Life Lessons: Don’t Drive Drunk

16 Mar

The other night one of my best friends and I happened to be in exactly the right place at the right time. Something or someone sent us to see something that will forever change some of the stupid, irresponsible shit we’ve done before.

Getting a DUI can and will ruin your life. Don't risk it.

At around 1:12 AM, we were approaching a very popular intersection in the city, heading toward Burger King for a late night snack. At the same time, we noticed a car speeding (around 60-70 mph in a 35 mph zone) down the lanes that run the opposite direction. The car struck a massive power line pole, which fell and struck the front end of the car. The car spun out at least 6 or 7 times, and debris flew everywhere. A power line was severed and sparking all over the street. Brooke pulled over to the side of the road and I pulled out my phone to call 911. The dispatcher asked me a lot of detailed questions and let me know that police were on the way. Eventually we made our way into the parking lot facing the accident and let a police officer know that we witnessed the accident. To make a long story short, we ended up waiting around for two hours until the police said we could go. We also ran into two acquaintances of some friends we had just been hanging out with before seeing the accident.

The driver is under suspicion of DUI, which makes sense due to the high speed and general reckless nature of the accident. Brooke and myself are simply lucky that the car didn’t cross the median, because we could have been very hurt. We took the time to think about what happened and how important it is for young people who enjoy going out for drinks to be more responsible. I will not go into too much detail, but we are hoping that this experience will change the minds about some people we know about driving after a night of partying. It’s not worth the risk of a DUI, injury, or death. If you’re going out in a group of friends, someone has to step up and be responsible. It’s only the right thing to do.

Tags: , , , ,

Live Blog: The 82nd Annual Academy Awards

7 Mar

They’re almost here! Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin host the 82nd Annual Academy Awards! See you back in 25 minutes, at 8:30/7:30 EST/CST.

6:30 PM: They’ve chosen to line up the nominees for Best Actor and Actress like cars at a car show. Where are the girls in bikinis?

6:31 PM: Surprise! Neil Patrick Harris! He’s going to be at every award show for the next decade.

6:38 PM: So now the opening monologue consists of Alec and Steve going back and forth with pretty lame lines. This is actually boring me right now.

6:41 PM: George Clooney = not amused.

George Clooney's "Bitch, plz" look.

6:44 PM: Penelope Cruz is presenting Best Supporting Actor. They’re choosing to show clips this year. Last year they had 5 random actors who had previously won the award come on stage. I don’t know which method of presentation I prefer.

6:45 PM: Christoph Waltz FTW. He’s so amazing.

6:56 PM: A Barbara Walters Oscar Special spoof with Fantastic Mr. Fox and Coraline. Up wins for Best Animated Film.

7:00 PM: Miley Cyrus and Amanda Seyfried present the award for Best Original Song. The winner is predictable: ‘The Weary Kind” by T Bone Burnett. What a great name.

7:12 PM: Tina Fey and Robert Downey Jr. are presenting Best Original Screenplay. Robert Downey Jr.: “Actors look for script with beautiful shooting locations, a phone scene with that bitch of an actreess I hate, and long dense columns of uninterrupted monologues…”

“It’s a collaboration. Between beautiful talented people and little mole people!” – RDJ

The winner: Mark Boal for The Hurt Locker

7:17 PM: The John Hughes tribute – Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick. I forgot that John Hughes had written Home Alone. What an amazing writer.

“When you grow up, your heart dies.” – Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club. So true, and so sad.

I’m sorry, Judd Nelson, but you look terrible. Better luck next time.

7:34 PM: Wait, what just won? I’m already zoning out.

Best Documentary (Short Subject): Music by Prudence

Best Short Film (Animated): Logorama

Best Short Film 9Live Action): The New Tenants

7:38 PM: Okay Stiller. You’re funny. I get it. The crazy eyes are a little funny. Stop it, though. Seriously….hahaha! Stiller, you got me. Winner for Best Makeup: Star Trek.

