Rebecca Martinson is Writing Crap for Vice; Words Might as Well Die

17 Nov

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For those of you unfamiliar with Rebecca Martinson, which could actually be many of you despite the heady reputation Ms. Martinson believes she carries, she was the sorority sister who wrote a seriously deranged e-mail that is now the stuff of legend.  Made internet famous for her use of the phrase “cunt punt,” which was later read in dramatic fashion by Michael Shannon, Ms. Martinson is now writing a column for Vice.  As real writers with real things to say weep into their nightly bowl of Trix cereal, Martinson is making tens of dollars (I assume) for writing about what she deems her first “double blow job”.  Ick. It gets worse.  Not only is the title of this entry meant to shock, but what is even more shocking is that the content does not describe a double blow job at all, just the utter failure of one.

The piece details a trip Martinson makes with her friend Kiki (renamed to obviously protect the innocent) to Virginia Tech for a vodka and sex rendezvous with Martinson’s then-boyfriend, lovingly called “Douchebag” for the remainder of the entry.  Long story short, these three wonderful people get twisted on Burnett’s and Douchebag drops his pants to get a blow job from Rebecca and Kiki.  All because Rebecca promised a bottle of Burnett’s to Kiki if she blew her boyfriend.  Yikes.  That’s the equivalent of about $12.  Then Douchebag is unable to get hard, which, one would have to imagine, could have to do with many factors here.  Maybe Douchebag was just as fond of Rebecca as she was of Douchebag.  Maybe he just didn’t care.  In any case, this whole thing is gross and the fact that Vice ran this is the sort of even that makes you want to question the existence of the universe.

Rebecca Martinson is gross.  I really do not understand or want to understand why writing a story about a non-existent double blowjob which was not actually a double blowjob but an utter failure of a youth-tinged night of binge drinking deserves any attention at all.  Also, who is just that nasty that they think giving a blow job to their boyfriend with their best girlfriend is the idea of a good time?  Maybe I’m an old now, but I am not interested in the sex lives of any sort of frat boy or sorority girl or any college student for that matter.  These are the voices of our youth.  Excuse me while I weep into my bowl of dinner cereal.

One Response to “Rebecca Martinson is Writing Crap for Vice; Words Might as Well Die”

  1. shoutabyss November 17, 2013 at 7:54 PM #

    You did an excellent job of writing about a bunch of stuff I knew nothing about. Somehow this writer missed blipping on my radar. Now I’m hungry for Trix.

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