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Send in Your “Hate” to Jake Cannon by January 3rd, 2016

29 Dec

What I Hate About You

Have you ever hated something about me?  Do you perhaps strongly dislike something about me?

Maybe you hate my ultra-liberal politics.  Maybe you hate my abrasive honesty. Maybe you hate my last name.  I know I do.  Maybe you hate the fact that I’m always on my laptop (stacking paper, natch).  Maybe you hate my personality and you left an anonymous comment saying why on this same blog back in 2012 (that really happened and I still don’t know who it was).

Now is your chance to air your grievances in the style of Festivus – I will be appearing on the What I Hate About You Podcast!!!  We are recording on Sunday, January 3rd, so please get your hate in soon  You cannot submit anonymously.

You can find Jake Cannon on Twitter: @cannon_jake

The link to the Tumblr for the podcast is here.

I’m really looking forward to this!!! *Fake smiles!!!*

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Messages Like These Are Why I Deleted My Tinder Account

8 Jan

Tinder scares me.  I deleted my account a few months ago, but I never experienced any benefit from this alleged dating app.  Dating? SMH.  Tinder is nothing more than a digital glory hole for the worst of the worst people.  Are you looking for a horrible person to date?  Get on Tinder.  Are you looking for a night of semi-anonymous erotic embarrassment in a large metropolitan area to which you will never return?  Please, use Tinder.  Enjoy yourself.  Tinder is only one notch above Craigslist, and the only way of knowing you had a successful Craigslist transaction is not getting decapitated.

The texts that follow almost speak for themselves.  I changed this person’s phone number to the moniker “Red Flag” in order to be fair.  Is this normal?  Is this what men are supposed to be like?

Red Flag Text #1

He wants to know how tall I am.  I guess that’s normal enough.  But wait, uh-oh.  He wants recent pictures that are “fully transparent,” which makes no sense.  I indulge him further with an innocent inquiry:

Red Flag Text #2

Yes, he has met women who are older or more overweight than he thought initially.  It’s official.  This individual is shallow. Immediately offended, I tell him I am not old or obese.  Then he tells me that “visibility and transparency” are what he provides.  Bitch, I don’t want to know anything much about you.  Don’t flatter yourself.

Red Flag Text #3

“That sounds so businesslike” may be interpreted as “You sound like Patrick Bateman.”  I did not say “You sound like Patrick Bateman” because this man did not strike me as being a reader.

“And that sounds evasive” is obviously the sign of a potential killer laying in wait.  I stop texting him completely.  The unprovoked texts begin.  He tells me that “most people just answer with “sure””.  Once again, I am not most people and I already decided that I don’t like you. BYE.

Red Flag Text #4

He thinks that because I am a writer, I should have so many things to say.  Little does he know, he is writing a story for me by continuing to text me.  “Why are you scared?” he asks, completely randomly and unprovoked.  Because you are clearly insane.

And finally, the cherry on top:

Red Flag #5

A selfie sent exactly one month after the “Why are you scared?” text.  This is why I am scared.

Goodbye Tinder!!! Auf wiedersehen!!! Ciao!!! Au revoir!!!

 

 

Are You a Democrat? This Microwave Will Cost You More Than It’s Worth

4 Nov

 

 

 

Screen shot 2014-11-03 at 1.58.13 AM

 

The person selling this microwave hates Democrats and this microwave will cost you $500 if you are a Democrat.  “IF YOUR STUPID DONT CALL.”

LOLOLOLOLOL.

 

Apparently People Do Not Understand What Feminism Really Is

14 Jul

There appears to be a vast divide between those who comprehend what feminism is and what it aims to do, and what some people appear to think what feminism is.  Last night I saw one of those Buzzfeed compilation lists titled “14 Women Say Why They Don’t Need Feminism”.  Never in my life has my brain twitched so badly.  Pulled from a Facebook group page called “Women Against Feminism,” each photo features a woman holding up a written reason for why she does not “need” feminism.  Talk about misunderstanding and lack of appropriate education.

Feminism is nothing more than the belief that women should have equal access to those things that all others may have access to.  This includes the right to vote, the ability to get an education, working a job with a living wage, and being able to drive.  All of these examples are a direct result of the hard work of our feminist sisters of years past.  However, there seems to be a misinterpretation of the word that associates feminism with man-hating and women somehow inhibiting the rights of men.

Here’s are some examples of posts found on the Facebook group “Women Against Feminism”:

Screen shot 2014-07-20 at 11.30.47 AM

Screen shot 2014-07-20 at 11.39.51 AM Screen shot 2014-07-20 at 11.40.24 AM

Yikes, these are all bad.  It’s amazing how some of these women think that feminism indicates some sort of non-equality.  This points to an obvious lack of education on what the concept of feminism is, and what the word means.  The truth is that if any woman takes advantage of her ability to work for a living wage, vote, or drive, she is a direct beneficiary of the work of feminism.  Feminism is nothing more than the belief that women should have access to equality and be able to experience all those rights enjoyed by men.  It is not an affront against men, and those extremists who are labeled “man-haters” are not the best representatives of feminism.  Hopefully the stigma against feminism will begin to evaporate as a new generation of women come into their own.

 

Tim Molloy Reminds Me of My Father, and for That He Should Apologize

12 Jan

Lena Dunham. Photo by Terry Richardson.

I was about ten or eleven years old when my father said what is probably one of few things I remember him saying to me during my childhood.  I was sitting at the family computer, presumably working on my homework, when he came up to me, poked me in my stomach, and said, “you gotta lose that.”  This moment emblazoned itself into the back of my mind many years ago, and at any time I experience an insecurity about my body, I trace it back to this one defining moment.

I am sure that my father thought he was being helpful.  However, what he said in that moment has become the topic of $100 per hour therapy sessions, problems in my intimate relationships with men, and the lingering thought in the back of my head that no one will ever love me because of my stomach paunch.  If anything, this is one of the moments that further caused a lack of bonding between myself and my father, someone whom I speak to on a semi-regular basis due to his living thousands of miles away from where I am now.

There’s nothing more annoying than someone who feels the need to give you their opinion in regard to your body or the bodies of others, especially when it is unsolicited.  This appears to be something done primarily by men, but women are guilty as well.  Unless someone asks your opinion, the topic of their body should be completely verboten.

When Tim Molloy of The Wrap asked a question at a panel  at the Television Critics Association including Judd Apatow and Lena Dunham, the creators of the HBO show Girls, he attempted to breach the subject of the nudity of Lena Dunham’s character, Hannah Horvath.  Here’s what Tim had to say for himself:

I don’t get the purpose of all of the nudity on the show, by you particularly, and I feel like I’m walking into a trap where you go, ‘Nobody complains about the nudity on ‘Game of Thrones,’ but I get why they are doing it… They are doing it to be salacious and, you know, titillate people. And your character is often naked just at random times for no reason.

Yikes, where to begin.  It is obvious that Molloy’s statement is ultimately irrelevant, especially when Girls is entering a third season and enough backlash regarding Lena Dunham’s choice to appear nude in her own television show already unfolded in the last two years.  Additionally, Molloy is speaking directly about Dunham in particular, and not about any other actors appearing on the show.  His comments are meant to be a direct attack on a woman whose body is not considered perfect in the traditional sense.  And god forbid that such a woman be depicted nude in any manner.

Despite Molloy’s rude comment, Dunham’s response was rather diplomatic:

Yeah. It’s because it’s a realistic expression of what it’s like to be alive, I think, and I totally get it. If you are not into me, that’s your problem.

Dunham is aware of what she looks like and that she is not, nor will she ever be, a skinny Hollywood actress type.  I feel that Molloy’s question was nothing but clearcut trolling.  He knew the type of reaction that his question would garner and he obviously has little to no respect for Dunham.  Molloy’s opinion on Dunham’s body, and whether or not he wants to see it, is something he should keep to himself.  Judd Apatow reportedly later spoke with Molloy privately, letting him know that the “tenor” of his question was inappropriate, and ultimately, misogynistic.

