Tag Archives: Online Dating

Messages Like These Are Why I Deleted My Tinder Account

8 Jan

Tinder scares me.  I deleted my account a few months ago, but I never experienced any benefit from this alleged dating app.  Dating? SMH.  Tinder is nothing more than a digital glory hole for the worst of the worst people.  Are you looking for a horrible person to date?  Get on Tinder.  Are you looking for a night of semi-anonymous erotic embarrassment in a large metropolitan area to which you will never return?  Please, use Tinder.  Enjoy yourself.  Tinder is only one notch above Craigslist, and the only way of knowing you had a successful Craigslist transaction is not getting decapitated.

The texts that follow almost speak for themselves.  I changed this person’s phone number to the moniker “Red Flag” in order to be fair.  Is this normal?  Is this what men are supposed to be like?

Red Flag Text #1

He wants to know how tall I am.  I guess that’s normal enough.  But wait, uh-oh.  He wants recent pictures that are “fully transparent,” which makes no sense.  I indulge him further with an innocent inquiry:

Red Flag Text #2

Yes, he has met women who are older or more overweight than he thought initially.  It’s official.  This individual is shallow. Immediately offended, I tell him I am not old or obese.  Then he tells me that “visibility and transparency” are what he provides.  Bitch, I don’t want to know anything much about you.  Don’t flatter yourself.

Red Flag Text #3

“That sounds so businesslike” may be interpreted as “You sound like Patrick Bateman.”  I did not say “You sound like Patrick Bateman” because this man did not strike me as being a reader.

“And that sounds evasive” is obviously the sign of a potential killer laying in wait.  I stop texting him completely.  The unprovoked texts begin.  He tells me that “most people just answer with “sure””.  Once again, I am not most people and I already decided that I don’t like you. BYE.

Red Flag Text #4

He thinks that because I am a writer, I should have so many things to say.  Little does he know, he is writing a story for me by continuing to text me.  “Why are you scared?” he asks, completely randomly and unprovoked.  Because you are clearly insane.

And finally, the cherry on top:

Red Flag #5

A selfie sent exactly one month after the “Why are you scared?” text.  This is why I am scared.

Goodbye Tinder!!! Auf wiedersehen!!! Ciao!!! Au revoir!!!



Why Tinder is the Bane of Our Society and Needs to Die

6 May


Tinder is an alleged “dating” app that allows people to troll for D and P in their local area.  By “D” and “P,” surely you will know what I mean unless you are completely innocent or some type of Mormon or an Amish person who accidentally stumbled onto this blog.  (Although for the Amish that would be quite a feat. Welcome.)

Anywho, I had a very lame experience with Tinder quite recently.  To make a long story short, I have been seeing the same guy for a a pretty long period of time now, and I like him very much.  However, due to reasons beyond my control, we are not consciously exclusive in our relationship at this time. (Please spare telling me what I already know.)  As I sat on the barstool in this bar, the girl next to me started a conversation about men.  I said that I had been seeing someone.  She asked what he looked like. I obliged.  The words that next fell from her mouth left me in a stupor: “He sent me a message on Tinder.”

WTF.  This is what raced through my mind as I sat there like an idiot, looking at this guy’s face.  I am an idiot. 

Okay, so do not panic.  Do not panic.  You’re panicking.  I thought about what I should do.  Should I confront him? Should I say anything at all? First I took a shot of tequila and pretended that everything was okay.  Everything is not okay!  Think about this.

I managed to not say anything for almost 24 hours.  I consider myself to be the David Blaine of relationship self-control after achieving that feat.  We discussed and resolved the issue.  I realized that I cannot be too critical unless we are in an exclusive relationship, and really, I should be striking out on Tinder myself.

