Everyone is a Self-Absorbed Asshat

8 Aug

In the wake of the death of my best friend, I’ve learned a very valuable lesson about people.  Every person, it seems, is a self-absorbed asshat.  What is wrong with people these days? Why won’t they talk to each other anymore instead of staring at their phones and/or pretending that they are super important and “OMG it’s my birthday next week” and blah blah blah.

This is not a good time for me. In fact, I may venture to say that this is the worst time of my life. The person I loved the most in the entire world, the person to whom I told all of my secrets, hopes, and dreams, is dead.  There is no nice way of saying it.  Dave died.  Sometimes when I think about it, the entire world feels as though it is going to fall away from under my feet.  At other times, I shrug, and simply forget for a few moments.  Nothing will change what happened, but I feel that the most pressing thing to result from Dave’s death is my realization that everyone else in the world is completely selfish.

Never in my life have I screamed for help so loudly, yet no one hears me.  I am literally standing on a precipice of life or death. The first thing I thought about this morning was how nice it would be to be with Dave again.  Then I became intensely sad while reading about people’s apparently happy lives on Facebook.  People are going on trips and “loving life” and looking forward to their birthdays.  But what about the trips I had planned with Dave? What about his 36th birthday, a day that will never come? It’s no matter, because no one will read this.  And if they do, no one who thinks they will want to do anything will actually do anything.  They’ll just go back to reading their Kindles and pretending to text someone who isn’t there.

What are my dreams? A best friend who will listen to me when things are this horrible.  Someone like Dave, who was always there for me when I needed him. Everything is so hopeless now. Everything is so empty. Nothing has meaning anymore.  I feel so empty inside.

I am unsure of whether I’ll survive this test of my strength. I’ve been weakened to the point of exhaustion.  Nothing seems worth anything, no one seems worthy.  It is hard to be this lonely, this hopeless.

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One Response to “Everyone is a Self-Absorbed Asshat”

  1. shoutabyss August 8, 2013 at 1:06 PM #

    I’m sorry about the loss of your friend. Even though I hear your scream for help, I am one of the unworthy people you describe so there’s not much I do. I can’t help it because I’m human. But I do care about you and would help if I could. I had similar feelings when I lost my dad. He was the one person on the planet I could literally share any thought with, no matter what. I may never have that again. Something similar, perhaps, but it’ll never be the same. Coping with things like that, I think, is the key to figuring out life. I sincerely wish you well.

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