Let’s be honest.  A lot of men should feel grateful that they are getting any sex at all.  There are countless men who feel they are entitled to be with models or women who look like models, but they are not pictures of Adonis themselves.  This hypocrisy leads to many imbalanced relationships and countless incidences of emotional and mental abuse. People also ultimately lose sight of what are important qualities in partners, such as emotional support, RESPECT, and a general sense of kindness and love.

When it comes down to it, the best method of broaching the subject of another human being’s body is to not broach the subject at all.  If someone is remotely overweight, they are completely aware.  The same goes for those who are underweight, or men who are frequenting the gym to build up their pecs and arms.  Everyone stands in front of the mirror and KNOWS what they look like.  This is not a mystery to anyone, so keep it to yourself.

Many people comment on how confident I appear in myself and with my body, but every so often my mind returns to those moments in which I was made to feel less than perfect, less than deserving.  Even the most confident of people have small insecurities, and the only logical thing is to try to be a better human and not hack open old wounds.

Oh So You Got Dumped? Get Over It.

12 Oct

Ugh, privilege.  It is everywhere.  There is privilege in the air, and in my grande caramel macchiato, and in the Anthropologie bag containing a lovely maxi skirt I purchased to wear to my privileged law firm job.  When will it end people?  When will privilege finally disappear!?!  The answer is never if you happened to stumble upon the most privileged blog entry of all time, written by someone who writes under the pseudonym “Brett Ashley”.  Appearing on Jezebel, the intriguingly-titled “The Most Fucked Up Things People Have Said to Me During My Break Up” is a privilege parade fit for the most prissy and self-indulgent people who walk the earth.  One would expect the fucked up things that people say to her to contain any of the following words and/or phrases:

“Maybe he dumped you because you’re fat.”

“You’re worthless without that relationship”

“You might as well just kill yourself now and get it over with.”

Mad As Hell

The reaction of everyone reading Brett Ashley’s blog post.

None of these things appear in the list of the most fucked up things people have said to Brett Ashley in the aftermath of her horrible, no good, very bad breakup.  Instead, these are the worst things people have said to Brett following her breakup:

“Maybe he’ll come back?” – a Friend

“You’re really hurting your personal brand with all this moping around.” – My [Female] Boss

“Please do not throw this relationship away; you only get love like this once in your life.” – My Mother

“You’re smart/pretty/young/funny/successful/interesting/outgoing/all of the above. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry.” – Almost Friggin’ Everyone

Once again, these are the “most fucked up things” that people have said to Brett Ashley since her breakup.  These things are not fucked up at all and are actually just people trying to be as nice as possible.  Instead, some of the actual fucked up things in this blog post come from the charming mind of Brett Ashley herself.

Some of the gems Brett has in her piece:

“…yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life, I have been dumped.”

It will probably happen again.  Better get used to it, Brett.

Or how about what she would like her parents to do for her in this oh so difficult time?

“Instead, how about: “We just want you to be happy – I know that’s probably hard right now. We love you so much. This must be very hard. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.” Or just send money. I may be an adult now, but I will never ever turn down financial contributions from my parents.”

Yikes.  Brett Ashley wants your money, Brett Ashley’s parents.

The only thing worse than this blog post of falsehoods is the description of the author appearing at the end:

Brett Ashley is a 28 year-old urban professional born in the southern United States who has been moving between major metropolitan cities ever since. She blogs under a pseudonym to protect the innocent (and not so), and has a penchant for bad television, good wine and Hemingway references.

Ugh, it just gets worse.  She likes bad television and good wine.  I cannot stand this person.  It has become more clear as to why the boyfriend may have broken up with this person.

In conclusion, things could be worse, Brett Ashley.  We have all been dumped.  But you could also be eating out of a trash can or be dead.  Think about it.

Everyone is a Self-Absorbed Asshat

8 Aug

In the wake of the death of my best friend, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson about people.  Every person, it seems, is a self-absorbed asshat.  What is wrong with people these days? Why won’t they talk to each other anymore instead of staring at their phones and/or pretending that they are super important and “OMG it’s my birthday next week” and blah blah blah.

