Mitt Romney Gives Us Young People Valuable Advice

29 Apr

Mitt Romney, what a delightful example of the American dream!!! Living proof that all you have to do to become rich and successful is magically end up in the testicles of another very rich man! Nepotism gave this mildly smart man the chance at the highest seat in the country!! Nepotism could help you too, but only in your next life!! (If you believe in that sort of thing, which probably makes you a disgusting atheist pig who hates America and wipes with Ole Glory!) The only thing I love more than Mitt Romney is Mitt Romney’s valuable advice.  Uncle Mitt is one step closer to gaining the Republican presidential nomination, and his victory speech the other night blew my mind with the pearls this very smart man handed down to us young people:

“Borrow money from your parents, if you have to! Start a business!”

Shut up.

Uncle Mitt, you’re so smart! I will begin preparing my speech to my father right away. I think it will go something like this:

“Dad, I know that even though you’ve worked hard your whole life and now you get your hard-earned Social Security, I’d like to borrow that money and open up a taco stand that also doubles as a massage parlor. Clearly this is a sound business plan and I will need ALL of your monies now!”

Reality check.

My father is lucky he is receiving his social security in this day and age.  Any young person my age who has parents eligible to receive any such benefits are lucky.  It blows my mind to think that Mitt Romney thinks that there aren’t many young people supporting their parents instead of the other way around. Many of us will one day have our parents live in our homes (if we can ever afford a home after going to college), eat our food, and sleep in our beds. Oh, the horror. The Victor Hugo-reminiscent horror!

Borrowing money from your parents to make it in life must be some secret way of making it in the world that I have no clue about. If every kid could borrow money from their parents, there would be no need for student loans. There would be no need for little Sally to have to bartend in slutty outfits to support both herself and her aging mother.

I’d like to punch out his million dollar veneers.

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