7:48 PM: Presentation of the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. Winner: Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious. He seems very genuine and grateful. Congrats.

7:56 PM: The presentation of Best Supporting Actress. Robin Williams steps onto the stage.

My Mom: “Where’s the guy who won last year?” Me: “Um…” Mom: “Oh, Heath Ledger!”

No surprise here: Mo’Nique for Precious

Mo'Nique accepting her Oscar

8:00 PM: Mo’Nique has such an intense speech. Dig it.

8:07 PM: Best Art Direction winner: Avatar.

8:09 PM: “Okay, but I don’t think the plural of whores is whores-es.” – Steve Martin

8:10 PM: The winner for Best Costume Design is The Young Victoria. That woman looks like she has an amazing wardrobe.

8:18 PM: A tribute to horror films? Why? Did someone die? Oh wait, everyone dies in horror films.

Hmmm….I’m not sure if I would include Edward Scissorhands, Interview with the Vampire, or Beetlejuice as “horror”.

8:23 PM: Morgan Freeman: everyone loves a pervert.

8:25 PM: Best Sound Editing: The Hurt Locker

8:27 PM: Best Sound Mixing: The Hurt Locker

8:30 PM: Presentation of Inglourious Basterds. That’s my shit! Quentin, I love you.

8:35 PM: Sandra Bullock presenting Best Cinematography. Winner: Avatar. Oh no. James Cameron is starting to get really excited. He gets handsy when he’s excited.

8:37 PM: My favorite: the In Memoriam tribute to those we’ve lost in film. Musical accompaniment by James Taylor.

8:49 PM: Um….this dance routine is going on forever….

8:54 PM: Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper (Cooper is the sexier of the two) present Best Visual Effects. Winner: Avatar.

9:04 PM: Matt Damon presents the award for Best Documentary: The Cove.

9:06 PM: Go away Tyler Perry. No one likes your movies or horrible TV shows.

Best Fim Editing: The Hurt Locker. The winners are very nerdy, just like my film editor friends. At least they seem appreciative. Congrats.

9:15 PM: Quentin and Pedro onstage together? My head might explode. Here’s what my mom said about Quentin: “He looks disheveled and crazy!” I must be Quentin’s next muse. I love he.

9:25 PM: Actor in a leading role. A menagerie of actors stands onstage: Michelle Pfeiffer, Vera Farmiga, Julianne Moore, Tim Robbins, and Colin Farrell. They’re telling stories about each of the nominees.

9:32 PM: Here it is…..Best Actor in a Leading Role: Surprise, it’s Jeff Bridges!

He’s talking about Lloyd Bridges now…just as I thought. Jeff Bridges seems as though he’s a major stoner. I love him, man!

9:40 PM: Okay, Forest Whitaker is talking about how “beautiful” and “layered” Sandra Bullock’s acting is. Since when is she such a great actress?

OPRAH!!! She’s over-pronouncing every word. Typical melodramatic Oprah.

9:47 PM: Sean Penn is onstage….here we go…..the winner of Best Actress in a Leading Role is….Sandra Bullock. No surprise.

Awww, that was a nice speech.

9:52 PM: Ooh! Best Director! Will my man Quentin pull off an upset? Eh, not likely.

WOW!!!!! Kathryn Bigelow for the win!!! In your face, Cameron! In your face!

9:58 PM: ‘Please welcome Academy governor Tom Hanks.” Academy Governor!!! What is that?

Best Picture: The Hurt Locker

What an upset, what a night! Thank goodness!

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Live Blog: E! Live from the Red Carpet

7 Mar

The Seacrest is in!

Come back soon for my live-blogging of E!’s “Live from the Red Carpet.” Seacrest, in!

6:00 PM EST: Seacrest, in! And it begins. Seacrest describes the “impossible dream” of winning an Oscar. In my mind, nothing is impossible! The Oscar will be mine one way or another.

6:02 PM: “We are the first stop for every movie star arriving now.” “I wonder if there will be a Busey moment.” I hope there will be a Busey moment.

