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Last Shows of 2016!!!

18 Dec

Wow, what a year it’s been.  I know that most people are over 2016, but I am cocky enough to say that I had a great year!  It’s still 2016, and I still have more shows.  Come out and support live comedy!

December 2016 Shows Poster.jpg

Special Announcement: Idaho Laugh Fest 2017

25 Sep

I have a fun announcement – I will be performing at the 4th Annual Idaho Laugh Fest from January 12th through January 15th, 2017!!!  The festival will take place in Boise and will feature a range of comedians from across the country.  A few friends I know from Los Angeles will also be there!  Show dates and further information is pending!

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Watch Me in This Promo for “Jeff Ross Presents Roast Battle”

2 Jul

Screen Shot 2016-07-02 at 11.18.31 PMScreen Shot 2016-07-02 at 11.18.12 PM

Yes, that is me standing mere inches away from Jeff Ross, the Roastmaster General.  He is an amazing comic and a great person to work with, and I love that I got to be a part of making this promo for the new Comedy Central show, “Jeff Ross Presents Roast Battle”.  The show will feature some amazing comics, including friends like Olivia Grace, Alex Hooper, Leah Kayajanian, Earl Skakel, and more.  The show premieres July 28th on Comedy Central!!!

Also as an FYI, my next Roast Battle will be on September 13th at 10:30 PM against Danielle Perez at The World Famous Comedy Store!

The Neon Demon Is Not for Everyone, But It Was for Me

26 Jun

The Neon Demon

For anyone familiar with the work of Nicholas Winding Refn, The Neon Demon will certainly fit into his canon.  The film, which tells the story of a sixteen-year-old aspiring model fresh off a bus from the midwest in Los Angeles, is rife with symbolism.  The symbolism involved, however, is not for the faint of heart.  Jesse (Elle Fanning, in an amazing performance) is an orphan staying in a shady motel in Pasadena when she signs with a modeling agency.  As Jesse’s star begins to rise, something changes inside of her, and it begins to show outwardly.

On one of her first shoots, Jesse meets Ruby (Jena Malone), a makeup artist who invites her to a party.  Jesse then meets two of Ruby’s model friends, Sarah (Abbey Lee) and Gigi (Bella Heathcote), who immediately treat Jesse with anger and disdain.  The four women watch a strange performance at the party, which is perhaps simply an excuse for Refn to sync electronic music with flashing camera shots, but I think it held some larger significance.

Neon Demon Curtains

What later unfolds are scenes that are tinged with a strange undertone of humor and horror; the closing scenes are likely what caused audiences to boo the film at Canne.  Despite the controversy linked to this film, Refn is saying something very interesting about beauty and narcissism. Some critics believe that he is both celebrating and condemning beauty at the same time.  If he is, then why isn’t that possible?  Personally, I think such a contradictory message in the film works nicely.

What I found most profound about this film was the lack of restraint shown by every actor, even Keanu Reeves, who gets a chance at playing a creep for possibly the first time in his long career.  I think the film also references the occult more often than viewers may think.  There is one scene in which a mountain lion sneaks into Jesse’s motel room, wreaking havoc, but it was more than just a mountain lion.  The film also makes great use of referencing Elizabeth Bathory…but I do not want to give anything else away.  The Neon Demon will likely be favored by fans of Refn and panned by those unfamiliar with his work. There were moments in this film in which I audibly gasped and said things like “Oh my lord!” and it’s fun when a film in 2016 can still do that to you.

Like a fashion designer in the film says: “beauty is not everything; it’s the only thing,” and the beautiful cinematography and score, as well as the amazing performances, demonstrate this point fully.

Final rating: 7 out of 10, and not for the faint of heart.

 

88th Annual Academy Award Predictions

28 Feb

Wow, it’s that time of year again.  Another year that neither you nor I will not be winning a gold statue and the recognition of our peers.  Another year that Hollywood will praise each other for making it into a small circle of elitism.  Another year of dresses and jewelry more expensive than what most Americans could ever own or dream of.  Another year of gift bags worth hundreds of thousands of dollars!!!