This is not a good time for me. In fact, I may venture to say that this is the worst time of my life. The person I loved the most in the entire world, the person to whom I told all of my secrets, hopes, and dreams, is dead.  There is no nice way of saying it.  Dave died.  Sometimes when I think about it, the entire world feels as though it is going to fall away from under my feet.  At other times, I shrug, and simply forget for a few moments.  Nothing will change what happened, but I feel that the most pressing thing to result from Dave’s death is my realization that everyone else in the world is completely selfish.

Never in my life have I screamed for help so loudly, yet no one hears me.  I am literally standing on a precipice of life or death. The first thing I thought about this morning was how nice it would be to be with Dave again.  Then I became intensely sad while reading about people’s apparently happy lives on Facebook.  People are going on trips and “loving life” and looking forward to their birthdays.  But what about the trips I had planned with Dave? What about his 36th birthday, a day that will never come? It’s no matter, because no one will read this.  And if they do, no one who thinks they will want to do anything will actually do anything.  They’ll just go back to reading their Kindles and pretending to text someone who isn’t there.

What are my dreams? A best friend who will listen to me when things are this horrible.  Someone like Dave, who was always there for me when I needed him. Everything is so hopeless now. Everything is so empty. Nothing has meaning anymore.  I feel so empty inside.

I am unsure of whether I’ll survive this test of my strength. I’ve been weakened to the point of exhaustion.  Nothing seems worth anything, no one seems worthy.  It is hard to be this lonely, this hopeless.

“Work Ethic? What is that?” Asks Every Self-Absorbed Person in Their 20’s

10 Mar
Casey McIntyre wears a world of struggle on her porcelain face.

Casey McIntyre wears a world of struggle on her porcelain face.

The New York Times really needs to shut up about how hard it is to be white and in your twenties.  The publication created a subgenre about being young, in debt, underpaid, and overworked that persists and is now stronger than ever.  Take this annoying piece that appeared online last week, causing a tizzy among young and old alike who simply want to air their grievances about how hard their lives really are.

Take poor little Casey McIntyre, who feels overworked in her position as a book publicist.  She describes her fearless plight: “I have coffee before I leave the house, there’s a Dunkin’ Donuts conveniently in the subway station when I get off, and I get another coffee during the day,” she said. “And they’re large coffees.” Casey, not understanding that work often comes with obligations that may last even when she’s not perched at her desk looking at memes and GIFs in between grown up things like meetings and phone calls, is completely miserable in her coffee-soaked existence.

Perhaps what this disgusting subgenre of “Woe is me, I have to work more than I thought” pieces misses is the realization that things are different now.  If you have a job at all, you should be grateful. If you are not employed, well then that encompasses an entirely different New York Times subgenre. It may also get you featured on this lovely series on Gawker. In any case, The New York Times loves a good whiner. And if you can whine long and hard enough about how unfair everything is for you, then the world will take note of your struggle.  These young people having to work overtime simply to live are the Zapatas of our time. We should all admire their plight, no?

One thing that many young people seem to overlook is how they should be working their asses off while they still have the energy and wherewithal to soldier on.  All this noise about “YOLO” and “making the most of it” (the “YOLO” of yesteryear) is something being shoved down our throats by the Drakes and Justin Biebers and Lena Dunhams of this world.  Maybe if people my age stopped whining about their pitiful $12 an hour existences (which, really, are not pitiful at all), maybe they’d accomplish something.

Gah, it is so hard to be young and have to work.

People Complaining About Working on Thanksgiving/Black Friday Need Some Cheese With Their Wine

22 Nov

Last week I received an email from Change.org, a website that hosts petitions for (usually) great causes. However, last week’s petition reeked of what I like to call “first world problems.”  A woman who works at Target, Casey St. Clair, began the petition in order to prevent workers from having to work beginning at 9 PM on Thanksgiving Day.  This is a screenshot of the generic petition people are signing:

Change.org Petition

This petition is annoying in many ways, the first and most obvious example being the number of people who are unemployed in this country and would likely jump at the chance to work a minimum wage retail job at Target.  Second, what about all of the other workers who never get a day off? This includes restaurant workers (I worked the last two Thanksgivings at a restaurant myself), police officers, firemen, military, and many other people who do not get holidays off.  Third, have these people never worked retail before choosing to work at Target (actually, perhaps Target chose them)? Retail is one of the most annoying, physically painful, inconvenient, high stress jobs that anyone could ever imagine. I worked at American Eagle Outfitters for six years.  Thankfully I have not worked retail since my first few months out of college, but I definitely identify with the woes of having to work holidays.