6:03 PM: Sam Worthington and….Zac Efron. This is how you know that the integrity of the Academy Awards is slipping. Zac Efron.

6:43 PM: Okay, I’m back. Seacrest is with Elizabeth Banks. He asks her “Do you know this designer?” while pointing to Tom Ford. She looks perplexed. Elizabeth Banks cannot recognize Tom Ford. A cold day in Hollywood.

6:45 PM: Jay Manuel and Giuliana “I Have Obvious Issues” Rancic are discussing a poll for Best Supporting Actress. 72% of those polled think Mo’Nique will win. Duh. Who are the other nominees again?

6:51 PM: Tina fey is being forced to interact with The Seacrest. He’s asking her about Alec Baldwin.

6:57 PM: Jay Manuel thinks that Sandra Bullock’s dress is a tribute to figure skating. What….ever.

6:58 PM: Diane Kruger said that “Tarantino’s dialogue is poetry.” I would agree. Maybe he’ll win Best Original Screenplay.

6:59 PM: Ryan Seacrest just referred to Sandra Bullock as “Sandy.” Blurgh.

7:13 PM: Miley Cyrus is apparently presenting tonight. Again. Something is wrong in the world. And she’s showing off her mother’s angel wing tattoos. Very classy.

7:17 PM: The combination of a very tall woman (Kathryn Bigelow) and a very short man (Ryan Seacrest) makes the Seacrest look emasculated. Typical for him.

7:26 PM: Matt Damon! My absolute favorite! Not only because I got to meet him, but also because he is simply awesome. Too bad he won’t win tonight. Better luck next time. He’s going to play Liberace’s longtime companion. Sexxxy.

7:31 PM: Meryl Streep looks amazing in that white dress! Uh-oh. Ryan just called her “the matriarch.”

7:32 PM: …and Giuliana makes another George Clooney comment. Someone help this woman. Or George Clooney. They should help Clooney first.

7:33 PM: Jennifer Lopez, Hollywood’s least self-aware and most self-absorbed actress. Oh wait, I see gray hair in her roots!!! Is it just me, or did J.Lo’s colorist wreak some revenge?

7:38 PM: Keanu Reeves has a very patchy beard.

7:39 PM: Okay, I cannot blame Woody Harrelson for avoiding Seacrest, but I wanted to see him. He’s hot and I am not afraid to admit it.

7:41 PM: “Why can’t he be alone?” – Giuliana Rancic’s continued craziness involving innocent victim George Clooney.

7:42 PM: Robert Downey Jr., the most self-important actor of his time, is here! Thank god he’s there. Love him!

7:50 PM: Gerard Butler, forced to interact with Ryan Seacrest. I wonder if they both know that they both play for the same team.

7:52 PM: Jeff Bridges, the man of the night, has arrived. I abide.

7:58 PM: Cameron Diaz has a great dress. However, the lack of an up-do will be noted by the Fashion Police. Sorry, Cammie.

7:59 PM: Seacrest, out!!!

Some of my best-dressed picks:

Meryl Streep looking glam as eva.

Cammie D for the win.

Demi Moore. Wow.

Tags: , ,

In A Perfect World: My Oscar Winners

7 Mar

Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin host the 2010 Oscars.

Last month I posted a piece of Oscar predictions. That post was a very straightforward analysis of who will win at the Oscars this Sunday. Now that I have seen most the films nominated, it’s time to create a fantasy world in which those who actually deserve Oscars will win them. Here’s how I would vote:

Best Supporting Actress:

Should Win: Mo’Nique for Precious

Will Win: Mo’Nique for Precious

Of course the only things the press can talk about are Mo’Nique’s unshaved legs and open marriage, but she deserves the Oscar. If she doesn’t win, the Academy voters will be “Sicilian dead to me,” as Kelly Cutrone would say.

Best Supporting Actor:

Should Win: Christoph Walt for Inglourious Basterds

Will Win: Christoph Waltz for Inglourious Basterds

Waltz delivered the best performance of the year. Out of every film I saw (and I see movies all the time), Waltz was the standout. Although I had not heard of him because he works mostly in European films, I feel that he could become a staple of American film within the next few years.

