Cleanup Required: Bad Kissing and Its Victims

1 Jun

A famous kiss in history, no cleanup required.

We’ve all been there. You’ve been flirting heavily with a certain guy or girl throughout the day/night and things seem promising. That’s right: you have a make out session on the way. The make out session is the thing of junior high, high school, and college, of summers past and present, of work breaks and office holiday parties. Unfortunately, the make out session always has the potential to go horribly wrong.

I had one recent make out session that disappointed me like no other before. First off, and I have no idea why, this guy prefaced our encounter with the stunner, “I’m very picky about who I make out with.” Um, okay? What is that supposed to mean? I have some inkling that he was trying to portray his kissing abilities as first-rate and that I should somehow feel lucky, but instead, he came off like a smarmy a-hole. And how picky could he have been anyway? I’m no supermodel (as close as a human can be), but this guy should have felt lucky to have me talking to him at all, especially since I had witnessed his lame dance moves to retro house music. This guy also talked way too much about house music. He was trying to explain the difference between techno and house to me, but I kind of did that thing when you space out and keep saying, “yeah” every couple of minutes.

I soon found out why he is likely “picky” about whom he makes out with. He’s such a bad kisser that he probably wants to limit his failure to a few people so the truth will not come out. You know that nervous feeling you get when someone leans in to kiss you? I totally had that until…I was attacked by a roving tongue. My expression instantaneously changed from excitement to disgust. This guy was using WAY too much tongue. It was as though he was using his tongue to search my mouth for the cavities that my dentist may have overlooked at my checkup last month. There’s nothing wrong with the right amount of tongue kissing, but this was completely overwhelming. It was like a spinning propeller gone rogue in my mouth. Not pleasant at all. I recently read an article in Cosmopolitan (go figure) that described how men get turned on by sloppy saliva-soaked kissing. I simply don’t understand how this can be. And even if it is true, shouldn’t they ask the girl they’re kissing what they like first, before they get all crazy sloppy with it?

When it was over (I tried to cut this whole thing short) I felt as though I needed a dishtowel to soak up the excess saliva left in and around my mouth. This guy seemed really pleased with himself, even though he was too dumb to take a hint when I kept closing my mouth. I later found out that this guy was a bit older than he had told me, and had likely lied about his age because he knew I was younger and wanted to seem more appealing. However, all this tells me is that there could be up to 20 years worth of victims of his horrible kissing roaming the earth. I probably should have told him straight up that he was a failure, but I restrained myself because I felt like being nice.

What can we learn from this incident? Kissing with too much tongue is pretty disgusting, and it should only happen if both parties like it, and most likely, one person will not like it. Oh, and if you meet a guy in his mid-30s who is either single, never married, or has never been in a serious relationship, it’s probably because he sucks at things like kissing. Or that he likes dancing to retro house music in lame, trying-too-hard-to-be-trendy basement bars. Or both.

Do you have a horrible kissing story? That’s right, this blog entry has become the embarrassing moments page of Seventeen. Feel free to share your woe.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: