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TLC’s Extreme Couponing: I Don’t Get It

31 May

Desirae shows off her stockpiles.

Last night I caught two episodes of TLC’s Extreme Couponing, a show that follows people who devote countless hours and effort to saving money on groceries with coupons. When TLC calls this show “extreme,” they are not fucking around. I’m talking about women who are able to use enough coupons to pay only $6.50 for almost $700 worth of groceries. If TLC wanted to be even more accurate, this show should be named Crazy People Doing Crazy Things to Save Crazy Amounts of Money.

One episode featured Desirae, a 24-year-old mother and housewife who devotes over 60 hours per week to her couponing practices. The introductory shot of Desirae shows a young, plump woman in glasses and a put-together outfit standing in a dumpster, on the hunt for coupons. That’s right – Desirae makes it a part of her normal routine to dumpster-dive for the pages of coupons that are thrown out with Sunday newspapers. Desirae also maintains several large binders of coupons, organized alphabetically by brand and category.

Like every woman I saw on this show, Desirae keeps a highly organized stockpile of her discounted goods in her basement.  Rows upon rows of packaged food, bottled drinks, and cans of vegetables line Desirae’s cellar. Desirae proudly points to her stockpile of razors. “These razors have a retail value of $4,000,” Desirae beams. Somehow I doubt Desiree will have a need for $4,000 worth of Bic razors in her lifetime. I’ve decided that she’s certifiable.

Later on in the show, after we see how Desirae collects her coupons, we follow Desirae on a shopping trip to her local Albertsons store. After literally shutting down the store’s register with her hundreds of items and hundreds of coupons, the store manager has to make a call to Albertson’s corporate offices to approve the massive purchase. After the manager and a flustered cashier finish the transaction on a tiny calculator, Desirae pays 55 cents for over $1,000 worth of groceries. Very impressive.

Jessica and her stockpiles - ready for a war. Or the rapture.

Desirae, like many of the women featured on Extreme Couponing, appears to get some sort of high from saving money, and, in some ways, cheating the system through the use of coupons. I could not help but wonder if things would be different for women like Desirae if they had actual jobs. One may argue that their job is taking care of their family, and that couponing helps them to do that. I do think that if the 60 hours Desirae spends each week on her coupon habits were spent on work for pay, that perhaps things would be different. Maybe Desiree would not be so worried about money. Also, does it not it seem odd to spend 60 hours on saving money while exerting the energy one would spend at a normal job?

I understand the American mentality of wanting a bargain. However, the ladies of Extreme Couponing take this mentality to, well, the extreme. Another episode featured Jessica, a very pretty housewife (whose husband appeared to be three times her age) who explains to the TV audience how a coupon for $3 off clearance vitamins will make her $1 for every can she buys. The math these ladies perform is astounding. It seems that the habit of “extreme couponing” is almost like a mental illness, or a compulsion to save money. I also think it can be compared to compulsive shopping, though in the end, these women are not collecting shoes and leather purses, but name-brand packages of food. Will shelves of cans and boxes of food become a new status symbol following the misery of the Great Recession? Perhaps not, but Desirae and Jessica will surely be prepared for a slew of natural disasters and/or alien invasions for years to come. Fixed Air salutes you, ladies.

Get Your Underthings Right: The Stretch Lace Thong

27 May

As a lady, I like to think I know a thing or two about underwear. I’ve worn it all my life, just like a lady is expected to. It’s taken many years and many trials of various types of underwear, but I’ve decided that there is only one kind for me: the stretch lace thong.

I have not always been a fan of thongs. Early versions I tried dug in on my hips and left strange marks deep in my skin. These early attempts at wearing thongs were also marred by terrible graphic designs on the crotch: cherries, martinis, and smiley faces. Someone actually thought that those were good things to appear on someone’s crotch. These early defeats lead to years of dedication to the boyshort, a cute hip-hugging design that is comfortable but not necessarily forgiving when it comes to VPL. Boyshorts typically do not look okay underneath tight skirts and dresses. As a fan of tight skirts and dresses, though I am not a prostitute, (even though sure they save money on underwear) I am in need of something that will both eliminate VPL and hide my ladyparts. I chose to experiment with the stretch lace thong. Here follows an analysis of four major brands of stretch lace thongs, along with a grade.

