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You Can Pry My Maxi Dresses Out of My Cold, Dead Hands

9 May

Quite recently, Sarah Miller of Jezebel attempted to argue that the maxi dress is an ugly item that no one needs to wear.  I have one thing to say to Sarah Miller: she can pry my maxi dresses out of my cold, dead, withered hands.  The maxi dress may not flatter every body type, and it looks less perfect on women of a shorter stature.  But for a tall woman, which is something I am familiar with being at 5’11”, the maxi dress is a godsend and the gift that keeps on giving.

The maxi dress burst onto the fashion scene most recently between 2007 and 2008.  At this time I was still a student at NYU, and every NYU girl was wearing the maxi dress.  Now, I live in Los Angeles and perform as a comedian.  The maxi dress is still a staple for Los Angeles women.  The maxi dress is here to stay.  Believed to have first appeared in 1968 as a part of an Oscar de la Renta collection, the maxi dress was popular throughout the 1970s but eventually fizzled out.  However, the maxi dress is holding strong as a staple of the last eight or nine years.

Perhaps the most flaws part of Miller’s argument is that she believes that women with her body type – tall and busty – do not look good in maxi dresses.  I am tall and busty, and I swear by the maxi dress.  Being tall and busty means that you sometimes cannot wear things that you would like to wear, just like every body type struggles at times.  For example, I would love to wear more button-up shirts.  Do they work on me?  Not really, because the buttons are oft pushed apart by my bustiness.  I would also like to wear more jeans, but a lot of jeans are not cut in a way that makes me feel good in them.  Maxi dresses are a universally flattering and fun piece that will most likely not cause any woman to bang her head against the proverbial fitting room of life.

However, some are trying to say that Miller’s piece was an attempt at satire.  If she was trying to be facetious, she chose the wrong thing to be facetious about, as a maxi dress is something I would protect with my life.  Now excuse me while I enjoy this May day in my maxi dress.  Today I am wearing this maxi dress by Felicity & Coco:

Felicity and Coco dress

 

Tra la la!!! I love maxi dresses and you pry mine out of my dead hands, Sarah Miller!

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If You Don’t Use Wet Wipes, Then You’re Disgusting

11 Jun

Everyone’s best friend.

I must comment on a debate that took place last week on Gawker.  John Cook came out in opposition to the use of wet wipes following bowel movements by grown adults.  This position automatically makes me assume that John Cook is a disgusting person who does not take any pride in his own cleanliness nor does he likely understand that women often use wet wipes, especially when they want to be fresh for ahem, extracurricular activities.

Really, a wet wipe is man’s best friend.  If you are not using them after pushing your digested meals out of your you-know-what, you are probably disgusting and no one wants to touch you anyway. So there. So suck it up and buy a cute little pre-packaged box of personal wipes. You need them.  Do not fool yourself into thinking that your two ply bulk toilet paper from Costco is good enough to keep things so fresh and so clean.

This message is especially important for all ladies.  Summer’s Eve and Always both make amazing feminine wipes to keep everything legit downstairs.  I’ve heard stories form guy friends about things that can go awry with ladyparts if one does not use wet wipes. Do not become a disastrous hygiene story that lingers for years. Wipe your shit! Literally and figuratively.

Team wet wipes forever.

This message is brought to you by indignation toward poor hygiene.

EDIT:  This post is primarily about using wet wipes after one takes a shit. Apparently, some feminist is upset that this post seems to be referring to women only using wet wipes. NO. Men, women and children should all use wet wipes to clean up after a movement. If you cannot understand this, then just go away.

Things I Almost Tattooed On My Body (Thankfully I Did Not)

8 Jan

Ah, youth. The sweet sting of broken hearts and the beginnings of alcoholism. Living it up while you’re young (see, YOLO) is a major part of American society, as is making the commitment to allow another human being stab permanent markings into your skin with a sharp needle. Tattoos are fun and by god, they will help you show off your awesome personality and the things you loved, even for a moment in the turning gears of time.

