Is Jon Hamm’s Penis the Greatest Troll in the History of Trolling?

27 Mar
Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm is a man. A man with a penis. A penis so glorious in its perceived girth and length that its all the Internets can talk about lately. It’s caused traffic jams and wars and endless water cooler talk.  People cannot get enough of Jon Hamm’s penis. Except for Jon Hamm. Despite the feverish obsession of late, Jon is not too pleased about the conversation about his equipment. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Hamm tells everyone that his privates are private for a reason and that he wishes everyone would stop talking about it. Really, Jon? Then why do you insist on going commando in public? Surely Hamm makes some sense, in the vein that not everyone likes to have their body parts talked about by others, but really, Jon Hamm is an idol. Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. This is nothing new in the world of celebrity. Jon Hamm is a gloriously handsome man and a great actor. Why not talk about his penis?

And now, photographic evidence of whatever is happening in Jon Hamm’s pants.

May I present exhibit A:

Just strolling.

Okay, WTF? What does he think people will be saying when they see a picture like this? He knows he is famous. He knows he will be photographed on the street. Perhaps he knows what we will be seeing.

Exhibit B:

From VH1.com

Jon Hamm – not wearing a cup.

Jon decided to play baseball while going commando. As a person who has known ball players, the first rule is to always wear a cup. Something could have gone horribly wrong for him on the field. And yet, he still chose to go cup-less. Are you people seeing what I’m seeing?

Is Jon Hamm trolling people with his equipment? Meh, who knows. Maybe he really is that clueless about what he has going on down below. Perhaps Hamm’s manhood is the life equivalent of Dr. Drew Baird, unwittingly succeeding in all that it does.

Just in case I one day get to meet Jon Hamm, I hope he never reads this and/or finds out that I am crazy enough to write about his “privates”. Or do I?

Tags: , , , , , ,

“Work Ethic? What is that?” Asks Every Self-Absorbed Person in Their 20’s

10 Mar
Casey McIntyre wears a world of struggle on her porcelain face.

Casey McIntyre wears a world of struggle on her porcelain face.

The New York Times really needs to shut up about how hard it is to be white and in your twenties.  The publication created a subgenre about being young, in debt, underpaid, and overworked that persists and is now stronger than ever.  Take this annoying piece that appeared online last week, causing a tizzy among young and old alike who simply want to air their grievances about how hard their lives really are.

Take poor little Casey McIntyre, who feels overworked in her position as a book publicist.  She describes her fearless plight: “I have coffee before I leave the house, there’s a Dunkin’ Donuts conveniently in the subway station when I get off, and I get another coffee during the day,” she said. “And they’re large coffees.” Casey, not understanding that work often comes with obligations that may last even when she’s not perched at her desk looking at memes and GIFs in between grown up things like meetings and phone calls, is completely miserable in her coffee-soaked existence.

Perhaps what this disgusting subgenre of “Woe is me, I have to work more than I thought” pieces misses is the realization that things are different now.  If you have a job at all, you should be grateful. If you are not employed, well then that encompasses an entirely different New York Times subgenre. It may also get you featured on this lovely series on Gawker. In any case, The New York Times loves a good whiner. And if you can whine long and hard enough about how unfair everything is for you, then the world will take note of your struggle.  These young people having to work overtime simply to live are the Zapatas of our time. We should all admire their plight, no?

One thing that many young people seem to overlook is how they should be working their asses off while they still have the energy and wherewithal to soldier on.  All this noise about “YOLO” and “making the most of it” (the “YOLO” of yesteryear) is something being shoved down our throats by the Drakes and Justin Biebers and Lena Dunhams of this world.  Maybe if people my age stopped whining about their pitiful $12 an hour existences (which, really, are not pitiful at all), maybe they’d accomplish something.

Gah, it is so hard to be young and have to work.

Tags: , , , ,

Fixed Air Live-Blogs the 85th Annual Academy Awards

24 Feb

It was a last-minute decision to live-blog this year’s Academy Awards…stay tuned for Oscars fun starting in less than ten minutes!!!

2013 Academy Awards

Seth Macfarlane is hosting this evening, and it appears that tonight’s show will be a musical mish-mash, which could either be awesome or absolutely terrifying!  Let us see what unfolds…

6:30 PM MST: And it begins…Seth macfarlane emerges amid applause…Robert Downey Jr. is not amused, natch. God, Seth Macfarlane has such an amazing voice. Why hasn’t he done this before?

Uh-oh….the Oscars have a theme this year…music in film. This could be bad.

Seth Macfarlane is not a stand up comedian, this was a very interesting choice.

6:33 PM MST: Ugh, the first moment of praise directed totally at Daniel Day-Lewis. Ha, a slavery joke. Blah.

6:34 PM MST: Ugh, a Chris Brown and Rihanna joke. They waited four years, so whatever.

6:36 PM MST: Jeebus.  Now we are seeing a meta version of a song about seeing different boobs in movies. I am already over it. “We saw your boobs!” How creative. Someone fire Bruce Villanch now.

6:39 PM MST: Ick, a musical number with Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron? I don’t understand.  They can both dance though, so I approve. Also, Seth can really sing! Look at him!

6:42 PM MST: Now Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe are singing and dancing onstage. I just don’t understand anymore.

6:48 PM MST: It’s time for Best Supporting Actor!!! It’s between Alan Arkin (Argo), Robert DeNiro (Silver Linings Playbook), Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master), Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln), Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained)

6:50 PM MST: WOOO!!!! I love Christoph Waltz!!! You go, Christoph!

7:07 PM MST: A gaggle of handsome men onstage to present Best Cinematography: RDJ, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, one of the Hemsworth brothers? Can’t really tell.

Winner: Life of Pi

7:23 PM MST: James Bond montage. Yawn. Time for another glass of wine.

7:54 PM MST: Okay,so didn’t Catherine Zeta-Jones sing this at the Oscars ten years ago? I’m confused.

8:22 PM MST: Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress! Yawn. (Dave’s comment: “She looks like the kid from Stand By Me.”)

8:35 PM MST: Adele is so amazing!!! Love her! “Let the sky fallllll, and it crumbullllssss….”

8:57 PM MST: Finally, everyone’s favorite moment: the In Memoriam montage.

I got kind of distracted by the goings-on in my home at the tail end of this thing.  I am happy that Jennifer Lawrence won and a bit annoyed that Daniel Day-Lewis won for a role that appeared much less complicated than that of Bill the Butcher, for which he los the Oscar several years ago.

Argo was a pretty good film, although I thought Zero Dark Thirty could have swooped in and taken Best Picture.  Ben Affleck has come a long way since selling his dignity and a bit of his soul during those “Bennifer” years. Good for him!

Until next time…

Tags: , , , , , ,

Things That Will Break Your Heart: Chris Arnade’s Faces of Addiction

10 Feb
Prince spends his time salvaging scrap metal.

Prince spends his time salvaging scrap metal to get money for heroin.

The other day I stumbled upon a Jezebel article detailing an ongoing photo essay by Chris Arnade, called “Faces of Addiction”.  Viewing this photo essay should be mandatory for everyone, especially spoiled millenials who think that their lives are terrible. Looking through this photo series made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have lived my life. Really, I have nothing to whine about at all. I’ve been blessed with so many amazing things: a solid mind, a world-class education, writing ability, attractive looks, designer clothes, trips, meals at nice restaurants, etc. I am blessed in every aspect of my life.  Unfortunately, as the internet and various social media networks prove, whining about anything and everything is the new marker of a narcissistic and selfish society.

Here are some examples of things that people often believe are real problems, when in fact, they are not:

“I cracked the glass on my iPhone!”

“Why is Starbucks out of bacon breakfast sandwiches this morning?”

“OMG! Why is the N train out of service on a Saturday night? Now I’ll never make it to that beer garden at a decent hour!”