Best Actress:

Should Win: Gabourey Sidibe for Precious

Will Win: Sandra Bullock for The Blind Side

The Best Actress Oscar typically functions as a symbol of popularity and consistent Hollywood domination. Sandra Bullock movies are typically cute and enjoyable, and they make money. If this award were given for acting (as it should be), Sidibe would take it.

Best Actor:

Should Win: Jeremy Renner for The Hurt Locker

Will Win: Jeff Bridges for Crazy Heart

The Dude abides. Jeff Bridges, known very well for being completely underrated, will get two minutes to thank…well, there’s probably too many people he could thank, but I’m assuming that Lloyd and Beau will be the center of his speech. Who deserves the Oscar? Jeremy Renner was amazing in The Hurt Locker. He pulled off badass, hardass, and sweetass as an Army Ranger with a very impressive bomb deactivation record. The Best Actor Oscar typically goes to an older man as a symbol of achieving a varied body of work. This is why Bridges will win, and Renner will have to wait.

Best Animated Film:

Should Win: Coraline

Will Win: Up

Academy voters will likely pick cute over creepy, which means that Coraline could be left out of the race. Up was a cute movie with sad adult themes, but it still had talking dogs. Talking dogs = animated film gold.

Best Director:

Should Win: Quentin Tarantino for Inglourious Basterds

Will Win: James Cameron for Avatar

James Cameron has Hollywood so far up his ass now that a win for Avatar is inevitable. However, some think Cameron’s ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow, could win for her direction of The Hurt Locker. Unfortunately, this isn’t possible. Hollywood is more sexist than anything, and awards are given to men by men. Who do I wish would win? Quentin Tarantino. Some friends of mine feel I have a Tarantino bias, but Inglourious Basterds is his best film since Pulp Fiction. If only he wasn’t so odd. Then he’d be a shoo-in.

Best Picture:

Should Win: Inglourious Basterds

Will Win: Avatar or The Hurt Locker

The horror of there being ten Best Picture nominees is a total insult to the integrity of the Oscar. The air of exclusivity that goes along with winning an Oscar is slowly disappearing, and the presence of District 9 on the long list simply makes my head hurt. Five nominees for Best Picture are quite enough. A few of the nominees in this category are very much out-of-place – Up was a very cute movie, but is it worthy to stand along the annals of films like Citizen Kane? Not at all. Up in the Air is another film that I did not find to be Best Picture-worthy. It had above-average acting and the story was original, but I simply did not see it as a great movie.

IMHO, the best film of the year was Inglourious Basterds.  The Hurt Locker is a close second. Will either of these films win? Not likely, as long as James Cameron keeps his death grip on Hollywood.

Tags: , , , , ,

Men Leave. But if They Don’t, They Still Die: The Lady Gaga Edition

2 Mar

Jezebel posted one of the most relevant and interesting quotes I’ve read in a very long time:

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

All Hail Lady Gaga

This quote is from my current personal heroine, Lady Gaga. Gaga is touching on a subject that has an overt pertinence to my personal life. What I’ve recently realized is that no man (again, NO MAN) is worth compromising one’s own longterm career goals and/or emotional well-being. I am at an age at which many young women choose to marry and start families. There is nothing wrong with this if you are secure in such a decision, but countless young women have the potential to end up trapped in a situation that may be unlike one they hoped for. Dreams of domesticity are not always fulfilled in a healthful, loving way. One woman’s dream of raising a family could be comparable to another woman’s dream of becoming a published author, lawyer, or doctor. In any case, all women must put their mental and spiritual well-being first.

