Oh, the Humanity: Most Eligible Dallas

7 Sep

The cast of Most Eligible Dallas posing next to a giant star and a cow skull, y'all.

Bravo recently debuted a new series following the lives of several young singles in The Big D. That’s Dallas, for all of you unfamiliar with the pseudo-sexual nicknames for Texas cities. Bravo describes the show as follows:

They’re young, they’re hot, they’re single –- they’re Dallas’ Most Eligible. From beauty queens to pro-football players, this group of Texas socialites proves that everything’s bigger in Texas –- including the drama. Some are looking for true love while others have perfected the art of the one-night stand, and somehow their love lives have all crossed paths at one time or another. Dallas serves as the sexy backdrop for this jaw-dropping series that follows a group of successful friends living it up in the lone star state.

Oh boy! Where to begin!?! The show has a cast of people so wrapped up in themselves and their semi-important social lives that it’s almost too easy to make fun of them. The jokes about this show practically write themselves!

First up is Tara, a rich Texas blonde with a heart of gold. Tara is also a runaway bride, calling off a total of four engagements! Tara spends a lot of her free time rescuing dogs, and in the first episode, we see her bring home a doomed puppy named Sheniqua.  Tara also wants us to know that she lives a few blocks away from former President Bush and informs us of the power the presence of the Secret Service has over her: “when you see the Secret Service going down the street all the time, it makes you feel wither really safe, or like, al-Qaeda could be down the street.”

Another interesting subject is Drew, the show’s token gay male. In the series-opener, Drew tells his sad tale of woe as a former overweight son of a major luxury car-dealing family. Of course he was able to afford gastric bypass surgery, and he lost weight.  He also injects himself with female hormones to keep the weight off. This is interesting for someone who prides himself on being a manly kind of gay man who can talk about “fuel injection” all the livelong day. My favorite quote from Drew is not necessarily amusing but centers on his pronunciation of the word “button”: “When I need something, I press a butt-un. I need a facial? I press a butt-un. I need my car brought up? I press a butt-un.”

Perhaps the only person I sympathize with in any way on this show is Courtney, a fashionista who dreams of finding the right man for her. The only problem is that the right man for her just might be her best guy friend, Matt, another subject followed on the show.  Although Courtney claims that her feelings for Matt are purely platonic, she gets really mad when Matt brings his gaggles of hoes around. So far, the show follows this continuing issue between Courtney and Matt. Personally, they should both get over themselves and fuck already. This advice comes from personal experience.

The subjects followed on the show I did not yet mention are Neill and Glenn, a single 23-year-old mom (who appears older) and an alleged NFL punter who is quite boring and got released from the Raiders last week. Yawn.

Most Eligible Dallas airs Monday nights on Bravo. I’ll be watching!

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One Response to “Oh, the Humanity: Most Eligible Dallas

  1. Pedro February 8, 2012 at 6:58 AM #

    I kinda felt sorry for him, besuace he was wet and shaking. Then I hit reality and realized what he is getting paid…LOL

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