Going Clear and the Obvious Narcissism of L. Ron Hubbard

4 Apr

Tom Cruise Scientology Cover Photo

I just finished the new HBO documentary Going Clear, and all I can say is: my, oh my.  This terrifying documentary exposes more about Scientology than I ever knew.  What is most clear to me is that Scientology, as a whole, is a product of narcissistic abuse.  If I were to hypothesize anything about its founder, L. Ron Hubbard, it’s that he most likely qualified as someone suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder of the cerebral variety.  Hubbard, who started as a pulp fiction writer, eventually wrote Dianetics, which would become the basis of Scientology and an exploration of what Hubbard called “the modern science of mental health”.  This man made the presumption that his book could overturn centuries of development in the arena of mental health.  When that did not happen, he invented his own religion.

In the last year or so I have been in deep research mode of Narcissistic personality disorder.  The reason for this is because I was in a romantic relationship with someone who I very much believe to be a narcissist.  Within the first few minutes of this documentary, we hear excerpts of letters written about L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology by his second wife, Sara Northrup.  Sara asserted that she only married Hubbard because he had threatened suicide.  This is a very common manipulation tactic for narcissists to use in order to get their way.  She also detailed an account about how Hubbard awoke her from her sleep because she had been smiling, setting him off into a rage because he took it to mean she was thinking about another man.  After they had a daughter, Hubbard took the little girl with him and called Sara to tell her that he had chopped their daughter into tiny pieces and thrown her into a river.  It doesn’t get much more abusive than that.

Going Clear also touches on how the church’s two most famous members – John Travolta and Tom Cruise, became so involved with Scientology.  John Travolta was extremely young when he became involved, and he linked his success in acting with his involvement in Scientology.  The use of “auditing” also becomes very important in the case of Travolta, as it appears that the Church of Scientology threatens members with the release of their deepest secrets collected in such sessions.  Obviously the Church of Scientology has something pretty big on Travolta that keeps him there.

Scientology’s biggest star and supporter is Tom Cruise.  Cruise’s marriage to Nicole Kidman is a major focal point of his story in Scientology.  The documentary mentions that Nicole Kidman’s father was a prominent psychologist in Australia, which David Miscavige, the head of the Church of Scientology, viewed as a threat.  Any psychologist or mental health professional, or any person associated with a mental health professional is deemed to be a “suppressive person” by Scientology.  Scientologists therefore aim to “disconnect” from these suppressive people, of course at almost any cost. Nicole, therefore, was deemed a suppressive person, and her divorce from Cruise was apparently orchestrated by the Church of Scientology.  I have heard further rumors that Cruise’s marriage to Katie Holmes was staged and under contract, but the documentary goes no further than discussing an arranged relationship between Cruise and an actress named Nazanin Boniadi.  There were also rumors that one of the reasons why Holmes divorced Cruise was her fear of their daughter Suri becoming involved in Scientology.  Going Clear also notes that Cruise was not really involved in Scientology during his marriage to Kidman, but in recent years, he has been the absolute most treasured asset of the Church.  Cruise is one of the biggest movie stars of all time, if not the biggest, and Scientology depends on him in many ways.

Going Clear is a truly terrifying look at how Scientology is essentially the result of an egomaniac’s own desire to control others.  This documentary is one of the first looks at some of the extreme abuses allegedly committed by David Miscavige and the Church of Scientology.  Perhaps what is most revealing about the Church of Scientology is its financial value (over one billion dollars) and its real estate investment prowess.  I have driven by the Church of Scientology on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles, and it is a menacing sight.  A few people I know have gone inside to take the prerequisite personality tests “as a joke”.  After watching Going Clear, I can say with certainty that there is nothing funny about Scientology and its abuses of its members.

Watch Me Perform Stand Up at the Westside Comedy Theater

28 Feb

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAU8AoxZhgY

87th Annual Academy Award Predictions

22 Feb

Like sands through the hourglass, another year has passed and it’s time for Hollywood to bestow upon one another the most important awards in the world.  Make no mistake – the Academy Award, known colloquially as the “Oscar” is more important that any award ever given from one man to another.  More important that the Pulitzer Prize for Literature, or the Nobel Peace Prize, the Oscar remains the most coveted little gold man on earth.

Tonight we reflect on those who will win Oscars tonight, and those who should win Oscars (but will not because the world is unfair).

We will look at the most critical categories: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Director, Best Adapted Screenplay, and Best Original Screenplay.  As for the other awards, meh.

Best Picture:

American Sniper
Clint Eastwood, Robert Lorenz, Andrew Lazar, Bradley Cooper and Peter Morgan

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Alejandro G. Iñárritu, John Lesher and James W. Skotchdopole

Boyhood
Richard Linklater and Cathleen Sutherland

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Wes Anderson, Scott Rudin, Steven Rales and Jeremy Dawson

The Imitation Game
Nora Grossman, Ido Ostrowsky and Teddy Schwarzman

Selma
Christian Colson, Oprah Winfrey, Dede Gardner and Jeremy Kleiner

The Theory of Everything
Tim Bevan, Eric Fellner, Lisa Bruce and Anthony McCarten

Whiplash
Jason Blum, Helen Estabrook and David Lancaster

WILL WIN:  BIRDMAN

SHOULD WIN: BIRDMAN

I have seen all of the best picture candidates save for The Theory of Everything and Selma.  I just re-watched Birdman last night, and the film is much more nuanced and complicated than any of the other nominees.  Although I thoroughly enjoyed American Sniper, The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Imitation Game, and Whiplash, none of those films feel like the Best Picture of the year.  I also must say that I am in the minority of people who loathed Boyhood.

ACTOR – in a Leading Role

Steve Carell
Foxcatcher

Bradley Cooper
American Sniper

Benedict Cumberbatch
The Imitation Game

Michael Keaton
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Eddie Redmayne
The Theory of Everything

WILL WIN: MICHAEL KEATON

SHOULD WIN: MICHAEL KEATON

Michael Keaton Birdman

Michael Keaton’s performance in Birdman is amazing and multilayered.  Keaton has a history of great performances, including my personal favorites – Beetlejuice and Multiplicity.  It’s his time after putting in those dues!

ACTRESS – in a Leading Role

Marion Cotillard
Two Days, One Night

Felicity Jones
The Theory of Everything

Julianne Moore
Still Alice

Rosamund Pike
Gone Girl

Reese Witherspoon
Wild

WILL WIN: JULIANNE MOORE

SHOULD WIN: JULIANNE MOORE

Julianne Moore - Still Alice

Another actor who deserves the Oscar for her body of work is Julianne Moore.  Her performance in Still Alice is heartbreaking, honest, and necessary.  Julianne Moore is a treasure we are lucky to have.

ACTOR – in a Supporting Role

Robert Duvall
The Judge

Ethan Hawke
Boyhood

Edward Norton
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Mark Ruffalo
Foxcatcher

J.K. Simmons
Whiplash

WILL WIN: J.K. SIMMONS

SHOULD WIN: J.K. SIMMONS

J.K. Simmons was terrifying in Whiplash.  Simmons’ turn as a music teacher at a Julliard-level music school shows the terrifying stakes faced by his students on a daily basis.  Simmons’ abusive treatment of Miles Teller’s character is not meant to be taken lightly; this is a character whose rage will live on in film for decades to come.

WHIPLASH_03.jpg

ACTRESS – in a Supporting Role

Patricia Arquette
Boyhood

Laura Dern
Wild

Keira Knightley
The Imitation Game

Emma Stone
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)

Meryl Streep
Into the Woods

WILL WIN: PATRICIA ARQUETTE

SHOULD WIN: PATRICIA ARQUETTE

Patricia Arquette Boyhood

Although I was not partial to Boyhood, I can easily say that Patricia Arquette will win this award.  She deserves the Oscar not only for her body of work, but also for the effort of filming the same film for a period of twelve years.  Ms. Arquette also delivered the most critical line of the film: “I was just expecting more”.

