Bad Days and Bad Blood: Find That Commenter!

21 Apr

The great thing about being a writer with an oft-read blog is having haters. Once again, haters be hatin’. Let us see what one hater had to say today in response to yesterday’s post, Bad Days and Bad Blood:

After reading this post, I feel obligated to respond.  If you wish to “erase hate” from the world, perhaps you should start with your own demons.  You are one of the rudest, bitchiest people I have ever met, and now apparently the most hypocritical. If you do not want others talking rudely behind your back, perhaps you should stop gossiping about others when they are not around.  Or perhaps you should just learn to be a nice person is general.  No one likes to be around a narcissistic, whiny bitch who cares only about herself and doesn’t give a damn about the feelings of those around her.

This lovely comment comes from a reader who volunteered their name as the wonderfully revealing “anonymous”. However, because I have access to the IP address of every person who chooses to comment on my blog (in addition to the longitude and latitude of their location), I did some investigative work and found out a few things about our “anonymous” commenter.

First off, their IP Address originates somewhere within the Air Force. Interesting, indeed. Their geographical location on Google Earth is somewhere near the intersection of Pikes Peak and Murray Boulevard in Colorado Springs, Colorado. I don’t know anyone who lives out that way, so I am now completely stumped.

The comment made above demonstrates EXACTLY the point I am trying to make. This sort of behavior is CYCLICAL. This person hates because they are hurt and in turn they hurt because another person who hates did something bad to them. And perhaps I was that person, though I highly doubt it since I cannot quite figure out who this could be.

Could it not be completely possible that they misread what I was trying to say? I am unsure. I never said I that people talking about people is the primary issue.

If you notice the poor logic in their argument, they simply repeat everything I have already admitted. I said people think I am rude and bitchy. I admit this. I am not going to hide that. It also does not mean that I am inherently rude and bitchy. I explained that this is a defense mechanism. Ultimately, their suggestion to me is completely unhelpful because I was already examining the source of these impressions. I actually am quite a nice person, and perhaps if they took any time to talk to me or truly get to know me (because I am unsure of who this person could be exactly, since they appear to be Air Force, and I can only think of a handful of people I know in the Air Force), they would change their mind.

If this person comes forward with their identity within 72 hours, I will buy them a tank of gas. That’s right! A full tank of gas for the person who wrote this comment! Our world’s most precious commodity free for their taking! Of course they will have to prove it is them by providing me with their laptop so I may examine their browsing history.

I am assuming that because this person was able to find my blog that they could even be friends with me on Facebook. If someone aids me in finding this person, I will get them a $25 gift card to a chain restaurant of their choice.

Fixed Air’s first prize giveaway is underway! Buena suerte!

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Bad Days and Bad Blood: Why We Need to be Nice to One Another

20 Apr

What is it that makes human beings want to be cruel to one another? I recently experienced one of the worst days I’ve ever lived through in my recent memory. This was due to a combination of circumstances and coincidences that were beyond my control. However, I could not help but feel that perhaps these things happen for a reason, and allow us to view life from the perspective of someone who only knows defeat. It is only from pain that one learns that treating others well is the ideal goal.

There are common misconceptions about myself that I feel precede any sort of impression I have the ability to make. People often perceive me as rude, self-absorbed, and rather aloof. In reality, these things are not far from the truth. However, I am perfectly capable of showing my kind side. The reasoning behind my “rude,” (and somewhat bitchy) exterior stems from a childhood marred by the cruel words and actions of others. I have been teased my entire life for a few things, the most prominent among them likely being my laugh and my extreme capability to experience real emotion (i.e., I’m a fucking cry-baby). So, naturally, as time passed, I was able to begin deflecting the words and actions of others by learning to retreat into my mind, where, very clearly, I was the best person around. My teen years allowed me to develop a sense of narcissism that became my comfort. Quite naturally, this defense mechanism manifests in the form of bitchiness. And I often do not understand why someone may be offended by things I say or my general demeanor, because I have trained myself to hide that I care.