1. Victoria’s Secret: The Lacie Thong

The Lacie is a very popular style sold by Victoria’s Secret. It comes in a rainbow of colors and an array of animal prints. Unfortunately, the “one size fits all” title does not seem to apply here. I have around five pairs of the Lacie thong, and they all fit differently. Plus, I have found that the level of annoyance I experience while shopping in Victoria’s Secret while being bombarded by the questions of salesgirls simply is not worth it. No, I do not need help choosing out my “Lacies”. They’re all the same damn size.

Overall grade: C

2. Soma Amazing Stretch Lace Thong

I worked at a Soma store for a few months following my college graduation due to the horrors of the Great Recession. When I got hired, I was able to choose three different pairs of underwear for free. Out of all of the ones I tried, the “amazing” stretch lace thong was the best one. Unfortunately, I found that the lace was really too thin and probably very cheap. The act of putting them on caused my nails to get snagged on the lace and for small holes to show up. I got fired for this job because as the manager told me, “it’s clear to me that your future is not with the magic of Soma.” Damn straight it’s not.

Overall grade: B-

3. Express One Size Fits All Stretch Lace Thong

Express is one of my favorite stores for two reasons: lots of pieces that come in leopard print and coupons. Unfortunately, even though I tend to own half of the items carried in the store at any one time, their thongs are not anything I will seek out in the future. The fit is all wrong and the underwear ends up riding up, riding down, riding sideways -you name it. Also, the material is clearly very cheap. DO NOT BUY THESE.

Overall grade: D

4. Hanky Panky One Size Fits All Stretch Lace Thong

This pair of underwear is a gift from above. Started thirty years ago, Hanky Panky is the brainchild of designer Gale Epstein. Epstein created a custom set of underwear from handkerchiefs for a friend, and after fashion industry professionals got hold of Epstein’s work, Hanky Panky was born. My favorite design is the low-rise lace thong. It’s available in 40 colors. The only downside is the price. At $18 a pair, they are an investment that every lady should make. The Hanky Panky Stretch Lace Thong is the ultimate pair of underwear. It’s also available at Anthropologie and Free People stores.

Overall grade: A

This Explains My Social Life

11 Nov

The Long Island. Chock full of vitamins G, V, T, and R (Gin, Vodka, Tequila, and Rum).

Mmm, drinking. Such a wonderful pastime for those of all age groups and ethnic backgrounds. Everyone and their mother gets down on the sauce, for varied reasons (my apologies ahead of time for those teetotalers who could become offended at my lack of sensitivity for those who are actually struggling with alcoholism and not just taking one too many shots of Jager at a party).  When I saw a recent piece on drinking in The Week, I had a eureka-like moment.  The article poses the question, “Why do smart kids grow up to be heavier drinkers?” All at once, I had a new justification for my gin-soaked social life.

I don’t want to sound like a total asshole, but being smart is hard. I know that sounds completely asshole-like, but for some people, being smart from a young age is a completely burdensome experience.  When you’re a little kid who understands much more about the world than any adult would deign to tell you, your imagination becomes a refuge for the endless thoughts and feelings running through your little, under-developed mind. Plus, you’re probably getting teased a lot by dumb children, which sucks a lot.

The Week poses three theories to explain why it is that recent studies show that “more intelligent children in both studies grew up to drink alcohol more frequently and in greater quantities than less intelligent children”:

1. Evolution: ‘Smart people are generally early adopters and, in the context of human history, “the substance [alcohol] and the method of consumption are both evolutionarily novel.”

Awesome! I can now justify my ability to hold my liquor with science.

2. Alcohol makes up for boring early years: Joanne Hinkel of The Frisky had this to say: “All that studying in childhood repressed kids so much that they’re still trying to compensate well into adulthood for all that fun they missed.”

I could not agree more with this theory. I went to a college that is not considered “fun” by normal standards, and I spent the majority of my nights slaving over papers about Victorian poetry in the library. At least I can now celebrate the fact that I chose to get an English degree with endless Long Island Iced Teas.

3. Drinking is the only way to deal with morons: Greg, of Food & Wine Blog, says that a few drinks allow a smart person to “relax a bit, stop being so anal with semantics and let comments slide a bit.”

This is also true. I find that people with whom I would never be inclined to interact with are much more endearing when I’m drunk. Then I sober up a little and wonder why the fuck I thought it was a good idea to have an hour-long conversation with Mike, the local UPS delivery man with wandering hands. It can also be said that more intelligent people drink simply to turn off their minds for a little while. When you’re a smart person, you tend to over-analyze EVERY. LITTLE. DETAIL. Drinking helps to turn off your mind for a while, relieving you of the burden it is to have to think about all of your problems and then some.

I do think there is one more explanation for why smarter kids grow up to become heavier drinkers: emotional sensitivity.  I read somewhere that smarter people are more in tune with the suffering of others, making them particularly emotionally fragile. One commenter on The Week offered, “a study of genius-level children a few years ago found them acutely and painfully attuned to the suffering in the world, feeling a personal responsibility to help. It may be that they need to dull some of their sensitivities to survive.” Hmm. I suppose there is more to my love of bar-hopping, after all.

Bottoms up!

I Love You, Marina Abramovic.

18 May

Marina Abramovic

A recent visit to the Museum of Modern Art in New York City introduced me to the work of Serbian and Yugoslavian performance artist Marina Abramovic.  The museum is currently featuring a retrospective of the artist’s work, as well as hosting Abramovic’s longest performance yet, The Artist is Present. I truly have not been more impressed by performance art, nor by a single museum exhibit to the extent that The Artist is Present captivated my attention.

The retrospective of Abramovic’s work shows unbelievable feats of a woman who uses her body as the medium of her work. Beginning in 1970s Yugoslavia, Abramovic’s performances focus on the manipulation and limits of the human body. Some of the pieces I took notes on were feats of the human body and mind that seem to have been completely unmatched.  In a performance titled Freeing the Body, “in trying to transcend physicality, Abramovic covered her head and continuously moved her body to the beat of a drum until she collapsed from exhaustion.”  In Freeing the Memory, “Abraomovic recited all the words she could think of, stopping when her memory failed her.” This piece made me wonder how man words I could recite before going completely blank. Not everyone can do what Abramovic does in her performances. Both of these performances were captured on film and can be viewed in the MoMA exhibit. The use of numerous multimedia in Abramovic’s art can be seen throughout the exhibit in the form of film, sound, and live actors.

In a 1973 piece titled Rhythm 10, Abramovic recorded herself playing a game of Five Finger Fillet (the game where you take a knife and try to stab the surface in between your fingers, while traying to avoid cutting yourself) with twenty different knives. Abramovic cut herself a total twenty times, listened to the recording of her stabbing herself with the different knives, and attempted the process again, in an effort to merge the past with the present.

In 1974’s Rhythm 0, Abramovic tested the limits of the relationship of an artist/performer with his/her audience.  Abramovic place 72 various objects on a table with a sign that informed the audience that they could use the objects on her in any way they chose.  Some of the objects included a knife, a gun and bullet, grapes, cotton balls, a slice of cake, and a single rose. Over a course of six hours, Abramovic allowed the audience to do what they pleased with the objects, with one participant loading the gun and aiming it at Abramovic’s head. Abramovic discovered, “if you leave decision to the public, you can be killed.” Rhythm 0 is a performance that chilled me; the control that Abramovic granted to the audience is something that could lead to sexual and physical abuse, and even death. Abramovic’s bravery is very impressive.

Starting in 1976, Abramovic paired with German-born performance artist Uwe Laysiepen, known professionally as Ulay. The performances by Abramovic and Ulay display the utmost in trust between partners and performers.  In a piece with a title I cannot recall, Abramovic and Ulay were nude, simultaneously running and colliding into large columns in front of an audience. In a recurring performance that would later become the basis for 2010’s The Artist is Present, Abramovic and Ulay sat opposite each other in chairs at a table.  A card describing the performance indicated that Abramovic and Ulay were not interested in what they were doing (sitting idly and silently at a table), but more about what they were not doing.  I took this to mean that the artists were interested in how long an individual can withhold himself or herself from reacting or acting on impulse.  The exercise is not only about patience, but also about self-control and avoiding base reactions.

Imponderabilia, 1977

Another Abramovic and Ulay performance recreated live in the MoMA exhibit is Imponderabilia, where the pair stood nude, facing each other in a doorway. Visitors to the work were invited to pass through the doorway, having to squeeze between two naked persons.  When I saw the recreation of Imponderabilia, two attractive young women were definitely nude, and facing each other in a doorway.  One by one, visitors, passed through the threshold.  I did notice that a good amount of men were gawking at these young women, and even more people could not seem to stifle their giggles as they passed by.  This piece, whether intentionally or not, makes a statement on nudity and the comfort level of humans in the presence of said nudity.  I honestly felt a little badly for these young women – their bodies somehow became the source of the pleasure of others, and not the neutral, beautiful works of natural art they were meant to be.

One of the most impressive pieces in the Abramovic retrospective was Balkan Baroque (1997), in which Abramovic scrubbed the meat off of 600 pounds of cow bones to symbolize the genocide of World War 2.  The MoMA exhibit displayed a huge pile of cow bones, though I am unsure of whether the ones on display are the ones Abramovic scrubbed clean. The exhibit lead to a room lined with photographs depicting Abramovic’s journey from a young girl in a volatile Yugoslavian household, to the accomplished performance artist and filmmaker she became.  Known as the “grandmother of performance art,” Abramovic’s life is as surreal as some of her works. Her life and work is stunning, and anyone who will have the privilege of seeing The Artist is Present before it closes on May 31st will feel the same way.

Marina Abramovic sits in the second floor atrium of the MoMA from its opening hour until a little past 5:30 PM.  The first time I see her sitting there, eyes fixed on the visitor sitting opposite herself, Abramovic looks waxen, and likely exhausted by her effort to remain completely motionless.  On the first day I see Abramovic, I see her end the performance at exactly 5:30 PM. She lowers her head and begins to weep. I can only imagine the immense effort and strength required to sit for nearly eight hours straight.

On the second day I came to MoMA, I wanted to wait to sit with Abramovic. I was unsure of whether there was a formal line to sit with the artist, but I did take some time to sit outside of the giant square on the floor and observe. I was able to sit and watch for around twenty minutes until I became restless. At this point, I realized that I was likely too impatient to wait to sit with Abramovic.  This notion makes me wonder whether one of Abramovic’s goals with The Artist is Present is to make a statement on human patience and its rapid dissipation in the era of online social networking, text messaging, and Blackberrys.  Think about what normally happens when you make eye contact with another person.  You try to look away, because making such contact is perceived as uncomfortable and invasive.  The 1,000-plus visitors who have sat across from Abramovic faced a fear that many are not willing to face. Prolonged eye contact is intimate and honest, and Abramovic holds no fear of being either of those things.  Perhaps Abramovic’s efforts have touched me because of a yearning I’ve had for human connection, something I feel that I’ve been without since my best friend and lover chose to leave me. I often wonder when someone’s gaze will captivate mine again, when I will be able to share a happy silence with another once more. Even though I did not sit across from her, I think Abramovic gave me a small taste of this feeling and the hope that I will find it again.

Marina Abramovic performing "The Artist is Present".

At its conclusion, The Artist is Present will total over 700 hours of performance time, and will be Abramovic’s longest performance yet.  Despite my enjoying The Artist is Present, many people will not understand, or simply care what Abramovic is up to. On my first day witnessing Abramovic sitting in the MoMA atrium, an older southern woman approached my mother and me, saying “I don’t get it. Am I missing something?” I imagine that this would be the reaction of most people, though my mother kept asking, “Where the hell is she going to the bathroom?” I suppose that may be a valid question, but it was also obvious to me that Abramovic is super-human, and she likely can avoid the bathroom for several hours. Marina Abramovic is an artist who has made her life’s work about her body, and she can do things with her body that the majority of human beings either will never care to do or be able to do. She is an artist whose genius impressed upon me a woman deserving of the amazing retrospective hosted by MoMA.

The Artist is Present runs until May 31st, 2010 at the Museum of Modern Art in New York City.

Life Lessons: Don’t Drive Drunk

16 Mar

The other night one of my best friends and I happened to be in exactly the right place at the right time. Something or someone sent us to see something that will forever change some of the stupid, irresponsible shit we’ve done before.

Getting a DUI can and will ruin your life. Don't risk it.

At around 1:12 AM, we were approaching a very popular intersection in the city, heading toward Burger King for a late night snack. At the same time, we noticed a car speeding (around 60-70 mph in a 35 mph zone) down the lanes that run the opposite direction. The car struck a massive power line pole, which fell and struck the front end of the car. The car spun out at least 6 or 7 times, and debris flew everywhere. A power line was severed and sparking all over the street. Brooke pulled over to the side of the road and I pulled out my phone to call 911. The dispatcher asked me a lot of detailed questions and let me know that police were on the way. Eventually we made our way into the parking lot facing the accident and let a police officer know that we witnessed the accident. To make a long story short, we ended up waiting around for two hours until the police said we could go. We also ran into two acquaintances of some friends we had just been hanging out with before seeing the accident.

The driver is under suspicion of DUI, which makes sense due to the high speed and general reckless nature of the accident. Brooke and myself are simply lucky that the car didn’t cross the median, because we could have been very hurt. We took the time to think about what happened and how important it is for young people who enjoy going out for drinks to be more responsible. I will not go into too much detail, but we are hoping that this experience will change the minds about some people we know about driving after a night of partying. It’s not worth the risk of a DUI, injury, or death. If you’re going out in a group of friends, someone has to step up and be responsible. It’s only the right thing to do.

Learn Something New Today: Diastema

30 Jan

Lara Stone and her sexy diastema

The term diastema refers to the gap that is often present between an individual’s two front teeth. What most people fail to recognize is that a diastema is not “fixable” with braces. In order to close the gap between two front teeth, one must undergo surgery to cut away a piece of muscle that causes the teeth to be pushed apart. This is just too much effort. It is much more productive to admire your diastema in the mirror for a while and then call it a day.

I have a diastema, and I feel that it is one of the sexiest things anyone can have. I know what you may be thinking: “Is she crazy?”, “She must be afraid of dentists,” “Hillbilly!” I am sure that there must be a time when I did not like the space between my two front teeth, but I remember reading an article around the age of 13 that discussed how a person with a diastema is often a highly sexual being. This must have made me feel very grown up – I have no comment on whether this is true about myself. It should also be noted that Geoffrey Chaucer may have started this theory in Canterbury Tales when he described the “gap-toothed wife of Bath” – who also happened to be a very lustful woman. My gap adds character to my face – I would likely look like a completely different person if I were to close it. I also have professional reasons for not wanting to close my gap. I cannot stand perfect teeth on actors. If an actor is playing the role of an indigent, or a single mother of six, or a blue-collar worker fighting for labor rights, why the hell should they have perfect teeth? I have heard more than one acting teacher tell their students to never fix their teeth. You can bleach them if you want, and if your mouth isn’t full of rotting stumps, you’re likely good to go.

My biggest pet peeve is when others criticize you for things that you either A) cannot change or B) are unwilling to change about your physical appearance. If I had a dollar for every time someone asked why I didn’t want to close the gaps in my teeth, I would have enough money for Invisalign. But I would take that money and go on vacation instead. Other people’s teeth are none of our damn business. I hate how people are always commenting on Jewel’s teeth, when really, she one has one abnormal tooth. I find it empowering that she hasn’t succumbed to the wave of tooth perfection fetishism that has swept the country.

A gap between your two front teeth is so unbelievably sexy – when I think of a proper diastema, I think of Lauren Hutton, America’s first supermodel (Janice Dickinson was really not the first supermodel). Hutton has a stunning, impalpable beauty, yet she has a gap between her teeth. Yesterday, Jezebel posted a piece that stated because of the popularity of Anna Paquin and Lara Stone, women are asking to have the gap in their teeth recreated. If someone had told these women how cute their gap was in the first place, they wouldn’t have to spend thousands to get something they were born with!

Other celebrities rocking the diastema: Jorja Fox, Kate Moss, Sandra Bernhard, Prince Harry, Jennifer Hudson, Vanessa Paradis, Laurence Fishburne, Condoleeza Rice, Elton John, David Letterman, Bill Paxton, Laura San Giacomo, Paul Scheer, Maya Angelou, and Madonna (whose gap seems to have closed up – say it isn’t so, your Madgesty!).

If you have a diastema, take a look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I’m sexy.” Because you are, damnit! And never let anyone try to tell you otherwise. If they do, they’re nothing but a jealous lemming.