Fake Accents and the Women Who (Don’t) Love Them

2 Aug

Can you tell me what country's flag this is? Oh wait. No, you can't.

This weekend I went to my favorite bar only to be hit on by an idiot who decided to pretend to be Scottish. I was trying to tell one of my male friends how common it is for men to try to pretend to be something they are not in order to impress a girl. Faking an accent, certain personality traits, and perhaps even lying about where one has spent time is all very common when young men try to pick up on girls. The real issue with men faking exotic foreign accents is not whether they can pull it off, but rather more about how women actually fall for such nonsense.

The stereotype that no woman can resist a foreign accent truly bothers me. If this were true, I’m sure a lot of women would move to Europe or Australia (the Australian accent is the most irresistible accent, as both Russell Crowe and The Outback Steakhouse have taught us) for the express purpose of finding a man with an accent. When women fall for such superficial bullshit, they automatically set themselves up for disappointment. Just because a guy has a British accent does not mean he could be any less of a jerk than an American guy. Accents do not serve as a cover for being a true asshole.

In my particular case, a young man approached me, telling me that he thought I was beautiful. I thought he sounded funny from the beginning – he immediately followed his compliment with a declaration that he was from Scotland. Um, okay. No, you’re not. There were several reasons for me to doubt what he was saying – first, he was wearing a Von Dutch hat. The Von Dutch hat is not only the mark of a douchebag, but it also signifies someone who knows very little about fashion, which many Europeans actually care about. He also kept going on and on about some military regiment he was in and that he had come here to train American soldiers to rescue others from bad weather situations in the mountains. What mountains in Scotland could he have possibly trained on for such nonsense? I ended up Googling “mountains in Scotland” and found out that the highest peaks of the Highlands are no more than 4,000 feet. How could that possibly compare to a Colorado fourteener? Another lie. Then I tried to play detective.

“So what’s the capital of Scotland?”

Blank stare from Mr. Von Dutch.

I went to college, I know the capital of Scotland is Edinburgh. That should be easy enough for someone who claims to be Scottish, but, no answer.

Then he made a fatal mistake. I don’t remember what I asked him, but his answer was “Aye.” What Scottish dialect uses “aye” as a substitute for yes? The answer is none of them, unless all Scottish people are pirates.

I finally asked this moron if he had either  a passport or visa to show me. He said he had neither of those with him. I made my point a little more clear: “This is a bar. They had to have checked your ID at the door. Can I see the ID that you showed them?”

The young, stupid boy pulled his wallet from his back pocket and opened it, revealing a standard US military ID. He tries to pull it out of his wallet ever-so-slowly. And what could be underneath this military ID but a motherfucking TENNESSEE driver’s license!?! I caught him lying and told him,”Look I know you’re faking an accent and I think it’s really lame.” A look of embarrassment and shame washed over his face and he trudged away.

I couldn’t help but point out the stupidity of this kid. He chose the wrong woman to try his horrible Scottish accent on. I once met James McAvoy at the American Eagle Outfitters I worked at in New York, for godsakes. I know a Scot when I see one. (But mostly when I hear one.) The sad part is that there was most likely a woman on whom his pathetic Scottish-Southern accent worked. And he probably got laid. That was a sad night for America.

One Response to “Fake Accents and the Women Who (Don’t) Love Them”

  1. Rob August 4, 2010 at 3:33 PM #

    This makes me simultaneously happy I’m not a woman and ashamed to be a man.

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