Writer. Cat wrangler. Lover of the Keurig Vue.
Comedian. Human. World War Two Enthusiast.
Actor. Sushi Lover. Possibly A Closet Plushie.
Bacon is my spirit animal.
Sound familiar?
Twitter bios are 160 character nightmares come to life. I recall trying to put something that did not sound awful on mine, ultimately failing to not sound like a human parade of self-indulgent douchebaggery. Mine originally read something like, “Writer. Actor. Comedian.” This was until I realized that I am not really yet any of those things professionally at this point, and it makes no sense to continue competing with the millions of Twitter bios that proclaim one’s own amazing artistry and talent. Even though I am a writer, and I love telling people this about myself and the grand plans I have for my life, Twitter really does not care. Twitter is the new high school popularity contest, with people continually trying to one-up their feeds with self-serving praise or similarly self-serving humblebrags that are meant to entice people to want to follow their feeds.
The New York Times finally pointed out what everyone was thinking about the most self-indulgent Twitter bios to ever grace the Internets. Tom Hanks is a notable example of a humble-brag bio. His reads, “I’m that actor in some of the movies you liked and some you didn’t. Sometimes I’m in pretty good shape, other times I’m not. Hey, you gotta live, you know?” This is a completely unnecessary introduction for one of the world’s most recognizable faces and one of the most awarded actors of our time.
Mine currently reads, “Stop asking why I laugh like that,” which is a reference to the one of the most common questions I’m asked. In my own mind it seems fine, but at the same time I realize that I am still trying to impress people by sounding subversive and unique. In our own minds, we are always a special snowflake. It is human nature to want to stand apart from the crowd, especially in a time when people are capitalizing on saying things in 140 characters or less.
Add Twitter bios to a long list of things the internets have beaten to digital death: zombies, bacon, and vampires.
Fixed Air 
Genius observational humor! Love it! I gave this post a retweet.
Twitter may be the most narcissistic and indulgent method of communication ever invented. I also think that packing meaning into 140 characters is an art form. It’s true that Twitter doesn’t care, but I also think it has a lot to do with timing. If your tweet floats in front of someone’s eyeballs at just the right moment, they may do something extraordinary like acknowledge it exists. Otherwise, you’re screwed. No one is going to scroll back to see what tweets of yours they may have missed while they were offline. Who has time for that? We’re all too busy writing tweets, updating Facebook, pinning things and instagramming about how fascinating and wonderful we are.
You made me look up my Twitter bio. It says, in part, “Hatched. Bitched. Dispatched. Gum on the bottom of the universe’s shoe. Hi mom!” Oh, God. I’m the worst one yet!