Oscar Predictions 2012: A Very Boring Show, Indeed

26 Feb

Just in case you didn’t see any of those things they deemed “movies” last year, you probably had no idea how boring the film season was in 2011.  Tonight’s Oscar telecast is likely to be one of the most boring of ALL TIME! OF ALL TIME! (Kanye West emphasis added.) Billy Crystal is hosting AGAIN, which means there will be numerous corny jokes about Brad Pitt and George Clooney’s “relationship,” and the comic gold that was City Slickers 2: Curly’s Gold. Everything about this year’s ceremony screams of boredom, including this awful poster advertising the awards. Why does Forest Gump look so confused? Does the inclusion of Driving Miss Daisy hint at the Academy’s wish to give awards to (gasp!) black people playing servants this year?

Here are my predictions of winners for the major categories of the night, along with who I think should win:


The Artist

The Descendants

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Help


Midnight in Paris


The Tree of Life

War Horse

Will Win: The Artist. Should Win: Midnight in Paris.

Academy voters like The Artist because it brought back the form of film most of them watched as children: silent films.  Midnight in Paris was the best film I saw last year but it will not win because films made by creepy perverts do not get trophies, unless they are made by Roman Polanski.


Demián Bichir

George Clooney

Jean Dujardin

Gary Oldman

Brad Pitt

Will Win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist  Should Win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Apologies to Brad Pitt, but Moneyball was terribly boring and deserves a Razzie instead. Also, get over yourself, George Clooney. We get that your life is fabulous and that you have opinions. No hard feelings.


Glenn Close

Viola Davis

Rooney Mara

Meryl Streep

Michelle Williams

Will Win: Viola Davis Should Win: Rooney Mara

The Academy is due to give an award to a “person of color” this year. Every so often the Academy voters pat themselves on the back by awarding a minority actor. And who better to awards than a black actress who dared to play a maid!


Kenneth Branagh

Jonah Hill

Nick Nolte

Christopher Plummer

Max von Sydow

Will Win: Who Fucking Knows Should Win: Nick Nolte?

Jonah Hill might win an Oscar. This sentence blows my mind.


Bérénice Bejo

Jessica Chastain

Melissa McCarthy

Janet McTeer

Octavia Spencer

Will Win: Octavia Spencer or Berenice Bejo Should Win: Berenice Bejo

The fact that Melissa McCarthy is nominated for playing a crude fart machine in Bridesmaids shows exactly what is wrong with the Oscars this year. Is nothing sacred anymore?


The Artist

The Descendants


Midnight in Paris

The Tree of Life

Will Win: Whoever directed The Artist. Should Win: Whoever directed The Artist.

Once again, Woody Allen is not Roman Polanski.


The Artist


Margin Call

Midnight in Paris

A Separation

Will Win: Midnight in Paris Should Win: Midnight in Paris

This is hands down my favorite film of 2011, and it deserves all of the recognition possible.  One of Woody Allen’s finest films since Annie Hall.

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