The biggest problem that comes with this defense mechanism is an inability to convince others that I am being genuine. However, I feel that I am genuine in everything that I say and do, and I do not pander to others simply to make them feel good about their lives or what have you. I am unsure of where this is heading, but there is one more thing I wanted to touch on.

I suppose there is nothing I loathe more than someone who talks badly about people behind their backs. But, of course, we all do it and for whatever reason, we will all continue to do it. I recently heard that someone said something about me behind my back that is so unbelievably rude (and likely tinged with evil) that I cannot even begin to comprehend this person’s thought process and why they think it’s okay to act rude and mean simply because you want to look cool in front of your friends.

I simply wish that there would be some way to erase hate from the world, and to force people to be honest with one another when they need to be. Obviously this will never happen and we will all continue to live miserably in the shadows of the comments of others. Life sucks. Blah, blah, blah. I am a whiny artist. A whiny artist deserving of wonderful words and treatment. And so are you (minus the whiny artist bit).

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Disappointing Celebrity Penises Throughout History

22 Mar

Penises! You hate what they’re attached to, but by god, you can’t live without them! They’re everywhere! And what sort of penis might everyone like? A celebrity’s penis!

Photos of celebrity penises are highly sought after, though there are reasons why I think this is silly. First off, people seem to assume that a celebrity usually has an impressive, beautiful penis, simply because it may be attached to someone talented and/or beautiful.  This is simply not the case. The truth is that most people have average, functional dicks that get the job done. Whether or not we realize it, celebrities are simply humans, most likely in possession of average penises. Second, what happens to these pictures of penises other than being published in Playgirl (often without permission of male celebrities) and eventually finding a home on an obscure gay porn website? They circulate the gossip websites for a couple of weeks and disappear forever. So in the end, no one cares about your penis. Put that thing away.

Yesterday I chose to give in to the latest celebrity penis hype and took a brief, lazy glance at the leaked photos of Chris Brown’s penis. I take that back. I stared for quite a while. I searched the photograph for hints of tampering. I noted the lighting and the use of a bathroom mirror, most likely in a hotel. But the actual penis in question? Meh. Average! It was probably medically normal and nothing to get excited over, just like most celebrity penises.

This disappointment in celebrity penises is nothing new. Surely there are several disappointing celebrity penis moments throughout history, which we shall now examine:

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #1: Tom Cruise

I'm angsty! Look at me gripping my football as though it were a metaphorical extension of myself! Wah!

 

 

Back in the dizzay, Tom Cruise starred in a movie about high school football and teen sex called All the Right Moves. This was really early in his career and he probably did not expect to become a star, so he likely dropped trou without thinking about anything but a paycheck. Overall Assessment: Smaller than average. More of a turn-off: scientology.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #2: Leonardo DiCaprio

Are you thinking about my penis? Why yes Leo, yes I am.

 

 

In another fascinating but rarely seen cinematic moment, my man Leonardo DiCaprio went the full frontal route. Playing gay poet Arthur Rimbaud, Leo flashed his goods for the love of art. Overall Assessment: Average. Would still hit it.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #3: Daniel Radcliffe

Don't look at us like that. You took off your pants on your own.

 

 

I really don’t care to see this one, but from what I’ve heard, Harry Potter is both smaller-than average and a bit, ahem, wild down there, if you will. I think I speak for all women when I say that it is important that men take as much care with their grooming as we often do. I mean, let’s be honest – would any man want to have their face in the equivalent of a buffalo fur? No, they wouldn’t. Overall Assessment: No thank you.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #4: Brad Pitt

The original example of blonde-haired perfection, William Bradley Pitt.

 

 

Some paparazzi photos from a few years back revealed what every person should know: size doesn’t always matter. Case in point: Brad Pitt’s average member. He’s so perfect-looking that it really shouldn’t matter anyway. However, ex-girlfriend Juliette Lewis once said that Pitt was “no BIG deal in bed”. Bitter are we, Juliette? Overall Assessment: If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me.

 


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Live-Blogging the 2011 Academy Awards

27 Feb

The Oscars are tonight, and it’s a bit of a weird thing, especially since many movies were absolutely terrible this year.  I can only think of a few movies that stood out as being award-worthy, but alas, the show will go on!