2015 was a strange year for film, one that Bret Easton Ellis calls “the worst year for American film ever”.  Tell us how you really feel!  Did you see the films?  I saw most of this year’s films, and the only Best Picture nominee I skipped is Bridge of Spies.  Quite honestly, it looked like a snoozefest and we get it, Tom Hanks and Stephen Spielberg are important entities.

Here are my predictions of winners, along with who I believe SHOULD WIN!!!

Best Picture

  • “The Big Short”
  • “Bridge of Spies”
  • “Brooklyn”
  • “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • “The Martian”
  • “The Revenant”
  • “Room”
  • “Spotlight”

WILL WIN:

Spotlight.jpg

“Spotlight”.  The Best Picture category seems to swing away from the films that win for acting and directing.  For some reason, I feel like this will win Best Picture.  However, I have some criticisms of this film.  I think they were trying to make a contemporary “All the President’s Men,” and the subject matter and era simply do not fit.  How many times did we see Mark Ruffalo frantically running?  Did we need that? Why was Liev Schreiber’s character so boring?  Why was he there?

SHOULD WIN:

“The Revenant”.  This was the best film of the year.  I was captivated.  Linda Holmes of NPR’s Pop Culture Happy Hour podcast called it a “theater of pain”.  Honestly, if that’s what this film is, I love theaters of pain.

Best Actor

  • Bryan Cranston for “Trumbo”
  • Matt Damon for “The Martian”
  • Leonardo DiCaprio for “The Revenant”
  • Michael Fassbender for “Steve Jobs”
  • Eddie Redmayne for “The Danish Girl”

WILL WIN:

Leonardo DiCaprio The Revenant.jpg

Leonardo DiCaprio for “The Revenant”.  What a performance.  Leo has been nominated many times and he’s never won.  He’s played many roles and nailed all of them.  He is, quite honestly, the greatest living actor of his generation.  This was a simple performance, but it highlighted his strengths.

SHOULD WIN:

Leonardo DiCaprio for “The Revenant”.  There is no other choice for me.

Best Actress

  • Cate Blanchett for “Carol”
  • Brie Larson for “Room”
  • Jennifer Lawrence for “Joy”
  • Charlotte Rampling for “45 Years”
  • Saoirse Ronan for “Brooklyn”

WILL WIN:

Brie Larson Room.jpg

Brie Larson for “Room”.  Larson’s performance was simply astonishing.  This film had me captivated the entire time.  Larson was calm and complex in this role.  She deserves this.

SHOULD WIN:

Brie Larson for “Room”.  See Above.

Best Supporting Actor

  • Christian Bale for “The Big Short”
  • Tom Hardy for “The Revenant”
  • Mark Ruffalo for “Spotlight”
  • Mark Rylance for “Bridge of Spies”
  • Sylvester Stallone for “Creed”

WILL WIN:

Creed.jpg

Sylvester Stallone for “Creed”.  I think Stallone will get this award as a default achievement award.  They tend to give Best Supporting Actor to older guys.  He also won the Golden Globe.

SHOULD WIN:

Tom Hardy Revenant

Tom Hardy for “The Revenant”.  Tom Hardy is a superior actor and he impresses me very time he is onscreen.  Did you see Locke?  What about Legend, where he played two very different twin brothers?  This guy is a powerhouse who deserves an award soon.

Best Supporting Actress

  • Jennifer Jason Leigh for “The Hateful Eight”
  • Rooney Mara for “Carol”
  • Rachel McAdams for “Spotlight”
  • Alicia Vikander for “The Danish Girl”
  • Kate Winslet for “Steve Jobs”

WILL WIN:

Alicia Vikander The Danish Girl

Alicia Vikander for “The Danish Girl.”  Alicia has a lot of heat in her career right now, and I see her picking up this award.  She won the SAG Award as well.  I actually think her performance in Ex Machina is more worthy, but The Danish Girl was an obvious prestige film that was released during awards season on purpose.