DIRECTING

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Alejandro G. Iñárritu

Boyhood
Richard Linklater

Foxcatcher
Bennett Miller

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Wes Anderson

The Imitation Game
Morten Tyldum

WILL WIN: RICHARD LINKLATER

SHOULD WIN: ALEJANDRO G. INARRITU

I believe that Linklater will win for Boyhood due to the achievement of the film being shot over the course of twelve years.  I think Inarritu should win for the amazing performances he culled from his actors in Birdman, not to mention the multilayered aspects of the film.

WRITING – Adapted Screenplay

American Sniper
Written by Jason Hall

The Imitation Game
Written by Graham Moore

Inherent Vice
Written for the screen by Paul Thomas Anderson

The Theory of Everything
Screenplay by Anthony McCarten

Whiplash
Written by Damien Chazelle

 WILL WIN: PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON FOR INHERENT VICE

SHOULD WIN: PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON FOR INHERENT VICE

P.T. Anderson is a god who walks among men.  There is no one like him working in film today, nor will there ever be again.  All hail P.T. Anderson.

 

WRITING – Original Screenplay

Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Written by Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. & Armando Bo

Boyhood
Written by Richard Linklater

Foxcatcher
Written by E. Max Frye and Dan Futterman

The Grand Budapest Hotel
Screenplay by Wes Anderson; Story by Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness

Nightcrawler
Written by Dan Gilroy

WILL WIN: WES ANDERSON FOR THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

SHOULD WIN: ALEJANDRO INARITTU, ET AL for BIRDMAN

I think that Wes Anderson will win for best original screenplay because he doe snot have a chance at winning for Best Picture or Directing.  If I had to choose a screenplay based purely on craft, I would choose Birdman.

Messages Like These Are Why I Deleted My Tinder Account

8 Jan

Tinder scares me.  I deleted my account a few months ago, but I never experienced any benefit from this alleged dating app.  Dating? SMH.  Tinder is nothing more than a digital glory hole for the worst of the worst people.  Are you looking for a horrible person to date?  Get on Tinder.  Are you looking for a night of semi-anonymous erotic embarrassment in a large metropolitan area to which you will never return?  Please, use Tinder.  Enjoy yourself.  Tinder is only one notch above Craigslist, and the only way of knowing you had a successful Craigslist transaction is not getting decapitated.

The texts that follow almost speak for themselves.  I changed this person’s phone number to the moniker “Red Flag” in order to be fair.  Is this normal?  Is this what men are supposed to be like?

Red Flag Text #1

He wants to know how tall I am.  I guess that’s normal enough.  But wait, uh-oh.  He wants recent pictures that are “fully transparent,” which makes no sense.  I indulge him further with an innocent inquiry:

Red Flag Text #2

Yes, he has met women who are older or more overweight than he thought initially.  It’s official.  This individual is shallow. Immediately offended, I tell him I am not old or obese.  Then he tells me that “visibility and transparency” are what he provides.  Bitch, I don’t want to know anything much about you.  Don’t flatter yourself.

Red Flag Text #3

“That sounds so businesslike” may be interpreted as “You sound like Patrick Bateman.”  I did not say “You sound like Patrick Bateman” because this man did not strike me as being a reader.

“And that sounds evasive” is obviously the sign of a potential killer laying in wait.  I stop texting him completely.  The unprovoked texts begin.  He tells me that “most people just answer with “sure””.  Once again, I am not most people and I already decided that I don’t like you. BYE.

Red Flag Text #4

He thinks that because I am a writer, I should have so many things to say.  Little does he know, he is writing a story for me by continuing to text me.  “Why are you scared?” he asks, completely randomly and unprovoked.  Because you are clearly insane.

And finally, the cherry on top:

Red Flag #5

A selfie sent exactly one month after the “Why are you scared?” text.  This is why I am scared.

Goodbye Tinder!!! Auf wiedersehen!!! Ciao!!! Au revoir!!!

