Baz Luhrmann fans, rejoice! Leonardo DiCaprio is Jay Gatsby and Robert Redford can turn it in now.

And there’s a Kanye West/Jay-Z song!!!

Marnie entranced by the short yet profound Booth Jonathan.

This week’s episode of Lena Dunham’s Girls explored young Hannah Horvath’s plight after she learns she has HPV. What is most astonishing about this episode is not the fact that the show explores the topic of HPV to begin with, but the fact that all the main characters lack basic knowledge of what HPV is and how it’s detected in both sexes.  Thinking that she could have acquired HPV from her high school boyfriend, Hannah meets with Elijah, who is very obviously gay, though it takes her much too long to figure this out.  His telling her that the reason he was able to date her in high school because “there was a handsomeness” to her face is one of a few lines that elicited chuckles. After Hannah tells Elijah that she has HPV and feels that she may have acquired it from him, he finally educates her on the fact that HPV cannot be detected in males. No one else knew this for some reason. This is why sex education needs should be a part of school curriculum.

The other notable moment in this episode is a scene featuring Marnie (Allison Williams) and the supposedly handsome and dashing artiste, Booth Jonathan (Jorma Taccone, one-third of the Adam Sandberg comedy trio The Lonely Island).  What an awful name. Adding to the awfulness is Taccone’s delivery of the line, “I want you to know, the first time I fuck you, I might scare you a little, because I’m a man, and I know how to do things.” First off, gross. Who talks like that ever? Second, Jorma Taccone looks like he’s fifteen. I don’t get it. Can someone please explain?

This has been an unsolicited update on HBO’s Girls.

“Borrow money from your parents, if you have to! Start a business!”

Shut up.

Uncle Mitt, you’re so smart! I will begin preparing my speech to my father right away. I think it will go something like this:

“Dad, I know that even though you’ve worked hard your whole life and now you get your hard-earned Social Security, I’d like to borrow that money and open up a taco stand that also doubles as a massage parlor. Clearly this is a sound business plan and I will need ALL of your monies now!”

Reality check.

My father is lucky he is receiving his social security in this day and age.  Any young person my age who has parents eligible to receive any such benefits are lucky.  It blows my mind to think that Mitt Romney thinks that there aren’t many young people supporting their parents instead of the other way around. Many of us will one day have our parents live in our homes (if we can ever afford a home after going to college), eat our food, and sleep in our beds. Oh, the horror. The Victor Hugo-reminiscent horror!

Borrowing money from your parents to make it in life must be some secret way of making it in the world that I have no clue about. If every kid could borrow money from their parents, there would be no need for student loans. There would be no need for little Sally to have to bartend in slutty outfits to support both herself and her aging mother.

I’d like to punch out his million dollar veneers.

Would you like some wine with that cheese, young ladies?

HBO has been promoting the shit out of their new original series, Girls. Those annoying pop-up ads have been all over Jezebel, making me look forward to the show for weeks.  I just watched the series premiere, and my reaction lays somewhere between “blah” and “meh”. Created by Lena Dunham, a 25-year-old whose 2009 film Tiny Furniture made waves at SXSW, Girls is also executive produced by Judd Apatow.

The first thing that bothered me about Girls was its collection of actresses who would likely only be actresses due to nepotism. Dunham herself is the daughter of two notable artists, Laurie Simmons and Carroll Dunham. She is perhaps the most relatable out of the cast.  The other main characters are played by Allison Williams, daughter of Brian Williams, yes, THE Brian WIlliams, Zosia Mamet, daughter of David Mamet, critically acclaimed playwright, and Jemima Kirke, daughter of Simon Kirke, drummer for the band Bad Company. It’s really quite annoying when you realize how well-connected this collection of young girls really is. All of a sudden, any ounce of believability that these actresses have ever struggled, especially in the financial sense, like many 24-year-olds entering the real world, and like we should believe about these twenty-somethings trying to find themselves, completely leaves your mind.  These characters are mind-blowingly entitled and self-absorbed, and our main character, Hannah, just could be the worst.

Lena plays Hannah Horvath, a 24-year-old who’s been out of college for two years and only works an unpaid internship while her college professor parents support her.  In the opening scene of Girls, Hannah’s parents tell her that they’ll be cutting her off financially. Her whiny reaction makes any person who ever had a job before the age of twenty cringe in horror.  I was supporting myself at the age of 18 or 19, which is actually late for many people who do not have wealthy parents to support them, so Hannah’s bratty reaction is alienating to many young people. I have also had an unpaid internship, but unlike Hannah, instead of going to my supervisor and demanding that he pay me for fucking around on a Mac all day long, I went out and got THREE additional paying jobs.

I was looking forward to Girls very much, but if the apex of the show’s story is Hannah’s griping over her parents not giving her money to do whatever the hell she does other than look for a job, I will not become a fan.  There was one moment in which I did feel bad for Hannah. Her odd-looking carpenter boyfriend, Adam, practically deceives Hannah into having doggystyle sex on his couch, hinting that he might not be wearing a condom, despite her vocal request.

