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You Can Pry My Maxi Dresses Out of My Cold, Dead Hands

9 May

Quite recently, Sarah Miller of Jezebel attempted to argue that the maxi dress is an ugly item that no one needs to wear.  I have one thing to say to Sarah Miller: she can pry my maxi dresses out of my cold, dead, withered hands.  The maxi dress may not flatter every body type, and it looks less perfect on women of a shorter stature.  But for a tall woman, which is something I am familiar with being at 5’11”, the maxi dress is a godsend and the gift that keeps on giving.

The maxi dress burst onto the fashion scene most recently between 2007 and 2008.  At this time I was still a student at NYU, and every NYU girl was wearing the maxi dress.  Now, I live in Los Angeles and perform as a comedian.  The maxi dress is still a staple for Los Angeles women.  The maxi dress is here to stay.  Believed to have first appeared in 1968 as a part of an Oscar de la Renta collection, the maxi dress was popular throughout the 1970s but eventually fizzled out.  However, the maxi dress is holding strong as a staple of the last eight or nine years.

Perhaps the most flaws part of Miller’s argument is that she believes that women with her body type – tall and busty – do not look good in maxi dresses.  I am tall and busty, and I swear by the maxi dress.  Being tall and busty means that you sometimes cannot wear things that you would like to wear, just like every body type struggles at times.  For example, I would love to wear more button-up shirts.  Do they work on me?  Not really, because the buttons are oft pushed apart by my bustiness.  I would also like to wear more jeans, but a lot of jeans are not cut in a way that makes me feel good in them.  Maxi dresses are a universally flattering and fun piece that will most likely not cause any woman to bang her head against the proverbial fitting room of life.

However, some are trying to say that Miller’s piece was an attempt at satire.  If she was trying to be facetious, she chose the wrong thing to be facetious about, as a maxi dress is something I would protect with my life.  Now excuse me while I enjoy this May day in my maxi dress.  Today I am wearing this maxi dress by Felicity & Coco:

Felicity and Coco dress


Tra la la!!! I love maxi dresses and you pry mine out of my dead hands, Sarah Miller!

Get Your Underthings Right: The Stretch Lace Thong

27 May

As a lady, I like to think I know a thing or two about underwear. I’ve worn it all my life, just like a lady is expected to. It’s taken many years and many trials of various types of underwear, but I’ve decided that there is only one kind for me: the stretch lace thong.

I have not always been a fan of thongs. Early versions I tried dug in on my hips and left strange marks deep in my skin. These early attempts at wearing thongs were also marred by terrible graphic designs on the crotch: cherries, martinis, and smiley faces. Someone actually thought that those were good things to appear on someone’s crotch. These early defeats lead to years of dedication to the boyshort, a cute hip-hugging design that is comfortable but not necessarily forgiving when it comes to VPL. Boyshorts typically do not look okay underneath tight skirts and dresses. As a fan of tight skirts and dresses, though I am not a prostitute, (even though sure they save money on underwear) I am in need of something that will both eliminate VPL and hide my ladyparts. I chose to experiment with the stretch lace thong. Here follows an analysis of four major brands of stretch lace thongs, along with a grade.

1. Victoria’s Secret: The Lacie Thong

The Lacie is a very popular style sold by Victoria’s Secret. It comes in a rainbow of colors and an array of animal prints. Unfortunately, the “one size fits all” title does not seem to apply here. I have around five pairs of the Lacie thong, and they all fit differently. Plus, I have found that the level of annoyance I experience while shopping in Victoria’s Secret while being bombarded by the questions of salesgirls simply is not worth it. No, I do not need help choosing out my “Lacies”. They’re all the same damn size.

Overall grade: C

2. Soma Amazing Stretch Lace Thong

I worked at a Soma store for a few months following my college graduation due to the horrors of the Great Recession. When I got hired, I was able to choose three different pairs of underwear for free. Out of all of the ones I tried, the “amazing” stretch lace thong was the best one. Unfortunately, I found that the lace was really too thin and probably very cheap. The act of putting them on caused my nails to get snagged on the lace and for small holes to show up. I got fired for this job because as the manager told me, “it’s clear to me that your future is not with the magic of Soma.” Damn straight it’s not.