 

 

Things I Am Thankful for This Holiday Season

21 Dec

We are at the end of another year as the inevitable passage of the invented construct of time barrels on. At times,  it can be very difficult to set aside one’s ruminations and neuroticism and simply acknowledge all of the things that we can be thankful for.  This holiday season, here are the things that I am thankful for:

1. Comedy

This year I finally decided to try stand up and I have been going onstage several times per week since January.  Stand up is an art form that I appreciate for its bravery and honesty.  Plus, I am willing to talk about almost anything onstage, including my relationship (which is not the best) and my family background (also not the best).  In 2015, my goals include performing at more venues and entering submissions for comedy festivals.

2. Film

Chef Poster

This year brought us some interesting films, although I would not say this was a landmark year for movies.  Some of the films that were highlights in 2014 were Chef, The Skeleton Twins, Fury, Interstellar, Whiplash, and what I would say was the best movie of the summer, the little-seen Tom Cruise action movie Edge of Tomorrow.  

3. Bacon and Egg Bagel Sandwiches

There is little more heavenly on earth than a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich.  Put that on an asiago bagel, and you will be making love to that thing with your mouth. In 2015, I plan on cutting back on these pieces of heaven.

4.  Podcasts

Mental Illness Happy Hour

I recently started listening to podcasts at work and they can be a great way to make yourself feel like you are not totally slaving away for someone else.  Some of my favorites are: The Mental Illness Happy Hour hosted by Paul Gilmartin, which should be required listening for any adult wanting to improve themselves or discuss the battles in their heads; Lady to Lady, hosted by LA comics Tess Barker, Barbara Gray, and Brandie Posey, which features a guest and hilarious discussion about all things lady-related; Serial, the hit Sarah Koenig-hosted podcast discussing the murder of 18-year-old Hae Min Lee in Baltimore in 1999 and the murder conviction of her ex-boyfriend Adnan Syed; Girl on Guy hosted by Aisha Tyler and discussing all things pop culture, comedy, life, and stuff guys dig.  If I had to choose one, it would be The Mental Illness Happy Hour.

5. Employment

We all hate our jobs at some point or another, but being steadily employed for  a long period of time is something that we should be thankful for in this volatile world.  Many people also live in poverty, and those of us who have the fortune of being able to work and support ourselves need to think of this when we complain about silly things like someone getting our coffee order wrong.

Are You a Democrat? This Microwave Will Cost You More Than It’s Worth

4 Nov

 

 

 

Screen shot 2014-11-03 at 1.58.13 AM

 

The person selling this microwave hates Democrats and this microwave will cost you $500 if you are a Democrat.  “IF YOUR STUPID DONT CALL.”

LOLOLOLOLOL.

 

On Depression: It’s Not a Choice

26 Oct

Depression is not a choice.  One of the few people with whom I shared my diagnosis of major depressive disorder told me, “that’s no way to live your life.”  I have no choice in this matter.  As little as I know about my family history, depression runs on both sides, and I am yet another unwitting victim to the cycle of depression and the continued denial of mental illness.  Having depression does not mean that I am always sad and upset.  It does not mean that I am broken.  It does not mean that I am a bad person.  What it means to me is that my world runs over with great possibilities of succumbing to darkness, and that I will recurrently enter that abyss on my own. Depression is a feeling that is difficult to describe.  Perhaps the best way to describe my depression is a feeling of infinite emptiness and an almost tangible hopelessness.   It is also one of the most isolating illnesses.  You are alone in your head.  Your internal thought processes are broken, and you feel as though the cycle will never be broken.  No amount of love or concern from others will fix it.  You walk alone.

I first started feeling sad on a regular basis when I was in middle school.  At least six years of being mercilessly teased in school finally caught up with me.  Simply thinking of some of the names I was called and the things that were done to me sends a shock of pain though my body.   At the age of thirteen, I told my parents that I wanted to kill myself.  They took me to a therapist, who in turn told my mother that I was simply too smart for my own good.  The problem would get worse a few years later.

My second major episode of depression came following the end of a long romantic relationship.  I thought that I would be with him forever, as silly as that now sounds.  I can still hear some of the cruel things he said when it was over.  The last time I saw him, he held a scrapbook of our pictures in his hand: “if I give you this, you’ll never get over me,” he said.   Little did he know, that was not the problem.  The problem was internal rumination, and the inability to brush off cruel words, another symptom of depression.   I did get over him, but it took a long time.  A long time filled with crying fits, a thirty pound weight loss, and a year of being almost continuously drunk.