There are several tattoos I’ve considered in my short lifetime, and all of them were really stupid ideas. Here, a list of the things I almost allowed a stranger to stab onto my body in permanent ink:

1. Drama Masks

Photo from DeviantArt.com

Uh-oh. This girl was not so lucky.

When I was in high school I was extremely involved in theater.  While I still love theater, my former favorite activity has taken a backseat to my goal of writing for film and television.  It’s a good thing I did not get this tattooed on my body not only for my personal interests changing, but also this is the kind of tattoo that can really frighten someone when they see you naked for the first time. I mean, what is up with the sad face? It looks like a Dali painting gone wrong.

2. Flower near my crotch

I used to think it would be kickass to have a tattoo of a flower right above, well, my flower. This was a dumb idea and it also did not come to fruition.

3. Lady Gaga lyrics

I went through a pretty serious though brief Lady Gaga obsession a couple of years ago.  It was around the time that Gaga released the song “Bad Romance” off of The Fame Monster. The lyrics in question? “I’m a freak bitch, baby”.  Why did I think this was so awesome? I though it would look pretty cool placed on my left hip wrapping around the area where my underwear would hit.  That way guys would see it and feel super lucky to be with a “freak bitch”. Seriously.  This was a rough time in my life and I would prefer if you withheld all judgment.

4. A Colorado flag

Photo from Westword.

What does this even mean? When did the great flag of Colorado take a beating?

I grew up in colorado and although it is an amazing place full of natural beauty and old friends, I really hate it here now. I do not want anything associated with this place on my body. Thanks but no thanks. I doubt the flag of the Centennial State would have held its shape if I lived for a century.

5. “Shhh…” on my index finger

OMG Rihanna, we get it.

Sometime in 2008 or so a few celebrity ladies started getting “Shhh…” tattooed on their index fingers.  Rihanna was one of them. Lily Allen was another one. It was stupid and I have no idea why I thought this would have been a good idea.  Young people are silly.

6. John Mayer tribute tattoo.

John. John!!! Why are you so weird and have to say weird dumb things in magazines that make people hate you? why can’t we go back to those wonderful and simple times where I cried myself to sleep listening to “Room for Squares” and dreamt of marrying Leonardo DiCaprio (the Gangs of New York version, specifically)? I really wanted to tattoo one of your album logos on myself. Let’s go back to being a musical genius. Yes?

And that was a brief overview of the things I almost tattooed on my body. Let’s take a moment of silence to reflect on those who were not so lucky and chose to memorialize their love for things like Limp Bizkit and tootsie rolls in the form of tattoos. Those people deserve our sympathy.

Attempting the 30 Day Shred

20 Jun

Hey there, American fatty. Having trouble buttoning your pants because you are too busy holding a Nestle Drumstick on one hand and a tub of KFC in the other? How about working out? What’s that? You don’t have enough time because you have to work three shitty jobs just to be able to afford your Nestle Drumsticks and KFC?

Americans are fat. Let’s face it. Soon we will all be wearing government-issued spandex pants and be forced to live off of only high fructose corn syrup (or “corn sugar,” as the government is trying to call it) while we are forced to labor in office chairs all day long.

For one month I will be surrendering my spandex pants, drumsticks and KFC for a little thing I like to call Jillian Michaels’s 30 Day Shred. If you are not familiar with Jillian Michaels, she used to be the trainer on NBC’s The Biggest Loser who always had contests pull her across rooms using their animal strength. She is scary. She yells. And she employs what she calls the “3-2-1” system, which uses 3 minutes of strength, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs. It really is supposed to work, and for 30 days, I will test it out.  I will post again at the end of 30 days to report on my progress. Wish me luck. I’m off to eat my last drumstick.

Disappointing Celebrity Penises Throughout History

22 Mar

Penises! You hate what they’re attached to, but by god, you can’t live without them! They’re everywhere! And what sort of penis might everyone like? A celebrity’s penis!

