Tag Archives: Quarterbacks

Ranking NFL Quarterbacks by Hotness

15 Dec

Football. What is it, really? I can’t really tell you since I have a vagina. One thing I do know about football provides an endless parade of hot men who wear those tight, stretchy pants and push each other angrily.  It’s time to rank football players by the only measure of human value that should ever be considered: hotness.

In case you also have female reproductive parts, you should know that the most important position on a football team is that of quarterback. The quarterback is the guy who throws the ball at an open offensive player, someone like a wide receiver. The quarterback’s success is measured in touchdown passes and passing yards. However, it is important to note the recurring chiseled and ruggedly handsome faces that grace the equally solid bodies of quarterbacks. The quarterback tends to be the hottest guy on the team. This is why many quarterbacks date supermodels and grace cologne ads with their manly presence.  Here is my list of the five hottest NFL starting quarterbacks:

5. Cam Newton

Cam Newton is the rookie QB for the Carolina Panthers. He resembles a Ken doll, but I am going to assume he has functional “parts”. That is all.

Jaw: 6/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Imitation Champagne.

4. Tom Brady

Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen after she had enough of Leonardo DiCaprio and also dabbles in the modeling world from time to time. He also has three Superbowl rings, which serve as confirmation that he is the man.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Saltine cracker.

3. Eli Manning

Eli Manning is kind of goofy looking, but his money and acclaim still make him hot! His father, also a former NFL quarterback, proudly proclaims that his son is “not a runner”.  Described as a “one man team” a few weeks ago after a Giants game against the Cowboys, Manning is certainly better looking than his even more goofy-looking brother, Peyton.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Deep fried peanut butter sammy.

2. Tim Tebow

Despite Tebow’s overt love of Jesus – which is admirable, I suppose, but why should god care about football? – he just seems like a really nice guy. I’d like to bend down on on knee and give the phrase “Tebow Time” a whole new meaning.

Jaw: 8/10 Body: 9/10 Personality: Two loaves of bread and two fish.

1. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez is carved from what I like to describe as an olive-colored block of sex. He is not yet the best QB out there, but he’s getting better and could lead the Jets to a Superbowl. He just needs to stop looking so pouty on the field. Oh wait, that’s just his hot face.

Jaw: 9/10 Body: 10/10 Personality: Tostitos.