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Oh, the Humanity: Most Eligible Dallas

7 Sep

The cast of Most Eligible Dallas posing next to a giant star and a cow skull, y'all.

Bravo recently debuted a new series following the lives of several young singles in The Big D. That’s Dallas, for all of you unfamiliar with the pseudo-sexual nicknames for Texas cities. Bravo describes the show as follows:

They’re young, they’re hot, they’re single –- they’re Dallas’ Most Eligible. From beauty queens to pro-football players, this group of Texas socialites proves that everything’s bigger in Texas –- including the drama. Some are looking for true love while others have perfected the art of the one-night stand, and somehow their love lives have all crossed paths at one time or another. Dallas serves as the sexy backdrop for this jaw-dropping series that follows a group of successful friends living it up in the lone star state.

Oh boy! Where to begin!?! The show has a cast of people so wrapped up in themselves and their semi-important social lives that it’s almost too easy to make fun of them. The jokes about this show practically write themselves!

First up is Tara, a rich Texas blonde with a heart of gold. Tara is also a runaway bride, calling off a total of four engagements! Tara spends a lot of her free time rescuing dogs, and in the first episode, we see her bring home a doomed puppy named Sheniqua.  Tara also wants us to know that she lives a few blocks away from former President Bush and informs us of the power the presence of the Secret Service has over her: “when you see the Secret Service going down the street all the time, it makes you feel wither really safe, or like, al-Qaeda could be down the street.”

Another interesting subject is Drew, the show’s token gay male. In the series-opener, Drew tells his sad tale of woe as a former overweight son of a major luxury car-dealing family. Of course he was able to afford gastric bypass surgery, and he lost weight.  He also injects himself with female hormones to keep the weight off. This is interesting for someone who prides himself on being a manly kind of gay man who can talk about “fuel injection” all the livelong day. My favorite quote from Drew is not necessarily amusing but centers on his pronunciation of the word “button”: “When I need something, I press a butt-un. I need a facial? I press a butt-un. I need my car brought up? I press a butt-un.”

Perhaps the only person I sympathize with in any way on this show is Courtney, a fashionista who dreams of finding the right man for her. The only problem is that the right man for her just might be her best guy friend, Matt, another subject followed on the show.  Although Courtney claims that her feelings for Matt are purely platonic, she gets really mad when Matt brings his gaggles of hoes around. So far, the show follows this continuing issue between Courtney and Matt. Personally, they should both get over themselves and fuck already. This advice comes from personal experience.

The subjects followed on the show I did not yet mention are Neill and Glenn, a single 23-year-old mom (who appears older) and an alleged NFL punter who is quite boring and got released from the Raiders last week. Yawn.

Most Eligible Dallas airs Monday nights on Bravo. I’ll be watching!

TLC’s Extreme Couponing: I Don’t Get It

31 May

Desirae shows off her stockpiles.

Last night I caught two episodes of TLC’s Extreme Couponing, a show that follows people who devote countless hours and effort to saving money on groceries with coupons. When TLC calls this show “extreme,” they are not fucking around. I’m talking about women who are able to use enough coupons to pay only $6.50 for almost $700 worth of groceries. If TLC wanted to be even more accurate, this show should be named Crazy People Doing Crazy Things to Save Crazy Amounts of Money.

One episode featured Desirae, a 24-year-old mother and housewife who devotes over 60 hours per week to her couponing practices. The introductory shot of Desirae shows a young, plump woman in glasses and a put-together outfit standing in a dumpster, on the hunt for coupons. That’s right – Desirae makes it a part of her normal routine to dumpster-dive for the pages of coupons that are thrown out with Sunday newspapers. Desirae also maintains several large binders of coupons, organized alphabetically by brand and category.

Like every woman I saw on this show, Desirae keeps a highly organized stockpile of her discounted goods in her basement.  Rows upon rows of packaged food, bottled drinks, and cans of vegetables line Desirae’s cellar. Desirae proudly points to her stockpile of razors. “These razors have a retail value of $4,000,” Desirae beams. Somehow I doubt Desiree will have a need for $4,000 worth of Bic razors in her lifetime. I’ve decided that she’s certifiable.

Later on in the show, after we see how Desirae collects her coupons, we follow Desirae on a shopping trip to her local Albertsons store. After literally shutting down the store’s register with her hundreds of items and hundreds of coupons, the store manager has to make a call to Albertson’s corporate offices to approve the massive purchase. After the manager and a flustered cashier finish the transaction on a tiny calculator, Desirae pays 55 cents for over $1,000 worth of groceries. Very impressive.

Jessica and her stockpiles - ready for a war. Or the rapture.

Desirae, like many of the women featured on Extreme Couponing, appears to get some sort of high from saving money, and, in some ways, cheating the system through the use of coupons. I could not help but wonder if things would be different for women like Desirae if they had actual jobs. One may argue that their job is taking care of their family, and that couponing helps them to do that. I do think that if the 60 hours Desirae spends each week on her coupon habits were spent on work for pay, that perhaps things would be different. Maybe Desiree would not be so worried about money. Also, does it not it seem odd to spend 60 hours on saving money while exerting the energy one would spend at a normal job?

I understand the American mentality of wanting a bargain. However, the ladies of Extreme Couponing take this mentality to, well, the extreme. Another episode featured Jessica, a very pretty housewife (whose husband appeared to be three times her age) who explains to the TV audience how a coupon for $3 off clearance vitamins will make her $1 for every can she buys. The math these ladies perform is astounding. It seems that the habit of “extreme couponing” is almost like a mental illness, or a compulsion to save money. I also think it can be compared to compulsive shopping, though in the end, these women are not collecting shoes and leather purses, but name-brand packages of food. Will shelves of cans and boxes of food become a new status symbol following the misery of the Great Recession? Perhaps not, but Desirae and Jessica will surely be prepared for a slew of natural disasters and/or alien invasions for years to come. Fixed Air salutes you, ladies.

There is a Special Place in Hell Reserved for Maury Povich

3 Oct

Maury, how I worship thee.

There seems to be an endless supply of souls ready to put the most intimate details of their lives on daytime television airwaves. Perhaps the best example of such fodder is Maury, a talk show with a primary focus in paternity testing and exposing lovers as horrible cheaters. I tend to catch Maury at least two or three days a week, and it’s become a part of my lazy day routine. I can’t really explain why I enjoy Maury so much – perhaps it’s the comfort of knowing that I am not one of the women testing ten or more men in a futile search for the father of my toddler, or perhaps it’s the show’s constant revelations of men being cheating assholes who leave evidence of their infidelity for their miffed women to find. Either way, Maury is a fascinating piece of pop cultural awesome that many people, whether they will admit it or not, would very much enjoy.

Maury receives criticism for the way the show presents an endless parade of human suffering for the delight of the unemployed and lazy who are watching at home. I have to hand it to Maury Povich. He’s made a career out of searching for deadbeat fathers and exposing dirty, nasty cheaters. But is he exploiting these sad, desperate people? Many would think so, but he’s become a millionaire doing what he does best. If he has to fake a little sympathy and tell his guests to “do what’s best for that child,” then so be it! However, if there is a hell, or even purgatory, for that matter, Maury Povich could very well be on a VIP list.

Some of the most entertaining paternity cases I have seen recently involved the following items: a woman testing three different men at once (her ex, her ex’s cousin, and the cousin’s other cousin – none of them were the father), a woman testing a sixteenth man (he was the father!), and a show with the theme, “I’m not the father – test the pizza delivery man!!!” Ah, Maury is such a beautiful and constant reminder of why I love America so much.

Maury lets viewers in on the most intimate details of the lives of others and dares to entertain those stuck at home watching daytime television. I am sick of the implication that anyone who watches Maury could not possibly be intelligent or empathetic toward others. I recognize that the “guests” appearing on Maury may not have been dealt the best of hands in life, and it is not up to me to judge the outcomes of their poor decision-making. However, Maury serves both as entertainment and a moral guidebook for the restless throngs at home on their couches. I now leave you with what is perhaps the most salient daytime talk show quote of all time (right behind Steve Wilkos’s “Why are you still sitting on my stage!?!”):

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!

(I have already checked if I could put it on mugs. Those mugs already exist.)

True Blood: We Want to Eat You

15 Aug

Eric getting the 3rd degree.