Photos of celebrity penises are highly sought after, though there are reasons why I think this is silly. First off, people seem to assume that a celebrity usually has an impressive, beautiful penis, simply because it may be attached to someone talented and/or beautiful.  This is simply not the case. The truth is that most people have average, functional dicks that get the job done. Whether or not we realize it, celebrities are simply humans, most likely in possession of average penises. Second, what happens to these pictures of penises other than being published in Playgirl (often without permission of male celebrities) and eventually finding a home on an obscure gay porn website? They circulate the gossip websites for a couple of weeks and disappear forever. So in the end, no one cares about your penis. Put that thing away.

Yesterday I chose to give in to the latest celebrity penis hype and took a brief, lazy glance at the leaked photos of Chris Brown’s penis. I take that back. I stared for quite a while. I searched the photograph for hints of tampering. I noted the lighting and the use of a bathroom mirror, most likely in a hotel. But the actual penis in question? Meh. Average! It was probably medically normal and nothing to get excited over, just like most celebrity penises.

This disappointment in celebrity penises is nothing new. Surely there are several disappointing celebrity penis moments throughout history, which we shall now examine:

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #1: Tom Cruise

I'm angsty! Look at me gripping my football as though it were a metaphorical extension of myself! Wah!

 

 

Back in the dizzay, Tom Cruise starred in a movie about high school football and teen sex called All the Right Moves. This was really early in his career and he probably did not expect to become a star, so he likely dropped trou without thinking about anything but a paycheck. Overall Assessment: Smaller than average. More of a turn-off: scientology.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #2: Leonardo DiCaprio

Are you thinking about my penis? Why yes Leo, yes I am.

 

 

In another fascinating but rarely seen cinematic moment, my man Leonardo DiCaprio went the full frontal route. Playing gay poet Arthur Rimbaud, Leo flashed his goods for the love of art. Overall Assessment: Average. Would still hit it.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #3: Daniel Radcliffe

Don't look at us like that. You took off your pants on your own.

 

 

I really don’t care to see this one, but from what I’ve heard, Harry Potter is both smaller-than average and a bit, ahem, wild down there, if you will. I think I speak for all women when I say that it is important that men take as much care with their grooming as we often do. I mean, let’s be honest – would any man want to have their face in the equivalent of a buffalo fur? No, they wouldn’t. Overall Assessment: No thank you.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #4: Brad Pitt

The original example of blonde-haired perfection, William Bradley Pitt.

 

 

Some paparazzi photos from a few years back revealed what every person should know: size doesn’t always matter. Case in point: Brad Pitt’s average member. He’s so perfect-looking that it really shouldn’t matter anyway. However, ex-girlfriend Juliette Lewis once said that Pitt was “no BIG deal in bed”. Bitter are we, Juliette? Overall Assessment: If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me.

 


The Sexy Halloween Costume: Keeping Feminists Awake at Night

30 Oct
Sexy Ghostbuster!

Something tells me that Bill Murray would still like this.

There exists a bit of vitriol for the “sexy” costumes that now fill the Halloween landscape. Once a holiday completely dedicated to the gore-ish, All Hallow’s Eve is now a celebration of the whorish. Walk into any of those temporary Halloween stores in your local mall and you will encounter a special section of sexy costumes – sexy devils, sexy angels, sexy Dorothy, sexy cop, sexy Bob Ross…you get the idea. Halloween is a holiday for sexy times just as much as it is for scary times, and I happily choose to embrace both factions of this Halloween conundrum, in spite of being a man-hating feminist (sarcasm intended).

Feminists very much tend to hate sexy Halloween costumes. I am quite wary of several recent posts on Jezebel denouncing the meteoric rise of the sexy Halloween costume. I feel that it’s fine and dandy to want to see people be much more creative than hiking up their skirts and calling it a costume, but how is it okay to denounce women who choose to dress sexy for Halloween? Jezebel chose to invite women to post pictures of their least-sexy Halloween costumes in this post. The results are actually quite amusing – fellow Jezzies dressed as everything from Big Bird to Pat from It’s Pat to Antoine Dodson (of “Bed Intruder” fame) to The Golden Girls to a leper. That’s quite a show of creativity from great feminist minds. However, this post was also meant to tear down those women who choose to vamp it up for Halloween.

