You have a phone. Use it to get what you want.
Many women I know follow the “he’s just not that into you” school of dating. I cannot, will not, ever, ever, ever get on that train. I find it completely irrational that a man is expected to do all the legwork in dating. Some friends of mine (actually many friends of mine) seem to think that a man must make everything happen in a courtship situation. Not so, ladies. Not so.
Why is it that the male should decide whether HE’S into YOU? What about deciding whether YOU are into HIM? The double standard in heterosexual dating is entirely damaging to women. Women have been conditioned to think that a man must do all the pursuing, and if (god forbid) the woman does any of the hunting, she’s obviously DESPERATE. This way of thinking allows for women to become victims in a cat and mouse game that they might not even want to be a part of. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been pursued by men whom I had absolutely no interest in! And they never give up easily! I’m sorry, but I’ve already decided whether I am sexually attracted to you within the first ten seconds of meeting you. Sending me random texts for the next two weeks saying nothing more than “Hey” will do nothing for you.
I’m not saying that women should go out and proposition all the men they find attractive. All I’m saying that women should do the shopping, too. What about finding out more about someone as a person before trying to date them? This generation is geared toward instant gratification – we have Facebook, Twitter, texting, and pretty much every other possible form of communication possible. If a guy gives you his number, he’s probably interested and may want you to contact him if he’s at all shy. How can it work to a woman’s advantage if she’s being told to not use any form of contact with a guy she might be interested in? Men have all the same insecurities (maybe more) as women – they are just as terrified of sexual rejection as we are.
What I’ve noticed about a lot of the women who follow books like The Rules (a fair review of this book will be upcoming on Fixed Air), is that they often go through high numbers of men in very short relationships. And many of them never seem to be single long enough to understand that a woman does not need a man to complete her existence. Quickly jumping from relationship to relationship is a completely detrimental practice that corrodes both mind and soul. You do not have to be “in a relationship” at all times to feel good about yourself as a woman. Sometimes, it’s knowing who you are, in terms of your values, expectations, and dreams that could give you worlds more confidence than a boyfriend. These women tend to “play games” with men, and think that ignoring a guy’s phone calls will somehow make her more desirable. Guess what? Men have insecurities that also cause them to question whether a woman likes him.
I have recently asked several male acquaintances whether they think it’s okay for a woman to contact them. They all said the same thing – that it’s a relief when a woman they like contacts them. They say it takes the guessing out of the equation and lets them know that the woman they had eyed isn’t completely terrified of him. I think it seems completely backward and old-fashioned to have to wait for a man to do everything. The games that people play are completely annoying, and I feel that if people stopped playing and perhaps lowered their guard for a moment, they may be surprised when they connect with someone who isn’t completely shallow.
There is nothing wrong with asking a man out. Nothing at all. I’ve done it and it works. I asked out my ex. We are exes now, yes, but we were together for a long time. You don’t necessarily have to call a guy, either. Maybe send him a text inviting him to a casual get-together with friends. What’s most important is to get to know the guy first. That seems to be the top misstep people make when getting into dating relationships – you have no idea who the person is or what they’re about.
Most men probably pray to the gods each night that a woman will ask them out instead of having to go through a bunch of awkward lines, sweating off his Old Spice all the while. Asking a guy out works most of the time. (Probably 9 times out of 10). I challenge you to try it sometime. Why should women have to waste time going on dates with men they do not find attractive or interesting? Why should women always wait around to be hunted by emotionally out-of-touch alpha males? Oh yeah, because society told us to.
Fixed Air 
What an impressive post. Truly. I like the way you think outside of the box. I’m a big fan of questioning why things are the way they are, but not only that, grappling with it, understanding it, then changing it up if it isn’t right for you. That kind of awareness is a pretty big achievement these days with so many sheeple running around.
I could not agree with you more. When it comes to expressing interest, what does gender have to do with anything? I guess in a perfect world strangers would meet and be equally interested in each other. It seems to me unless it is a commercial for a cell phone that sort of serendipitous equality is probably a fairy tale.
What a novel idea. The person who happens to have the most interest, regardless of gender, can be the one who initiates first contact. It is stunningly brilliant in its simplicity.
If you happen to be the one who’s interested but you pretend like you’re not because of gender roles, then what is that? To me that seems like game playing and who has time for that sort of thing? By the time you get around to making the next move in your little game the fish you had your eye on may already be on someone else’s hook. Forget that and seize the day!
I can admit that I’ve never played that game. If I’m interested I call as soon as I’m ready. None of this “I better wait three days or I’ll appear too eager” stuff for me. After the blind date where I met my future wife, she asked if I wanted her phone number. Being a smart ass, I replied, “No need. I’ll have my people call your people and we’ll do lunch!” She walked away mistakenly thinking I had no interest. (In retrospect I was stupid to put her through that.) But you know what? I did get her number and I called her the very next day! And the rest as they say is history. 🙂
I guess in the “caveman days” of yore, it was the job of men to run around and hump every woman they possibly could in order to ensure the survival of the species or some such nonsense. Really? Was it really like that? And if so, perhaps there is still some biological residue of that wiring still inside us. (Maybe it’s like the “fight or flight” response or the instinct that drives us to stare at car accidents.) But we’re more evolved than that by now, right, and can override that primitive wiring by consciously exercising our free will? I certainly hope so!
I’m afraid I have to agree with your informal survey. I’d be thrilled if a woman approached me. It has been known to happen and even if the interest wasn’t returned, it was still like, “Wow.” I’d be skipping through life for the next few days. 🙂
Rules are made to be broken and, I think, enlightened people should always be questioning why they do what they do. If something feels tired and outdated I say toss it out and make your own damn rules.
By the way, I thought you should know. “I’m on a horse!” 🙂
Thanks for the compliments. I now only hope that I can take my own advice and contact a guy I would like to get to know better. Wish me luck!
“They all said the same thing – that it’s a relief when a woman they like contacts them.”
‘Like’ being the operative word here. If we knew a man liked us, we would pick up the phone. It’s because we don’t know whether they ‘like’ us that we don’t want to risk rejection and potential embarrassment.