Tag Archives: Tim Tebow

Ranking NFL Quarterbacks by Hotness

15 Dec

Football. What is it, really? I can’t really tell you since I have a vagina. One thing I do know about football provides an endless parade of hot men who wear those tight, stretchy pants and push each other angrily.  It’s time to rank football players by the only measure of human value that should ever be considered: hotness.

In case you also have female reproductive parts, you should know that the most important position on a football team is that of quarterback. The quarterback is the guy who throws the ball at an open offensive player, someone like a wide receiver. The quarterback’s success is measured in touchdown passes and passing yards. However, it is important to note the recurring chiseled and ruggedly handsome faces that grace the equally solid bodies of quarterbacks. The quarterback tends to be the hottest guy on the team. This is why many quarterbacks date supermodels and grace cologne ads with their manly presence.  Here is my list of the five hottest NFL starting quarterbacks:

5. Cam Newton

Cam Newton is the rookie QB for the Carolina Panthers. He resembles a Ken doll, but I am going to assume he has functional “parts”. That is all.

Jaw: 6/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Imitation Champagne.

4. Tom Brady

Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen after she had enough of Leonardo DiCaprio and also dabbles in the modeling world from time to time. He also has three Superbowl rings, which serve as confirmation that he is the man.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Saltine cracker.

3. Eli Manning

Eli Manning is kind of goofy looking, but his money and acclaim still make him hot! His father, also a former NFL quarterback, proudly proclaims that his son is “not a runner”.  Described as a “one man team” a few weeks ago after a Giants game against the Cowboys, Manning is certainly better looking than his even more goofy-looking brother, Peyton.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Deep fried peanut butter sammy.

2. Tim Tebow

Despite Tebow’s overt love of Jesus – which is admirable, I suppose, but why should god care about football? – he just seems like a really nice guy. I’d like to bend down on on knee and give the phrase “Tebow Time” a whole new meaning.

Jaw: 8/10 Body: 9/10 Personality: Two loaves of bread and two fish.

1. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez is carved from what I like to describe as an olive-colored block of sex. He is not yet the best QB out there, but he’s getting better and could lead the Jets to a Superbowl. He just needs to stop looking so pouty on the field. Oh wait, that’s just his hot face.

Jaw: 9/10 Body: 10/10 Personality: Tostitos.

Two Thoughts on the Superbowl: Neither Involves Chicken Wings

5 Feb

The annual gathering of face-painted super fans watching large men bump into each other, also known as the Superbowl, is this Sunday in Miami. I have two thoughts on America’s biggest man-flesh fest:

Scott Fujita

1. I hope the Saints win. It’s not that I really know or care about stats, or that I have something against Peyton Manning, but I want the Saints to win simply due to the existence of Saints linebacker Scott Fujita.  The man has spoken in favor of abortion and gay rights, and he has a BA in political science and an MA in education. This guy is the unicorn of professional athletes. I am sure that many other prominent athletes share similar opinions, but Fujita gets points for actually opening his mouth and not being afraid to do so. Also, someone called him “a pinko communist fag from Berkeley”, and he doesn’t care. I’ve been called a pinko commie many a time, so I relate to him on a personal level. Go, Saints!!! (NY Times)

Tim Tebow

2. Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Florida Gators and avid painter of Bible scripture on his cheeks, is set to appear in two anti-abortion ads during the Superbowl. Where do I begin? First, the ads are sponsored by Focus on the Family, a Christian organization based in Colorado Springs, where I grew up. I could go on and on about Focus on the Family being a horrible, hateful organization, but that would waste my valuable time. Second, my problem is not with Tim Tebow. My problem stems from the misunderstanding Tebow seems to have about his very own “personal” connection to abortion. In 1987, a doctor advised Tim Tebow’s mother, Pam, that her fifth pregnancy carried extreme risk and was a possible threat to her life. She chose to carry Tim to full term. Let’s review: a doctor advised Mrs. Tebow of the risk associated with her pregnancy, Mrs. Tebow weighed her options, and chose to remain pregnant. Mrs. Tebow was given a choice. This is the key to a woman’s right to choose for herself what she will do to her body. However, Tim and his mother are taking a stance against the very choice that Pam Tebow had. This is hypocrisy at its most salient. Leave the pro-life stance behind at the Superbowl. The Superbowl is not meant to serve as a vessel for bigotry! It’s an American event, and I want to see neutral commercials for great American things like Doritos, Pepsi, and Cadillacs!

UPDATE: Someone attempted to leave a comment that said, and I quote: “Only anti-aboortionists know more than God.” Are you kidding me!?! Anyone who claims to be omnipotent in any way, shape, or form is insane. This comment was not approved due to hearsay.