Overall grade: B-

3. Express One Size Fits All Stretch Lace Thong

Express is one of my favorite stores for two reasons: lots of pieces that come in leopard print and coupons. Unfortunately, even though I tend to own half of the items carried in the store at any one time, their thongs are not anything I will seek out in the future. The fit is all wrong and the underwear ends up riding up, riding down, riding sideways -you name it. Also, the material is clearly very cheap. DO NOT BUY THESE.

Overall grade: D

4. Hanky Panky One Size Fits All Stretch Lace Thong

This pair of underwear is a gift from above. Started thirty years ago, Hanky Panky is the brainchild of designer Gale Epstein. Epstein created a custom set of underwear from handkerchiefs for a friend, and after fashion industry professionals got hold of Epstein’s work, Hanky Panky was born. My favorite design is the low-rise lace thong. It’s available in 40 colors. The only downside is the price. At $18 a pair, they are an investment that every lady should make. The Hanky Panky Stretch Lace Thong is the ultimate pair of underwear. It’s also available at Anthropologie and Free People stores.

Overall grade: A

The Sexy Halloween Costume: Keeping Feminists Awake at Night

30 Oct
Sexy Ghostbuster!

Something tells me that Bill Murray would still like this.

There exists a bit of vitriol for the “sexy” costumes that now fill the Halloween landscape. Once a holiday completely dedicated to the gore-ish, All Hallow’s Eve is now a celebration of the whorish. Walk into any of those temporary Halloween stores in your local mall and you will encounter a special section of sexy costumes – sexy devils, sexy angels, sexy Dorothy, sexy cop, sexy Bob Ross…you get the idea. Halloween is a holiday for sexy times just as much as it is for scary times, and I happily choose to embrace both factions of this Halloween conundrum, in spite of being a man-hating feminist (sarcasm intended).

Feminists very much tend to hate sexy Halloween costumes. I am quite wary of several recent posts on Jezebel denouncing the meteoric rise of the sexy Halloween costume. I feel that it’s fine and dandy to want to see people be much more creative than hiking up their skirts and calling it a costume, but how is it okay to denounce women who choose to dress sexy for Halloween? Jezebel chose to invite women to post pictures of their least-sexy Halloween costumes in this post. The results are actually quite amusing – fellow Jezzies dressed as everything from Big Bird to Pat from It’s Pat to Antoine Dodson (of “Bed Intruder” fame) to The Golden Girls to a leper. That’s quite a show of creativity from great feminist minds. However, this post was also meant to tear down those women who choose to vamp it up for Halloween.

My Halloween game stepped up when I was in college in New York City – NYC is THE city for Halloween fun, and people are SERIOUS about their costumes. While in school, I dressed as a French person (very hipster-like of me, I know), Wonder Woman, and my personal favorite, Mia Wallace from Pulp Fiction. Now that I am out of college, I feel that Halloween is a holiday to treasure for its partying craziness and creativity potential. My costume idea for this year stemmed from a bizarre social interaction – one which I will explain in a future post on Fixed Air. I dressed up as a dominatrix this year, which lead me to decide that very few people have the balls to do any such thing.

So did I show a little extra skin this year? Did men stop and stare a little harder? Did I break the unwritten feminist cardinal rule of NEVER dressing sexy on Halloween? Yes, yes, and yes. There is little wrong with showing one’s sexy side on a night when anything goes, and I am proud to call myself both a feminist and a sexy woman. I will fight for the sexy cops, sexy Dorothys, and sexy devils until the end of time – they have a right to wear those costumes with just as much gusto as a woman dressing as un-sexy Dwight from The Office (yes, I’ve seen this done several times over). Happy Sex-o-Ween!!!

If you’d like to see me in costume as Madame Roux (yes, I did name my dominatrix alter-ego), please click here.

