Tag Archives: Breakup

…And It All Came Crashing Down

18 Apr

…And it all came crashing down

When she knew what your name was

When she knew where you lived,

When she knew you liked drum circles.

…And I was a fool for ever thinking I was the only one

The only one you thought of

When you closed your eyes at whatever hour

You find to be a decent time to finally sleep.

…And when I realized that I had been played,

That you thought you were clever,

That you thought your illusion was complete,

It all ended in thirty seconds of an exchange.

…And when you’re older and wiser

(If that ever actually happens)

You’ll suddenly realize what you had –

A good and faithful woman,

Someone who loved you so.

…But it all came crashing down

On a strange LA night,

Beneath the smog of invisible stars.

Oh So You Got Dumped? Get Over It.

12 Oct

Ugh, privilege.  It is everywhere.  There is privilege in the air, and in my grande caramel macchiato, and in the Anthropologie bag containing a lovely maxi skirt I purchased to wear to my privileged law firm job.  When will it end people?  When will privilege finally disappear!?!  The answer is never if you happened to stumble upon the most privileged blog entry of all time, written by someone who writes under the pseudonym “Brett Ashley”.  Appearing on Jezebel, the intriguingly-titled “The Most Fucked Up Things People Have Said to Me During My Break Up” is a privilege parade fit for the most prissy and self-indulgent people who walk the earth.  One would expect the fucked up things that people say to her to contain any of the following words and/or phrases:

“Maybe he dumped you because you’re fat.”

“You’re worthless without that relationship”

“You might as well just kill yourself now and get it over with.”

Mad As Hell

The reaction of everyone reading Brett Ashley’s blog post.

None of these things appear in the list of the most fucked up things people have said to Brett Ashley in the aftermath of her horrible, no good, very bad breakup.  Instead, these are the worst things people have said to Brett following her breakup:

“Maybe he’ll come back?” – a Friend

“You’re really hurting your personal brand with all this moping around.” – My [Female] Boss

“Please do not throw this relationship away; you only get love like this once in your life.” – My Mother

“You’re smart/pretty/young/funny/successful/interesting/outgoing/all of the above. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry.” – Almost Friggin’ Everyone

Once again, these are the “most fucked up things” that people have said to Brett Ashley since her breakup.  These things are not fucked up at all and are actually just people trying to be as nice as possible.  Instead, some of the actual fucked up things in this blog post come from the charming mind of Brett Ashley herself.

Some of the gems Brett has in her piece:

“…yes, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in my life, I have been dumped.”

It will probably happen again.  Better get used to it, Brett.

Or how about what she would like her parents to do for her in this oh so difficult time?

“Instead, how about: “We just want you to be happy – I know that’s probably hard right now. We love you so much. This must be very hard. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.” Or just send money. I may be an adult now, but I will never ever turn down financial contributions from my parents.”

Yikes.  Brett Ashley wants your money, Brett Ashley’s parents.

The only thing worse than this blog post of falsehoods is the description of the author appearing at the end:

Brett Ashley is a 28 year-old urban professional born in the southern United States who has been moving between major metropolitan cities ever since. She blogs under a pseudonym to protect the innocent (and not so), and has a penchant for bad television, good wine and Hemingway references.

Ugh, it just gets worse.  She likes bad television and good wine.  I cannot stand this person.  It has become more clear as to why the boyfriend may have broken up with this person.

In conclusion, things could be worse, Brett Ashley.  We have all been dumped.  But you could also be eating out of a trash can or be dead.  Think about it.

One Year Later: Hmmm, I Dated That?

5 Dec

A year ago today, my heart shattered into a million bajillion pieces, the result of an ill-planned and unexpected breakup, courtesy of my ex-boyfriend Brandon.* December 5th, 2009: quite possibly the worst day I ever lived thus far, though I now realize how dramatic that may sound.

The first thing he did was send me an indirect message that we were over. I got an email from AT&T stating that Brandon wanted me off of his account. My stomach sank. I knew what was happening. I cried in front of my coworkers at 30 Rock and then trudged to the subway to make my way back to the Village.  I was walking to a poetry reading by John Ashbery when I called him.

“Brandon, what’s going on?”

“Heather, I don’t think this is working out.”

I start gasping for air.

There was nothing I could say to stop his freight train barrage of insults. He told me that he felt like my father (WTF?) and that he didn’t “have to do shit” about helping me move. To him, someone to whom I dedicated so much of my time, effort, and love, I was now nothing. I was a peon worth little more than an indirect corporate email and a phone call I had to make on my own. And he, though I would only realize this months later, was a worthless piece of shit and a huge pussy who deleted me as a friend on Facebook seconds after getting off the phone with me.

This little stunt of Brandon’s (which came very suddenly out of the blue for me) almost ruined my last two weeks at NYU. Not only did I have to finish seven papers in that time frame in order to earn my degrees, but I also had to figure out where the fuck I was going to be living in that time. The breakup further complicated these matters by giving me an incurable case of tears, most of which would commence randomly as I wandered the streets of NYC. Brandon planned on coming to New York to help me move, but now that he revealed his true colors (dark colors indeed), he completely rescinded this offer to help me and left me high and dry. Luckily for myself (and for Brandon’s testicles), I am the sort of person who always gets shit done. I am go-getter, if you will – a certified hustler. In spite of someone’s attempt at making me feel worthless, I pulled through and finished college on a high note.

After I managed to drag myself back out west, a whole year passed. I spent the first half of it curled in the fetal position, screaming aloud every time a thought about the loser who broke my heart came to mind. 2010 was a year marked by loss, uncertainty, and off-and-on unemployment. Oh, and lots of booze.

You’re likely wondering how any vitriol for my ex still exists. I have some good reasons for that. First, and most importantly, my ex turned out to be a liar. I know for a FACT that he contacted another girl (for dating/fucking purposes) not even an hour after breaking up with me. I wish I saved the evidence, but because I am a nice person, I chose not to. Instead, I confronted the offender in person, who swiftly denied that he had broken up with me to date another girl. It is his audacity to LIE TO MY FACE that annoys me the most. This is a person I gave everything to, including my goddamn virginity, and he fucking lies to me. Second, who the fuck breaks up with someone with an AT&T email but a certified pussy? Third, anyone who breaks serious plans and promises (like helping someone move 2,000 miles across the country) is worthless.

I just stumbled upon some recent pictures of the offender. At first I was afraid to look, thinking the photos might trigger yet another cry-fest. What did I think when my jaded, lonely eyes saw his stupid, shit-eating grin? “Hmmm…I dated that?” He just looked awful to me, completely void of sex appeal and somehow looking much too tan.

I noticed that these pictures were also evidence that the offender took his girlfriend (the same girl he contacted minutes after breaking it off with me) to visit his parents in another state. What’s offensive about that? How about the fact that’s he’s been with her a lesser length of time than he had been with me at the point and time he took me to visit his parents? I do feel a bit of empathy for this girl, who does not yet know that she will one day have her heart ripped out of her chest by an evil bloodsucker. (Plus, she’s either insane or heard nothing but lies from the start – no sane person would get involved with someone just getting out of a serious 2.5 year relationship, hence I will give her the benefit of the doubt.) It appears to me that to Brandon, people (especially women), are completely interchangeable, and that is what burns the most. It’s too much to realize how little you meant to someone else when they were once everything to you.

Now that the obligatory year of mourning passed and I now have a new prospect on the horizon (a handsome, hot, funny, professional athlete prospect, to be exact), what more can be said about the dipshit that broke my heart? Nothing at all. He’s just not worth this pain anymore.

* I have decided that enough time has passed that the use of pseudonyms is now moot.

Tell the Truth, Even if it Makes You Look Stupid

31 Mar

One of my biggest pet peeves is dishonesty. No one wants to be friends with, date, or generally know a liar. Liars suck. Liars especially suck when you are 1000% sure that they are lying. When you have evidence of their dishonesty, the work of a liar becomes an example of the worst of humanity’s failings.

Liars: they suck.

Scenario #1:

You’ve been dating someone for about 2-and-a-half years. Yes, that’s a long time. It’s a long distance relationship, but one party is planning to move back to the location of the other party at the conclusion of college. The one that isn’t finishing college has promised to help you move 2,000 miles across the country. The only issue that arises is that this person bullies you on the phone one night until you can’t handle it anymore, and you hang up on them after yelling, “F*** You”. You figure that you’ll let your little outburst blow over and then call to apologize. However, the very next day you get a corporate email from AT&T stating that the other person wants you off of their account. Yes, this is how they’ve chosen to break up with you. They also rescind their promise to help you move. Truly scummy. A decent person would still help you if they have respect for you as a person. This person isn’t decent, and it’s a shock, since you’ve basically wasted 2.5 years of your precious earth time with them. You also find out that they’ve been eyeing another person for a while now. They contact/booty call this other person THE SAME DAY they break up with you. And then they lie about it every time you confront them about it.


Look, if you want to date someone else, man up and tell me about it. It will hurt a lot less in the long run. Plus, you’ll look like less of an idiot. As one friend put it:

Even if nothing happened between them until after you two broke up, then he should have had the balls to tell you that one of the reasons he broke up with you was because he was interested in someone else.

Well said, friend. Well said.

Scenario #2:

You’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks. However, he’s going away for a long time and you’re not sure whether you can handle keeping in touch for so long. (The long distance thing is quite tedious, and after Scenario #1, you probably will never do it again.) You would like to keep in touch on Skype and possibly send him home-baked cookies. He leaves and you give him a note with your email address. You find out ten days later that this person is engaged to be married to a completely different person in a completely different state. You’re clearly not the one who’s being played, but you are being used, even if it is in a minimal way. And your feelings have been hurt, because for whatever reason, you started having feelings for someone who turned out to be a liar. It happens to the best of us.