My Halloween game stepped up when I was in college in New York City – NYC is THE city for Halloween fun, and people are SERIOUS about their costumes. While in school, I dressed as a French person (very hipster-like of me, I know), Wonder Woman, and my personal favorite, Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. Now that I am out of college, I feel that Halloween is a holiday to treasure for its partying craziness and creativity potential. My costume idea for this year stemmed from a bizarre social interaction – one which I will explain in a future post on Fixed Air. I dressed up as a dominatrix this year, which lead me to decide that very few people have the balls to do any such thing.

So did I show a little extra skin this year? Did men stop and stare a little harder? Did I break the unwritten feminist cardinal rule of NEVER dressing sexy on Halloween? Yes, yes, and yes. There is little wrong with showing one’s sexy side on a night when anything goes, and I am proud to call myself both a feminist and a sexy woman. I will fight for the sexy cops, sexy Dorothys, and sexy devils until the end of time – they have a right to wear those costumes with just as much gusto as a woman dressing as un-sexy Dwight from The Office (yes, I’ve seen this done several times over). Happy Sex-o-Ween!!!

If you’d like to see me in costume as Madame Roux (yes, I did name my dominatrix alter-ego), please click here.

No, My Body is Not for Your Viewing Pleasure, Thank You Much.

20 Aug

The dreaded miniskirt - a gaurantor of catcalls.

A recent conversation among friends (in addition to this Jezebel post) prompted me to comment on what I feel is one of the most tragic, perpetual obstacles facing girls and women everywhere. The constant objectification of the female body is a challenge presented to all women, regardless of whether they want such attention. The matter of clothing, and the question of whether women can attract “negative” attention by wearing certain things, is becoming a hot-button issue in the media. I remember Bill O’Reilly had made some comments regarding a young woman, Jennifer Moore, who was raped and murdered in New York City. For some reason, the fact that she had worn a miniskirt out that night made it into the reporting of her brutal murder. O’Reilly, ever the scumbag, made this gem of a comment on his show:

She was 5-foot-2, 105 pounds, wearing a miniskirt and a halter top with a bare midriff. Now, again, there you go. So every predator in the world is gonna pick that up at 2 in the morning.

The idea that the victim of such a horrific crime could be somehow culpable for her fate is truly nauseating.

Every day, women are subjected to unwanted evaluations of her appearance. This is not due simply to what she could be wearing – this is because women are institutionally perceived as sexual objects free to be rated and criticized by men. How do I know this? It happens to me every day, no matter what I’m wearing.

Women, whether we like it or not, are subject to a constant stream of assessments of our face, body, and overall physical appearance. Men constantly decide whether we are “desirable” or “fuckable”. We are the entertainment for our male counterparts. Many men (I’m not trying to make a blanket statement here, but trust me, it’s a lot of men) believe they have a right to rate and judge the appearance of every woman who crosses their path. Cat calls, whistling, nasty comments (“Spread those legs, mami,”) are often the norm in the lives of most women. I believe I first noticed men looking at me when I was little more than ten years old. Of course I was tall (perhaps around 5’4″ at that time) for my age and probably had begun developing in my chest, but I was nowhere near mentally or emotionally capable of understanding what was happening when I saw men leering at me. Adolescence can be a frightening thing for either sex, but with the growing emphasis on the sexual worth of young women, the difficulty of growing up as a girl in a society that seems to value the appearance of a woman above any other attribute can be devastating and confusing.

This constant objectification has spread into the educational realm, as well. At my high school, girls whose outfits were deemed “inappropriate” were forced to wear an over-sized yellow t-shirt for the rest of the day. I remember my sister being subjected to this barbaric display of control when she was a sophomore. I also noticed that the girls who were often forced to wear the big yellow t-shirt were the girls more often known as “troublemakers”. I would often wear tank tops or shirts that gave hints of cleavage, things very similar to what the other girls were wearing, but I never had to wear the t-shirt. This has led me to believe that certain girls were targets for breaking these dress code rules, while others (the A students, the Homecoming court, etc.) were the exception to this rule.

