Just in case you didn’t see any of those things they deemed “movies” last year, you probably had no idea how boring the film season was in 2011. Tonight’s Oscar telecast is likely to be one of the most boring of ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME! (Kanye West emphasis added.) Billy Crystal is hosting AGAIN, which means there will be numerous corny jokes about Brad Pitt and George Clooney’s “relationship,” and the comic gold that was City Slickers 2: Curly’s Gold. Everything about this year’s ceremony screams of boredom, including this awful poster advertising the awards. Why does Forest Gump look so confused? Does the inclusion of Driving Miss Daisy hint at the Academy’s wish to give awards to (gasp!) black people playing servants this year?
Here are my predictions of winners for the major categories of the night, along with who I think should win:
BEST PICTURE:
The Artist
The Descendants
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
Moneyball
The Tree of Life
War Horse
Will Win: The Artist. Should Win: Midnight in Paris.
Academy voters like The Artist because it brought back the form of film most of them watched as children: silent films. Midnight in Paris was the best film I saw last year but it will not win because films made by creepy perverts do not get trophies, unless they are made by Roman Polanski.
BEST ACTOR:
Demián Bichir
George Clooney
Jean Dujardin
Gary Oldman
Brad Pitt
Will Win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist Should Win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Apologies to Brad Pitt, but Moneyball was terribly boring and deserves a Razzie instead. Also, get over yourself, George Clooney. We get that your life is fabulous and that you have opinions. No hard feelings.
BEST ACTRESS:
Glenn Close
Viola Davis
Rooney Mara
Meryl Streep
Michelle Williams
Will Win: Viola Davis Should Win: Rooney Mara
The Academy is due to give an award to a “person of color” this year. Every so often the Academy voters pat themselves on the back by awarding a minority actor. And who better to awards than a black actress who dared to play a maid!
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:
Kenneth Branagh
Jonah Hill
Nick Nolte
Christopher Plummer
Max von Sydow
Will Win: Who Fucking Knows Should Win: Nick Nolte?
Jonah Hill might win an Oscar. This sentence blows my mind.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:
Bérénice Bejo
Jessica Chastain
Melissa McCarthy
Janet McTeer
Octavia Spencer
Will Win: Octavia Spencer or Berenice Bejo Should Win: Berenice Bejo
The fact that Melissa McCarthy is nominated for playing a crude fart machine in Bridesmaids shows exactly what is wrong with the Oscars this year. Is nothing sacred anymore?
BEST DIRECTING:
The Artist
The Descendants
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
The Tree of Life
Will Win: Whoever directed The Artist. Should Win: Whoever directed The Artist.
Once again, Woody Allen is not Roman Polanski.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:
The Artist
Bridesmaids
Margin Call
Midnight in Paris
A Separation
Will Win: Midnight in Paris Should Win: Midnight in Paris
This is hands down my favorite film of 2011, and it deserves all of the recognition possible. One of Woody Allen’s finest films since Annie Hall.
Fixed Air 
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