Tag Archives: Bobert

On Things Unrequited (Especially Love)

27 Jun

I'm thinking about getting this as a tattoo.

Something prompted me to write this entry tonight – something I cannot quite grasp while I am still in the throes of a reactive anger that left me wanting to dance it out (kind of like “hug it out,” but for people who like to dance) at my favorite club.

Anyway, let me start out by saying something I’ve thought about a lot lately – I loathe men. All of them, really. Not one seems to have any qualities I would desire in a romantic partner, and the one that did changed his mind about me a long time ago. In the last seven months, I’ve had time to think, to vent, to cry, and to generally feel like crap, and I wish I could say it were over, but it’s not. I see no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel – I see no chance at finding someone I could say “I love you” to and mean it again. I’m being held in a state of mourning by some force that wants to teach me a lesson. A cruel, endless lesson that will likely only be useful after I’ve left my youth behind.

What has spurred on my loathing of the heterosexual man? It appears to me as though many men lack any sense of follow-through and/or ability to be honest when it is most vital.  A lack of communication skills is perhaps the most salient problem among the young men I have come into contact with. The lack of willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions (and speak for those actions) is perhaps the greatest problem that plagues our society. American society is producing individuals who want instant gratification – the concept of hard and honest work is nearly lost on my generation. I am not referring to honest work simply in the sense of work work, but in the sense of working toward honest, beautiful relationships with your fellow man. Last weekend I met someone who had sparked within me a feeling of joy I hadn’t felt in a long time. He was smart, funny, kind of a nerd (just like myself), and liked Leonardo DiCaprio movies. We hung out on both Saturday and Sunday, but by Monday, he had decided he didn’t like me anymore. He didn’t actually say this – someone else decided to play messenger, though I believe I already knew this when he didn’t text me the next day. And of course, I still have a lingering interest in this person – a crush that I hope will go away as soon as possible. By the time I started typing this sentence, a gag reflex that surfaces when I think of this person has already developed, thank goodness.

I want to simply like someone so badly. I want to remember what a first kiss is like, what the nervousness you feel when you first get close to someone is like once more. But I can’t now. I have to wait. I am still very much in love with another – someone who has all but forgotten everything about me, including the fact that he has had my entire heart since the day we met three summers ago.

Heartbreak is truly the most painful emotional trial I have ever been through. It hurts even more when you realize that the one you love has likely forgotten all about you and the love you shared. He’s probably whispering the same sweet nothings I once heard into the ear of someone else. Unfortunately, we should all get the chance to feel this way. Without knowing pain, there is no such thing as knowing love.

So, in the meantime, I am trapped in the interim between love and loathing and being subjected to shallow encounters with shallow people that truly lead nowhere. I am in a holding pattern; an endless cycle of disappointment that always brings me back to thinking of someone who never thinks of me. End rant.

Men Leave. But if They Don’t, They Still Die: The Lady Gaga Edition

2 Mar

Jezebel posted one of the most relevant and interesting quotes I’ve read in a very long time:

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

All Hail Lady Gaga

This quote is from my current personal heroine, Lady Gaga. Gaga is touching on a subject that has an overt pertinence to my personal life. What I’ve recently realized is that no man (again, NO MAN) is worth compromising one’s own longterm career goals and/or emotional well-being. I am at an age at which many young women choose to marry and start families. There is nothing wrong with this if you are secure in such a decision, but countless young women have the potential to end up trapped in a situation that may be unlike one they hoped for. Dreams of domesticity are not always fulfilled in a healthful, loving way. One woman’s dream of raising a family could be comparable to another woman’s dream of becoming a published author, lawyer, or doctor. In any case, all women must put their mental and spiritual well-being first.

I am completely aware that I am not only too much of a child myself to even think of being married and having kids, but I am also much too involved in furthering my career. It took the recent and unwelcome ending of a longterm relationship to help me realize what my priorities should be. I gave this person my total commitment and love and they chose to give up on our relationship at a critical time during which I needed their support. He said and did some truly hurtful things, without reason or explanation. Predictably, the most hurtful thing he said was that he didn’t love me anymore. I cannot fathom suddenly changing one’s mind about such deep feelings and then having the nerve to throw something so painful in another person’s face. This person repeatedly told me, “your goals are unrealistic” and that “nothing ever materializes” (in reference to my writing). We’ll see about all of that, but I think I’m doing very well for myself now. Once the person you are with begins lambasting your hopes and dreams, your relationship is doomed.

Here’s what every young woman should know: do not drop out of school or move across the country to follow the whims of a random douchebag man. Eventually, when you find happiness with yourself, the right person for you will appear. And you won’t feel the need to drop everything. The ideal is to find someone who will support your pursuing whatever career you wish, wherever it may take you.

A career is your life’s work: it is not your job at the Sunglass Hut or any 9 to 5 in a fluorescent-lit office that pays the bills. You can find a man on any street corner, in any city, in any corner of the world. The trick is to find the right one.  He’s out there, but in the meantime, get your hustle on.

John Mayer’s Battle Studies: A Reason to End A Committed Relationship

11 Jan

John Mayer is partly to blame for the end of a nearly two-and-a-half year relationship. Yes, I am speaking of my relationship with a man I will refer to as Bobert* from this point on.  I thought Bobert was a great man – I likely would have said yes if he had proposed marriage and we had discussed names for our children. Little did I know that Bobert was secretly unhappy and waiting for any little excuse to pull the plug on our relationship. That reason turned out to be directly related to John Mayer. I have been a serious John mayer fan for quite a while (nearly 9 years), and Bobert was well aware of this – we even attended a John Mayer show together in the summer of 2008, and only two weeks before our breakup, Bobert went Dutch with me on a set of third row tickets for a March Mayer show.

On a cold December evening, I called my Bobert for help with completing an email for a John Mayer contest. The prize: two tickets to a secret John Mayer/VH1 show to celebrate the release of his latest album, Battle Studies, at an undisclosed location in Brooklyn.  Just hours before this fateful phone call, Bobert had declared that he missed me, was excited to see me, etc. (This was a long distance relationship.) Yet it all came to a halt due to John Mayer. You see, Bobert got annoyed with me. So annoyed, in fact, that when he asked what exactly I needed help with (I wanted to know how to put a photo in an email), he said, “You’re wasting my time.” This did not sit well with me; in fact, I responded with a hearty “Fuck you!” and hung up the phone. The next day is when everything went to hell. I’ll leave out the gory details, but I will let you know that dear Bobert threatened to cancel my phone number and rescinded a promise to help me move 2,000 miles across the country only 15 days before it was set to happen. Yes, Bobert is a bad man.

Ironically, the last remnants of that relationship are two third row tickets to John Mayer’s Winter Tour at the Pepsi Center in March. I have not yet decided whether I will sell those tickets, but keeping them will be very bittersweet. A great thanks to John Mayer for revealing the true colors of Bobert. They are dark colors indeed. Goodbye, Bobert. Hello, southern California and the possibility of non-committal sex with John Mayer.

*Name has been changed to arbitrarily protect a moron.