So what can be done to reduce the horror that comes with having breasts and hips? Nothing, really. Parents can take the extra steps to help educate their children on the sensitive nature of a developing body, which could perhaps change the attitudes of people over time. I know that if I have a son in this lifetime, I will surely teach him to keep any sexual thoughts he has to himself while in the company of young women. That’s probably the least I can do. Respect for women begins within the family, and it’s a parent’s responsibility to portray this ideal. Sexual thoughts, however, are natural, and it should not be a goal to suppress such a thing. Exercising discretion is likely the best anyone can do.

Unless something magical happens to change how society views women and their bodies, I will likely continue to endure catcalls and leering eyes for however long men will think I’m “hot”. Because being hot is the only thing a woman should have going for her – ignore her mind, humor, and values. She is tits, ass, and legs – nothing more. This is reality, and it’s sad for us all, but at least I look pretty living in it.

Learn Something New Today: Diastema

30 Jan

Lara Stone and her sexy diastema

The term diastema refers to the gap that is often present between an individual’s two front teeth. What most people fail to recognize is that a diastema is not “fixable” with braces. In order to close the gap between two front teeth, one must undergo surgery to cut away a piece of muscle that causes the teeth to be pushed apart. This is just too much effort. It is much more productive to admire your diastema in the mirror for a while and then call it a day.

I have a diastema, and I feel that it is one of the sexiest things anyone can have. I know what you may be thinking: “Is she crazy?”, “She must be afraid of dentists,” “Hillbilly!” I am sure that there must be a time when I did not like the space between my two front teeth, but I remember reading an article around the age of 13 that discussed how a person with a diastema is often a highly sexual being. This must have made me feel very grown up – I have no comment on whether this is true about myself. It should also be noted that Geoffrey Chaucer may have started this theory in Canterbury Tales when he described the “gap-toothed wife of Bath” – who also happened to be a very lustful woman. My gap adds character to my face – I would likely look like a completely different person if I were to close it. I also have professional reasons for not wanting to close my gap. I cannot stand perfect teeth on actors. If an actor is playing the role of an indigent, or a single mother of six, or a blue-collar worker fighting for labor rights, why the hell should they have perfect teeth? I have heard more than one acting teacher tell their students to never fix their teeth. You can bleach them if you want, and if your mouth isn’t full of rotting stumps, you’re likely good to go.

My biggest pet peeve is when others criticize you for things that you either A) cannot change or B) are unwilling to change about your physical appearance. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked why I didn’t want to close the gaps in my teeth, I would have enough money for Invisalign. But I would take that money and go on vacation instead. Other people’s teeth are none of our damn business. I hate how people are always commenting on Jewel’s teeth, when really, she one has one abnormal tooth. I find it empowering that she hasn’t succumbed to the wave of tooth perfection fetishism that has swept the country.

A gap between your two front teeth is so unbelievably sexy – when I think of a proper diastema, I think of Lauren Hutton, America’s first supermodel (Janice Dickinson was really not the first supermodel). Hutton has a stunning, impalpable beauty, yet she has a gap between her teeth. Yesterday, Jezebel posted a piece that stated because of the popularity of Anna Paquin and Lara Stone, women are asking to have the gap in their teeth recreated. If someone had told these women how cute their gap was in the first place, they wouldn’t have to spend thousands to get something they were born with!

Other celebrities rocking the diastema: Jorja Fox, Kate Moss, Sandra Bernhard, Prince Harry, Jennifer Hudson, Vanessa Paradis, Laurence Fishburne, Condoleeza Rice, Elton John, David Letterman, Bill Paxton, Laura San Giacomo, Paul Scheer, Maya Angelou, and Madonna (whose gap seems to have closed up – say it isn’t so, your Madgesty!).

If you have a diastema, take a look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I’m sexy.” Because you are, damnit! And never let anyone try to tell you otherwise. If they do, they’re nothing but a jealous lemming.