SHOULD WIN:

Jennifer Jason Leigh for “The Hateful Eight.” If you haven’t seen her in this film, just get ready to be shocked by the transformation.  She is a little powerhouse.

Best Director

  • Adam McKay for “The Big Short”
  • George Miller for “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Alejandro G. Iñárritu for “The Revenant”
  • Lenny Abrahamson for “Room”
  • Tom McCarthy for “Spotlight”

WILL WIN:

Alejandro G. Iñárritu for “The Revenant”.  I have a feeling that the single shot that opens this film is Best Director-worthy.  I also feel somehow that The Revenant might not win Best Picture, which means they will give Best Director to Inarrritu.

SHOULD WIN:

Adam McKay for “The Big Short.”  This was an amazing film from someone who normally does lowbrow comedy.  I was truly impressed.  I cannot wait to see more heavy subject matter from McKay.

Best Original Screenplay

  • Matt Charman and Ethan Coen & Joel Coen for “Bridge of Spies”
  • Alex Garland for “Ex Machina”
  • Pete Docter, Meg LeFauve and Josh Cooley for “Inside Out”
  • Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy for “Spotlight”
  • Jonathan Herman and Andrea Berloff for “Straight Outta Compton”

WILL WIN:

Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy for “Spotlight”.  This is a tough call for me since the Golden Globe winner, Aaron Sorkin, was not nominated for Jobs.  Was that a snub from the Academy?  I suppose Spotlight will win here.

SHOULD WIN:

Alex Garland for “Ex Machina”.  The fact that Ex Machina was an original story blows my mind.  Ex Machina is not being talked about enough at all.  Oscar Isaac deserves a nomination for his role, and I see this film as worthy of being a Best Picture nominee.  I think it’s early 2015 release date hurt those chances.

Best Adapted Sceenplay

  • Charles Randolph and Adam McKay for “The Big Short”
  • Nick Hornby for “Brooklyn”
  • Phyllis Nagy for “Carol”
  • Drew Goddard for “The Martian”
  • Emma Donoghue for “Room”

WILL WIN:

Charles Randolph and Adam McKay for “The Big Short”.  I loved this film and since McKay won the BAFTA for Best Adapted, he’s my pick.  The script did a good job of explaining a complicated problem to normal people.

SHOULD WIN:

Drew Goddard for “The Martian”.  This film was hilarious, dramatic, gripping, and honestly, one of the most entertaining of the year.  Goddard should win for making a story about getting abandoned on Mars actually quite hilarious.

Best Animated Feature Film

  • “Anomalisa”
  • “Boy & the World”
  • “Inside Out”
  • “Shaun the Sheep Movie”
  • “When Marnie Was There”

WILL WIN:

Inside Out

“Inside Out.”  This is the clearly superior film of the year as far as animation.  There was something about Anomalisa that I kind of hated, even though I love Charlie Kaufman and consider him to be a god.

SHOULD WIN:

“Inside Out.”

I’m mostly looking forward to Chris Rock.  Enjoy tonight!

Donald Trump is Not Qualified to be President; Vote for Bernie Sanders

24 Jan

Donald Trump

Just when you thought things could not get any more strange in American politics, Donald Trump noted while speaking at a Christian college in Iowa.  Trump, while holding his hand in the shape of a gun, said the following: “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn’t lose any voters, OK?”

In this moment, Trump ironically and unintentionally pointed out the problem with those supporting him.  These people do not understand the issues at stake in this election.  We are at an impasse that may only be divided between the rich and the poor, the old and the young.  The rich continue to take what we’ve earned through blood sweat and tears, forcing us into labor that does not lead to a comfortable life and retirement, but rather, people working until their dying days.

This election is most critical for women and minorities.  Women now outnumber men in the United States, and minorities now comprise over 36% of the population.  There are 83.1 million members of the Millennial generation, the vast majority of whom support minimum wage increases, pro-choice agendas, and reforming the student loan industry.  The feminist movement is in the midst of a fourth wave.  This is a time ripe for revolution.

