Tag Archives: Tinder

Messages Like These Are Why I Deleted My Tinder Account

8 Jan

Tinder scares me.  I deleted my account a few months ago, but I never experienced any benefit from this alleged dating app.  Dating? SMH.  Tinder is nothing more than a digital glory hole for the worst of the worst people.  Are you looking for a horrible person to date?  Get on Tinder.  Are you looking for a night of semi-anonymous erotic embarrassment in a large metropolitan area to which you will never return?  Please, use Tinder.  Enjoy yourself.  Tinder is only one notch above Craigslist, and the only way of knowing you had a successful Craigslist transaction is not getting decapitated.

The texts that follow almost speak for themselves.  I changed this person’s phone number to the moniker “Red Flag” in order to be fair.  Is this normal?  Is this what men are supposed to be like?

Red Flag Text #1

He wants to know how tall I am.  I guess that’s normal enough.  But wait, uh-oh.  He wants recent pictures that are “fully transparent,” which makes no sense.  I indulge him further with an innocent inquiry:

Red Flag Text #2

Yes, he has met women who are older or more overweight than he thought initially.  It’s official.  This individual is shallow. Immediately offended, I tell him I am not old or obese.  Then he tells me that “visibility and transparency” are what he provides.  Bitch, I don’t want to know anything much about you.  Don’t flatter yourself.

Red Flag Text #3

“That sounds so businesslike” may be interpreted as “You sound like Patrick Bateman.”  I did not say “You sound like Patrick Bateman” because this man did not strike me as being a reader.

“And that sounds evasive” is obviously the sign of a potential killer laying in wait.  I stop texting him completely.  The unprovoked texts begin.  He tells me that “most people just answer with “sure””.  Once again, I am not most people and I already decided that I don’t like you. BYE.

Red Flag Text #4

He thinks that because I am a writer, I should have so many things to say.  Little does he know, he is writing a story for me by continuing to text me.  “Why are you scared?” he asks, completely randomly and unprovoked.  Because you are clearly insane.

And finally, the cherry on top:

Red Flag #5

A selfie sent exactly one month after the “Why are you scared?” text.  This is why I am scared.

Goodbye Tinder!!! Auf wiedersehen!!! Ciao!!! Au revoir!!!

 

 

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Dating in 2014 is the Worst Ever

20 Sep

As if! Clueless

Dating is not what it used to be.  The current state of our digital-centric world is causing the possibility of meeting someone dwindling to a near-impossibility.  Here are some of the problems I’ve noticed with dating that have begun to kick in during the last year or so:

1.  Your Plans Are Dead, Don’t Bother

Want to make plans with someone?  Do you want to invite that cute guy in the glasses to an art show or dinner?  Forget it, because the days of making and keeping plans are long gone.  In a time where everyone gets invited to events via Facebook or other social media outlets, making a date (and then keeping it) is nearly impossible.  Hey ladies, get ready to make a date – with your cat!  Am I right?

2. They Got That Text Message

Yes, that person is ignoring you right now.  Yes, it’s awful.  They’re probably awful too.  Stop thinking about that person.  Texting has made the act of ignoring someone all too easy.  We also now have the added misery of the “read receipt” which shows that someone has read your text.  If you have an iPhone, you can see when someone is typing a response to you, and it’s causing many of us to have bouts of extreme anxiety.  No one picks up a GD phone anymore and makes an actual phone call.  Voices? We don’t need those anymore.  We might as well cut out our voiceboxes and throw them into the abyss along with your dead dating life.

3. Commitment? Blah.

No one wants to commit to anything anymore.  People cannot commit to simple meetings and they certainly cannot commit to being there for someone emotionally, mentally, or in any other way.  Things people can commit to: Twitter, Instagram, swiping right on Tinder, not making eye contact with strangers, bad manners, and weekly poker games.