A Dire Situation: My Anthropologie Obsession

16 Jun

I've wanted this for what seems like decades.

If you’ve met me somehow in this life, you likely are aware of my love of shopping and fashion. I enjoy wearing unique, stylish clothing that flatters my figure and generally makes me happy. It’s hard to explain how clothing can make one happy, but I suppose I can try to make sense of it by writing about one of my favorite stores.

One store that has become a favorite is the Urban Outfitters spinoff, Anthropologie. I first got turned on to this store when I noticed that every amazing piece of clothing and jewelry owned by one of my close girlfriends came from there. If you’ve ever stepped foot into an Anthropologie store, you may still be completely unaware of its connection to its oldest, and grungiest cousin, Urban Outfitters. The merchandise in Urban has become more strange and of less quality of late. I would frequently visit the Urban Outfitters on Broadway between Houston and Bleecker and nearly always leave with nothing but for a lingering feeling of annoyance. Everything seemed either too tight, too hipster-ish, too weird, or looked too much like it had made a cameo appearance on Cops. In stark contrast to the tragedy that has befallen Urban Outfitters, Anthropologie emerged as a beacon of light for women in their early twenties who are caught somewhere between Abercrombie and Ann Taylor.

Anthropologie stores are typically decorated in a whimsical, natural theme reminiscent of a fairy tale forest. More importantly, the stores usually always smell amazing, mainly due to the fact that they carry candles and incense, which are typically lit and displayed at the front of the store. Anthropologie stores also tend to have a home-like feel – the store displays furniture and bedding also for sale.  I’ve had nothing but positive experiences shopping in the stores – the staff is always happy and eager to help you find something new. The best Anthropologie store I’ve ever been to is the Rockefeller Center store, located adjacent to the GE building on the 6th Avenue side. The most important thing about Anthro (as it is known by its frequent customers) is their collections of unique and beautiful pieces of clothing, purchased from independent designers and vendors.  Anthropologie has gained a reputation for being quite expensive – I will admit that Anthropologie is not for frugal shopping, but if you want to wear beautiful, well-made clothing, you’ll eventually find that such a thing does not come cheap. I look at buying fashion both as an investment and a hobby.

Not everyone can wear Anthropologie pieces. Many people who know me may have noticed my willingness to wear things that many people probably would not or simply cannot wear. Bold dressing is a part of my personality, and Anthropologie makes it easier for me to dress in a manner that expresses the strength of my personality.

The dress in the upper left-hand corner is something I’ve had my eye on for a while. Now that I actually have a real job (and funemployment is suspended), I’ll probably pick it up within the next few weeks.

Here are some other items that portray the Anthropologie aesthetic (not to mention items from my wish list):

An intricate floral cardigan.

A pretty raffia headband - not for the faint of heart.

Big, chunky necklaces.

A poufy halter dress with Meso-American embroidery.

Live Blog: E! Live from the Red Carpet

7 Mar

The Seacrest is in!

Come back soon for my live-blogging of E!’s “Live from the Red Carpet.” Seacrest, in!

6:00 PM EST: Seacrest, in! And it begins. Seacrest describes the “impossible dream” of winning an Oscar. In my mind, nothing is impossible! The Oscar will be mine one way or another.

6:02 PM: “We are the first stop for every movie star arriving now.” “I wonder if there will be a Busey moment.” I hope there will be a Busey moment.

6:03 PM: Sam Worthington and….Zac Efron. This is how you know that the integrity of the Academy Awards is slipping. Zac Efron.

6:43 PM: Okay, I’m back. Seacrest is with Elizabeth Banks. He asks her “Do you know this designer?” while pointing to Tom Ford. She looks perplexed. Elizabeth Banks cannot recognize Tom Ford. A cold day in Hollywood.

6:45 PM: Jay Manuel and Giuliana “I Have Obvious Issues” Rancic are discussing a poll for Best Supporting Actress. 72% of those polled think Mo’Nique will win. Duh. Who are the other nominees again?