With that being said, if anyone votes for Donald Trump for President of the United States, they have no idea of the damage they are doing.  He is a lunatic and many Americans are eating it up.  We are corporate drones.  We are the drinkers of sponsored Kool Aid.  We love cheap TVs.

Do not vote for Donald Trump.

The author of this blog proudly endorses Bernie Sanders for President of the United States.

I Just Watched the Complete Series of Six Feet Under and All I Got was This Lousy Sense of Existential Dread

11 Sep
Six Feet Under starring Rachel Griffiths, Peter Krause, Michael C.Hall, Frances Conroy, Lauren Ambrose, Freddy Rodriguez, Mathew St. Patrick, Justina Machado, Jeremy Sisto and James Cromwell

Six Feet Under: starring Rachel Griffiths, Peter Krause, Michael C.Hall, Frances Conroy, Lauren Ambrose, Freddy Rodriguez, Mathew St. Patrick, Justina Machado, Jeremy Sisto and James Cromwell.

I am not a traditional television binge watcher, but it took me a little over a month to watch all 63 episodes of the 2001-2005 HBO series Six Feet Under, and today, I can say that I am finished with the series.  The show, which follows the Fisher family, a multigenerational clam operating a funeral home in Los Angeles.  The show opens with the death of its patriarch, the mysterious Nathaniel Fisher, whose life remains somewhat of a mystery to his three children Nate (Peter Krause), David (Michael C. Hall) and Claire (Lauren Ambrose).  To me, the show was a bit dated and filled with references to things that no one speaks about now – Sarah McLachlan, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and old cellphones, but if you can move past that bit of weird frozen-in-time feeling, you will make it through the series.

One of the things that I believe makes the series very difficult to watch is the low likability of several of the main characters.  We often see some members of the Fisher family and their surrounding characters acting in very selfish and narrow-minded ways.  Rico (Freddy Rodriguez) is one of the characters who only continued to build in his self-righteous and self-preserving ways.  I will never understand why Rico continued his employ and later partnership with David and Nate – he always seemed ready to fight with nearly everyone.  Rico’s character also provides moral conflict when the supposedly upstanding religious father and husband begins an affair with Sophia, a stripper who apparently gives him the best BJ ever, placing his marriage in jeopardy.  This storyline eventually becomes so stale that there is no way audience can continue to support Rico, and his character essentially becomes tarnished for the remainder of the series.

The major theme of the series of course is death, and each episode of the series begins with a death that demonstrates the delicate nature of life and the possibility that death is always nearby and a very real possibility.  Of course, from the pilot opening with the death of Nathaniel Fisher (Richard Jenkins), and the final episode of the series imagining the future deaths of the major characters of the show, the series stays true to its theme.  Despite this strength, the series is marred by a parade of selfish, over-bearing characters who are concerned with nothing but themselves.  Perhaps this is the aspect of the show that is truest to life, as learning that most people are selfish by nature is a part of reality.

Nate Fisher (Peter Krause) is a character who never quite gets over the fact that there is little more to life than getting older, working a job that you probably don’t really care for, and having difficulties in personal relationships.  He is consistently selfish in his interactions with his longtime on-again/off-again girlfriend Brenda Chenowith (Rachel Griffiths), which leads me to believe that Nate is actually the unbalanced person in that relationship, and not the long-suffering Brenda.  A good portion of Nate’s storyline finds him struggling with the idea of death, especially when he learns that he has a medical condition known as AVM, an abnormal connection between arteries and veins in the brain.  This will become important again later in the series.

Brenda, often portrayed as the “crazy one” on the series (alongside her brother), was formerly the subject of a psychology book studying her odd behavior as a child (Charlotte Light and Dark), is thoroughly damaged by her wealthy psychiatrist parents who were openly sexual in front of her and her brother Billy.  Billy Chenowith (Jeremy Sisto) is Brenda’ s bipolar artist brother who has a relationship with Claire early in the series and again once more later on.  Billy, seemingly forever unstable, later confesses to Brenda that he is in love with her – one of the few moments in the series that caused me to audibly gasp out loud.

