John Mayer’s Battle Studies: A Reason to End A Committed Relationship

John Mayer is partly to blame for the end of a nearly two-and-a-half year relationship. Yes, I am speaking of my relationship with a man I will refer to as Bobert* from this point on.  I thought Bobert was a great man – I likely would have said yes if he had proposed marriage and we had discussed names for our children. Little did I know that Bobert was secretly unhappy and waiting for any little excuse to pull the plug on our relationship. That reason turned out to be directly related to John Mayer. I have been a serious John mayer fan for quite a while (nearly 9 years), and Bobert was well aware of this – we even attended a John Mayer show together in the summer of 2008, and only two weeks before our breakup, Bobert went Dutch with me on a set of third row tickets for a March Mayer show.

On a cold December evening, I called my Bobert for help with completing an email for a John Mayer contest. The prize: two tickets to a secret John Mayer/VH1 show to celebrate the release of his latest album, Battle Studies, at an undisclosed location in Brooklyn.  Just hours before this fateful phone call, Bobert had declared that he missed me, was excited to see me, etc. (This was a long distance relationship.) Yet it all came to a halt due to John Mayer. You see, Bobert got annoyed with me. So annoyed, in fact, that when he asked what exactly I needed help with (I wanted to know how to put a photo in an email), he said, “You’re wasting my time.” This did not sit well with me; in fact, I responded with a hearty “Fuck you!” and hung up the phone. The next day is when everything went to hell. I’ll leave out the gory details, but I will let you know that dear Bobert threatened to cancel my phone number and rescinded a promise to help me move 2,000 miles across the country only 15 days before it was set to happen. Yes, Bobert is a bad man.

Ironically, the last remnants of that relationship are two third row tickets to John Mayer’s Winter Tour at the Pepsi Center in March. I have not yet decided whether I will sell those tickets, but keeping them will be very bittersweet. A great thanks to John Mayer for revealing the true colors of Bobert. They are dark colors indeed. Goodbye, Bobert. Hello, southern California and the possibility of non-committal sex with John Mayer.

*Name has been changed to arbitrarily protect a moron.

Tags: Bobert, Breakup, John Mayer