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Ray J’s “I Hit It First”: An Analysis of the Worst Thing Ever Created

29 Apr

Can you name a song by Ray J? Do you remember who Ray J is? Perhaps you recall Brandy, Ray J’s more successful and older sister. She was the one who sang “The Boy is Mine” with Monica back in the 90’s. Unfortunately for Ray J, many people do not know him for his music, but for his parlaying into reality television when he “looked for love” on the VH1 show For the Love of Ray J. He also had a song a couple years back that was sort of a hit (“Sexy Can I”).

This album cover. Blah.

This album cover. Blah.

The thing Ray J is most famous for is his sex tape with Kin Kardashian, and boy, does he want us to remember that.  Ray J’s latest song, “I Hit it First” is a simple tune that allows him to brag about banging out Kim before she ended up with Kris Humphries of the Brooklyn Nets and Kanye West, of well, being Kanye West.

This song is so mind-blowingly awful that it bends all rules of awfulness and really just leaves anyone listening to it to want to be deaf. The lyrics are the work of a true imbecile. Here, a sampling:

She might move on to rappers and ballplayers
But we all know I hit it first
I hop in the club and boppers show love, and I don’t even put in work
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first
I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it, I hit it first

Yikes. Hold on, it gets much worse. I give you the first verse:
I had her head going north and her ass going south
But now baby chose to go West
We deep in the building she know that I kill ’em
I know that I hit it the best
Candles lit with that wine, money still on my mind
And I gave her that really bomb sex
No matter where she goes or who she knows
She still belongs in my bed
Going hard in the streets, mobbin with my homies
Sippin’ on good, blowin’ on OG
Me and ghost sittin’ clean with the matching rollie
I did that first so everybody know me

Hmm. “her head going north and her ass going south”? This could mean so many things.  Ray J is a true poet.

You can listen to the full song on SoundCloud:

“No matter where she goes or who she knows / She still belongs in my bed”. Ray J wants Kim back in his bed. Let’s be honest – he wants to be famous for something again. The only thing that ever made him slightly famous at all. Doing Kim Kardashian. Yawn.

The fact that Ray J thinks this an appropriate song to release as a single is just weird. Plus, the album cover is a lame attempt at referencing the cover of Kanye West’s masterpiece, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.  It’s a blurred photo of Kim Kardashian in her bikini, strolling down the beach.

Ray J has always been a mediocre singer and this song cements this fact. “I Hit It First” – the worst thing ever created.

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Is Jon Hamm’s Penis the Greatest Troll in the History of Trolling?

27 Mar
Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm on the cover of Rolling Stone.

Jon Hamm is a man. A man with a penis. A penis so glorious in its perceived girth and length that its all the Internets can talk about lately. It’s caused traffic jams and wars and endless water cooler talk.  People cannot get enough of Jon Hamm’s penis. Except for Jon Hamm. Despite the feverish obsession of late, Jon is not too pleased about the conversation about his equipment. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Hamm tells everyone that his privates are private for a reason and that he wishes everyone would stop talking about it. Really, Jon? Then why do you insist on going commando in public? Surely Hamm makes some sense, in the vein that not everyone likes to have their body parts talked about by others, but really, Jon Hamm is an idol. Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. This is nothing new in the world of celebrity. Jon Hamm is a gloriously handsome man and a great actor. Why not talk about his penis?

And now, photographic evidence of whatever is happening in Jon Hamm’s pants.

May I present exhibit A:

Just strolling.

Okay, WTF? What does he think people will be saying when they see a picture like this? He knows he is famous. He knows he will be photographed on the street. Perhaps he knows what we will be seeing.

Exhibit B:

From VH1.com

Jon Hamm – not wearing a cup.

Jon decided to play baseball while going commando. As a person who has known ball players, the first rule is to always wear a cup. Something could have gone horribly wrong for him on the field. And yet, he still chose to go cup-less. Are you people seeing what I’m seeing?

Is Jon Hamm trolling people with his equipment? Meh, who knows. Maybe he really is that clueless about what he has going on down below. Perhaps Hamm’s manhood is the life equivalent of Dr. Drew Baird, unwittingly succeeding in all that it does.

Just in case I one day get to meet Jon Hamm, I hope he never reads this and/or finds out that I am crazy enough to write about his “privates”. Or do I?