I am completely aware that I am not only too much of a child myself to even think of being married and having kids, but I am also much too involved in furthering my career. It took the recent and unwelcome ending of a longterm relationship to help me realize what my priorities should be. I gave this person my total commitment and love and they chose to give up on our relationship at a critical time during which I needed their support. He said and did some truly hurtful things, without reason or explanation. Predictably, the most hurtful thing he said was that he didn’t love me anymore. I cannot fathom suddenly changing one’s mind about such deep feelings and then having the nerve to throw something so painful in another person’s face. This person repeatedly told me, “your goals are unrealistic” and that “nothing ever materializes” (in reference to my writing). We’ll see about all of that, but I think I’m doing very well for myself now. Once the person you are with begins lambasting your hopes and dreams, your relationship is doomed.

Here’s what every young woman should know: do not drop out of school or move across the country to follow the whims of a random douchebag man. Eventually, when you find happiness with yourself, the right person for you will appear. And you won’t feel the need to drop everything. The ideal is to find someone who will support your pursuing whatever career you wish, wherever it may take you.

A career is your life’s work: it is not your job at the Sunglass Hut or any 9 to 5 in a fluorescent-lit office that pays the bills. You can find a man on any street corner, in any city, in any corner of the world. The trick is to find the right one.  He’s out there, but in the meantime, get your hustle on.

Tags: , , , , ,

Shutter Your Mouth Island

24 Feb

Last weekend, just like $40 million worth of American moviegoers, I wandered into my local theater to see the latest offering from my betrothed, Leonardo DiCaprio, and his betrothed, master filmmaker Martin Scorcese. Despite having ruined the film for myself well over a year ago by clicking on a fateful IMDB thread, Shutter Island was not a disappointment. The acting is solid, the visuals are very 2010, and the story is for a thinking person.

Leo hates it when someone texts in his movies.

However (yes, the dreaded “however”), I could not help but be completely annoyed by the constant talking to my right, which was accompanied by heavy breathing and coughing that came straight out of Napoleon’s typhus-ridden retreat from Russia. Why is it that people do not follow proper etiquette in movie theaters? I could rant about this for days – poor theater etiquette is my biggest pet peeve. I, and I assume most people, do not go to movies to listen to a chorus of “What just happened?”, “What did he say?”, or “Happy Birthday, Jessica!” (Aside: At a late showing of Jennifer’s Body at Village East Cinema*, a group of pubescent Long Island girls screamed “Happy Birthday, Jessica!” at midnight. There were no survivors.) We have become a nation of mouth-breathers, coughers in desperate need of a Halls cough drop, askers of annoying questions, and serial users of cell phones at the most inopportune times.

Cell phones are the biggest problem, and although the heavy breathing from the other day was unrivaled, the glow of tiny screens is visible to EVERYONE in the theater. It only takes one 13-year-old little shit with a Sidekick to ruin the experience of a movie. And who do these 13-year-olds text, anyway? I know that when I was 13 the only person I called on my cell phone was my mother. And mothers generally cannot text unless you spend a painstaking two hours explaining T9. (Which I had to do the other day.)

Enough of my white hot rage, and back to Shutter Island. SPOILER AHEAD!

One scene in particular is still bothering me. In the scene in which Teddy (my main man Leo) is interrogating the older female patient who murdered her husband, the woman asks Chuck (Mark Ruffalo) for a glass of water. Chuck obliges and returns with a full glass. The woman appears to pick up the glass, but a shot of her drinking reveals that her hand is empty and cupped around thin air. When she puts her hand down, an overhead shot of an empty water glass is shown. However, the camera then cuts to a wide shot, in which a full glass of water is seen on the table. I am unsure if any part of this could be a simple continuity error, or if everything was intentional. I spent a long time arguing with someone about the lack of a glass in the actress’ hand. If anyone noticed the anomalies of this scene, please feel free to discuss. Did Martin Scorcese make a mistake? I am likely going to see the movie a second time to decide for myself.

*In one funny distraction that occurred during a viewing of The Soloist, Bobert accidentally almost entered the theater after a bathroom break though the exit door located directly next to the screen. Polite giggles were recorded in the synapses of my mind.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Are You a Woman with a College Degree? Prepare to Die Alone.

