantic partners? Why is it that we are told that the men who go to bars are any worse than the women? Sure, you probably are more likely to encounter sleazy guys at sleazy bars, but there are plenty of normal people in bars as well. I met my latest romantic interest in a bar, and he’s only a little bit insane. With that being said, simply employ common sense when meeting people at bars and clubs. Everyone has at least a little bit wrong with them, and that’s perfectly okay. Looking to get laid is different from looking for a long term romantic partner.

Avoiding being labeled a whore would likely entail living a monastic life in the rolling hills of Lichtenstein. Many people (mostly men) gain some sort of power trip by referring to women as sluts and whores, and ignoring them is your best defense. (Or a taser, which are illegal in most states.) Slut-shaming is NEVER okay, and you can do your part to eliminate the verbal abuse of women by correcting those who use such derogatory terms in reference to women.

So ladies, if you’re looking to get some, go get some and pay no mind to the haters. And always be sure to practice safe sex.

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Ryan Reynolds? Really? Okay, People Magazine…

17 Nov

The most important announcement of the year came out today – Ryan Reynolds is the Sexiest Man Alive 2010 as chosen by People Magazine.  This decision came as a huge surprise to me – as a connoisseur of People’s annual man-flesh fest, the last person I expected to be on this year’s cover is Reynolds. I don’t think he’s even been in any movies since last year’s The Proposal, which did give us a good view of Mr. Reynolds’s washboard abs. (See exhibit A.)

Exhibit A: Ryan Reynolds's Abs.

The title Sexiest Man Alive carries a lot of heft behind it – many a leading man have had the honor of carrying a title that is somehow both ripe with meaning yet completely arbitrary all at once. Four men have won the title twice – Richard Gere, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp. Those are some extremely sexy men, though I hope Brad Pitt will be able to take the title a third time sometime in his fifties. Because, damn. It does not get much better than Brad Fucking Pitt.

What one must also keep in mind when considering People‘s list, is that sexiness is a completely subjective trait. What I may find sexy about one man may be a complete turn-off for another woman. Also, being handsome does not equal being sexy. A man can have a square jaw, ocean-blue eyes, and sandy blonde hair and still be entirely unsexy.  This is because sexy has to do with many other factors, among which I include personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and general swagger.

Let me give you a real-life situation. I have a  lingering interest in two men we shall refer to as Guy A and Guy B. Guy A is handsome by my standards (square jaw, blonde, blue-eyed, and athletic) while Guy B is also handsome by my standards (square jaw, blonde, blue-eyed, and athletic). However, Guy B, though he is very polite, appears to have no visible sense of humor and takes himself super-seriously. Guy A, though he often comes off as an asshole to those who may not know too much about him, makes me laugh constantly and gives me orgasms without us actually having sex. I choose Guy A for obvious reasons – also, I may or not be attracted to him because of the way his skin smells – this reason supports to the theory that we are inherently attracted to those with immune systems very different from our own immune systems, which we discern from the smell of another person’s skin. It’s true. I heard about this in one of my favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, so it must be true.

Anyway, now that I’ve bored you with that story, I must say that the surprise of Ryan Reynolds being named Sexiest Man Alive does not stem from his not being sexy. The title “Sexiest Man Alive” is often reserved for huge movie stars and the sons of Presidents (JFK Jr. was the only non-actor to win the title in 1988. But he deserved it, because he was really fucking hot.) Reynolds really is sexy, funny, and seemingly fly as hell, but it also seems that there are some sexier men of the moment that were overlooked.

There’s Jon Hamm, for instance, whose real-life personality makes him both a huge nerd and completely endearing because of it.

Exhibit B: Jon Hamm as Don Draper.

What about Alexander Skarsgaard, of True Blood fame?

Exhibit C: Alexander is all man.

Or what of my personal choice, Leonardo DiCaprio? The man just turned 36 – he’s all man, and one day I will make him mine!

Exhibit D: Leo, completely perfect in my wanting eyes.

We shall see who wins next year. In the meantime, enjoy your glory, Mr. Reynolds.

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