Out of the more impressive performances in the series, Frances Conroy as Ruth Fisher, the widowed matriarch, is followed on a near-endless series of romantic mishaps and frustrations.  It is interesting to see an older woman struggling to not only reconcile the death of her husband, but to also seek love in unlikely places.  We think that Ruth finds true happiness and love with George Sibley (James Cromwell), but we see how that relationship has its own flaws.  Ruth’s experiences serve as a mirror of reality for viewers, teaching them that although life is ultimately good, it is filled with endless challenges and surprises.  My favorite character on the show is David Fisher (Michael C. Hall), Nate’s initially closeted brother and the heir apparent of the Fisher and Sons funeral home.  This is the most genuine performance on the series, with David confronting nearly every fear and personal problem possible.  His tumultuous relationship with Keith (Matthew St. Patrick) is a major focus of the show, in addition to the couple’s struggles to have a child.  For a television show produced in the early aughts, this is groundbreaking writing and focus on a committed homosexual couple, which was really never seen before.  Michael C. Hall, who later went on to play Dexter Morgan on Showtime’s series about a moral serial killer, is a national treasure as far as I’m concerned.  There is, however, a very long storyline involving an incident in which David was held at gunpoint by a crazed stranger that continues to drag on far too long.

Overall, the series is a great precursor to Alan Ball’s later work, which of course includes another familiar HBO series, True Blood.   The subject matter of Six Feet Under is daring for the time in which it aired, bringing death, humanity, and sexuality to the forefront of paid cable television.  This is one of the original series that established HBO as a powerhouse, as it originally aired on Sundays, following The Sopranos.

My biggest criticism of the series is perhaps not a valid criticism at all, but I truly was annoyed by several characters on a regular basis.  The biggest offender of this was the character of Nate Fisher, Jr., who is also the protagonist of the series.  In his relationship with Brenda, I found him to be insufferably selfish, and when he later marries Lisa out of obligation (i.e., pregnancy), he becomes even more unbearably obnoxious.  I suppose the goal of Nate’s character was to show us that life really does not have to be something amazing that we imagine in our heads – it can simply be what we have, and our obligation is to enjoy it as best we can.  Nate’s narcissistic worldview that he was worth more than being a funeral director and worth more than being with Brenda was hard to watch.  If you make it to season five, some of Nate’s actions will leave you very upset, including a fateful scene in which Nate crosses the line.

If you can bear the thought of watching a show with the primary theme of death, Six Feet Under is worth watching.  However, be prepared to wallow in thoughts of death and dying for far too long during your day.  This series successfully explores the classic question of existentialism: what does it all mean?

Going Clear and the Obvious Narcissism of L. Ron Hubbard

4 Apr

Tom Cruise Scientology Cover Photo

I just finished the new HBO documentary Going Clear, and all I can say is: my, oh my.  This terrifying documentary exposes more about Scientology than I ever knew.  What is most clear to me is that Scientology, as a whole, is a product of narcissistic abuse.  If I were to hypothesize anything about its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, it’s that he most likely qualified as someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder of the cerebral variety.  Hubbard, who started as a pulp fiction writer, eventually wrote Dianetics, which would become the basis of Scientology and an exploration of what Hubbard called “the modern science of mental health”.  This man made the presumption that his book could overturn centuries of development in the arena of mental health.  When that did not happen, he invented his own religion.

In the last year or so I have been in deep research mode of Narcissistic personality disorder.  The reason for this is because I was in a romantic relationship with someone who I very much believe to be a narcissist.  Within the first few minutes of this documentary, we hear excerpts of letters written about L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology by his second wife, Sara Northrup.  Sara asserted that she only married Hubbard because he had threatened suicide.  This is a very common manipulation tactic for narcissists to use in order to get their way.  She also detailed an account about how Hubbard awoke her from her sleep because she had been smiling, setting him off into a rage because he took it to mean she was thinking about another man.  After they had a daughter, Hubbard took the little girl with him and called Sara to tell her that he had chopped their daughter into tiny pieces and thrown her into a river.  It doesn’t get much more abusive than that.