“Dave Matthews isn’t coming to my city this year! WTF!”

People, these are not problems. After reading through a bit of “Faces of Addiction,” you will learn what actual problems are.  “Faces of Addiction” chronicles the lives of drug addicts and prostitutes in Hunts Point, Bronx.  For those of you who are not familiar with New York City, Hunts Point is the poorest neighborhood in all of New York City. Heroin plagues the neighborhood, ripping a cruel path of utter destruction in its streets.

Many of Mr. Arnade’s subjects have been addicted to heroin for years, if not decades.  Their faces show an indescribable sadness, eyes peering from behind weathered masks of who they were.  Sonya, who told her story to Arnade, gave up her family and stable life in Rhode Island to move to Hunts Point with a man who introduced her to heroin. Her description of what her life is like now is chillingly paradoxical: “I am happier in some ways than I’ve ever been in my life. But I’ve lost so many things. I want to get out of my addiction but in some ways it’s made me grow a lot. And I think I know now how to live more than I ever have.” Prince is a young man who suffered sexual abuse as a child. He is the oldest of seventeen children, and he spends much of his time scrounging the streets of Hunts Point for scrap metal, using what little money he gets to buy heroin. Arnade noted how positive Prince was, in spite of the life he leads.  Prince graduated high school and states that he hopes to finish college as well. Prince’s photo shows a young man dragging an air conditioner behind him, the composition of the photo offset by the bright colors of a graffitied wall.

Sonya, brought to the edge of addiction by a man named Erik.

Sonya, brought to the edge of addiction by a man named Erik.

Perhaps the most gut-wrenching stories (for me, at least) are those of women who were sexually abused from a very young age and thrust into a life of pain, addiction, and sex work through no fault of their own.  Egpyt’s story especially affected me. Raped by her own father since the age of three, Egypt tells Mr. Arnade that the only man who never treated her badly was God.  For someone who’s been treated so badly her entire life to still have some semblance of faith is simply amazing to me.

Egypt, a longtime victim of men.

Egypt, a longtime victim of men.

Arnade’s photo essay is a must-read for anyone who’s ever passed by a junkie or prostitute in the streets of New York, or any large city for that matter, and wondered what brought them to that moment in their lives.  We tend to go through life glibly, not realizing just how great many of us have it.  Chris Arnade’s message is a much-needed revelation in such selfish times.  If you can look through these photos without wincing, or almost shedding tears, then your heart simply needs some work.

Tags: , , , , , , ,

Let Us Discuss Los Angeles

31 Jan
Sunset

Sunset on Santa Monica beach

The city I live in now, if one can call it that, is a complete dump compared to Los Angeles.  I went to LA for my birthday and to explore the city in preparation for my move.  I was completely and pleasantly surprised by my experience. Here’s some of the great things LA has to offer:

1. Gorgeous Scenery

The stereotype is that LA is a smog-filled wasteland consisting of nothing but cement buildings and gang members. This is so far from the truth. There are trees and mountains, a blue sky, and fabulous sunsets that overflow with orange goodness.  Sure, there are less pretty areas of LA, but overall it gets a thumbs up for looking good.

The view of Hollywood Hills from the LACMA.

The view of Hollywood Hills from the LACMA.

2.  Thriving Arts Scene

Young people flock to Los Angeles with hopes of making it in music, film, comedy, and more.  Really, only two cities are important when you’re trying to do artsy fartsy things (No, the other one is not Austin. Shut up about Austin, hipster people.) As someone who hopes to write for television and film and pursue a stand up career, it is the perfect place to be.  LA is also home to some amazing art museums. I recommend the Stanley Kubrick and Caravaggio exhibits at the LACMA.

3. Hot Men for Days

Colorado Springs leaves something to be desired in the men department.  First off, the guys in Colorado are not men. They are boys. Second, Colorado boys seem to have no real ambition – at least the ones I know.  LA offers hot single men on every street corner and in every bar.  Not only are they hot, but they are super-confident and will talk to you. Then you will get asked out three times in three days.  Amazing.

4. Friendly, Interesting People

I bet you’re surprised by this one. I was too, at first. I expected everyone in LA to be a shallow bag of dicks. People were so overly friendly that it really sealed the deal for me.  It’s amazing how people will strike up a conversation with you on a whim in LA.  I am so down for some positive energy and vibes, and the people seem to have this down very well.

Venice Beach

Venice Beach – photo by me!

5. Actual Things to Do

I have spent the last three years of my life wondering what the hell I should do all day long. Why is this? Because there is nothing to do in Colorado Springs.  LA has museums, clubs, parks, restaurants, bars, theater, comedy clubs, and way more to offer.  If you need something to do, go to LA. That’s where I’m going to be.

Here's me at Red O on my birthday with a phallic-shaped bottle of tequila.

Here’s me at Red O on my birthday with a phallic-shaped bottle of tequila.

Tags: , , , , , ,

Things I Almost Tattooed On My Body (Thankfully I Did Not)

8 Jan

Ah, youth. The sweet sting of broken hearts and the beginnings of alcoholism. Living it up while you’re young (see, YOLO) is a major part of American society, as is making the commitment to allow another human being stab permanent markings into your skin with a sharp needle. Tattoos are fun and by god, they will help you show off your awesome personality and the things you loved, even for a moment in the turning gears of time.

There are several tattoos I’ve considered in my short lifetime, and all of them were really stupid ideas. Here, a list of the things I almost allowed a stranger to stab onto my body in permanent ink:

1. Drama Masks

Photo from DeviantArt.com

Uh-oh. This girl was not so lucky.

When I was in high school I was extremely involved in theater.  While I still love theater, my former favorite activity has taken a backseat to my goal of writing for film and television.  It’s a good thing I did not get this tattooed on my body not only for my personal interests changing, but also this is the kind of tattoo that can really frighten someone when they see you naked for the first time. I mean, what is up with the sad face? It looks like a Dali painting gone wrong.

2. Flower near my crotch

I used to think it would be kickass to have a tattoo of a flower right above, well, my flower. This was a dumb idea and it also did not come to fruition.

3. Lady Gaga lyrics

I went through a pretty serious though brief Lady Gaga obsession a couple of years ago.  It was around the time that Gaga released the song “Bad Romance” off of The Fame Monster. The lyrics in question? “I’m a freak bitch, baby”.  Why did I think this was so awesome? I though it would look pretty cool placed on my left hip wrapping around the area where my underwear would hit.  That way guys would see it and feel super lucky to be with a “freak bitch”. Seriously.  This was a rough time in my life and I would prefer if you withheld all judgment.

4. A Colorado flag

Photo from Westword.

What does this even mean? When did the great flag of Colorado take a beating?

I grew up in colorado and although it is an amazing place full of natural beauty and old friends, I really hate it here now. I do not want anything associated with this place on my body. Thanks but no thanks. I doubt the flag of the Centennial State would have held its shape if I lived for a century.

5. “Shhh…” on my index finger

OMG Rihanna, we get it.

Sometime in 2008 or so a few celebrity ladies started getting “Shhh…” tattooed on their index fingers.  Rihanna was one of them. Lily Allen was another one. It was stupid and I have no idea why I thought this would have been a good idea.  Young people are silly.

6. John Mayer tribute tattoo.

John. John!!! Why are you so weird and have to say weird dumb things in magazines that make people hate you? why can’t we go back to those wonderful and simple times where I cried myself to sleep listening to “Room for Squares” and dreamt of marrying Leonardo DiCaprio (the Gangs of New York version, specifically)? I really wanted to tattoo one of your album logos on myself. Let’s go back to being a musical genius. Yes?

And that was a brief overview of the things I almost tattooed on my body. Let’s take a moment of silence to reflect on those who were not so lucky and chose to memorialize their love for things like Limp Bizkit and tootsie rolls in the form of tattoos. Those people deserve our sympathy.