23 Feb

It’s been a little while since my last post. My apologies for that.

Last week I saw an article that requires a response from women everywhere, especially women who are independent, educated, and hold strong opinions.  In a piece decrying the nature of “hookup culture,” conservative writer Charlotte Allen makes an extreme claim that as women get older, their intrinsic stock goes down.

In The Mating Mind, Geoffrey Miller wrote:

Our ancestors probably had their first sexual experiences soon after reaching sexual maturity. They would pass through a sequence of relationships of varying durations over the course of a lifetime. Some relationships might have lasted no more than a few days. .  .  . Many Pleistocene mothers probably had boyfriends. But each woman’s boyfriend may not have been the father of any of her offspring. .  .  . Males may have given some food to females and their offspring, and may have defended them from other men, but .  .  . anthropologists now view much of this behavior more as courtship effort than paternal investment.

That’s a pretty fair description of mating life today in the urban underclass and the meth-lab culture of rural America. Take away the offspring, blocked by the Pill and ready abortion, and it’s also a pretty fair description of today’s prolonged singles scene. In other words, we have met the Stone Age, and it is us.

Living in the New Paleolithic can be hard on women, many of whom party on merrily until they reach age 30 and then panic. “They’re at the peak of their beauty in their early 20s—they’re luscious—but the guys their age don’t look as good, so they say to themselves: ‘Why do I want to get married?,’ ” notes Kay Hymowitz, a contributing editor to the Manhattan Institute’s City Journal, who is writing a book about the singles crisis. “Then they get to age 28, 29, and their fertility goes down and they’re not quite so luscious. But the guys their age are starting to make money, they look better, they’ve got self-assurance, and they’ve also got the pick of the 23-year-olds.”

She has a degree, but does she have a man?

The “new paleolithic” that Ms. Allen describes is the growing trend of women to delay settling down and getting married. I do not have any statistics on the subject but I would like to assume that the sort of woman who waits to find a potential partner until her late twenties is quite possibly busy improving other aspects of her life. Perhaps this woman attended graduate school, perhaps she spent her 20’s traveling or volunteering. By blaming the Pill and other methods of contraception as the cause of a “prolonged singles scene,” Allen is vastly underestimating the single woman. If a woman takes the Pill, she is not doing so to avoid settling down. It could be for any number of reasons. Here it seems that Allen is measuring a woman’s value by the number of eggs she has left – what about accomplishments that would otherwise go unfulfilled if she had simply settled for the first man who came along?

A silly claim Allen makes is that “beta” men are those  suffering in today’s dating scene:

it is actually beta men who are the greatest victims of the current mating chaos: the ones who work hard, act nice, and find themselves searching in vain for potential wives and girlfriends among the hordes of young women besotted by alphas.

In other words, these beta men, whom one can presume are beta either due to a lack of traditional good looks or a lack of a college degree, are suffering because of feminism! God forbid that a woman go off and get a college education! What about the beer-bellied, couch-ridden men of America? Someone help these men!

Worst of all is Allen’s insistence that a woman generally loses her desirability  by the age of 28. When a woman reaches this magical number while still single, she is forced to settle for a dreaded “beta”. So ladies, if you have a college degree and you’re headed toward 28, be prepared to spend the rest of your days a sad and lonely specimen, a dusty relic of “hookup culture”.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Alexander McQueen: Fashion’s Immortal

11 Feb

Alexander McQueen, Spring 2010

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2009

Alexander McQueen, Spring 2010

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2006

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2009

Alexander McQueen, Fall 2009

Alexander Mc Queen Spring 2010

Alexander McQueen

Lee Alexander McQueen was a genius. Not only was he an expert tailor with an impeccable knowledge of how to craft clothing, but he is also worthy of  being hailed as one of the greatest artists of this century. McQueen’s designs often played on the avant-garde, and his runway shows were other-worldly. McQueen’s daring yet wearable work became a staple of the Hollywood red carpet. He knew how to design for women of varied body types, and his use of texture and punchy colors became a trademark. McQueen, dubbed the “bad boy” of British fashion, singlehandedly made British fashion worthy of recognition. Alexander McQueen will remain an iconoclast; his designs are instantly recognizable yet startlingly unique. His fierce genius will live on in the hearts of those who recognize fashion design as a true art and not the simplistic act of “making clothes”. For those of us who have dreamed of wearing an original McQueen, doing so will now be an act of salutation, and lucky will be those who still have that chance. Alexander McQueen will remain an immortal in the fashion world. I never had the chance to meet him, but I am sure I would have loved him.


