The Oscars are tonight, and it’s a bit of a weird thing, especially since many movies were absolutely terrible this year. I can only think of a few movies that stood out as being award-worthy, but alas, the show will go on!
Return at 6 PM Mountain Standard Time for my Oscar live blog!
And the show begins!
6:00 – 6:30 PM MST: The Pre-show for the Oscars brought us a lot of bad fashion and a lot of good fashion. And hello? Red was everywhere!!! Who looked good? Gwyneth Paltrow, Hailee Steinfeld, Jennifer Lawrence. Who looked awful? Sandra Bullock showed up with what could only be described as a hairstyle one should only wear to mop floors. Scarlett Johansson wore a doily. Anne Hathaway also looked terrible – she needs help now!
Jennifer Lawrence, good.
Sandra Bullock - okay dress, awful cleaning lady hair.
Natalie Portman, cute.
Hailee Steinfeld - age appropriate in Marchesa.
Amy Adams - not so much. Better luck next year.
Did someone else get the red memo? This looks horrible on her tits.
Did anyone else think this dress looked like herpes glued on some chiffon?
Fit for a table top!
6:30 PM: The opening montage features the films nominated for Best Picture.
6:32 PM: The prerequisite film spoof montage has begun. James Franco just looks like he just doesn’t give a shit. Also, Alec Baldwin is there with no reason explaining why.
6:33 PM: “Tell the Winklevoss’s to stop giving me the stinkeye!”
6:34 PM: “I loved you in Tron. And this movie.” – Franco to Jeff Bridges.
6:35 PM: “I have good news from the future. Microphones get smaller.” – Anne Hathaway in The King’s Speech spoof.
6:38 PM: Anne Hathaway and James Franco step onto the stage to host the awards. So what, who cares? James Franco doesn’t care. Not one bit.
6:40 PM: James Franco’s grandma looks exactly like James Franco as a little old woman. “I just saw Marky Mark!”
6:42 PM: Tom Hanks is out to present the first two awards. Cinematography and art direction.
6:44 PM: Winner of Best Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland. Meh, that was the only good thing about that movie.
6:47 PM: Hanks: “These envelopes are works of art in themselves.” What I wouldn’t give for an Oscar envelope. Winner of Best Cinematography: Inception. I concur.
6:51 PM: Wow, Kirk Douglas can walk!!! Ooh, Best Actress in a Supporting Role! So we have Amy Adams, Helena Bonham-Carter, Jacki Weaver, Melissa Leo, and Hailee Steinfeld. I want Hailee to win!
Kirk Douglas: “Colin Firth is not laughing. He’s British.”
6:56 PM: Melissa Leo in The Fighter. Sorry, wrong!
7:00 PM: Is this woman done talking? What an awful speech!
7:00 PM: Why is Justin Timberlake saying that he’s Banksy? Apparently Banksy is supposed to show up at the Oscars sine his film Exit Through the Gift Shop is nominated. Winner of Best Animated Short: The Lost Thing. Never heard of it. Who cares?
7:05 PM: Best Animated Film winner: Toy Story 3.
7:12 PM: Um, what the hell are Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem wearing? Those white tuxes look like shit. Ugh, my uterus is disappointed!
Best Adapted Screenplay winner: The Social Network (Hells yeah!)
Best Original Screenplay winner: The King’s Speech by David Seidler “My father said I would be a late bloomer.”
7:23 PM: Anne Hathaway: “On my own, because someone is a huge jackass.”
7:25 PM: James Franco dressed as Marilyn Monroe in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: “I just got a text from Charlie Sheen.”
7:27 PM: Russell Brand and Helen Mirren present Best Foreign Language Film: In A Better World (Denmark).
7:29 PM: Reese Witherspoon presents Best Supporting Actor. Nominees: Christian Bale, John Hawkes, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, and Geoffrey Rush.
Winner: Christian Bale – a sexy, sexy, sometimes ungrateful man. I want to know who Boomer and Carlos are.
7:40 PM: Oh, great. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman are giving us a history lesson on sound in movies. Blah. And do we really need a live orchestra to play the scores of every movie ever made? Again?
Best Original Score winner: The Social Network. Yay! The same man who wrote the lyric “I want to fuck you like an animal” now has an Oscar. I love America.
7:46 PM: Matthew McConaughey (tan much, Matthew??) and Scarlett Johansson present the award for Best Sound Mixing: Inception.
Best Sound Editing: Inception. Yay sound.
7:54 PM: “Congratulations, nerds.” – James Franco really hates everyone, it seems.
7:56 PM: Best Makeup: The Wolfman – Rick Baker. He’s so good!
7:59 PM: Best Costume Design winner: Colleen Atwood for Alice in Wonderland. This movie needs to stop winning awards.
8:01 PM: Let’s ask a bunch of people what their favorite Oscar-winning songs are! Let’s ask Barack Obama! Ooh, he chose “As Time Goes By”. Props!
Ew, “We Belong Together” from Toy Story 3 is such a horrible song!
This song from Tangled might be even worse! Ugh, it fucking sucks!
8:13 PM: Jake Gyllenhaal and Amy Adams present Best Short Documentary: Strangers No More.
Best Live Action Short Film: God of Love
8:17 PM: “NYU! What’s up!?!” – James Franco. I also want to give a shout-out to my NYU Graduate Film peeps – Safiya, Lucy, Rauzar and Yared! Big ups!
8:19 PM: It pains James Franco to utter the words, “Oprah Winfrey.” So painful.
8:21 PM: Best Documentary Feature, as presented by Oprah: Inside Job. Wall Street bad. Oprah good.
8:28 PM: “Bob was exactly what an Oscar host should be – a really sexy movie star. (pause) Drink it in Hugh, drink it in.” – Billy Crystal
8:31 PM: Robert Downey Jr. looks fucking good. Yes, please.
Achievement in Visual Effects: Inception.
Achievement in Film Editing: The Social Network. (Yes! Another prediction correct!)
8:41 PM: “I’m a little offended by the titles of some of the titled of the films nominated tonight. Winter’s Bone. Rabbit Hole. How to Train Your Dragon. That’s disgusting.” – more gold pouring straight out of James Franco’s mouth.
8:44 PM: Please stop singing, Gwyneth. I promise I’ll keep subscribing to GOOP.
8:46 PM: Randy Newman wins for Best Original Song. Deb says it’s only because “he’s about to drop dead.” Well, he’s been nominated 20 times, and he’s won a whopping two. Just two. Get off the stage, Newman.
8:52 PM: And finally, my second-favorite moment of the Oscars! The “In Memoriam” section! People only respect you when you’re dead! Remember that!
Pete Postlethwaite died? Hmmm….
9:01 PM: Hillary Swank is out on the stage presenting Best Director….with Kathryn Bigelow. Meh, who cares.
Winner: Tom Hooper for The King’s Speech. This means that there is a 90% chance that The King’s Speech will win Best Picture.
9:05 PM: James Franco’s makeup looks awful. He looks like Eddie Munster. And he just seems to care less and less.
9: 11 PM: I’ve decided that James Franco is stoned out of his mind. I love the glassy eyes and how he didn’t even bother to open his mouth when he said, “Jeff Bridges.”
And now, the nominees for Best Actress in a Leading Role: Annette Bening in The Kids Are All Right, Nicole Kidman in Rabbit Hole, Jennifer Lawrence in Winter’s Bone, Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and Michelle Williams in Blue Valentine.
Prediction: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Winner: Natalie Portman, Black Swan! Duh.
9:19 PM: Sandra Bullock emerges to present Best Actor in a Leading Role. The nominees are: Javier Bardem in Biutiful, Jeff Bridges in True Grit, Jesse Eisenberg in The Social Network, Colin Firth in The King’s Speech, and James Franco in 127 Hours.
Prediction: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
Winner: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
9:25 PM: “I have a feeling my career’s peaked. I must warn you I have some stirrings in my abdominals that may manifest in the form of dance moves.” – Colin Firth
9:32 PM: And now, the man who owns Hollywood (literally): Steven Fucking Spielberg.
The nominees for Best Picture: The King’s Speech, 127 Hours, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Inception, Black Swan, The Kids Are All Right, The Fighter, Winter’s Bone, The Social Network.
Prediction: The King’s Speech
Winner: The King’s Speech
So, so predictable.
Ah, yes. Yet another year of rich white people presenting other rich white people with shiny awards. Thoughts? Grievances? Leave a comment on Fixed Air.
Fixed Air 
Dear God. No more Celine!!!
Nicely done. RDJ, JB and that music teacher are my players to be named at a later time. 😉
You could definitely see your enthusiasm in the work you write. The arena hopes for more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to mention how they believe. At all times go after your heart.