Tags: , , , , ,

Django Unchained: “I Like the Way You Die, Boy!”

27 Dec
DJANGO UNCHAINED

Leonardo DiCaprio as Calvin Candie

Django Unchained is an exercise in restraint for Quentin Tarantino.  Although some scenes of the film rival the bloodiest that Tarantino captured on film in the past, the fact remains that Django, like many of Tarantino’s films, lacks the high levels of violence typical of your Kill Bill or your Reservoir Dogs.  We meet Django (Jamie Foxx) as he is being transported between plantations.  The entrance of an eccentric alleged dentist, Dr. King Schultz, played by Christoph Waltz, allows Django a chance at tasting freedom and the possibility of being reunited with his wife, Broomhilda (Kerry Washington).  Waltz, channeling his Hans Landa that made Inglourious Basterds a delight, makes a charming bounty hunter seeking three overseers whom he determines Django can identify. Django, tasting the possibility of freedom, throws away the tattered blanket covering him, and a pronounced shot of his back, scarred by a whip, fills the screen.  Schultz trains Django in the art of bounty hunting and gunfighting, realizing that Django, as we will see throughout the entirety of the film, is unlike any slave to be found in the South.

On one of their first bounty hunts together, Schultz offers Django a beer.  Django shows his delight in tasting the beer, clearly symbolic of his “tasting” freedom for the first time. Django then accompanies Dr. Schultz on a series of bounty hunts, collecting one third of the bounties the men make.  Eventually, Dr. Schultz learns that Broomhilda is likely on a plantation referred to as Candie Land, owned by Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), who is a known Francophile but cannot speak a word of French.  Dr. Schultz and Django then pose as slavers seeking to buy a “black Hercules” to use for mandingo fighting, the practice of forcing slaves to fight to the death.  DiCaprio plays Candie, his first villain, with an awareness of just how ridiculous his character is.  Naturally, the film peaks with Django fighting for his beloved Broomhilda, though those details are best left undiscussed.

Django’s discovery of how good he is at killing can be summed up in one line from the film: “Killing white people for money? What’s not to like?” It’s that daring, overtly racist yet unforgiving attitude that places what Django is really about in focus. It’s a film about exploring a legacy that has left the U.S. in an eternally divided state, focused on the power of race.  Race is huge in this country and Tarantino’s daring in exploring this issue is commendable.  The fact that he is a white Italian filmmaker trying to make sense of the white black paradigm is good on him, despite many protesting these efforts (Spike Lee among them).

Overall, Django Unchained is a massive effort by Tarantino to continue to outdo himself in terms of story, scale, and retelling history.  For me, Inglourious Basterds wil remain my Tarantino masterpiece.  It will be interesting to see what he will do next, as it seems that his tendency to make films in homage to other films is becoming rather tired. Django Unchained places Tarantino at an artistic crossroads of sorts, and it will be his choice to break free from the chains of his own art, much like Django succeeded in doing within this film.

Rating: B+, for effort and creativity.

Tags: , , , , , ,

You’re the Best Damn Liar I’ve Ever Met

23 Dec

Wow, I’ve never met anyone as sly as you…. Thanks for the memories!

WHORE.

Rob Gronkowski’s Pants & Other Places I Want to Be in 2013

10 Dec

It’s time for some light fare around these parts. 2012 is almost over and a lot of silly people think the world is ending in just about two weeks.  Well, it won’t. In fact, the world will likely be in existence until at least the year 3050, when the earth will effectively become uninhabitable due to excess carbon dioxide. Whew, dodged that bullet! In the mean time, let’s talk about goals for 2013. No, not New Year’s Resolutions, but a list of things and/or places that will be goals of mine in 2013. Where do I see myself next year? Here’s a sampling:

1. Las Vegas

I haven’t been to Las Vegas since I was ten years old. That’s just pathetic. I’d like to do something that needs to be left there.