Going Clear also touches on how the church’s two most famous members – John Travolta and Tom Cruise, became so involved with Scientology.  John Travolta was extremely young when he became involved, and he linked his success in acting with his involvement in Scientology.  The use of “auditing” also becomes very important in the case of Travolta, as it appears that the Church of Scientology threatens members with the release of their deepest secrets collected in such sessions.  Obviously the Church of Scientology has something pretty big on Travolta that keeps him there.

Scientology’s biggest star and supporter is Tom Cruise.  Cruise’s marriage to Nicole Kidman is a major focal point of his story in Scientology.  The documentary mentions that Nicole Kidman’s father was a prominent psychologist in Australia, which David Miscavige, the head of the Church of Scientology, viewed as a threat.  Any psychologist or mental health professional, or any person associated with a mental health professional is deemed to be a “suppressive person” by Scientology.  Scientologists therefore aim to “disconnect” from these suppressive people, of course at almost any cost. Nicole, therefore, was deemed a suppressive person, and her divorce from Cruise was apparently orchestrated by the Church of Scientology.  I have heard further rumors that Cruise’s marriage to Katie Holmes was staged and under contract, but the documentary goes no further than discussing an arranged relationship between Cruise and an actress named Nazanin Boniadi.  There were also rumors that one of the reasons why Holmes divorced Cruise was her fear of their daughter Suri becoming involved in Scientology.  Going Clear also notes that Cruise was not really involved in Scientology during his marriage to Kidman, but in recent years, he has been the absolute most treasured asset of the Church.  Cruise is one of the biggest movie stars of all time, if not the biggest, and Scientology depends on him in many ways.

Going Clear is a truly terrifying look at how Scientology is essentially the result of an egomaniac’s own desire to control others.  This documentary is one of the first looks at some of the extreme abuses allegedly committed by David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology.  Perhaps what is most revealing about the Church of Scientology is its financial value (over one billion dollars) and its real estate investment prowess.  I have driven by the Church of Scientology on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, and it is a menacing sight.  A few people I know have gone inside to take the prerequisite personality tests “as a joke”.  After watching Going Clear, I can say with certainty that there is nothing funny about Scientology and its abuses of its members.

Fixed Air Liveblogs the 86th Annual Academy Awards

2 Mar

I cannot remember if I live-blogged the Oscars last year, but I decided to do it this year out of sheer respect for the great year that 2013 had in film.  The fun starts at 4 PM PST.  Please come back for live-blogging fun!!!

– Heather

86th Annual Academy Awards

5:30 PM – And it begins!  Ellen is discussing how it’s been raining here in LA.  “Thank you for your prayers!” Pretty standard LA jokes.

5:32 PM – There’s Lupita Nyong’o, looking beautiful in her gown.

5:34 PM – All of these jokes are pretty mean and Ellen is now talking about how “youth is the most important thing in the world”.

John Travolta’s face looks botoxed.

5:37 PM – J-LAW!!!!! Ellen riffs on her dress looking like a traffic cone.

5:38 PM – Jared Leto is the most beautiful person here tonight!  He and McConaughey are both wearing white suit jackets.

5:40 PM – Ellen just said that if “12 Years a Slave” doesn’t win Best Picture, then everyone might be a racist.

“And now, please welcome our first white presenter, Anne Hathaway!!”

5:43 PM – The first award of the night – Best Supporting Actor!!! Who shall win???

And the winner is Jared Leto!!!!! Much deserved for Jared Leto!