The third major episode began with the death of my on-again and off again boyfriend and best friend, Dave.  Since his death, my mind has been in a fog.  I have started caring less about other friendships.  I now know what death does to those who are left behind.  It changes a person, from the inside out.  Despite his deep flaws, he was the most emotionally supportive person in my life.  And now I am here without him, more broken than I ever was when he was alive.

When my depression is at its absolute worst, I feel as though I want to die, but then I suddenly think that I do not want to die, and my mind duels with itself in a devilish dance.

I want people to call me to ask to spend time with me, but then I realize that they will not want to spend time with me.  Hardly anyone can stand me due to my depression, my dark mark.  It does not make me fun to be around.  It makes my narcissistic traits bubble to the surface, as there is something inherently narcissistic about being wrapped up in one’s own depression.  How I wish I could make it all go away.

Despite these horrid feelings that ebb and flow within my cortex, I manage to make it every day.  I function – perhaps almost too well – and I go to work, I freelance for extra money, I manage to get onstage to do comedy at least five days a week, I piece together a full-length screenplay that is moving slowly but surely.  I will not give up.  I will not go gentle into that good night.

The stigma against depression remains thick in this world, and especially in the United States.  A bootstrap mentality pervades this land, and no one wants to hear about feelings – those messy, unknown things.  A conversation on mental illness seems so far away at this point and time, and for those of us struggling with the realities of what it is to be human, to face your frailty on a daily basis, the problem persists.

If you know someone who is struggling with depression, please check in on them regularly.  It will mean everything in the world to them.

 

Listen to My Interview on Nick Has A Poolhouse

21 Sep

Hello Fixed Air readers!!

Recently, my good friend and fellow stand up comedian Nick Kaufman had me as a guest on his podcast, Nick Has A Poolhouse.

Nick asks me about how having a bad set can affect my mood, how my parents’ marriage influences my the state of my current romantic relationship, why I get sad sometimes, and one of the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Please take a listen through any of the links below:

http://goo.gl/NtPRT0

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/nick-has-a-poolhouse-a-podcast/id641881902

http://westcastnetwork.com/nick-has-a-poolhouse-2/

Please like Nick Has A Poolhouse on Facebook and subscribe on iTunes!!

Nick Has A Poolhouse Photo

Dating in 2014 is the Worst Ever

20 Sep

As if! Clueless

Dating is not what it used to be.  The current state of our digital-centric world is causing the possibility of meeting someone dwindling to a near-impossibility.  Here are some of the problems I’ve noticed with dating that have begun to kick in during the last year or so:

1.  Your Plans Are Dead, Don’t Bother

Want to make plans with someone?  Do you want to invite that cute guy in the glasses to an art show or dinner?  Forget it, because the days of making and keeping plans are long gone.  In a time where everyone gets invited to events via Facebook or other social media outlets, making a date (and then keeping it) is nearly impossible.  Hey ladies, get ready to make a date – with your cat!  Am I right?

2. They Got That Text Message

Yes, that person is ignoring you right now.  Yes, it’s awful.  They’re probably awful too.  Stop thinking about that person.  Texting has made the act of ignoring someone all too easy.  We also now have the added misery of the “read receipt” which shows that someone has read your text.  If you have an iPhone, you can see when someone is typing a response to you, and it’s causing many of us to have bouts of extreme anxiety.  No one picks up a GD phone anymore and makes an actual phone call.  Voices? We don’t need those anymore.  We might as well cut out our voiceboxes and throw them into the abyss along with your dead dating life.

3. Commitment? Blah.

No one wants to commit to anything anymore.  People cannot commit to simple meetings and they certainly cannot commit to being there for someone emotionally, mentally, or in any other way.  Things people can commit to: Twitter, Instagram, swiping right on Tinder, not making eye contact with strangers, bad manners, and weekly poker games.