Fixed Air Live-Blogs the 85th Annual Academy Awards

24 Feb

It was a last-minute decision to live-blog this year’s Academy Awards…stay tuned for Oscars fun starting in less than ten minutes!!!

2013 Academy Awards

Seth Macfarlane is hosting this evening, and it appears that tonight’s show will be a musical mish-mash, which could either be awesome or absolutely terrifying!  Let us see what unfolds…

6:30 PM MST: And it begins…Seth macfarlane emerges amid applause…Robert Downey Jr. is not amused, natch. God, Seth Macfarlane has such an amazing voice. Why hasn’t he done this before?

Uh-oh….the Oscars have a theme this year…music in film. This could be bad.

Seth Macfarlane is not a stand up comedian, this was a very interesting choice.

6:33 PM MST: Ugh, the first moment of praise directed totally at Daniel Day-Lewis. Ha, a slavery joke. Blah.

6:34 PM MST: Ugh, a Chris Brown and Rihanna joke. They waited four years, so whatever.

6:36 PM MST: Jeebus.  Now we are seeing a meta version of a song about seeing different boobs in movies. I am already over it. “We saw your boobs!” How creative. Someone fire Bruce Villanch now.

6:39 PM MST: Ick, a musical number with Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron? I don’t understand.  They can both dance though, so I approve. Also, Seth can really sing! Look at him!

6:42 PM MST: Now Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe are singing and dancing onstage. I just don’t understand anymore.

6:48 PM MST: It’s time for Best Supporting Actor!!! It’s between Alan Arkin (Argo), Robert DeNiro (Silver Linings Playbook), Philip Seymour Hoffman (The Master), Tommy Lee Jones (Lincoln), Christoph Waltz (Django Unchained)

6:50 PM MST: WOOO!!!! I love Christoph Waltz!!! You go, Christoph!

7:07 PM MST: A gaggle of handsome men onstage to present Best Cinematography: RDJ, Jeremy Renner, Mark Ruffalo, one of the Hemsworth brothers? Can’t really tell.

Winner: Life of Pi

7:23 PM MST: James Bond montage. Yawn. Time for another glass of wine.

7:54 PM MST: Okay,so didn’t Catherine Zeta-Jones sing this at the Oscars ten years ago? I’m confused.

8:22 PM MST: Anne Hathaway wins Best Supporting Actress! Yawn. (Dave’s comment: “She looks like the kid from Stand By Me.”)

8:35 PM MST: Adele is so amazing!!! Love her! “Let the sky fallllll, and it crumbullllssss….”

8:57 PM MST: Finally, everyone’s favorite moment: the In Memoriam montage.

I got kind of distracted by the goings-on in my home at the tail end of this thing.  I am happy that Jennifer Lawrence won and a bit annoyed that Daniel Day-Lewis won for a role that appeared much less complicated than that of Bill the Butcher, for which he los the Oscar several years ago.

Argo was a pretty good film, although I thought Zero Dark Thirty could have swooped in and taken Best Picture.  Ben Affleck has come a long way since selling his dignity and a bit of his soul during those “Bennifer” years. Good for him!

Until next time…

Things That Will Break Your Heart: Chris Arnade’s Faces of Addiction

10 Feb
Prince spends his time salvaging scrap metal.

Prince spends his time salvaging scrap metal to get money for heroin.

The other day I stumbled upon a Jezebel article detailing an ongoing photo essay by Chris Arnade, called “Faces of Addiction”.  Viewing this photo essay should be mandatory for everyone, especially spoiled millenials who think that their lives are terrible. Looking through this photo series made me realize how incredibly lucky I am to have lived my life. Really, I have nothing to whine about at all. I’ve been blessed with so many amazing things: a solid mind, a world-class education, writing ability, attractive looks, designer clothes, trips, meals at nice restaurants, etc. I am blessed in every aspect of my life.  Unfortunately, as the internet and various social media networks prove, whining about anything and everything is the new marker of a narcissistic and selfish society.

Here are some examples of things that people often believe are real problems, when in fact, they are not:

“I cracked the glass on my iPhone!”

“Why is Starbucks out of bacon breakfast sandwiches this morning?”

“OMG! Why is the N train out of service on a Saturday night? Now I’ll never make it to that beer garden at a decent hour!”

“Dave Matthews isn’t coming to my city this year! WTF!”

People, these are not problems. After reading through a bit of “Faces of Addiction,” you will learn what actual problems are.  “Faces of Addiction” chronicles the lives of drug addicts and prostitutes in Hunts Point, Bronx.  For those of you who are not familiar with New York City, Hunts Point is the poorest neighborhood in all of New York City. Heroin plagues the neighborhood, ripping a cruel path of utter destruction in its streets.

Many of Mr. Arnade’s subjects have been addicted to heroin for years, if not decades.  Their faces show an indescribable sadness, eyes peering from behind weathered masks of who they were.  Sonya, who told her story to Arnade, gave up her family and stable life in Rhode Island to move to Hunts Point with a man who introduced her to heroin. Her description of what her life is like now is chillingly paradoxical: “I am happier in some ways than I’ve ever been in my life. But I’ve lost so many things. I want to get out of my addiction but in some ways it’s made me grow a lot. And I think I know now how to live more than I ever have.” Prince is a young man who suffered sexual abuse as a child. He is the oldest of seventeen children, and he spends much of his time scrounging the streets of Hunts Point for scrap metal, using what little money he gets to buy heroin. Arnade noted how positive Prince was, in spite of the life he leads.  Prince graduated high school and states that he hopes to finish college as well. Prince’s photo shows a young man dragging an air conditioner behind him, the composition of the photo offset by the bright colors of a graffitied wall.

Sonya, brought to the edge of addiction by a man named Erik.

Sonya, brought to the edge of addiction by a man named Erik.

Perhaps the most gut-wrenching stories (for me, at least) are those of women who were sexually abused from a very young age and thrust into a life of pain, addiction, and sex work through no fault of their own.  Egpyt’s story especially affected me. Raped by her own father since the age of three, Egypt tells Mr. Arnade that the only man who never treated her badly was God.  For someone who’s been treated so badly her entire life to still have some semblance of faith is simply amazing to me.

Egypt, a longtime victim of men.

Egypt, a longtime victim of men.

Arnade’s photo essay is a must-read for anyone who’s ever passed by a junkie or prostitute in the streets of New York, or any large city for that matter, and wondered what brought them to that moment in their lives.  We tend to go through life glibly, not realizing just how great many of us have it.  Chris Arnade’s message is a much-needed revelation in such selfish times.  If you can look through these photos without wincing, or almost shedding tears, then your heart simply needs some work.

Rob Gronkowski’s Pants & Other Places I Want to Be in 2013

10 Dec

It’s time for some light fare around these parts. 2012 is almost over and a lot of silly people think the world is ending in just about two weeks.  Well, it won’t. In fact, the world will likely be in existence until at least the year 3050, when the earth will effectively become uninhabitable due to excess carbon dioxide. Whew, dodged that bullet! In the mean time, let’s talk about goals for 2013. No, not New Year’s Resolutions, but a list of things and/or places that will be goals of mine in 2013. Where do I see myself next year? Here’s a sampling:

1. Las Vegas

I haven’t been to Las Vegas since I was ten years old. That’s just pathetic. I’d like to do something that needs to be left there.

2. Bruges

A few years ago I saw the movie In Bruges. Needless to say, it changed my life. I’m long overdue for a Europe trip and Bruges has some huge music festival I would like to attend.

Bruges

3. Whole Foods

Last year I discovered this amazing out of the way grocery store in New York City. Have you heard of it? I need to eat healthier in 2013, and if this involves eating the stuff they pass off as health food in Whole Foods, then that works for me.

4. Rob Gronkowski’s pants

We must discuss Rob Gronkowski.  How did he get to look the way he does? Amirite? This guy can probably toss ladies around in bed like the footballs he catches ever so gracefully…

Look at that bulge.

Look at that bulge.

5. Los Angeles

I’m moving there. I have a television pilot to shoot and dreams to fulfill.

6. Blake Griffin’s pants

This is the first person whose pants I will be seeking out when I arrive in LA.

7. A Bikram Yoga Class

Time to sweat out the sins of the last year.

8. A Scary Truck Stop Somewhere in Nevada

I imagine that I will stop at one of these on my drive to LA.

9. Rihanna’s Party Yacht

I really think that Rihanna and I could be best friends. We both like designer clothes, drugs, and doin’ it. Of course I would take a position as a waitress on her yacht, but that doesn’t mean we couldn’t still be besties…right?

10. Joe Biden’s Favorite Sunglass Hut Location

This man wears his sunglasses well. I want to be there when he picks out his latest pair of aviators. Also, I want to sit on his lap just like this lady.

Joe Biden Lap

From the Washington Post.

People Complaining About Working on Thanksgiving/Black Friday Need Some Cheese With Their Wine

22 Nov

Last week I received an email from Change.org, a website that hosts petitions for (usually) great causes. However, last week’s petition reeked of what I like to call “first world problems.”  A woman who works at Target, Casey St. Clair, began the petition in order to prevent workers from having to work beginning at 9 PM on Thanksgiving Day.  This is a screenshot of the generic petition people are signing:

Change.org Petition

This petition is annoying in many ways, the first and most obvious example being the number of people who are unemployed in this country and would likely jump at the chance to work a minimum wage retail job at Target.  Second, what about all of the other workers who never get a day off? This includes restaurant workers (I worked the last two Thanksgivings at a restaurant myself), police officers, firemen, military, and many other people who do not get holidays off.  Third, have these people never worked retail before choosing to work at Target (actually, perhaps Target chose them)? Retail is one of the most annoying, physically painful, inconvenient, high stress jobs that anyone could ever imagine. I worked at American Eagle Outfitters for six years.  Thankfully I have not worked retail since my first few months out of college, but I definitely identify with the woes of having to work holidays.

However, in spite of how much working retail sucks, I learned many years ago to never bite the hand that feeds you.  The people you see on the news whining about having to work on Thanksgiving and Black Friday will likely not be employed come New Year’s. What people do not realize is that employment, in many states, is deemed “at will,” meaning that employers can let you go at any time without telling you why. People need to be more aware of these laws and how they conduct themselves while not at work, especially in these times of an encroaching social media panopticon.

Another issue contributing to the increasing disgruntlement amongst retail workers is the very odd sense of entitlement displayed by young people today, especially young people who chose to not apply themselves in school or attempt a professional degree, with the expectations that they’d be the next Hannah Montana or Justin Bieber. In the last decade or so, the sense of entitlement of young people in regards to where they should work or how much money they should make, or what kind of car they should drive has skyrocketed to levels of unbearable annoyance.  Not everyone can be on Rich Kids of Instagram.  I am not impressed when you post a photograph of thirty or so twenty dollar bills.  Yes, someone I know actually did that.

The core of the matter in this instance is the fact that people need to learn to be more grateful for the things they have rather than the things they don’t have.  Employment, a paycheck, and a roof over one’s head are all things to be grateful for.  If you have to work retail and you hate it so much, then try something else.  Hundreds of people will be happy to fill your shoes.

This message is brought to you by post-Thanksgiving indigestion.

The Elephant in the Nation: Why People Are Not Voting for Barack Obama

30 Oct

Many people will not vote for Barack Obama because he is black.  This was true in 2008 and it feels even more salient this year.  Perusing social media and noting the various reactions to the campaign make it clear that Mr. Obama faces challenges that should not even be at issue. He cannot help the color of his skin.

The fact that people are still questioning whether the President was born in the United States is unfathomable; no President has ever been under such scrutiny before. I have already said it, but will say it once more – it is only due to the fact that Barack Hussein Obama is black.

Never mind the fact that Mr. Obama champions the rights of women, minorities, and the LGBTQ community. Let us all focus on the fact that he is simply a few shades darker than his opponent, the shockingly incompetent Mitt Romney.

If any individual capable of critical thinking watched the three Presidential and only Vice Presidential debates, one thing should be terrifyingly clear: Mitt Romney does not have a plan. Romney has very little concern for issues related to women’s reproductive rights, the right for all people to marry whomever they love, the right to an affordable education. Romney’s stance on foreign policy, which appeared to impress many Republicans, was at best an attempt to simply repeat Mr. Obama’s answers while inverting particular words, all the while attempting to steer the topic back toward the economy.  And never mind healthcare – Mr. Romney thinks that an emergency room is the best place to go when you fall ill. This disgusting, out-of-touch and elitist attitude is being licked up like the nectar of Dionysus by many Americans.  This is terrifying. As an American, woman, and Latina, my heart weighs heavy with the thought of a Romney presidency. November 7th will either be a great day for America or one of the worst in history.

What is it that so many Americans claim to dislike about our President? Is it his policies or simply his background? As far as policies, Obama faces the most criticism for his desire to enact universal healthcare for all Americans.  Obamacare, as it is called, is the new red herring of our time.  Senator Joseph McCarthy would be having a field day if he lived in these times, surely calling every politician in favor of universal healthcare a Communist Pinko. However, universal healthcare is a standard in most other leading nations in the world, including Canada, England, France, Spain, and Argentina, among many more.  Otto von Bismarck, the first Chancellor of the German Empire, is credited with establishing a universal healthcare system in Germany in 1883 with the passage of the Health Insurance Bill. For those unfamiliar with German history, Adolf Hitler is often incorrectly pointed to as the source of such programs by the GOP, simply because he was a fascist. And let us not forget how the Republicans adore comparing Democrats (incorrectly, natch) to fascists. How simple it is for them.

Perhaps if education were up to appropriate standards, defining communism would not be difficult for many Americans.  Let us not forget that the United States ranks 31st in the world in K-12 education, 31st in mathematics, and 23rd in science. China is first in both science and mathematics.  For people who seem so concerned with the encroaching power of China, this country continually lacks the interest in upping the standards for education, and funding for schools and the salaries of teachers continues to vaporize. Currently, Great Britain, Japan, and Germany are the top-ranked nations in the world for education. Is it not fascinating how the country we once rebelled against continues to outperform us in this way? Barack Obama believes in the power of education to allow any American to achieve great things. Mr. Obama supports the continuation of Pell grants (Mr. Romney does not), which allow for the poorest students to receive education funding, the continuation of low-interest Federal student loans for millions of students who need them, and increasing standards in all American classrooms.  Mr. Obama is a product of what a good education can do for any American.  What is truly sad is when people like Donald Trump demand to see Mr. Obama’s college transcripts.  Not only would this prove that Mr. Obama was an excellent scholar, but it would also show the stupidity leading the GOP. I am sure if Mr. Obama’s transcripts revealed an “A” in a topic like World History that he’d be deemed a communist for even knowing about other countries. This is a society where ignorance is a celebrated quality and intellectuals face criticism for beng “elitists”.

What of women and their rights? Mitt Romney guarantees that he will dismantle Planned Parenthood. Millions of women depend on Planned Parenthood not only for reproductive health, but for basic healthcare needs.  Women without insurance are able to go to Planned Parenthood for physicals and checkups if need be. And what of the right to an abortion, especially in cases of rape? Essentially, if the Romney/Ryan ticket wins, women will face the dangers of Roe v. Wade being overturned by the Supreme Court.  Romney and Ryan have been consistently inconsistent with their opinions on the reproductive rights of women, and the fact that some Republican politicians are even questioning how one defines rape is disgusting. As President Obama accurately and admirably stated, rape is rape. Women have fought for years in this nation for valuable rights that could disappear in an instant next week. If you are a woman, your vote will count toward your physical autonomy and well-being – please choose wisely. Women should also consider the magnitude of President Obama signing the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act into law in 2009.  This historic act shows President Obama’s interest in the plight of women in the U.S. Mr. Obama will continue to place the interests of women in a high spot. Do not discount this when you step into the voting booth.

Also keep in mind that Mr. Obama is in support of the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act, which currently defines marriage as an institution that takes place between one man and one woman. Instead, Mr. Obama supports the Respect for Marriage Act, which would recognize the legality of same-sex marriages. Naturally, the GOP cannot stand for this, and in their eyes, Mr. Obama must be stopped. It is amazing how our nation is in conflict regarding basic civil rights that are recognized by many other nations. Mr. Obama’s forward-thinking attitude and willingness to fight for the defenseless is highly admirable.

Finally, there is the issue of the economy.  Mr. Obama inherited an economy ravaged by policies passed by the GOP. If any President can be held accountable for the economy, it is George W. Bush, who enacted numerous tax cuts that benefitted all Americans yet inflated the national debt by $4.08 trillion, or approximately 40.8% from the years 2001 through 2007.  Naturally, Republican supporters thought nothing of these precarious tax cuts when they continued to receive their child tax credits or other tax credits that kept them afloat in these years.  However, now that the distrustful Kenyan is in office, it is all his fault that the ravaged economy is not magically fixed in four short years.  In spite of inheriting one of the worst economic landscapes of all time, Mr. Obama has kept the economy afloat.  In remembering that Mr. Bush advocated an Ownership Society, in which home ownership was the cornerstone for the entirety of the 2000s, one may note that the essential failure of the economy was the failure of sub-prime mortgages and the inability of the Bush administration to regulate the companies who were lending them to most everyone. These facts are conveniently lost to history, and Mr. Obama continues to bear the brunt of the blame for the flailing economy.  President Obama wishes to raise taxes on the wealthy and keep them the same for the middle and lower classes, something that has never crossed the mind of Romney, whose tax policy, which has no named numbers, resembles something of Reagan’s trickle-down policies that were in effect during the Cold War. Trickle-down economics is the practice of lowering taxes for the wealthy with the belief that it will benefit poor members of society. Simply put, it does not work.  Mr. Romney, who apparently paid only a paltry 13.9% in taxes on his income of $20.9 million, seems to think otherwise. This is less than the tax rate of the middle class, with those making between $36,000 and $86,000 paying 25% in taxes. How is that even legal? This fact is a major red flag that many are choosing to ignore simply due to a lack of support for Mr. Obama because he people view him as “un-American,” “communist”, and “socialist”.

What I believe truly bothers many Americans (at least those with half a brain), is how President Barack Obama stands for the interests of  what is often termed the other in many a liberal arts settings; this otherness is represented in the form of loving someone of your same-sex, possessing a uterus, or appearing ethnic in any way.  The problem is that what the Republicans still consider the other, is now the mainstream.  The United States is diversifying at a rapid pace, and Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan have no use for women, homosexuals, blacks, or Latinos, among others.  They do not care if you vote for them. Why? Because they possess the audacity to believe that an election may be purchased.

Do not give them the pleasure of thinking that a suitcase full of money can buy the highest office in the land; Romney and Ryan are holding a gun to the temple of Lady Liberty and threatening to pull the trigger. Do not become one of their fatalities.  Why is no one questioning the supposed amazing “arithmetic” of their economic plans? Why is no one asking about their real plans for Social Security, Medicare, and countless other essential government programs? Why is no one questioning the fact that Mr. Romney appears to have no real grasp on foreign policy issues pertinent to these volatile times?

Who are Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan and what do they stand for? Well, they’re just educated, upper-class, Christian, American white men. What harm could they do? Certainly no more than the formerly middle class, educated, Christian, American black man whom we call Mr. President. Racism is alive in well in America; do not let it win on November 6th.

The author of Fixed Air officially endorses Barack Obama for reelection.

Book Deals Are Like Penises: I Don’t Have One, and that Makes Me Sad Sometimes.

10 Oct

No, this entry is not about my desire to be a man.  This serves more as a platform for me lamenting my seeming lack of achievement in the literary world thus far.  It seems like every young blogger or tweeter or tumblrer is getting a book deal these days. Books. You know, those things people don’t read anymore because they can’t sell them in any place but Barnes and Noble. Which is a bookstore. There used to be another one of its kind, called Borders.

No?

Nevermind.

Young Emma Koenig has a book based on her Tumblr, “Fuck! I’m in My 20’s!” Christian Lander got a book deal after starting ‘Stuff White People Like,” a personal favorite of mine. Even Hannah Horvath has a book deal now! Sigh.

What makes a blog so intriguing that it ends up deserving its own book? I totally understand SWPL, but it was “Fuck! I’m in My 20s!” that made me more befuddled. As I kept clicking through the pages of “Fuck! I’m in my twenties!” I kept wondering, what the hell is so bad about being in your twenties? It’s an amazing time of self-exploration, of deciding what to do, where to live, and who to date. What can possibly be all that bad? Moments of self-doubt, worry, and sadness will surely come and go, but I doubt that those things magically stop when the clock strikes 30.

If there is one thing I have learned from being a young professional in the legal field, it’s that having a penis will take you far in your career.  At least I can buy a penis if I wanted one. Money cannot buy a book deal. Or can it? [Insert obligatory comment on the unfairness of nepostism here.] Either way, I do have several ideas for books I plan on writing, hopefully before the sand in the hourglass runs down to the final grain.

Also getting a book deal is voice of a generation Lena Dunham, whose $3.5 million deal with Random House probably breaks some sort of record.  I really like Lena Dunham, but at the same time, I kind of hate her. I was simply born to the wrong family, or I did something wrong in a past life. Even though her parents are artists that many people have never heard of, they likely know people who know people who fuck people who know people. It’s all who you know. I need to know more people. Where do people who know people congregate?  I would like to find this place and write a brilliant expose on the truth about nepotism for Gawker. This will happen.

Anywho, I am using this entry to announce that I will be beginning work on on a book titled I’m Not Lena Dunham and Other Mistakes I Made Thus Far in Life.  This book is forthcoming from the shoddy copier in my office and will be printed whenever my boss is on vacation. There will be chapters about sex. Please buy it, or at least pick up the tear-soaked copies that will eventually be left on the tables of every Starbucks west of the Mississippi. I have a plan, bitches. But I don’t have a peen.

Oxymorons in the Year 2012: “Young Republican”

25 Aug

Ah, election year! That scent is in the air once more! What is it, do you ask? Oh that’s right, it’s the smell of horse shit, wafting directly from computer screens across America! Lovely!

What is it about Facebook that makes people want to get political? After all, is it not possible that there are people who do not want to read/see/hear/”like” your opinion? It’s not an anonymous forum, and many people should really consider what they post on Facebook if they want to keep their personal and private lives separate. With that being said, I fell obligated to respond to a post made by a former high school classmate a few evenings ago on Facebook. We shall call her Ms. Smith.

Here is a screenshot of the post, with name and photograph redacted for privacy:

I believe Ms. Smith is referring to the Dream Act, which allows young immigrants, most of whom came to the U.S. as children, to obtain work permits and continue their education by remaining in the country. The Dream Act, while controversial, is simply extending benefits to those young people who came to this country not by their own choice, but by that of their parents. Why shouldn’t these young immigrants have a chance at success? If one is capable of completing college, but does not have the opportunity due to place of birth, then many other complications may arise.  Nothing is worse than unrealized potential. There are plenty of young people native to this country who do not take advantage of the educational system here.  I would also say that many young Americans feel entitled to have things with little to no work – a college degree, that dream job that pays six figures, home ownership, and a collection of diamond grills. Our forefathers based this country’s legislation on the premise of equal opportunity for all – not to mention the fact that we are all descended from immigrants (not counting those who are Native American). What is the real issue here?

At first I felt very angry about what she said, but now, after digesting it a bit, I feel very sorry for her. Not only is she dismissing these so-called “illegals” who are apparently impeding on her life, but she also goes on to accuse them of attempting to “utilize our education system, use our medical care and now take our jobs” in a subsequent comment.  Good god, they’re going to take my job!!!

First off, what amazing education system are they taking advantage of? The educational system in this country is broken, and going to college is nothing but  a faraway dream for a growing number of Americans. The real issue that needs to be discussed during this election year is the growing student loan debt bubble, which many economists will be next to burst following the housing market that imploded in 2008. Another thing that concerns many is Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan’s proposal to slash Pell Grants.  For those of you with too much privilege to Google, Pell Grants are rewarded to those students with the smallest of incomes, and often to the poorest families in America. Without this funding, great minds may be destined to languish.  There is, after all, great potential within children of every social class.  Unfortunately, our higher educational system is designed to benefit the rich.  Elite private colleges cost upwards of $60,000 per year to attend. This is out of reach for most people, and especially for the middle class.  The rich want to keep opportunity to themselves, and that is what is really at issue in the tone of Ms. Smith’s post.

Second, jobs. What sorts of jobs do many illegals perform? I’ll give you a hint. Most of them do not require letters after your name. Illegals perform many of the lowest jobs that most Americans would likely never take. Some examples: dishwasher, strawberry picker, sketchy construction jobs that often involve waiting on the side of a road for someone to pick them up for a day of work, laundry worker, etc. Most Americans would find this work “insulting” and “beneath them”. However, many of these jobs entail hard, honest work. The concept of working hard is being lost on young Americans at a rapid pace.

Immigrants are not COMPETING with me or Ms. Smith. They are trying to survive, and trying to have something that the ancestors of all Americans fought for in the past.  Many illegals are escaping horrible conditions and the possibility of a violent death.

What is the source of immigrant hate? The simple answer is racism, but I will not seek to make such a blanket statement. Another reasonable explanation, in my mind, is that very few people know what real struggle is. Until you’ve known what it’s like to wonder if you’ll have electricity, running water, or a decent meal, you likely have no right to judge people who legitimately benefit from social programs like food stamps, welfare, and unemployment benefits.

How did Ms. Smith’s Facebook adventure end the other night? Let’s have a look!

Ms. Smith’s response to one of her friends is the bottom portion of this screen shot. After the friend tried to talk some sense into her, she went on to say that she supports repealing an unemployment benefits extension. Blech. She then says, “Let’s get out (sic) people working, and get then (sic) working as soon as possible!” Oh my! Is it that simple? Where are these jobs? Let’s send all the 12.8 million unemployed Americans to these amazing jobs!!! Where are they?

Hey Paul Ryan, what do you think? Can we get these people to work?

Ryan Lochte: Damn That Boy is Fine, Like A Ticket on the Dash

2 Aug

Bam! Ryan Lochte’s bod.

Am I the only person who was crazy about Ryan Lochte four years ago? I noticed his talent almost right away at the last Olympics, but Michael Phelps mania dominated the 2008 Beijing Olympics. This time it is Lochte’s  turn for some attention.  Even though he failed to win gold in the men’s 4x100m Freestyle Relay, and had to settle for silver, Lochte continues to prove that he’s worked very hard to get ready to win some medals. However, there is tremendous backlash regarding Ryan’s personal choices and manner of dress.  Today, Jezebel gave us “10 Reasons Why Ryan Lochte is America’s Sexiest Douchebag.” Poor Ryan. Poor, sexy Ryan.

Many women seem very confused over their attraction to a guy who readily admitted that having a girlfriend during the Beijing Olympics sucked: “My last Olympics, I had a girlfriend — big mistake. Now I’m single, so London should be really good. I’m excited.” Uh-oh. Someone’s excited to get their fornication on!

Do I feel as though Lochte fits the criteria for being a douchebag? I think not, given my track record with men. I tend to love those lovable dumb jock types. Plus, women may not admit it, but there is usually something about THAT guy. You know, the one who wears his collar popped after 2005.  The guy who asks if you own a pair of white jeans, leaving you befuddled.  The guy who stares at you in silence when you tell him that your favorite book is not by Tucker Max. Douchebags need lovin’ too.

But what is it about Lochte that is causing such a stir, especially among women?  Sure, there are some things that are different about Ryan in this Olympics.  A better haircut, an improved physique, and a general confidence that can either help or hurt him in competition. But I feel as though Lochte very may well be at the peak of his hotness.

Lochte is hot. Really, really hot. Sometimes I can’t believe how beautiful this man really is. There are many things about his personality that are just kind of…different.

On one of the first nights of NBC’s London Olympics coverage, an interview of Ryan Lochte by John McEnroe aired. Lochte showed of his bedroom-sized closet (which contained more shoes than many women own), his collection of diamond-encrusted grills, and his skateboarding skills.  He even showed off a pair of custom sneakers with ‘Ryan” emblazoned on the sole of the right shoe, and “Lochte” on the left. He explained that if it was raining outside, these shoes would help identify his presence. Clever.

Although the Olympic Committee banned Lochte from wearing his grills during medal ceremonies, Lochte’s signature grill this year featured an American flag design by Paul Wall. Blasphemous? Perhaps. Do I forgive him? A thousand times yes.

Ryan even has a signature phrase, “jeah,” which is exactly what it sounds like – “yeah” with a j sound. Here’s a video of Ryan saying “jeah” in a multitude of styles:

That was nice, Ryan. Now take off your pants.

Ryan’s favorite rapper is Lil’ Wayne (who doesn’t like some Weezy?) and he has dreams of being a fashion designer. In spite of all of his quirks, Ryan is basically that lovable guy who is not the brightest, but he clearly loves his life and what he does. His confidence makes him attractive.

Criticizing Lochte for his likes and dislikes does not diminish the amazing work he’s done to prepare for these Olympics. Lochte is an amazing athlete and a highly decorated Olympian.  He’s brought a lot of attention to his sport this year, wich is commendable considering how little people actually respect swimming. Plus, in the looks department, he’s the Michael Phelps of looking good.

Ryan Lochte. I’d hit that.