4. Nothing Matters But A Narcissist

Studies have shown that narcissism is appearing in high rates in the millenial generation.  Naturally, the booming popularity of the “selfie” and the increased focus that millenials place on themselves in nearly every aspect of their lives will lead to disappointment in the dating arena.  Please take this example of a guy who posted a screenshot of his bank account balance on Tinder to attract women.  Please note that it is a business account, which means that the money is possibly not even all his, but most importantly, please note his shallow existence and the belief that money will give him a personality.  Please refer to Cher Horowitz’s reaction above.

5. People Lie About Everything to Impress You

Did you know that people lie about nearly everything and their motives are not always nice?  It’s true – men will say anything to get some pussy, and I am sure there are women who lie in the same ways.  I am talking about people lying about their age, their occupation or income, or what they want from a relationship.  How can you distinguish a liar from a truth-teller?  Only time will show whether someone is honest.  Unfortunately, my years of going to psychics have proven nothing about the ability of someone to see the future.  I am no longer seeing psychics.

Good luck out there!!

Why Tinder is the Bane of Our Society and Needs to Die

6 May

tinder-logo

Tinder is an alleged “dating” app that allows people to troll for D and P in their local area.  By “D” and “P,” surely you will know what I mean unless you are completely innocent or some type of Mormon or an Amish person who accidentally stumbled onto this blog.  (Although for the Amish that would be quite a feat. Welcome.)

Anywho, I had a very lame experience with Tinder quite recently.  To make a long story short, I have been seeing the same guy for a a pretty long period of time now, and I like him very much.  However, due to reasons beyond my control, we are not consciously exclusive in our relationship at this time. (Please spare telling me what I already know.)  As I sat on the barstool in this bar, the girl next to me started a conversation about men.  I said that I had been seeing someone.  She asked what he looked like. I obliged.  The words that next fell from her mouth left me in a stupor: “He sent me a message on Tinder.”

WTF.  This is what raced through my mind as I sat there like an idiot, looking at this guy’s face.  I am an idiot. 

Okay, so do not panic.  Do not panic.  You’re panicking.  I thought about what I should do.  Should I confront him? Should I say anything at all? First I took a shot of tequila and pretended that everything was okay.  Everything is not okay!  Think about this.

I managed to not say anything for almost 24 hours.  I consider myself to be the David Blaine of relationship self-control after achieving that feat.  We discussed and resolved the issue.  I realized that I cannot be too critical unless we are in an exclusive relationship, and really, I should be striking out on Tinder myself.

I simply downloaded Tinder to see what the fuss was about, and quite honestly, Tinder is trash.  You can spot a weirdo on there almost right away, and like almost any other online dating resource, Tinder seems to be delegated to the ultra-awkward and ultra-douchebaggy anyway.  One guy spent way too much of his energy talking about my lips.  It was really gross and showed me why he’s probably on Tinder to troll women.  Tinder is not for people who like meeting in natural settings.  Tinder is for wannabe sluts, plain and simple.

But really, what are the odds of my little encounter?  Tinder is basically pitting every single person in vast metropolitan areas against one another in a never-ending attempt to get laid.  There are over 16 million people in LA, and I ended up in one specific bar (which I frequent), sitting next to one girl (who I had never met before) and learning that this girl was hit on by a guy I was seeing.  To conclude: 1 city, 16 million people, 1 bar, 2 barstools, 2 women, 1 dick.  That is the reality of what Tinder is doing to this world.  It eliminates options before there is even the chance to meet someone in person.  Tinder is gross.

If Tinder continues to grow at the same rate, and if people continue to use the app to hook up or do whatever it is they use it for, there will be no one left. Everyone will be eliminated from dating and sex pool eligibility via Tinder.  Tinder is a Darwinist dating app.

Tinder, in its purest form, is the worst thing in American society at this time.  It is impersonal, disingenuous, and fleeting in a time at which personal connection is already dissolving.  I prefer to meet people organically and as my life unfolds.  Tinder is another way of forcing connection, and connection, as rare as it is today, is something that should come naturally.  Please, do your part, and ban Tinder.

This has been a public service announcement by Fixed Air.