2. Bruges

A few years ago I saw the movie In Bruges. Needless to say, it changed my life. I’m long overdue for a Europe trip and Bruges has some huge music festival I would like to attend.

Bruges

3. Whole Foods

Last year I discovered this amazing out of the way grocery store in New York City. Have you heard of it? I need to eat healthier in 2013, and if this involves eating the stuff they pass off as health food in Whole Foods, then that works for me.

4. Rob Gronkowski’s pants

We must discuss Rob Gronkowski.  How did he get to look the way he does? Amirite? This guy can probably toss ladies around in bed like the footballs he catches ever so gracefully…

Look at that bulge.

Look at that bulge.

5. Los Angeles

I’m moving there. I have a television pilot to shoot and dreams to fulfill.

6. Blake Griffin’s pants

This is the first person whose pants I will be seeking out when I arrive in LA.

7. A Bikram Yoga Class

Time to sweat out the sins of the last year.

8. A Scary Truck Stop Somewhere in Nevada

I imagine that I will stop at one of these on my drive to LA.

9. Rihanna’s Party Yacht

I really think that Rihanna and I could be best friends. We both like designer clothes, drugs, and doin’ it. Of course I would take a position as a waitress on her yacht, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t still be besties…right?

10. Joe Biden’s Favorite Sunglass Hut Location

This man wears his sunglasses well. I want to be there when he picks out his latest pair of aviators. Also, I want to sit on his lap just like this lady.

Joe Biden Lap

From the Washington Post.

Tags: , , , , , ,

People Complaining About Working on Thanksgiving/Black Friday Need Some Cheese With Their Wine

22 Nov

Last week I received an email from Change.org, a website that hosts petitions for (usually) great causes. However, last week’s petition reeked of what I like to call “first world problems.”  A woman who works at Target, Casey St. Clair, began the petition in order to prevent workers from having to work beginning at 9 PM on Thanksgiving Day.  This is a screenshot of the generic petition people are signing:

Change.org Petition

This petition is annoying in many ways, the first and most obvious example being the number of people who are unemployed in this country and would likely jump at the chance to work a minimum wage retail job at Target.  Second, what about all of the other workers who never get a day off? This includes restaurant workers (I worked the last two Thanksgivings at a restaurant myself), police officers, firemen, military, and many other people who do not get holidays off.  Third, have these people never worked retail before choosing to work at Target (actually, perhaps Target chose them)? Retail is one of the most annoying, physically painful, inconvenient, high stress jobs that anyone could ever imagine. I worked at American Eagle Outfitters for six years.  Thankfully I have not worked retail since my first few months out of college, but I definitely identify with the woes of having to work holidays.

However, in spite of how much working retail sucks, I learned many years ago to never bite the hand that feeds you.  The people you see on the news whining about having to work on Thanksgiving and Black Friday will likely not be employed come New Year’s. What people do not realize is that employment, in many states, is deemed “at will,” meaning that employers can let you go at any time without telling you why. People need to be more aware of these laws and how they conduct themselves while not at work, especially in these times of an encroaching social media panopticon.

Another issue contributing to the increasing disgruntlement amongst retail workers is the very odd sense of entitlement displayed by young people today, especially young people who chose to not apply themselves in school or attempt a professional degree, with the expectations that they’d be the next Hannah Montana or Justin Bieber. In the last decade or so, the sense of entitlement of young people in regards to where they should work or how much money they should make, or what kind of car they should drive has skyrocketed to levels of unbearable annoyance.  Not everyone can be on Rich Kids of Instagram.  I am not impressed when you post a photograph of thirty or so twenty dollar bills.  Yes, someone I know actually did that.

The core of the matter in this instance is the fact that people need to learn to be more grateful for the things they have rather than the things they don’t have.  Employment, a paycheck, and a roof over one’s head are all things to be grateful for.  If you have to work retail and you hate it so much, then try something else.  Hundreds of people will be happy to fill your shoes.

This message is brought to you by post-Thanksgiving indigestion.

Tags: , ,

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →