If You Ever Want to Touch Me, You Must Have These Three Things in Your Wallet

A gold digger's dream: the American Express "Black" Card!

I am a very frightening woman with a sure sense of what she wants and how she’ll go about getting it. One of the things I am very particular about is the sort of man I’ll sleep with. Selectivity in this arena prevents emotional problems, disease, and pesky things known as “babies”.  It also preserves one’s place in the world as a respectable woman who will not simply spread her legs for any man buying her a drink in a bar and up the chances of finding a partner worthy of one’s presence.  I have a very simple checklist for men who are at the least worthy of talking to me, if at all.

These are the three things that must be in your wallet if you wish to say hello:

1. A valid form of picture ID (with the right man’s picture, of course). Many underestimate the power of knowing exactly who it is you are talking to. You will be surprised how many people repeatedly lie about who they are and where they’re from. At the least, this is the sign of an insecure man hoping to up his chances of getting laid by pretending he is a Harvard graduate, professional athlete, or resident of a gated community. In the worst-case scenarios, men without ID could be grifters, or even worse, serial killers. Once a young man approached me in a nightclub and claimed to be Australian. I immediately called him on his bluff (he had no idea who he was talking to) and asked to see his ID. When he opened his wallet, I glimpsed a peek of a Tennessee driver’s license and promptly sent the young man packing. Always check ID, though it does not have to be right away. Ask to see your date’s driver’s license picture if he pulls out his wallet to pay for something (which he should, anyway). This is a normal thing to ask someone.

2. A major credit card. Emphasis on major. I had a boyfriend who did not have a credit card when I met him. Take this as a red flag. If someone doesn’t have a credit card, it means one of two things:

• They are one of those people who “don’t believe in credit” and hence only use only cash, which is indicative of other problems (drug dealing, if they are always carrying excessive cash) or of a complacent attitude that will never get someone anywhere in life. Credit runs everything in this shitty, capital-dependent world. This person probably also takes night classes at the community college in academically irrelevant topics like sociology or psychology (the latter of which you will need a doctorate to ever do anything with). BEWARE.

• They have shitty credit or no credit at all, which means they’ll always be a poor.

You also want to be wary of people with Paypal credit cards. This probably means that their job is selling stuff on eBay. Aim higher. Obviously the best option is a normal platinum Visa, preferably one that garners frequent flier miles. This indicates someone who likes to travel.

3. A gym membership card. Let’s be honest. Sex is a shallow, shallow thing, and no one has sex with someone because they have a great personality. People have sex with people they’re attracted to, and it should remain that way. A recent experience lead me to believe that some men like to hide the fact that they do not go to the gym with oversize clothing and strategic styles of leaning. No, I do not want your soft, amoeba-like body draped over mine. Go to the gym and lift some weights. Someone who does not take care of their body from a young age is no one I want to have as a boyfriend. When you’re out meeting people, always emphasize your interest in fitness to weed out the amoebas. A hard, athletic body is a must for me – it may not be for other women, but for me it’s required.

….and yes, I am a bit of a ball-buster. Thanks for reading!