I simply downloaded Tinder to see what the fuss was about, and quite honestly, Tinder is trash.  You can spot a weirdo on there almost right away, and like almost any other online dating resource, Tinder seems to be delegated to the ultra-awkward and ultra-douchebaggy anyway.  One guy spent way too much of his energy talking about my lips.  It was really gross and showed me why he’s probably on Tinder to troll women.  Tinder is not for people who like meeting in natural settings.  Tinder is for wannabe sluts, plain and simple.

But really, what are the odds of my little encounter?  Tinder is basically pitting every single person in vast metropolitan areas against one another in a never-ending attempt to get laid.  There are over 16 million people in LA, and I ended up in one specific bar (which I frequent), sitting next to one girl (who I had never met before) and learning that this girl was hit on by a guy I was seeing.  To conclude: 1 city, 16 million people, 1 bar, 2 barstools, 2 women, 1 dick.  That is the reality of what Tinder is doing to this world.  It eliminates options before there is even the chance to meet someone in person.  Tinder is gross.

If Tinder continues to grow at the same rate, and if people continue to use the app to hook up or do whatever it is they use it for, there will be no one left. Everyone will be eliminated from dating and sex pool eligibility via Tinder.  Tinder is a Darwinist dating app.

Tinder, in its purest form, is the worst thing in American society at this time.  It is impersonal, disingenuous, and fleeting in a time at which personal connection is already dissolving.  I prefer to meet people organically and as my life unfolds.  Tinder is another way of forcing connection, and connection, as rare as it is today, is something that should come naturally.  Please, do your part, and ban Tinder.

This has been a public service announcement by Fixed Air.

Online Dating: Who Gives A Shit?

7 May

Match.com - the bane of my existence.

The mother of one of my very best friends recently encouraged me to create my profile on both Match.com and Plenty of Fish, two very popular online dating sites. I’m not going to lie: I hate them both and I think even having a profile on either is completely disingenuous of me. I hate the idea of forcefully looking for someone with whom to start a relationship. I truly believe that all of the best people will appear randomly, in moments you will never come to expect.

I do suppose that I should date more to get a better idea of what I’d like down the road, though what exactly is an acceptable amount of dating for a woman my age? I feel as though this varies with the person and their life situation. Some women date constantly, while others only have two or three boyfriends in their entire life and then just get married or end up with a long-term partner. This latter situation mirrors some of my idols – both Tina Fey and Mindy Kaling, two leading female writers, have both spoken openly about their lack of romantic experience. Perhaps I will be one of them – somewhat mournful over my lack of romantic entanglement yet ecstatic that I will be bathing in money in the future.

Back to the issue at hand. I receive lots of attention on both sites, though it’s never really from people I would care to speak to, never mind “date”. There are lots of men who post shirtless pictures of themselves (in spite of not looking too amazing), others who send messages that say things like, “What are you up for?”, somehow thinking that I may be some sort of prostitute, others who post photographs taken sometime in the mid-90s when they were still hot, and still others who hide that they are unemployed and undereducated by claiming that their occupation is “being awesome”.

On Plenty of Fish, I receive about ten messages every day. How many of those do I actually answer? I’d say maybe one or two per week. Why is this? I suppose that I am much too picky, or perhaps I have these things people refer to as “standards”. One of my standards is proper grammar and spelling, which is something that the majority of men near my age seem to neglect entirely. My profile states that I was an English major, yet I still receive inquires in the vein of, “wuts good wit u?” I am beginning to think that there is little to no hope for women with class and college degrees.

Online dating is part of the streamlined online culture that envelopes every aspect of one’s life. We browse the internet for men just as we browse for shoes and news stories. The impersonal nature of online dating is absolutely frightening. I highly doubt that I will find the love of my life lurking on Match.com.

In spite of these recurrent setbacks, a very funny thing happened to me on Plenty of Fish. In spite of my thinking that I needed to look for someone new, someone I would give my heart to (and I already know personally) turned out to be my top compatibility match within a 50 mile radius. Well-played, computer. Well-played. I have not yet decided whether this is a joke or a sign of something greater, but in the meantime, I ask of online dating: who gives a shit?