Fair science frown’d not on his humble birth

And melancholy marked him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere;

Heav’n did a recompense as largely send:

He gave to mis’ry all he had, a tear,

He gain’d from heav’n (’twas all he wish’d) a friend.

LEE ALEXANDER MCQUEEN

(1969 -2010)


Tags: , , , , , , ,

History Lessons with Heather: Rasputin

10 Feb

Now that I have tired of the controversy that my post “Two Thoughts on the Superbowl” caused, I have decided to add a new feature to my blog called “History Lessons with Heather”. History is quite possibly one of the most important subjects one can study. Although you will find that most people equate the study of history to underwater basket weaving, and if you do study history in college, many will simply squint and ask, “So you want to teach?”, it is still one of the most useful and interesting subjects one can undertake.

Rasputin: owner of big hands and another big thing.

The first subject of “History Lessons” is Grigori Rasputin (1869-1916), or the “Mad Monk,” a Russian mystic hired by Tsaritsa Alexandra to heal her son, Tsarevich Alexei, of hemophilia. Rasputin, born in Siberia in 1869, reportedly had mysterious powers early on in life, though he did not gain a following until he arrived in St. Petersburg in 1903.

Alexandra, wife to Tsar Nicholas II, heard through the grapevine that Rasputin could potentially heal Alexei of his hemophilia. It is unclear what Rasputin did for Alexei, but many believe that he hypnotized the young royal. Hypnotism lowers stress levels and it could have allowed Alexei to rest long enough to allow his body to heal itself. Alexandra called for Rasputin each time Alexei had an injury, and Rasputin was always able to alleviate his symptoms.

Rasputin’s involvement with Alexandra did not stop with Alexei. Many believe that Rasputin was politically influential and contributed to the demise of the Russian empire. Rasputin advised the Tsar to lead his army in World War I, and while he was away, Rasputin took it upon himself to appoint personal acquaintances to government posts. Rasputin’s personal beliefs were akin to a self-developed spirituality, and he believed that to achieve repentance from God, one had to sin. Rasputin purposely participated in excessive sex and drinking to become closer to God.

The most interesting thing about Rasputin is not his life, but his death. Rasputin was murdered by a group of nobles, among them Prince Felix Yusupov and Grand Duke Dmitri Pavlovich. First, the men tried to poison Rasputin with wine and cakes laced with cyanide. Rasputin was reportedly unaffected by the poison (though many believe that he developed a tolerance for large amounts of poison), and the men then resorted to shooting Rasputin. After he was shot once, Rasputin apparently lunged at Yusupov to defend himself, at which time he was shot two more times. The conspirators, shocked that Rasputin was still alive, continued their task by clubbing Rasputin repeatedly and then binding and wrapping him in a carpet, which they then dumped in the Neva River. The river, icy due to freezing December weather, was the final foil for Rasputin. When pulled from the water, it was evident that Rasputin freed himself from the binding – some say that his arms were sticking straight above his head when he was found. An autopsy determined that Rasputin had water in his lungs – the “Mad Monk” could not be destroyed by poisoning, shooting, or beating – only a force of nature could claim the man whose powers some believe were at odds with nature.

One of the items that fascinates me most about Rasputin are the rumors surrounding his sexual appetite and menagerie of lovers. If you have no stomach for frank talk about sex, you should likely discontinue reading now.

