Tag Archives: Jon Hamm

Is Jon Hamm’s Penis the Greatest Troll in the History of Trolling?

27 Mar
Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm is a man. A man with a penis. A penis so glorious in its perceived girth and length that its all the Internets can talk about lately. It’s caused traffic jams and wars and endless water cooler talk.  People cannot get enough of Jon Hamm’s penis. Except for Jon Hamm. Despite the feverish obsession of late, Jon is not too pleased about the conversation about his equipment. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Hamm tells everyone that his privates are private for a reason and that he wishes everyone would stop talking about it. Really, Jon? Then why do you insist on going commando in public? Surely Hamm makes some sense, in the vein that not everyone likes to have their body parts talked about by others, but really, Jon Hamm is an idol. Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. This is nothing new in the world of celebrity. Jon Hamm is a gloriously handsome man and a great actor. Why not talk about his penis?

And now, photographic evidence of whatever is happening in Jon Hamm’s pants.

May I present exhibit A:

Just strolling.

Okay, WTF? What does he think people will be saying when they see a picture like this? He knows he is famous. He knows he will be photographed on the street. Perhaps he knows what we will be seeing.

Exhibit B:

From VH1.com

Jon Hamm – not wearing a cup.

Jon decided to play baseball while going commando. As a person who has known ball players, the first rule is to always wear a cup. Something could have gone horribly wrong for him on the field. And yet, he still chose to go cup-less. Are you people seeing what I’m seeing?

Is Jon Hamm trolling people with his equipment? Meh, who knows. Maybe he really is that clueless about what he has going on down below. Perhaps Hamm’s manhood is the life equivalent of Dr. Drew Baird, unwittingly succeeding in all that it does.

Just in case I one day get to meet Jon Hamm, I hope he never reads this and/or finds out that I am crazy enough to write about his “privates”. Or do I?

Mad Men: Betty Francis Gets Fat.

4 Apr

After 17 long months (I had TWO birthdays during the time one of my favorite shows was off the air), Mad Men returned to AMC last week.  Now set in 1966, the show opens long after Don’s marriage to young bride Megan and the birth of Joan’s son. This week, we finally learned what became of Betty Draper Francis after not seeing her in the season premiere: she got fat.

It was obvious to me why the plot was chosen by the writers.  January Jones was pregnant when the season began shooting, and how could Betty possibly have another kid after having Gene in season three? Two pregnancies for one actress in one television series is just silly.  January’s puffy face was clearly the work of makeup artists who chose to use whatever fake-looking prosthetics they always use to make a thin person look fat.  Remember that episode of Tyra where the model learned what it was to be fat for one day? Her face looked like it was melting off. January’s face was no different. The real problem is that from some angles, Betty didn’t even look that big.  It’s only when the camera got really close to her face or showed her profile that anyone would notice a significant difference.

Betty’s explanation for her weight gain is a thyroid problem, and the rest of the episode follows her terrifying quest to find out whether or not she may have cancer.  Despite that terrifying prospect, Betty seems to lighten up (finally) and finishes off little Sally’s ice cream sundae. Is that all it took for Betty to lighten up a little bit? Some ice cream? In spite of Betty enjoying that sundae, I predict she’ll develop some sort of eating disorder during the season.  A former model and wife to two powerful men, Betty Draper will. not. stay. fat. Will Betty get those diet pills she so desperately craves? An all-new episode of Mad Men will air this Sunday at 9/8 EST on AMC. I wish I were getting paid to say that.

Ryan Reynolds? Really? Okay, People Magazine

17 Nov

The most important announcement of the year came out today – Ryan Reynolds is the Sexiest Man Alive 2010 as chosen by People Magazine.  This decision came as a huge surprise to me – as a connoisseur of People’s annual man-flesh fest, the last person I expected to be on this year’s cover is Reynolds. I don’t think he’s even been in any movies since last year’s The Proposal, which did give us a good view of Mr. Reynolds’s washboard abs. (See exhibit A.)

Exhibit A: Ryan Reynolds's Abs.

The title Sexiest Man Alive carries a lot of heft behind it – many a leading man have had the honor of carrying a title that is somehow both ripe with meaning yet completely arbitrary all at once. Four men have won the title twice – Richard Gere, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp. Those are some extremely sexy men, though I hope Brad Pitt will be able to take the title a third time sometime in his fifties. Because, damn. It does not get much better than Brad Fucking Pitt.

What one must also keep in mind when considering People‘s list, is that sexiness is a completely subjective trait. What I may find sexy about one man may be a complete turn-off for another woman. Also, being handsome does not equal being sexy. A man can have a square jaw, ocean-blue eyes, and sandy blonde hair and still be entirely unsexy.  This is because sexy has to do with many other factors, among which I include personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and general swagger.

Let me give you a real-life situation. I have a  lingering interest in two men we shall refer to as Guy A and Guy B. Guy A is handsome by my standards (square jaw, blonde, blue-eyed, and athletic) while Guy B is also handsome by my standards (square jaw, blonde, blue-eyed, and athletic). However, Guy B, though he is very polite, appears to have no visible sense of humor and takes himself super-seriously. Guy A, though he often comes off as an asshole to those who may not know too much about him, makes me laugh constantly and gives me orgasms without us actually having sex. I choose Guy A for obvious reasons – also, I may or not be attracted to him because of the way his skin smells – this reason supports to the theory that we are inherently attracted to those with immune systems very different from our own immune systems, which we discern from the smell of another person’s skin. It’s true. I heard about this in one of my favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, so it must be true.

Anyway, now that I’ve bored you with that story, I must say that the surprise of Ryan Reynolds being named Sexiest Man Alive does not stem from his not being sexy. The title “Sexiest Man Alive” is often reserved for huge movie stars and the sons of Presidents (JFK Jr. was the only non-actor to win the title in 1988. But he deserved it, because he was really fucking hot.) Reynolds really is sexy, funny, and seemingly fly as hell, but it also seems that there are some sexier men of the moment that were overlooked.

There’s Jon Hamm, for instance, whose real-life personality makes him both a huge nerd and completely endearing because of it.

Exhibit B: Jon Hamm as Don Draper.

What about Alexander Skarsgaard, of True Blood fame?

Exhibit C: Alexander is all man.

Or what of my personal choice, Leonardo DiCaprio? The man just turned 36 – he’s all man, and one day I will make him mine!

Exhibit D: Leo, completely perfect in my wanting eyes.

We shall see who wins next year. In the meantime, enjoy your glory, Mr. Reynolds.