This week, Eric makes his return to Louisiana and Fangtasia, where he is scorned for his actions and “silvered” as a punishment. Eric is then forced to give a statement on Russell and his intent to “subjugate” all humans to Nan Flanagan, who takes time out of her schedule to make sure the Vampire Rights Amendment passes. Russell rushes to his manse only to find Talbot a gooey, bloody mess of a vampire. Bill and Sookie are back together, of course, and they spend time together by cleaning up dead bodies and such. In the meantime, Tara is still upset over being upset, and Sam has to watch it all unfold. Tara eventually finds herself in a support group for abused women. He also has to keep watching Tommy. Jason prepares to go up against Crystal’s tormentors/fellow meth cookers, and Hoyt and Jessica continue to pine for each other. Arlene makes a decision every woman has to make for herself regarding her pregnancy. And Russell, well, Russell is about to rip America a new one.

Highlights:

  • Eric looking pretty genuinely scared when he was being questioned about the disappearance of the magister (whom Russell killed).
  • Eric’s amazing recounting of werewolves in Constantinople. A man who knows history, rawrrr…
  • Eric: “Fuck the authority! Russell’s words, verbatim.”
  • Sookie finding out that Hadley’s son has the same mind-reading abilities.
  • Eric telling Pam that it is her “turn to be a maker,” while comforting her in his arms. Sigh.
  • Russell is carrying around Talbot’s remains in a glass jar. Gross.
  • Eric is given permission to get vengeance over Russell, but he mentions his fear of Russell being three times his age.
  • Nan Flanagan to Eric: “Listen, you whiny pile of shit.”
  • Sam beats the shit out of Crystal’s creepy dad, and Lafayette and do the right thing and take him to the hospital.
  • OOH! The return of Franklin! Surprise! I knew he wasn’t dead!
  • And then Jason saves Tara with wooden bullets! Clever!
  • Russell’s guest appearance on TBBN. He means war.
  • “We are not your equals. we want to eat you…after we eat your children. Now for the weather…Tiffany!”

Lowlights:

  • Bill and Sookie’s cheesy, trying-too-hard-to-be-sexy shower scene.
  • Tara is still crying with her shivery, shivery lip.
  • Why did Terry have to call Sam over to make the sex noises stop? Can’t Terry do anything? Man up.
  • Sam walking into the sex-noise apartment in question to find Tommy, petite, pale, and naked, getting it on with a girl he probably would never get it on with in real life.
  • Tara goes to a group meeting for women who have been abused. Blah.
  • Hoyt taking Summer to Merlotte’s right in front of Jessica. He’s pretty much an ass.
  • Summer: “Can’t do much antiquing after dark, can we?” Eww, she likes antiquing.

A shitty preview for next week’s episode, “I Smell a Rat”:

True Blood: Hookah, I Need to Know: You Got a Death Wish?

9 Aug

Goodbye, Sookeh

This week’s episode, “Night on the Sun,” centers on Sookie and Bill’s jeopardized relationship. Even though Bill saves Sookie with his blood, he no longer wants to hurt her, and he leaves her hospital room after a teary goodbye. In the meantime, Eric appears to have gone insane while in the confines of Russell’s mansion. He gets down on bended knee and proclaims his loyalty to Russell. Ick. Lafayette comforts Tara in her continuing post-traumatic stress. When will Tara ever have something good happen in her life? Blah. In the saggy-underpants world of the Mickens family, the mother finally gives in and leaves Bon Temps without Tommy. Later on, Lafayette’s crazy mother reappears at his doorstep, screaming about vampires. I guess they have to use Alfre Woodard somehow. In Jason’s simple-minded world, Crystal shows up to his house with a black eye and asks him for some whiskey. And oh yeah, he’s preparing to avenge Bill for harming his sister, but that’s just a minor detail.