6:51 PM: Tina fey is being forced to interact with The Seacrest. He’s asking her about Alec Baldwin.

6:57 PM: Jay Manuel thinks that Sandra Bullock’s dress is a tribute to figure skating. What….ever.

6:58 PM: Diane Kruger said that “Tarantino’s dialogue is poetry.” I would agree. Maybe he’ll win Best Original Screenplay.

6:59 PM: Ryan Seacrest just referred to Sandra Bullock as “Sandy.” Blurgh.

7:13 PM: Miley Cyrus is apparently presenting tonight. Again. Something is wrong in the world. And she’s showing off her mother’s angel wing tattoos. Very classy.

7:17 PM: The combination of a very tall woman (Kathryn Bigelow) and a very short man (Ryan Seacrest) makes the Seacrest look emasculated. Typical for him.

7:26 PM: Matt Damon! My absolute favorite! Not only because I got to meet him, but also because he is simply awesome. Too bad he won’t win tonight. Better luck next time. He’s going to play Liberace’s longtime companion. Sexxxy.

7:31 PM: Meryl Streep looks amazing in that white dress! Uh-oh. Ryan just called her “the matriarch.”

7:32 PM: …and Giuliana makes another George Clooney comment. Someone help this woman. Or George Clooney. They should help Clooney first.

7:33 PM: Jennifer Lopez, Hollywood’s least self-aware and most self-absorbed actress. Oh wait, I see gray hair in her roots!!! Is it just me, or did J.Lo’s colorist wreak some revenge?

7:38 PM: Keanu Reeves has a very patchy beard.

7:39 PM: Okay, I cannot blame Woody Harrelson for avoiding Seacrest, but I wanted to see him. He’s hot and I am not afraid to admit it.

7:41 PM: “Why can’t he be alone?” – Giuliana Rancic’s continued craziness involving innocent victim George Clooney.

7:42 PM: Robert Downey Jr., the most self-important actor of his time, is here! Thank god he’s there. Love him!

7:50 PM: Gerard Butler, forced to interact with Ryan Seacrest. I wonder if they both know that they both play for the same team.

7:52 PM: Jeff Bridges, the man of the night, has arrived. I abide.

7:58 PM: Cameron Diaz has a great dress. However, the lack of an up-do will be noted by the Fashion Police. Sorry, Cammie.

7:59 PM: Seacrest, out!!!

Some of my best-dressed picks:

Meryl Streep looking glam as eva.

Cammie D for the win.

Demi Moore. Wow.

Alexander McQueen: Fashion’s Immortal

11 Feb

Alexander McQueen, Spring 2010

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2009

Alexander McQueen, Spring 2010

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2006

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2009

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2009

Alexander Mc Queen Spring 2010

Alexander McQueen

Lee Alexander McQueen was a genius. Not only was he an expert tailor with an impeccable knowledge of how to craft clothing, but he is also worthy of  being hailed as one of the greatest artists of this century. McQueen’s designs often played on the avant-garde, and his runway shows were other-worldly. McQueen’s daring yet wearable work became a staple of the Hollywood red carpet. He knew how to design for women of varied body types, and his use of texture and punchy colors became a trademark. McQueen, dubbed the “bad boy” of British fashion, singlehandedly made British fashion worthy of recognition. Alexander McQueen will remain an iconoclast; his designs are instantly recognizable yet startlingly unique. His fierce genius will live on in the hearts of those who recognize fashion design as a true art and not the simplistic act of “making clothes”. For those of us who have dreamed of wearing an original McQueen, doing so will now be an act of salutation, and lucky will be those who still have that chance. Alexander McQueen will remain an immortal in the fashion world. I never had the chance to meet him, but I am sure I would have loved him.

Fair science frown’d not on his humble birth

And melancholy marked him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere;

Heav’n did a recompense as largely send:

He gave to mis’ry all he had, a tear,

He gain’d from heav’n (’twas all he wish’d) a friend.


(1969 -2010)