Newly Victimized by New Moon

28 Nov

Last night, after a successful though horrific day of Black Friday shopping, my friend Anna* dragged me (literally, by the belt loops of my jeans) to see the second installment of the Twilight saga, New Moon. I’ve been able to avoid reading the books due to my general lack of enthusiasm for everything that teenagers enjoy. Recently I have started to feel old in spite of being young by the standards of those who actually are older.  Last week when I watched the American Music Awards (which were terrible), I had no clue as to who some of the presenters were. I kept asking, “Who the F is that?”

When I was finally detained by the Twilight cult for two hours of what some people may call a movie, I was transported to a world of sparkles and nonchalant shoulder shrugs.  I am unsure of whether this is intentional, but the movie’s main protagonist, Bella Swan, seems to hate everyone and everything, except for Edward Cullen. And she even talks to him like he’s trash.  Each time Bella spoke, her words came out along with a large breath. This, combined with consistent mumbling, made it difficult for me to understand what the hell she was saying.

In spite of this annoyance, the film made up for it with fancy F/X scenes of giant wolves chasing vampires through vast stretches of forest so beautiful that they simply must be fake. Oh, and there was also a certain shirtless teenage boy, Taylor Lautner.  I do question how Taylor built up such muscles at such a young age. No one in my high school ever had a body like that; Lautner makes the boys I went to school with look like distant cousins of the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Most of the women in the theater were in their mid-twenties and older, and flashes of Lautner’s eight-pack set off all sorts of frightening reactions, some of which I would like to forget.

One thing that definitely annoyed me about New Moon were its deviations from standard vampire fare. I HATE that Edward and his family can stand outside in the sun and do nothing more than look like  a Mariah Carey stage costume. And why are vampires in movies always rich? Edward’s sister Alice drives a cute little Mercedes and his father is a successful doctor. (Other fare with rich vampires: Interview with the Vampire and True Blood.) I would like to see a vampire on welfare, just for diversity purposes.

The highlight of this movie came when two women began fighting in the back of the theater when one threw a bottle water at the other for talking. More blood appeared at this moment than throughout the entirety of New Moon. I was hoping to hate this movie as much as possible, but I can confirm it is not the worst movie I have ever seen (that still remains The Sweetest Thing with Cameron Diaz).  The story seems to lack a primary purpose; I did not care for scenes of Bella’s night terrors, spurred on by the absence of Edward. In many ways, this movie is just about a young girl having her heart broken, though not just by anyone: he’s the sparklingest, palest, most dreamy vampire EVER. And oh my, woe is me when I have to choose between him and my ripped half-werewolf best friend. Life is so hard for Bella Swan.

Grade: C

*Names have been changed to avoid pestering.

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