Highlights:

  • Eric mentioning how he enjoys “a good head-ripping” as much as the next guy.
  • Terry singing to Arlene’s pregnant tummy (which still doesn’t look pregnant at all) and turning into Rene. Welcome back, you rapey murderer, you.
  • Jessica hugging Bill.
  • Nelsan Ellis has great arms, and those women’s halter tops he wears shows them off. That is all.
  • Aclide and Sookie’s lingering, sexually-tense goodbye. No Alcide, do not go. Take off your pants, first.
  • Bill teaching Jessica how to fight.
  • Bill to Jessica on Sookie: “Jessica, it’s over.” Jessica: “No way.” Bill: “Way.”
  • Jessica telling Bill how she’s in love with Hoyt and how “it sucks.”
  • Eric’s snug, vertically-striped shirt. Wowzers.
  • Talbot: “I’m bored. Take off your clothes .” Eric, looking around: “A little…privacy?”
  • Eric was really getting into kissing Talbot…then he almost got coital with him before he stabbed him to death.

Lowlights:

  • Bill trying to order Jessica to leave. “I can’t protect you! I’m no gooood, to – you!” Over-inflection, much?
  • Tara’s shower masturbation scene. I mean, that’s enough of Franklin.
  • The return of Crystal. What is she, damnit? And more importantly, do we still care?
  • Tommy trying to threaten Hoyt. I don’t get it. Leave poor Hoyt alone.
  • Sookie and Bill’s kissy reunion after fighting off Debbie and Russell.
  • Um, Jessica was really into drinking that werewolf’s blood…awkward.

Questions for next week:

  • What will happen to Eric and will he face any consequences for killing Talbot?
  • Will Jason continue to try to save Crystal the meth cook, and why?
  • What is Sookie, exactly?

Here’s a preview for next week’s episode, “Everything is Broken”:

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True Blood: I Just Need Some Meth.

3 Aug

All eyes on Sookeh.

Please excuse my tardiness with yet another installment of True Blood highlights and lowlights. I had a lazy weekend.

This week’s episode marks the halfway point of the season. We open on Lorena still sucking on Sookie, declaring that she tastes delicious. A weak Bill then chokes Lorena with silver and encourages Sookie to kill Lorena. After Lorena’s gone, some challenges still remain: Debbie, Alcide’s ex is hopped up on V and corners Sookie, Alcide and Tara in the shack. The three manage to escape and embark on a wild van ride. Meanwhile, Hoyt and Jason continue to face romantic challenges galore, and Eric continues to try to get any information on Sookie from the Queen of Louisiana. Sookie eventually ends up in a coma after Bill drinks her blood to revive himself, and Jason, Lafayette and Tara hold vigil for her in the hospital.

Highlights:

  • Lorena is finally dead. Sookie jammed a broomstick through her heart, sending the she-devil back to hell in a huge burst of blood.
  • Hoyt and Jason bonding over being depressed over girls. This is how I hope boys really are.
  • The Queen of Louisiana sitting in a cage so elegantly.
  • Jason asking Lafayette to get him some meth.
  • Sookie’s coma dream – I would really like to know what the water Sookie was drinking tasted like.
  • Lafayette’s prayer over Sookie in the hospital. Lafayette is consistently proving to be one of more deep characters on the show.
  • Russell torturing the magistrate in the basement of Fangtasia. “Ay, que lastima!”
  • Eric: “Your majesty, shall we?” Russell: “We shall. Actually, no. Say hello to the true death.” Then he slices off the magistrate’s head.

Lowlights:

  • Summer, that annoying chick Hoyt went out on a date with last week, wandering into his place with biscuits. Back off, bitch.
  • All of those horrible, gross people who were so into dog fighting.
  • Bill tossing Sookie around like a plaything and sucking her blood – not hot.
  • Yet another seen of the Mickens father in his underpants – coupled with Sam calling him out for his “saggy underpants”.
  • We finally see that Pam has been tortured at Fangtasia for the last two weeks. What the f?

Questions for next week:

  • What will happen between Sookie and Bill? Did Bill really not remember drinking her blood?
  • How will Eric’s relationship with Russell develop?
  • Will someone notice that Franklin is dead in his bed? Will anyone care?

Here’s a preview of “Night on the Sun,” next week’s episode:

True Blood: Eric, What the F*ck?

25 Jul

Poor Arlene and her poor, horrible life.

