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Feminists Can Dance On Bars, Too. So There.

5 Jul

Let’s be honest – I’ve been cutting loose ever since the man I loved ripped my heart out of my chest, stomped all over it, and then set it on fire. The solution to this pain? Dancing in/on bars. I’ve realized that I’m a good dancer, and I will make no apologies for behavior that may be deemed “slutty,” “un-ladylike,” or “inappropriate”.

Last night, DJ Moe challenged 15 girls to dance on the bar, and whoever danced the longest would get two free shots. I just HAD to win. I was up there for a good 30 minutes and had made it into the top three girls. However, Moe decided to fail us all after he decided that it had gone on for too long. Hence, no free shots. But someone gave me some flowers:

Flowers from some guy.

Anyway, some people have tried to tell me that dancing on a bar is in opposition with my strong feminist views – these people have no idea what they’re talking about. To me, there is nothing more empowering than having the right to dance on a bar if I’d like to. Another person also said that a true feminist would not accept drinks purchased for her by men. Not so. You do not have to accept a drink from a man if you don’t want to talk to him/don’t think he’s attractive. That is also a right women have – I have not accepted drinks from every man who has offered me one.

I know it sounds lame, but one thing I’ve always wanted to do is go-go dance in a club and get paid for it. I love dancing, so why shouldn’t I get rewarded for it? Without much further ado, video of me dancing to a stereotypical bar song:

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Tell the Truth, Even if it Makes You Look Stupid

31 Mar

One of my biggest pet peeves is dishonesty. No one wants to be friends with, date, or generally know a liar. Liars suck. Liars especially suck when you are 1000% sure that they are lying. When you have evidence of their dishonesty, the work of a liar becomes an example of the worst of humanity’s failings.

Liars: they suck.

Scenario #1:

You’ve been dating someone for about 2-and-a-half years. Yes, that’s a long time. It’s a long distance relationship, but one party is planning to move back to the location of the other party at the conclusion of college. The one that isn’t finishing college has promised to help you move 2,000 miles across the country. The only issue that arises is that this person bullies you on the phone one night until you can’t handle it anymore, and you hang up on them after yelling, “F*** You”. You figure that you’ll let your little outburst blow over and then call to apologize. However, the very next day you get a corporate email from AT&T stating that the other person wants you off of their account. Yes, this is how they’ve chosen to break up with you. They also rescind their promise to help you move. Truly scummy. A decent person would still help you if they have respect for you as a person. This person isn’t decent, and it’s a shock, since you’ve basically wasted 2.5 years of your precious earth time with them. You also find out that they’ve been eyeing another person for a while now. They contact/booty call this other person THE SAME DAY they break up with you. And then they lie about it every time you confront them about it.

Solution:

Look, if you want to date someone else, man up and tell me about it. It will hurt a lot less in the long run. Plus, you’ll look like less of an idiot. As one friend put it:

Even if nothing happened between them until after you two broke up, then he should have had the balls to tell you that one of the reasons he broke up with you was because he was interested in someone else.

Well said, friend. Well said.

Scenario #2:

You’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks. However, he’s going away for a long time and you’re not sure whether you can handle keeping in touch for so long. (The long distance thing is quite tedious, and after Scenario #1, you probably will never do it again.) You would like to keep in touch on Skype and possibly send him home-baked cookies. He leaves and you give him a note with your email address. You find out ten days later that this person is engaged to be married to a completely different person in a completely different state. You’re clearly not the one who’s being played, but you are being used, even if it is in a minimal way. And your feelings have been hurt, because for whatever reason, you started having feelings for someone who turned out to be a liar. It happens to the best of us.

Solution:

Um, I don’t know. Maybe tell people that you’re ENGAGED. That shouldn’t be a big secret. And if it is, you shouldn’t be getting married to begin with. You’d make a terrible spouse anyway. You’re a liar, a cheater, and a little bit fat (in this specific case, the liar was slightly rotund). You fail. Thanks for playing.

There you have it. Two examples of why lying is such poor form. How do you avoid liars? You’d probably have to become a hermit. Liars are everywhere. You just have to learn how to spot them sooner.

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Two Thoughts on the Superbowl: Neither Involves Chicken Wings

5 Feb

The annual gathering of face-painted super fans watching large men bump into each other, also known as the Superbowl, is this Sunday in Miami. I have two thoughts on America’s biggest man-flesh fest:

Scott Fujita

1. I hope the Saints win. It’s not that I really know or care about stats, or that I have something against Peyton Manning, but I want the Saints to win simply due to the existence of Saints linebacker Scott Fujita.  The man has spoken in favor of abortion and gay rights, and he has a BA in political science and an MA in education. This guy is the unicorn of professional athletes. I am sure that many other prominent athletes share similar opinions, but Fujita gets points for actually opening his mouth and not being afraid to do so. Also, someone called him “a pinko communist fag from Berkeley”, and he doesn’t care. I’ve been called a pinko commie many a time, so I relate to him on a personal level. Go, Saints!!! (NY Times)

Tim Tebow

2. Tim Tebow, quarterback for the Florida Gators and avid painter of Bible scripture on his cheeks, is set to appear in two anti-abortion ads during the Superbowl. Where do I begin? First, the ads are sponsored by Focus on the Family, a Christian organization based in Colorado Springs, where I grew up. I could go on and on about Focus on the Family being a horrible, hateful organization, but that would waste my valuable time. Second, my problem is not with Tim Tebow. My problem stems from the misunderstanding Tebow seems to have about his very own “personal” connection to abortion. In 1987, a doctor advised Tim Tebow’s mother, Pam, that her fifth pregnancy carried extreme risk and was a possible threat to her life. She chose to carry Tim to full term. Let’s review: a doctor advised Mrs. Tebow of the risk associated with her pregnancy, Mrs. Tebow weighed her options, and chose to remain pregnant. Mrs. Tebow was given a choice. This is the key to a woman’s right to choose for herself what she will do to her body. However, Tim and his mother are taking a stance against the very choice that Pam Tebow had. This is hypocrisy at its most salient. Leave the pro-life stance behind at the Superbowl. The Superbowl is not meant to serve as a vessel for bigotry! It’s an American event, and I want to see neutral commercials for great American things like Doritos, Pepsi, and Cadillacs!

UPDATE: Someone attempted to leave a comment that said, and I quote: “Only anti-aboortionists know more than God.” Are you kidding me!?! Anyone who claims to be omnipotent in any way, shape, or form is insane. This comment was not approved due to hearsay.

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The Average American?

23 Jan
President Barack Obama

I am writing today in response to a question put forth by Jarred Rego, host of “The Jarred Rego Show” on Colorado Springs 740 KVOR.  Today Jarred asked his listeners whether they felt that Barack Obama could relate to the “average American”.  I called in with a bevy of facts and quotes at the ready. However, my call was not answered in time and I remained on hold for upwards of twelve minutes. Due to this mishap that I suspect could be a mishandling of calls, I will reassemble my argument here. 

 Jarred, what exactly constitutes the “average” American?  On your show today you implied that Barack Obama is an elitist simply due to the location of his upbringing: Hawaii. You asked, “I’ve never been to Hawaii. Have you guys ever been to Hawaii?”  By portraying the state of Hawaii as an exotic vacation destination (which to only a certain extent, it is), you are completely marginalizing facts about Hawaii that the “average” American will remain unaware of. I feel that your argument boils down to the claim that Barack Obama is an elitist who was fed liberal-Marxist propaganda due to his educational background.  

Do you want to know about the public education system in Hawaii? Only 21% of 8th grade students are proficient in math; a similar 20% figure accounts for proficiency in reading. In 2003, Hawaii’s public elementary schools ranked 44th out of 50 states on the Nation’s Report Card. In 2009, the Hawai’i Department of Education slashed the yearly number of instructional days from 180 to 163, which is the least amount of instructional days anywhere in the U.S. You may also want to note that the poverty rate in Hawaii is 10.4%, which places the state as 27th in poverty rankings.  The per capita income of Hawaii ranks 40th in the U.S. Hawaii is not a state composed of only the wealthy.  It is also vital to note that 73% of Hawaii’s population is non-white, and many of these persons are of indigenous origin to the Hawaiian islands.  

Students in Hawaii are not receiving the best education they can, but Barack Obama had the support of a family who wished for him to succeed. He attended a private preparatory college in Hawaii.  This is the key to Barack Obama’s success. We live in a country in which your education will either lead to amazing opportunity or massive failure. Even though there are many people who are successful without a college education, the idea that a college education is integral to success in America is poisoning mainstream ideals. Barack Obama chose success.  

I feel that I can comfortably state that I can relate to the “average” American. I can also relate to Barack Obama. My maternal grandparents arrived in the U.S. in the 1930’s as children from Cuba and Puerto Rico. By no means do I come from a lengthy line of wealthy people; my grandfather worked as a longshoreman on the docks of the East River and my grandmother worked as a cleaning woman.  

I know that the success I have had so far in life is due to the sacrifice of my grandparents and parents. My father grew up in an impoverished segment of Williamsburg, Brooklyn, while my mother lived in the projects of the Bronx.  My mother dropped out of college in the 1970’s to pay for an operation that my older brother desperately needed.  

However, each of my parents performed very well in school and were able to recognize that the best future for both myself and my sister was not in the New York City public school system. I know what it feels like to have to see your parents choose between which bills to pay for the month. I know what struggling truly is. I also recognize the great fortune that has been bestowed upon me in this life. Not only do I hold two degrees from one of the greatest universities in the world, but I also have the opportunity to achieve whatever it is I choose. There are people in America who will never dream of the things I have achieved in only a short 22 years. Is my success due to my racial background? (I am 1/8th African-American, if you must know.) Is my success due to my having a uterus? Is my success due to being raised in Colorado? There is not one factor that can be pinpointed as the source of my achievement. Do not single out Barack Obama’s home state of Hawaii as the source of his success. Most importantly, do not patronize Barack Obama for being a good student.  

As Nathaniel Hawthorne once scribed, “families are always rising and falling in America.” Barack Obama happened to catch a large tide. Do not assume anything about an individual’s background or upbringing.  

I ask you this question: Do you relate to the “average” American? And who is the “average” American?

UPDATE: Jarred Rego responded in the comments below but failed to answer any of my posed questions. How convenient of him.

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Break Me Off A Piece of That…Scott Brown

21 Jan

This week, Scott Brown made history by becoming the first Republican senator elected from Massachusetts in nearly forty years. He also made history in 1982 by appearing in a semi-nude centerfold in Cosmopolitan. Sassy! And check out his sweater-over-the-shoulder-beach-strut in the bottom right corner. Tres Cape Cod.    

Brown has continued his oh-so-sensual antics by announcing to the world that his daughters, Ayla and Arianna, are “available”. Jump over to Jezebel to see some genuine awkwardness ensue. It got even worse when Brown pointed out that Arianna is “definitely is not available, but Ayla is.” Hopefully this is simply a case of an embarrassing Dad, and not a big pimpin’ situation about to go wrong.    

A real query remains: should we trust a man whose wrist covers the entirety of his junk?    

Massachusetts Senator-Elect Scott Brown

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Stuart Cobb: The Biggest Idiot I Know (At Least for Today)

21 Jan

I attended high school with the author of  a horrendously written “article” that is circulating the internet as an example of  the worst in college male misogynistic tendencies.  Stuart Cobb, a fool who lives up to the idiocy of being named  Stuart and born after 1954, wrote an entry for his recurring column (“Fancy That”) titled: “Seven women you meet at DU.”  I should preface my ribbing of Stuart’s awful work with the interesting coincidence that only two weeks before this piece found its way on one of my favorite blogs, Jezebel, that I had the displeasure of encountering Cobb at a friend’s house.

As a discussion emerged, we somehow landed on the topic of debutante balls. Stuart is an admitted guzzler of all things imbued with alcohol, and a womanizer who claims that he now has a girlfriend. I pity that poor girl, if she exists. I questioned Mr. Cobb on whether debutante balls are necessary in today’s world. His response: “I don’t know. You get free alcohol.”  I further pressed Cobb on how the female candidates are chosen for our area’s debutante balls.  Response: ‘Well, you know, they all come from families that have contributed a lot to the community. Mostly the Fine Arts Center.”  This was a terrible answer.  Multi-million dollar donations sustain the Fine Arts Center, and if these families wish to contribute to something worthwhile, perhaps they should look to give money to the homeless shelters around town and somehow contribute to the elimination of the growing tent cities that pepper the streets surrounding said Fine Arts Center. I made a final suggestion to Stuart: “Perhaps they should give their money to battered women.” Stuart’s response: “Whatever. I like the free booze and watching girls pass out when their dresses are too tight.”

That is a portrait of Stuart Cobb, the same author of an “opinion” piece entitled “Seven women you meet at DU.”  Stuart, without giving him any credit, made a shortlist of  stereotypes of college women. It is not the wording of Stuart’s “writing” that is offensive; it is the simple audacity that the author of such bullshit could believe that he is being completely original, when this is done over and over again (See: Tucker Max). Stuart Cobb is a completely self-assured dipshit. He knows that he’s a jerk, and he just doesn’t care.

On Saturday, The Clarion published a completely u letter of apology from Stuart.  This can only be a last-ditch effort for Stuart to somehow salvage a writing career from the damage he has caused – perhaps Stu will compile the auto sale listings for a third-tier paper in the midwest.  In this letter, Stuart claims that his plan all along was to write a similar list of the “Seven men you meet at DU.” I do not believe this for a damn milli-vanilli second. Stuart has a history of misogynistic writing under his belt – a trend that began when he wrote for the Cheyenne Mountain High School Chieftain.  Why would a young man so full of himself even dare to claim such an asinine intention? Stuart is glib and ignorant of the impact that words can have.

Only two days ago, Stuart issued another letter of apology that contained a resignation from his post as an opinion columnist for The Clarion.  Stuart is a senior.  He’s already had over three years to fill the student newspaper with his trash writing.  It hardly matters that he will no longer write during his last semester at DU.  It does matter, however, if Stuart miraculously stumbles upon a position at a legitimate journalistic source. Editors of the free world – do not hire Stuart Cobb. Not only is his writing sub par, but he will also offend women and men alike. There is one winner in this situation: Tucker Max has found a new bro.

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