Return at 6 PM Mountain Standard Time for my Oscar live blog!

And the show begins!

6:00 – 6:30 PM MST: The Pre-show for the Oscars brought us a lot of bad fashion and a lot of good fashion. And hello? Red was everywhere!!! Who looked good? Gwyneth Paltrow, Hailee Steinfeld, Jennifer Lawrence. Who looked awful? Sandra Bullock showed up with what could only be described as a hairstyle one should only wear to mop floors. Scarlett Johansson wore a doily. Anne Hathaway also looked terrible – she needs help now!

Jennifer Lawrence, good.

Sandra Bullock - okay dress, awful cleaning lady hair.

Natalie Portman, cute.

Hailee Steinfeld - age appropriate in Marchesa.

Amy Adams - not so much. Better luck next year.

Did someone else get the red memo? This looks horrible on her tits.

Did anyone else think this dress looked like herpes glued on some chiffon?

Fit for a table top!

6:30 PM: The opening montage features the films nominated for Best Picture.

6:32 PM: The prerequisite film spoof montage has begun. James Franco just looks like he just doesn’t give a shit. Also, Alec Baldwin is there with no reason explaining why.

6:33 PM: “Tell the Winklevoss’s to stop giving me the stinkeye!”

6:34 PM: “I loved you in Tron. And this movie.” – Franco to Jeff Bridges.

6:35 PM: “I have good news from the future. Microphones get smaller.” – Anne Hathaway in The King’s Speech spoof.

6:38 PM: Anne Hathaway and James Franco step onto the stage to host the awards. So what, who cares? James Franco doesn’t care. Not one bit.

6:40 PM: James Franco’s grandma looks exactly like James Franco as a little old woman. “I just saw Marky Mark!”

6:42 PM: Tom Hanks is out to present the first two awards. Cinematography and art direction.

6:44 PM: Winner of Best Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland. Meh, that was the only good thing about that movie.

6:47 PM: Hanks: “These envelopes are works of art in themselves.” What I wouldn’t give for an Oscar envelope. Winner of Best Cinematography: Inception. I concur.

6:51 PM: Wow, Kirk Douglas can walk!!! Ooh, Best Actress in a Supporting Role! So we have Amy Adams, Helena Bonham-Carter, Jacki Weaver, Melissa Leo, and Hailee Steinfeld. I want Hailee to win!

Kirk Douglas: “Colin Firth is not laughing. He’s British.”

6:56 PM: Melissa Leo in The Fighter. Sorry, wrong!

7:00 PM: Is this woman done talking? What an awful speech!

7:00 PM: Why is Justin Timberlake saying that he’s Banksy? Apparently Banksy is supposed to show up at the Oscars sine his film Exit Through the Gift Shop is nominated. Winner of Best Animated Short: The Lost Thing. Never heard of it. Who cares?

7:05 PM: Best Animated Film winner: Toy Story 3.

7:12 PM: Um, what the hell are Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem wearing? Those white tuxes look like shit. Ugh, my uterus is disappointed!

Best Adapted Screenplay winner: The Social Network (Hells yeah!)

Best Original Screenplay winner: The King’s Speech by David Seidler “My father said I would be a late bloomer.”

7:23 PM: Anne Hathaway: “On my own, because someone is a huge jackass.”

7:25 PM: James Franco dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: “I just got a text from Charlie Sheen.”

7:27 PM: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren present Best Foreign Language Film: In A Better World (Denmark).

7:29 PM: Reese Witherspoon presents Best Supporting Actor. Nominees: Christian Bale, John Hawkes, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, and Geoffrey Rush.

Winner: Christian Bale – a sexy, sexy, sometimes ungrateful man. I want to know who Boomer and Carlos are.

7:40 PM: Oh, great. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman are giving us a history lesson on sound in movies. Blah. And do we really need a live orchestra to play the scores of every movie ever made? Again?

Best Original Score winner: The Social Network. Yay! The same man who wrote the lyric “I want to fuck you like an animal” now has an Oscar. I love America.

7:46 PM: Matthew McConaughey (tan much, Matthew??) and Scarlett Johansson present the award for Best Sound Mixing: Inception.

Best Sound Editing: Inception. Yay sound.

7:54 PM: “Congratulations, nerds.” – James Franco really hates everyone, it seems.

7:56 PM: Best Makeup: The Wolfman – Rick Baker. He’s so good!

7:59 PM: Best Costume Design winner: Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland. This movie needs to stop winning awards.

8:01 PM: Let’s ask a bunch of people what their favorite Oscar-winning songs are! Let’s ask Barack Obama! Ooh, he chose “As Time Goes By”. Props!

Ew, “We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3 is such a horrible song!

This song from Tangled might be even worse! Ugh, it fucking sucks!

8:13 PM: Jake Gyllenhaal and Amy Adams present Best Short Documentary: Strangers No More.

Best Live Action Short Film: God of Love

8:17 PM: “NYU! What’s up!?!” – James Franco. I also want to give a shout-out to my NYU Graduate Film peeps – Safiya, Lucy, Rauzar and Yared! Big ups!

8:19 PM: It pains James Franco to utter the words, “Oprah Winfrey.” So painful.

8:21 PM: Best Documentary Feature, as presented by Oprah: Inside Job. Wall Street bad. Oprah good.

8:28 PM: “Bob was exactly what an Oscar host should be – a really sexy movie star. (pause) Drink it in Hugh, drink it in.” – Billy Crystal

8:31 PM: Robert Downey Jr. looks fucking good. Yes, please.

Achievement in Visual Effects: Inception.

Achievement in Film Editing: The Social Network. (Yes! Another prediction correct!)

8:41 PM: “I’m a little offended by the titles of some of the titled of the films nominated tonight. Winter’s Bone. Rabbit Hole. How to Train Your Dragon. That’s disgusting.” – more gold pouring straight out of James Franco’s mouth.

8:44 PM: Please stop singing, Gwyneth. I promise I’ll keep subscribing to GOOP.

8:46 PM: Randy Newman wins for Best Original Song. Deb says it’s only because “he’s about to drop dead.” Well, he’s been nominated 20 times, and he’s won a whopping two. Just two. Get off the stage, Newman.

8:52 PM: And finally, my second-favorite moment of the Oscars! The “In Memoriam” section! People only respect you when you’re dead! Remember that!

Pete Postlethwaite died? Hmmm….

9:01 PM: Hillary Swank is out on the stage presenting Best Director….with Kathryn Bigelow. Meh, who cares.

Winner: Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech. This means that there is a 90% chance that The King’s Speech will win Best Picture.

9:05 PM: James Franco’s makeup looks awful. He looks like Eddie Munster. And he just seems to care less and less.

9: 11 PM: I’ve decided that James Franco is stoned out of his mind. I love the glassy eyes and how he didn’t even bother to open his mouth when he said, “Jeff Bridges.”

And now, the nominees for Best Actress in a Leading Role: Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right, Nicole Kidman in Rabbit Hole, Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone, Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine.

Prediction: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Winner: Natalie Portman, Black Swan! Duh.

9:19 PM: Sandra Bullock emerges to present Best Actor in a Leading Role. The nominees are: Javier Bardem in Biutiful, Jeff Bridges in True Grit, Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network, Colin Firth in The King’s Speech, and James Franco in 127 Hours.

Prediction: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

Winner: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

9:25 PM: “I have a feeling my career’s peaked. I must warn you I have some stirrings in my abdominals that may manifest in the form of dance moves.” – Colin Firth

9:32 PM: And now, the man who owns Hollywood (literally): Steven Fucking Spielberg.

The nominees for Best Picture: The King’s Speech, 127 Hours, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Inception, Black Swan, The Kids Are All Right, The Fighter, Winter’s Bone, The Social Network.

Prediction: The King’s Speech

Winner: The King’s Speech

So, so predictable.

Ah, yes. Yet another year of rich white people presenting other rich white people with shiny awards. Thoughts? Grievances? Leave a comment on Fixed Air.

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If You Ever Want to Touch Me, You Must Have These Three Things in Your Wallet

5 Feb

A gold digger's dream: the American Express "Black" Card!

I am a very frightening woman with a sure sense of what she wants and how she’ll go about getting it. One of the things I am very particular about is the sort of man I’ll sleep with. Selectivity in this arena prevents emotional problems, disease, and pesky things known as “babies”.  It also preserves one’s place in the world as a respectable woman who will not simply spread her legs for any man buying her a drink in a bar and up the chances of finding a partner worthy of one’s presence.  I have a very simple checklist for men who are at the least worthy of talking to me, if at all.

These are the three things that must be in your wallet if you wish to say hello:

1. A valid form of picture ID (with the right man’s picture, of course). Many underestimate the power of knowing exactly who it is you are talking to. You will be surprised how many people repeatedly lie about who they are and where they’re from. At the least, this is the sign of an insecure man hoping to up his chances of getting laid by pretending he is a Harvard graduate, professional athlete, or resident of a gated community. In the worst-case scenarios, men without ID could be grifters, or even worse, serial killers. Once a young man approached me in a nightclub and claimed to be Australian. I immediately called him on his bluff (he had no idea who he was talking to) and asked to see his ID. When he opened his wallet, I glimpsed a peek of a Tennessee driver’s license and promptly sent the young man packing. Always check ID, though it does not have to be right away. Ask to see your date’s driver’s license picture if he pulls out his wallet to pay for something (which he should, anyway). This is a normal thing to ask someone.

2. A major credit card. Emphasis on major. I had a boyfriend who did not have a credit card when I met him. Take this as a red flag. If someone doesn’t have a credit card, it means one of two things:

  • They are one of those people who “don’t believe in credit” and hence only use only cash, which is indicative of other problems (drug dealing, if they are always carrying excessive cash) or of a complacent attitude that will never get someone anywhere in life. Credit runs everything in this shitty, capital-dependent world. This person probably also takes night classes at the community college in academically irrelevant topics like sociology or psychology (the latter of which you will need a doctorate to ever do anything with). BEWARE.
  • They have shitty credit or no credit at all, which means they’ll always be a poor.

You also want to be wary of people with Paypal credit cards. This probably means that their job is selling stuff on eBay. Aim higher. Obviously the best option is a normal platinum Visa, preferably one that garners frequent flier miles. This indicates someone who likes to travel.

3. A gym membership card. Let’s be honest. Sex is a shallow, shallow thing, and no one has sex with someone because they have a great personality. People have sex with people they’re attracted to, and it should remain that way. A recent experience lead me to believe that some men like to hide the fact that they do not go to the gym with oversize clothing and strategic styles of leaning. No, I do not want your soft, amoeba-like body draped over mine. Go to the gym and lift some weights. Someone who does not take care of their body from a young age is no one I want to have as a boyfriend. When you’re out meeting people, always emphasize your interest in fitness to weed out the amoebas. A hard, athletic body is a must for me – it may not be for other women, but for me it’s required.

….and yes, I am a bit of a ball-buster. Thanks for reading!

Redundancy in Hollywood: No Strings Attached and Friends with Benefits

21 Jan

Following the critical success of Black Swan, both Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis chose to make what appears to be the same movie to kick of 2011. Despite the high chances that Portman will win the Best Actress Oscar, her next movie is the fluff piece, No Strings Attached, opposite Ashton Kutcher. The film follows a simple premise: two close friends, a guy and a girl, try to use each other only for sex. Of course it’s a terrible idea and when people attempt a friends with benefits situation, and will always backfire. At least one person (though it usually will turn out to be both) will begin to have these strange things called “feelings” for the other person. A fuck buddy situation is a recipe for disaster.

The first film, No Strings Attached, which I already saw on Friday, follows the recurring meetings of Emma (Natalie Portman), a freshly-out-of med school hospital resident, and Adam (Ashton Kutcher), an aspiring television writer struggling through a “career” as a production assistant on a crappy tv show for teens and living in the shadow of his famous father (Kevin Kline).  I think the movie offered some great laughs and a barrage of lines that will become classics (“Blow is blind”, “It’s like a crime scene in my pants.”) The movie also has a cast of great feminist actresses: Mindy Kaling, Greta Gerwig, Olivia Thirlby, Lake Bell. Overall, cute movie, a little overly sentimental at the end. Here is the trailer:

The second movie documenting an awkward friends with benefits situation is the blatantly-titled Friends with Benefits, starring the less-talented Mila Kunis and the seemingly endlessly talented Justin Timberlake. The only thing I can say for this movie so far is that it portrays oral sex performed on a woman – a much welcome change in Hollywood’s typical fare that indicates men are fearful of down there.  One rule of thumb for whether you should keep a man is if he goes down on women – real men always do, and enjoy it. Losers are scared by cunnilingus. Anyway, JT is looking fiiiiiiiiiinnne in this movie. The trailer for Friends with Benefits:


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I Wish I Thought of This First: “Bangable Dudes in History”

10 Jan

A very clever blogger is in need of my admiration. The author of the blog “Bangable Dudes in History”stumbled upon a golden idea I wish I thought of first simply due to the fact that her blog combines two things I enjoy very much: doin’ it and history. I’ve decided to put together my shortlist of bangable dudes in history – enjoy!

1. If anyone reading this knows me personally, this guy is my obvious first pick! John F. Kennedy:

A lot of people think both Bobby and Teddy were hotter, but Bobby had too much chest hair for my taste and Teddy had too much alcoholism. It’s best to stick to the man himself. Also deserving of an honorable mention:

JFK’s son John John. I had a gigantic crush on him when I was in middle school and I cried for days when he passed away.

2. If you are interested in photographs of hot men throughout history, perhaps you’d be interested in learning about one of the men who took one of the first photographs EVER:

Meet Robert Cornelius, who took this self-portrait in 1839. Check out the sex hair on this guy! Not only did he contribute to the development of the daguerreotype, but he also managed to contribute to the catalog of hot men in history.

3. Uh-oh, you might be familiar with this infamous man:

In spite of Che’s association with the not-so-hot Fidel Castro (also not-so-politically-appealing), Che always looked fly in his fatigues and beret. And that cigar in his mouth only makes me wonder at the oral wonders that could ensue with such a man. Viva la revolucion!

4. Give it up for this next guy, who was awesome enough to die in a duel:

Long before Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell asked us to call them “Aaron Burr from the way we’re dropping Hamiltons,” Alexander Hamilton was busy establishing the U.S. Mint and the first national bank. A bona fide financial badass, he’d likely be rolling around in his grave if he saw what was going on today. Speaking of his grave, you can visit his tomb at Trinity Church in NYC on the corners of Broadway and Wall Street.

5. For fans of the Civil War, behold young Robert E. Lee:

A far cry from the white-bearded Confederate general he grew up to be, young Robert E. Lee resembled a John Travolta type, complete with a cleft chin. Considering his surrender at Appomattox, just imagine what else Lee would be willing to surrender in bed!

6. Are you familiar with the Haymarket Riot of 1886? Well this guy may or may not have somehow been involved:

Louis Lingg was a German anarchist writer sentenced to death following the Haymarket bombing. Before he could be executed, he committed suicide by putting a piece of dynamite in his mouth. That sounds pretty horrific, doesn’t it? You know what doesn’t sound horrific? Louis Lingg exploding in my underwear.

Look for another edition in the future!

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2010 Sucked Except for Some Select Things

31 Dec

It’s New Year’s Eve and an obligatory year-in-review post seems necessary. I’ll be straight up – 2010 fucking sucked. It straight up sucked for many reasons, including the following:

1. The earthquake in Haiti happened.

2. Alexander McQueen died, then every important celebrity ever continued to die – Dennis Hopper, Elizabeth Edwards, Corey Haim, JD Salinger,and even Rue McClanahan!

3. My student loans became due and Sallie Mae chose to eliminate loan consolidation (fuck you, Sallie Mae, you money-grubbing whore!)

4. The oil spill happened!

5. That other earthquake in Chile happened!

6. I spent the first half of the year in the fetal position due to a horrible breakup. Breakups fucking suck and everyone broke up this year, though the title of worst breakup easily goes to Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. Fuck you, Jesse James and your dirty, dirty penis.

7. Unemployment – I was one of those victims for months, thank goodness I now have almost too many jobs.

8. Someone almost bombed Times Square and that fucking sucked.

9. Those miners in Chile, even though they’re alive, were trapped FOREVER!

10. The liquor store by my house does not sell Korbel Rose, which is fucking lame!

Here are some things I did like in 2010:

1. The Oh Snap Flow Chart – This is my greatest discovery of 2010 (thanks to my fellow Jezzies), and I wish I could tell 2010. Oh snap, 2010, you bitch!

2. Television shows that have titles that play on the word “pawn” sounding like “porn.”  I already adore Pawn Stars,and when I heard about Hardcore Pawn, my head almost exploded.

3. Weight Loss from Depression – I finally learned that I am not the type of person to attach themselves to Ben and Jerry in times of distress, but rather one who loses weight involuntarily. Of course it is shallow to enjoy something like this when people are starving in many places, but maybe I’m just a shallow kind of gal.

4. Being single – This actually turned out okay for me this year. I don’t need no man! Truth!

5. Finally having a real job and learning something from it!

So there you have it – here’s to better times in 2011, and here’s something for you, 2010! Don’t let the door hit you on your ass, you cruel bitch!

You’re A Whore: God Forbid Women Enjoy Sex

17 Dec

Get it, girl!

God forbid women enjoy sex – that appears to be the general consensus among the greater public. In my 23 years of being a girl, and now a young woman, I have encountered a very prominent distaste for the idea that a woman can possibly enjoy sex and pursue it of her own free will.

Girls are groomed to be trophies: pure and virginal, shiny and new. Any sexual knowledge and/or a drive for sex tarnishes women and leaves them to gather cobwebs at the back of the proverbial bookshelf. A woman’s value is linked to the number of people she’s slept with; the higher the number goes, the more tainted her worth becomes.

How did it come to be that women are judged by such silly standards? Unfortunately, the idea that women are to be thought of as little more than property without the right to decide with whom she is sexual and when, can be traced back to one of the earliest texts still enjoying high circulation today – The Bible. The Bible tells the tale of Eve, Earth’s first woman, who God created from one of Adam’s ribs.  As a product of the flesh of man, Eve was hence the property of Adam, and in her committing Earth’s first sin, she set in motion the whore complex that women continue to battle to this day. The burden women carry for being blamed for the world’s problems stems from the sin of lust – and Eve’s lusting after an apple basically doomed all us women to a life of subservience. Thanks, Eve. Whore.

I have one more qualm with the sexual expectations placed on women. I find it very interesting how women are constantly told that they will not find a man suitable to be a husband in a bar. I enjoy going to bars. Many women enjoy going to bars. Does this make these women any less desirable as romantic partners? Why is it that we are told that the men who go to bars are any worse than the women? Sure, you probably are more likely to encounter sleazy guys at sleazy bars, but there are plenty of normal people in bars as well. I met my latest romantic interest in a bar, and he’s only a little bit insane. With that being said, simply employ common sense when meeting people at bars and clubs. Everyone has at least a little bit wrong with them, and that’s perfectly okay. Looking to get laid is different from looking for a long term romantic partner.

Avoiding being labeled a whore would likely entail living a monastic life in the rolling hills of Lichtenstein. Many people (mostly men) gain some sort of power trip by referring to women as sluts and whores, and ignoring them is your best defense. (Or a taser, which are illegal in most states.) Slut-shaming is NEVER okay, and you can do your part to eliminate the verbal abuse of women by correcting those who use such derogatory terms in reference to women.

So ladies, if you’re looking to get some, go get some and pay no mind to the haters. And always be sure to practice safe sex.

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One Year Later: Hmmm, I Dated That?

5 Dec

A year ago today, my heart shattered into a million bajillion pieces, the result of an ill-planned and unexpected breakup, courtesy of my ex-boyfriend Brandon.* December 5th, 2009: quite possibly the worst day I ever lived thus far, though I now realize how dramatic that may sound.

The first thing he did was send me an indirect message that we were over. I got an email from AT&T stating that Brandon wanted me off of his account. My stomach sank. I knew what was happening. I cried in front of my coworkers at 30 Rock and then trudged to the subway to make my way back to the Village.  I was walking to a poetry reading by John Ashbery when I called him.

“Brandon, what’s going on?”

“Heather, I don’t think this is working out.”

I start gasping for air.

There was nothing I could say to stop his freight train barrage of insults. He told me that he felt like my father (WTF?) and that he didn’t “have to do shit” about helping me move. To him, someone to whom I dedicated so much of my time, effort, and love, I was now nothing. I was a peon worth little more than an indirect corporate email and a phone call I had to make on my own. And he, though I would only realize this months later, was a worthless piece of shit and a huge pussy who deleted me as a friend on Facebook seconds after getting off the phone with me.

This little stunt of Brandon’s (which came very suddenly out of the blue for me) almost ruined my last two weeks at NYU. Not only did I have to finish seven papers in that time frame in order to earn my degrees, but I also had to figure out where the fuck I was going to be living in that time. The breakup further complicated these matters by giving me an incurable case of tears, most of which would commence randomly as I wandered the streets of NYC. Brandon planned on coming to New York to help me move, but now that he revealed his true colors (dark colors indeed), he completely rescinded this offer to help me and left me high and dry. Luckily for myself (and for Brandon’s testicles), I am the sort of person who always gets shit done. I am go-getter, if you will – a certified hustler. In spite of someone’s attempt at making me feel worthless, I pulled through and finished college on a high note.

After I managed to drag myself back out west, a whole year passed. I spent the first half of it curled in the fetal position, screaming aloud every time a thought about the loser who broke my heart came to mind. 2010 was a year marked by loss, uncertainty, and off-and-on unemployment. Oh, and lots of booze.

You’re likely wondering how any vitriol for my ex still exists. I have some good reasons for that. First, and most importantly, my ex turned out to be a liar. I know for a FACT that he contacted another girl (for dating/fucking purposes) not even an hour after breaking up with me. I wish I saved the evidence, but because I am a nice person, I chose not to. Instead, I confronted the offender in person, who swiftly denied that he had broken up with me to date another girl. It is his audacity to LIE TO MY FACE that annoys me the most. This is a person I gave everything to, including my goddamn virginity, and he fucking lies to me. Second, who the fuck breaks up with someone with an AT&T email but a certified pussy? Third, anyone who breaks serious plans and promises (like helping someone move 2,000 miles across the country) is worthless.

I just stumbled upon some recent pictures of the offender. At first I was afraid to look, thinking the photos might trigger yet another cry-fest. What did I think when my jaded, lonely eyes saw his stupid, shit-eating grin? “Hmmm…I dated that?” He just looked awful to me, completely void of sex appeal and somehow looking much too tan.

I noticed that these pictures were also evidence that the offender took his girlfriend (the same girl he contacted minutes after breaking it off with me) to visit his parents in another state. What’s offensive about that? How about the fact that’s he’s been with her a lesser length of time than he had been with me at the point and time he took me to visit his parents? I do feel a bit of empathy for this girl, who does not yet know that she will one day have her heart ripped out of her chest by an evil bloodsucker. (Plus, she’s either insane or heard nothing but lies from the start – no sane person would get involved with someone just getting out of a serious 2.5 year relationship, hence I will give her the benefit of the doubt.) It appears to me that to Brandon, people (especially women), are completely interchangeable, and that is what burns the most. It’s too much to realize how little you meant to someone else when they were once everything to you.

Now that the obligatory year of mourning passed and I now have a new prospect on the horizon (a handsome, hot, funny, professional athlete prospect, to be exact), what more can be said about the dipshit that broke my heart? Nothing at all. He’s just not worth this pain anymore.

* I have decided that enough time has passed that the use of pseudonyms is now moot.

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