5:44 PM – “To all the dreamers watching this out there tonight…I want to say, we are here…we’re thinking of you tonight. There’s so many people that helped me get here.” – Jared Leto

5:47 PM – “It’s so tiring being a nominee…it must be exhausting.” – Jim Carrey, obviously implying that he’s never been nominated for an Oscar.

5:48 PM – A compilation of the animated films that have made an impact over time.

5:51 PM – Pharell singing his Oscar-nominated song “Happy” in that hat again. Why the hat?

5:57 PM – Best Costume Design is Catherine Martin for The Great Gatsby (She’s married to Baz Luhrmann, FYI).

6:01 PM – Best Makeup and Hair – “Dallas Buyers Club”

6:02 PM – Harrison Ford is presenting a look at the Best Picture nominees. He has a goatee for some odd reason.

6:05 PM – Channing Tatum was invited to this thing? Why? Let us never forget that he was in “Step Up”.

6:25 PM – Oh, I love this song from “Her”.  Karen O performing “The Moon Song”.

7:13 PM – They’re about to give out Best Supporting Actress!  Who will it be???

And the winner is…Lupita Nyong’o in “12 Years a Slave”.  She looks very elegant and beautiful in her long blue gown.  Love it!

7:34 PM – Pink is sining “Over the Rainbow” in a red sequin gown that is apparently supposed to resemble a ruby red slipper. I am not quite sure how this is fitting in with the rest of the show.

8:44 PM – Best Actress – And the Oscar goes to – Cate Blanchett!!! This is so wonderfully obvious!  She was amazing in “Blue Jasmine”.

8:50 PM – Best Actor in a Leading Role…and the Oscar goes to….Matthew McConaughey!!!  A much-deserved award! ‘I know my father is up there with a big pot of gumbo and a lemon meringue pie.” – How sweet.

8:55 PM – Will Smith is coming out to give the award for Best Picture.

And the Oscar goes to…

“12 Years a Slave”

 

Rebecca Martinson is Writing Crap for Vice; Words Might as Well Die

17 Nov

Picture from TheFrisky.com

For those of you unfamiliar with Rebecca Martinson, which could actually be many of you despite the heady reputation Ms. Martinson believes she carries, she was the sorority sister who wrote a seriously deranged e-mail that is now the stuff of legend.  Made internet famous for her use of the phrase “cunt punt,” which was later read in dramatic fashion by Michael Shannon, Ms. Martinson is now writing a column for Vice.  As real writers with real things to say weep into their nightly bowl of Trix cereal, Martinson is making tens of dollars (I assume) for writing about what she deems her first “double blow job”.  Ick. It gets worse.  Not only is the title of this entry meant to shock, but what is even more shocking is that the content does not describe a double blow job at all, just the utter failure of one.

The piece details a trip Martinson makes with her friend Kiki (renamed to obviously protect the innocent) to Virginia Tech for a vodka and sex rendezvous with Martinson’s then-boyfriend, lovingly called “Douchebag” for the remainder of the entry.  Long story short, these three wonderful people get twisted on Burnett’s and Douchebag drops his pants to get a blow job from Rebecca and Kiki.  All because Rebecca promised a bottle of Burnett’s to Kiki if she blew her boyfriend.  Yikes.  That’s the equivalent of about $12.  Then Douchebag is unable to get hard, which, one would have to imagine, could have to do with many factors here.  Maybe Douchebag was just as fond of Rebecca as she was of Douchebag.  Maybe he just didn’t care.  In any case, this whole thing is gross and the fact that Vice ran this is the sort of even that makes you want to question the existence of the universe.

Rebecca Martinson is gross.  I really do not understand or want to understand why writing a story about a non-existent double blowjob which was not actually a double blowjob but an utter failure of a youth-tinged night of binge drinking deserves any attention at all.  Also, who is just that nasty that they think giving a blow job to their boyfriend with their best girlfriend is the idea of a good time?  Maybe I’m an old now, but I am not interested in the sex lives of any sort of frat boy or sorority girl or any college student for that matter.  These are the voices of our youth.  Excuse me while I weep into my bowl of dinner cereal.