However, in spite of how much working retail sucks, I learned many years ago to never bite the hand that feeds you.  The people you see on the news whining about having to work on Thanksgiving and Black Friday will likely not be employed come New Year’s. What people do not realize is that employment, in many states, is deemed “at will,” meaning that employers can let you go at any time without telling you why. People need to be more aware of these laws and how they conduct themselves while not at work, especially in these times of an encroaching social media panopticon.

Another issue contributing to the increasing disgruntlement amongst retail workers is the very odd sense of entitlement displayed by young people today, especially young people who chose to not apply themselves in school or attempt a professional degree, with the expectations that they’d be the next Hannah Montana or Justin Bieber. In the last decade or so, the sense of entitlement of young people in regards to where they should work or how much money they should make, or what kind of car they should drive has skyrocketed to levels of unbearable annoyance.  Not everyone can be on Rich Kids of Instagram.  I am not impressed when you post a photograph of thirty or so twenty dollar bills.  Yes, someone I know actually did that.

The core of the matter in this instance is the fact that people need to learn to be more grateful for the things they have rather than the things they don’t have.  Employment, a paycheck, and a roof over one’s head are all things to be grateful for.  If you have to work retail and you hate it so much, then try something else.  Hundreds of people will be happy to fill your shoes.

This message is brought to you by post-Thanksgiving indigestion.

The Worst Proposal Ever

25 Jul

As one who has spent much of their time in Colorado, I wanted to comment on the horrific shooting that took place last Thursday night in Aurora, Colorado.  Not only is this a terrible thing to happen in Colorado, but it also highlights some of the issues concerning background checks for guns and mental health awareness in our community, country, and world.  As horrible as last week’s events are, it is clear that James Holmes, who will likely end up being tried for the deaths of 12 people, had major problems.

In addition to the problems that lead up to the events last week, one story in particular caught my eye. 25-year-old Jamie Rohrs, boyfriend to Patricia Legarreta, was in the theater with said girlfriend, their infant son, Ethan, and Laegaretta’s other young daughter.  As soon as the gunman shows up, what does Rohrs do? He runs! With baby Ethan! Then, over the next confused moments, Rohrs misplaces his baby son and runs right out of the theater, leaving Patricia and the kids behind. The Denver Post describe’s Rohrs’s confusion:

Rohrs still isn’t sure how he lost Ethan. One moment he was in his arms; the next, he was gone. Rohrs hurtled over some seats, found his way to the stairway, and ran.

Let’s review. Jamie picked up Ethan, panicked, put him back down on the ground, and ran out. Then he proceeded to make his way to the parking lot, and drove away.

Of course there is no way for someone who was not in the theater to possibly understand the horror of what was going on. We will never be able to predict how we would have reacted in such a situation. However, this poor woman, struggling with her decision to either run out of the theater or stay and possibly become a victim alongside her two young children, was abandoned by her boyfriend. Patricia made the split-second decision to run out with her children, and was injured by schrapnel in the process. She was later reunited with the uninjured Rohrs outside of the the theater.

Then Rohrs, realizing somewhere in his head that he cannot live without Patricia and their children, (unless someone starts shooting at them, then he is running up out of that bitch), proposed to his girlfriend in the hospital. She said yes.

Maybe everything is fine and dandy with their relationship, but it really makes for an awkward retelling of how you got engaged. “Oh, you know, after Jamie left me behind in the bullet-riddled theater with our helpless children, he decided we should get married!”

It also doesn’t help Jamie look any more manly when Patricia comes across as completely cool-headed in this interview with Piers Morgan, while Jamie cries on national television. Good luck to them both.

There is credit due to 19-year-old Jarrell Brooks, who helped Patricia run to safety from the movie theater. Brooks is recovering from a gunshot wound at home.