4. Nothing Matters But A Narcissist

Studies have shown that narcissism is appearing in high rates in the millenial generation.  Naturally, the booming popularity of the “selfie” and the increased focus that millenials place on themselves in nearly every aspect of their lives will lead to disappointment in the dating arena.  Please take this example of a guy who posted a screenshot of his bank account balance on Tinder to attract women.  Please note that it is a business account, which means that the money is possibly not even all his, but most importantly, please note his shallow existence and the belief that money will give him a personality.  Please refer to Cher Horowitz’s reaction above.

5. People Lie About Everything to Impress You

Did you know that people lie about nearly everything and their motives are not always nice?  It’s true – men will say anything to get some pussy, and I am sure there are women who lie in the same ways.  I am talking about people lying about their age, their occupation or income, or what they want from a relationship.  How can you distinguish a liar from a truth-teller?  Only time will show whether someone is honest.  Unfortunately, my years of going to psychics have proven nothing about the ability of someone to see the future.  I am no longer seeing psychics.

Good luck out there!!

Robin Williams: the Pain of Laughter

22 Aug

I was lucky enough to see Robin Williams live in person on two occasions. The first was sometime in 2009 when I attended a taping of Late Night with Jimmy Fallon at 30 Rock, and the second was early last year at the Macky Auditorium at the University of Colorado at Boulder, for An Evening of Sit-Down with Robin Williams.  Both of these occasions were amazing, and the audiences were treated to the genius mind of Williams, which was frantic, manic, and tinged with a unique ability to move in and out of endless characters and voices.  He was an utter genius, and anyone who was a fan of his comedy and films was well aware of this.  He surely will be missed by millions of people around the world.

When the news that Williams had committed suicide spread, some of the first reactions were of complete disbelief.  Not very many people could believe that a man who brought so much laughter and joy to others could possibly have wanted to take his own life.  However, there have been many well-documented studies that link the personalities of comedians and performers to psychotic personality traits.  Earlier this year, a study performed at Oxford University concluded that “stand-ups of a modern era are likely to have greater levels of extraversion – a form of impulsiveness – yet be more depressive and unsociable at the same time”.   Making people laugh is viewed by many comedians as a form of self-medication.  One thing was clear about Robin – he loved to laugh and to make others laugh.  However, there is often hidden pain within many people, and Robin’s battle with depression is one shared silently by many others, including myself.

The odd thing about depression is how it comes and goes, and the dark surprise by which it takes you when it returns.  When I attempt to discuss my depression with people close to me, I am more than often met with disbelief.  People refuse to believe that “someone like you” has any right to be depressed.  Depression is not a right, nor is it a conscious choice.  Depression is a disease that encompasses not only mental effects, but physical effects as well.  My struggle with depression began early in life, perhaps around the age of thirteen, when years of bullying caught up to me.  For years, I was tormented regularly by children in elementary and junior high school, for a multitude of reasons.  I was the favorite target, most likely because my tormentors knew how easy it was to make me cry.  Years later, second and third waves of depression hit me following a difficult breakup and the death of  my best friend.  I am currently in the process of recovering from the third major depressive episode of my life.  This most recent depressive episode coincided with my starting stand up comedy.

A sensitive heart and soul is often a feature of an artist, and comedians in particular tend to have addictive personalities and tendencies toward mental illness.  As someone pursuing a career in comedy, I can easily say that a depressive personality is common among comedians.  Many fellow comics struggle with anxiety and depression, among other mental afflictions.  This does not mean that comedians are completely dysfunctional, but there is a quality that attracts people to quality that directly corresponds with some sort of need for validation.  I know that for me personally, my experiences with being teased for many years in school is a contributing factor toward my desiring a career in the creative arts.  It is part of a drive to leave a legacy and somehow show those who put me down that I am indeed valuable in some way.

Although none of us will ever know the exact factors that drove Mr. Williams to take his own life, it is important for an conversation regarding mental illness and depression to commence in this country.  Far too many people suffer in silence, unable to discuss their feelings with their own family members.  The stigma of depression is what leads to acts of suicide shocking so many people.  However, to acknowledge the pain and struggle of depression is to become more self-aware as humans and as friends to one another.

You will be missed, Robin Williams.