Russian historian Orland Figes wrote of Rasputin’s purported sexual deftness:

“One woman confessed that the first time she made love to him her orgasm was so violent that she fainted. Perhaps his potency as a lover also had a physical explanation. Rasputin’s assassin and alleged homosexual lover, Felix Yusopov, claimed that his prowess was explained by a large wart strategically situated on his penis, which was of exceptional size.”

Hmmm. Let that sink in for a moment. Rasputin was likely schtupping Alexandra, and Rasputin’s member is probably the most famous physical remnant of his life. Rasputin’s severed penis is on display at a Russian museum of erotica, and if you would like a NSFW (depending on where you work) peek at what everyone’s favorite Russian mystic was working with, click here. If you actually clicked that link, you probably are both disgusted and impressed at the same time. Or perhaps you just feel inferior.

That’s today’s history lesson: the man, the myth, the legend, Rasputin.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Politics: That Thing That Causes Diarrhea of the Mouth

6 Feb

The fact that my blog is currently featured on the homepage of wordpress.com is nothing but a strange coincidence. I received an email from a WordPress editor yesterday morning congratulating me for good work. Of course I think it’s a great thing, a really fun thing to have so many people read what you’ve written. I have no control over why WordPress chose my blog entry, but I am assuming it has to do with timeliness, and not necessarily the content.

Normally I hate writing about political issues, and when I do, it is generally about something that has truly struck a nerve with me. This is why I chose to comment on the Tim Tebow controversy, without expecting it to become a debate about good and evil, right and wrong, etc. The truth is, no one will ever change their mind about abortion. It’s one of those issues that seems stuck in perpetual immobility. Regardless of this, people still have their opinions and will write the hell out of them whenever they feel like someone is shaking a finger at them.

Here’s an excerpt from a comment received today:

“Everything is turning political these days, and it’s getting old. When I saw the title I thought it would be a fun and insightful read on the SPORTS and the differences between the Colts and Saints ON THE FIELD. Then I read it and wished I hadn’t. Thanks for dampening my excitement about tomorrow.”

Okay, first off, I like sports. I enjoy the Superbowl like everyone else, and I’ll likely be watching tomorrow. First, their complaint of “I thought it would be a fun and insightful read,” really holds no sway. You really cannot judge an article by its title – I read lots of things everyday that somehow turn out to be different from what I was expecting. Then if I am not entertained I move on by clicking the next page. Next, this person’s annoying use of capital letters to spell “SPORTS” and “ON THE FIELD” is likely meant to insult my intelligence somehow. I know what sports are, thank you.  I will let this go.

My favorite part of the reader’s complaint: “then I read it but I wish I hadn’t.” Well, you read it anyway. And you left a three paragraph comment. Thanks for the page views! Then they try to make me out to be a Debbie Downer: “Thanks for dampening my excitement about tomorrow.” You’re surely welcome. Somehow I doubt that this person’s “excitement” was truly “dampened.” First, they were excited enough to write a short novel as a comment. Second, it’s just a football game. That’s the point. There’s not meant to be any thinking involved – which is exactly why I chose to comment on the Tim Tebow controversy.

The complainant claims, “everything is getting political these days.” You’re absolutely right about this. The Superbowl and CBS is choosing to douse the American public in the throes of a completely unnecessary political aim by a biased political organization. Football is meant to be fun to watch, and the commercials that go along with the Superbowl are typically among the most entertaining anyone will see all year. So why can’t the suits over at CBS refuse some money from a Christian organization? It’s due to greed. And what exactly is wrong about being “political”? The word has so much unnecessary baggage. The current state of the world cannot help but be “political”. Young people like myself, liberal and conservative alike, are taking the initiative to become involved in politics, and no matter the differences in ideology or worldview, it’s a good thing. (Like Martha Stewart would say.)

I really do not enjoy writing about politics as often as I do, but when I see something that jostles my mind and gets me going about what I believe, I cannot stand idly by. If I am too “political,” then so be it. At least I have the page views (and comments) to prove that people are reading.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →