Things I Almost Tattooed On My Body (Thankfully I Did Not)

Ah, youth. The sweet sting of broken hearts and the beginnings of alcoholism. Living it up while you’re young (see, YOLO) is a major part of American society, as is making the commitment to allow another human being stab permanent markings into your skin with a sharp needle. Tattoos are fun and by god, they will help you show off your awesome personality and the things you loved, even for a moment in the turning gears of time.

There are several tattoos I’ve considered in my short lifetime, and all of them were really stupid ideas. Here, a list of the things I almost allowed a stranger to stab onto my body in permanent ink:

1. Drama Masks

Uh-oh. This girl was not so lucky.

When I was in high school I was extremely involved in theater.  While I still love theater, my former favorite activity has taken a backseat to my goal of writing for film and television.  It’s a good thing I did not get this tattooed on my body not only for my personal interests changing, but also this is the kind of tattoo that can really frighten someone when they see you naked for the first time. I mean, what is up with the sad face? It looks like a Dali painting gone wrong.

2. Flower near my crotch

I used to think it would be kickass to have a tattoo of a flower right above, well, my flower. This was a dumb idea and it also did not come to fruition.

3. Lady Gaga lyrics

I went through a pretty serious though brief Lady Gaga obsession a couple of years ago.  It was around the time that Gaga released the song “Bad Romance” off of The Fame Monster. The lyrics in question? “I’m a freak bitch, baby”.  Why did I think this was so awesome? I though it would look pretty cool placed on my left hip wrapping around the area where my underwear would hit.  That way guys would see it and feel super lucky to be with a “freak bitch”. Seriously.  This was a rough time in my life and I would prefer if you withheld all judgment.

4. A Colorado flag

What does this even mean? When did the great flag of Colorado take a beating?

I grew up in colorado and although it is an amazing place full of natural beauty and old friends, I really hate it here now. I do not want anything associated with this place on my body. Thanks but no thanks. I doubt the flag of the Centennial State would have held its shape if I lived for a century.

5. “Shhh…” on my index finger

OMG Rihanna, we get it.

Sometime in 2008 or so a few celebrity ladies started getting “Shhh…” tattooed on their index fingers.  Rihanna was one of them. Lily Allen was another one. It was stupid and I have no idea why I thought this would have been a good idea.  Young people are silly.

6. John Mayer tribute tattoo.

John. John!!! Why are you so weird and have to say weird dumb things in magazines that make people hate you? why can’t we go back to those wonderful and simple times where I cried myself to sleep listening to “Room for Squares” and dreamt of marrying Leonardo DiCaprio (the Gangs of New York version, specifically)? I really wanted to tattoo one of your album logos on myself. Let’s go back to being a musical genius. Yes?

And that was a brief overview of the things I almost tattooed on my body. Let’s take a moment of silence to reflect on those who were not so lucky and chose to memorialize their love for things like Limp Bizkit and tootsie rolls in the form of tattoos. Those people deserve our sympathy.

Tags: Bad Tattoos, John Mayer, Lady Gaga, Regret, Rihanna, Tattoos