Um, I don’t know. Maybe tell people that you’re ENGAGED. That shouldn’t be a big secret. And if it is, you shouldn’t be getting married to begin with. You’d make a terrible spouse anyway. You’re a liar, a cheater, and a little bit fat (in this specific case, the liar was slightly rotund). You fail. Thanks for playing.

There you have it. Two examples of why lying is such poor form. How do you avoid liars? You’d probably have to become a hermit. Liars are everywhere. You just have to learn how to spot them sooner.

Men Leave. But if They Don’t, They Still Die: The Lady Gaga Edition

2 Mar

Jezebel posted one of the most relevant and interesting quotes I’ve read in a very long time:

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

All Hail Lady Gaga

This quote is from my current personal heroine, Lady Gaga. Gaga is touching on a subject that has an overt pertinence to my personal life. What I’ve recently realized is that no man (again, NO MAN) is worth compromising one’s own longterm career goals and/or emotional well-being. I am at an age at which many young women choose to marry and start families. There is nothing wrong with this if you are secure in such a decision, but countless young women have the potential to end up trapped in a situation that may be unlike one they hoped for. Dreams of domesticity are not always fulfilled in a healthful, loving way. One woman’s dream of raising a family could be comparable to another woman’s dream of becoming a published author, lawyer, or doctor. In any case, all women must put their mental and spiritual well-being first.

I am completely aware that I am not only too much of a child myself to even think of being married and having kids, but I am also much too involved in furthering my career. It took the recent and unwelcome ending of a longterm relationship to help me realize what my priorities should be. I gave this person my total commitment and love and they chose to give up on our relationship at a critical time during which I needed their support. He said and did some truly hurtful things, without reason or explanation. Predictably, the most hurtful thing he said was that he didn’t love me anymore. I cannot fathom suddenly changing one’s mind about such deep feelings and then having the nerve to throw something so painful in another person’s face. This person repeatedly told me, “your goals are unrealistic” and that “nothing ever materializes” (in reference to my writing). We’ll see about all of that, but I think I’m doing very well for myself now. Once the person you are with begins lambasting your hopes and dreams, your relationship is doomed.

Here’s what every young woman should know: do not drop out of school or move across the country to follow the whims of a random douchebag man. Eventually, when you find happiness with yourself, the right person for you will appear. And you won’t feel the need to drop everything. The ideal is to find someone who will support your pursuing whatever career you wish, wherever it may take you.

A career is your life’s work: it is not your job at the Sunglass Hut or any 9 to 5 in a fluorescent-lit office that pays the bills. You can find a man on any street corner, in any city, in any corner of the world. The trick is to find the right one.  He’s out there, but in the meantime, get your hustle on.

John Mayer’s Battle Studies: A Reason to End A Committed Relationship

11 Jan

John Mayer is partly to blame for the end of a nearly two-and-a-half year relationship. Yes, I am speaking of my relationship with a man I will refer to as Bobert* from this point on.  I thought Bobert was a great man – I likely would have said yes if he had proposed marriage and we had discussed names for our children. Little did I know that Bobert was secretly unhappy and waiting for any little excuse to pull the plug on our relationship. That reason turned out to be directly related to John Mayer. I have been a serious John mayer fan for quite a while (nearly 9 years), and Bobert was well aware of this – we even attended a John Mayer show together in the summer of 2008, and only two weeks before our breakup, Bobert went Dutch with me on a set of third row tickets for a March Mayer show.

On a cold December evening, I called my Bobert for help with completing an email for a John Mayer contest. The prize: two tickets to a secret John Mayer/VH1 show to celebrate the release of his latest album, Battle Studies, at an undisclosed location in Brooklyn.  Just hours before this fateful phone call, Bobert had declared that he missed me, was excited to see me, etc. (This was a long distance relationship.) Yet it all came to a halt due to John Mayer. You see, Bobert got annoyed with me. So annoyed, in fact, that when he asked what exactly I needed help with (I wanted to know how to put a photo in an email), he said, “You’re wasting my time.” This did not sit well with me; in fact, I responded with a hearty “Fuck you!” and hung up the phone. The next day is when everything went to hell. I’ll leave out the gory details, but I will let you know that dear Bobert threatened to cancel my phone number and rescinded a promise to help me move 2,000 miles across the country only 15 days before it was set to happen. Yes, Bobert is a bad man.

Ironically, the last remnants of that relationship are two third row tickets to John Mayer’s Winter Tour at the Pepsi Center in March. I have not yet decided whether I will sell those tickets, but keeping them will be very bittersweet. A great thanks to John Mayer for revealing the true colors of Bobert. They are dark colors indeed. Goodbye, Bobert. Hello, southern California and the possibility of non-committal sex with John Mayer.

*Name has been changed to arbitrarily protect a moron.