This week, Sookie comes into danger when she gets taken to the King of Mississippi’s mansion, and Eric apparently has led Sookie on to believe that he cares about her. Russell questions Sookie about what she is, but she really doesn’t know – and she’s shocked to learn that Bill has kept a file on her family for centuries. Meanwhile, Tara is still trapped by Franklin, and she’s so crazy that she bites into him and drinks his blood. Jason hits a snag with Crystal, who turns out to have a fiance with a beaten-up face. Russell invites Eric out with him to see the Queen of Louisiana, from whom Eric rescinds his loyalty. Sookie tries to save Bill after he’s fed on by a werewolf and his werewhore companion, but Lorena, ever-persistent throws her against a wall and starts drinking.

Highlights:

  • Lorena to Sookie: “I would love to rip you open and wear your ribcage as a hat.”
  • Sookie’s impression of Eric: “Sookeh…you make me feel almost human.”
  • Jessica giving a break to the ever-frazzled Arlene by glamouring a customer into leaving a huge tip.
  • Jesus and Lafayette = warm and fuzzies.
  • Eric’s flirtatious card-playing with Russel’s consort, Talbot.
  • The return of the Queen of Louisiana!
  • Eric tell the Queen, “No sweetheart, you go fuck yourself.”
  • Tara going all Lizzie Borden on Franklin – WOW.

Lowlights:

  • Jason and Crystal making out by the lake – no one really cares.
  • Lorena tying up Bill and slicing him open – Bill’s face was ridiculous in this scene.
  • Tara is still tied to Franklin’s bed – ew. And Franklin calls her a “wicked little strumpet” – double ew.
  • Bill’s long, miserable monologue to Lorena as he’s laying in a puddle of his coagulated blood.
  • Any seen with any member of the Mickens family – they can go away, now.

Here’s a preview of next week’s episode, “Hitting the Ground”:

True Blood: Bitch, Where You At?

20 Jul

Tara, the blushing vampire bride.

I apologize for my being tardy with this True Blood post – I had to haul-ass to the ladies.

This week’s episode found Tara continuing her hostage role in Jackson at the manse of the King of Mississippi. Tara begs Bill for help, but of course he says no. Franklin lets Russell (the King of Mississippi) know that Sookie is in Jackson. Meanwhile, Sookie and Alcide flee Jackson in a hurry, but Alcide tells Sookie who Russell is, and naturally wants to talk to him. Eric attempts to pin the sale of V in area 5 on Bill, but it backfires when he sees that Bill is staying with Russell willingly. In the meantime, Jason is still trying to be a cop, and Jessica gets sad when she sees Hoyt on a date at Merlotte’s, but Tommy cheers her up. At the conclusion of the episode, Franklin asks Tara to be his vampire bride, and Bill shows up to warn Sookie, who discovers she has another supernatural power.

Highlights:

  • Talbot, the king’s “royal consort,” checking out Eric and asking, “Have we met?”
  • Alcide’s 1985-looking ex-girlfriend telling Sookie, “I’ll fuck you up!”
  • Franklin’s extremely fast texting.
  • Jesus watching his new crush Lafayette work over a hot grill at Merlotte’s.
  • Eric’s snug pastel green sweater.
  • “You don’t get it you dumb motherfucker! I own him, head to tail!” – the Mickens father to Sam. Eww. Everything is becoming more clear.
  • Tara: “We need to talk.” Franklin: “Don’t say that. Women say that, everything goes black, and I wake up surrounded by body parts.”
  • The flashback to Eric’s real life showed that even Viking parents criticized their kids at dinner.

Lowlights:

  • Tara spending most of this episode tied to a bed. And the combination of Franklin rubbing his cheek to hers while she is immobilized.
  • I didn’t really care for Jason pulling over his new flame, Crystal, without a shirt on. We get it. He’s hot.
  • Tara and her shaking. Quit the shaking, already. It’s not a useful character trait.
  • So I guess Eric’s parents got killed by werewolves. Tough break.

Next week’s episode: “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues”

True Blood: Ring, ring, hookah. Ring, ring.

12 Jul

Lafayette peddling his precious V.

This week’s episode, “9 Crimes,” centered on Sookie’s developing dependence on Alcide, who, let’s face it, is a mighty fine man. We also saw Bill tell Sookie that he never wants to see her again. Good riddance, Beehl. Franklin furthered his hold on an already weak Tara, holding her captive and glamouring her into giving him information about Sookie and Bill.Lafayette almost got jumped when a V deal nearly went bad, but Eric swooped in to save him.

Jason didn’t really do anything, but Hoyt saw Jessica talking to a boy (a boy she was actually glamouring to prevent her parents from finding out her real fate) and got sad. Fangtasia got raided for V, and when questioned, Eric promptly blamed everything on Bill and fled while Pam was strung up and burned with silver. Oh, and Sam’s going to continue to allow his disgusting “family” to park their van near Merlotte’s. What a generous soul.

Highlights:

  • Bill telling Lorena: “It’s been a long night, and I need to sleep. Now get the fuck out.” Then he punched her all the way out of his room.
  • Eric’s fantasizing about Sookie – very sexy. She smelled his memories and said that he smelled “like the ocean in winter.” Mmm, Nordic men.
  • The fact that Franklin was considerate enough to leave Tara tied up on the toilet without her pants on truly impressed me.
  • After Eric flew out of Lafayette’s car, Lafayette says: “Oh hell – what am I supposed to do with this fucked-up-ness?”

Lowlights:

  • Franklin creepily sticking his tongue on Tara’s.
  • Sookie pounding those shots of whiskey at Lou Pine’s – ew.
  • Alcide’s ex-fiance Deb looked like she stepped out of 1985, complete with huge curled bangs and an oversized leather jacket.
  • Bill’s “procuring” of the husbandless, childless stripper. I felt bad for her – especially when her blood started leaking from the door of the limousine.

Questions for next time:

  • Why were all of those men turning into werewolves? Can Alcide not control his shifting?
  • What does the King of Mississippi want with Sookie?
  • Can Tara and her horrible life get more horrible?

Here’s a preview of next week’s episode, “Trouble”:

True Blood: I Got Your Rug All Wet.

29 Jun

Eric Northman - we need more of him.

Last night’s episode kind of bored me except for all of the sex! I mean, has there ever been more sex in one episode of True Blood? Let’s break it down (the sex, that is):

  • The show opened with Tara having sex with Franklin, the latest vampire to come to Bon Temps. I really couldn’t stand Tara’s non-realistic orgasms. I mean, her eyes were rolling into the back of her head. Come on. No one, not even a vampire, could give someone such a ridiculous, lame, over-reactive orgasm.
  • Pam was interrupted by Jessica calling her on the phone while performing cunnilingus on the Estonian dancer girl (the same one Eric did for six hours in the season premiere), saying ever-so-sultrily, “Fangtasia. This better be good.”
  • In one of the most horrifying scenes ever on TV, Bill hatefucked Lorena, all the while screaming, “Never, never!!!” Then he twisted her neck around so her head was on the opposite side of her body. No fucking joke.

Wasn’t that horrific? Love it!

Other highlights of this episode:

  • Eric killing a werewolf in Sookie’s house, leading him to notice, “I got your rug all wet.”
  • Eric helping Sookie bury the dead werewolf and admitting that werewolves are a major challenge to his strength – Eric’s more sensitive side is showing this season.
  • Arlene going to the OB/GYN only to find out that her baby is close to ten weeks old. Uh-oh. (i.e. It’s probabaly not Terry’s kid. Sad.)
  • Jason: “There are two kinds of people in the world, people who got no dreams, people who got dreams and don’t do nothing about it, and people who go out and fulfill their dreams and I’m the third kind.”
  • Eric gifting Lafayette with a car for being his top seller of V.
  • The addition of Alcide as Sookie’s werewolf protector (as assigned by Eric).
  • The preview of the next episode, showing Sookie and Eric kissing – yes, please.

Lowlights:

  • Any scene with Tara. Hopefully now that Eggs is in the ground she’ll wise up and stop acting like an eye-rolling tantric sex freak.
  • Sam’s dad’s underpants. I hope that guy isn’t a serious method actor, because it does look like someone made real skid marks in those nasty things. (Oh, and what the hell is going on between Sam’s dad and brother? I sense incest.)
  • Not enough Eric.
  • Not enough Lafayette.
  • Bill declaring his loyalty to the King of Mississippi = ew.

The next episode, “9 Crimes” will air on July 11th. This preview got me very excited – I can tell this season will be a vast improvement over the last.

Good god, this looks amazing. The Bill wanting to kill Eric plot is making me trip out.