There are some bright spots in the show. I am referring primarily to the subtly sharp one-liners spouted off by Dunham and her father, played by Peter Scolari of Bosom Buddies fame.  After ingesting a large amount of opium-infused tea and ending up sprawled on the floor, her father suggests she drink a cup of coffee. Hannah yells at her father,  “Coffee is for grown-ups!” Scolari’s retort: “You’re going to drink a strong cup of coffee!!!”  Perhaps Apatow will use his magical comedy powers to bring us more varied and peerless guest performers in future episodes. Girls has promise, but no power. Who wants to cheer for a girl who literally begs her parents for money? Is this the generation I belong to? It’s true, we’re all doomed.

It was obvious to me why the plot was chosen by the writers.  January Jones was pregnant when the season began shooting, and how could Betty possibly have another kid after having Gene in season three? Two pregnancies for one actress in one television series is just silly.  January’s puffy face was clearly the work of makeup artists who chose to use whatever fake-looking prosthetics they always use to make a thin person look fat.  Remember that episode of Tyra where the model learned what it was to be fat for one day? Her face looked like it was melting off. January’s face was no different. The real problem is that from some angles, Betty didn’t even look that big.  It’s only when the camera got really close to her face or showed her profile that anyone would notice a significant difference.

Betty’s explanation for her weight gain is a thyroid problem, and the rest of the episode follows her terrifying quest to find out whether or not she may have cancer.  Despite that terrifying prospect, Betty seems to lighten up (finally) and finishes off little Sally’s ice cream sundae. Is that all it took for Betty to lighten up a little bit? Some ice cream? In spite of Betty enjoying that sundae, I predict she’ll develop some sort of eating disorder during the season.  A former model and wife to two powerful men, Betty Draper will. not. stay. fat. Will Betty get those diet pills she so desperately craves? An all-new episode of Mad Men will air this Sunday at 9/8 EST on AMC. I wish I were getting paid to say that.

Here are my predictions of winners for the major categories of the night, along with who I think should win:

BEST PICTURE:

The Artist

The Descendants

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close

The Help

Hugo

Midnight in Paris

Moneyball

The Tree of Life

War Horse

Will Win: The Artist. Should Win: Midnight in Paris.

Academy voters like The Artist because it brought back the form of film most of them watched as children: silent films.  Midnight in Paris was the best film I saw last year but it will not win because films made by creepy perverts do not get trophies, unless they are made by Roman Polanski.

BEST ACTOR:

Demián Bichir

George Clooney

Jean Dujardin

Gary Oldman

Brad Pitt

Will Win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist  Should Win: Jean Dujardin, The Artist

Apologies to Brad Pitt, but Moneyball was terribly boring and deserves a Razzie instead. Also, get over yourself. George Clooney has

BEST ACTRESS:

Glenn Close

Viola Davis

Rooney Mara

Meryl Streep

Michelle Williams

Will Win: Viola Davis Should Win: Rooney Mara

The Academy is due to give an award to a “person of color” this year. Every so often the Academy voters pat themselves on the back by awarding a minority actor. And who better to awards than a black actress who dared to play a maid!

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Kenneth Branagh

Jonah Hill

Nick Nolte

Christopher Plummer

Max von Sydow

Will Win: Who Fucking Knows Should Win: Nick Nolte?

Jonah Hill might win an Oscar. This sentence blows my mind.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Bérénice Bejo

Jessica Chastain

Melissa McCarthy

Janet McTeer

Octavia Spencer

Will Win: Octavia Spencer or Berenice Bejo Should Win: Berenice Bejo

The fact that Melissa McCarthy is nominated for playing a crude fart machine in Bridesmaids shows exactly what is wrong with the Oscars this year. Is nothing sacred anymore?

BEST DIRECTING:

The Artist

The Descendants

Hugo

Midnight in Paris

The Tree of Life

Will Win: Whoever directed The Artist. Should Win: Whoever directed The Artist.

Once again, Woody Allen is not Roman Polanski.

BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY:

The Artist

Bridesmaids

Margin Call

Midnight in Paris

A Separation

Will Win: Midnight in Paris Should Win: Midnight in Paris

This is hands down my favorite film of 2011, and it deserves all of the recognition possible.  One of Woody Allen’s finest films since Annie Hall.

First he had his hand on his chin as in deep in thought. I wonder what he thinks of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Then Brady fist-pumped for the children. He’s so hip and down with it.

Tommy boy made this face when the photographer told him he once too schtupped Gisele.

In case you also have female reproductive parts, you should know that the most important position on a football team is that of quarterback. The quarterback is the guy who throws the ball at an open offensive player, someone like a wide receiver. The quarterback’s success is measured in touchdown passes and passing yards. However, it is important to note the recurring chiseled and ruggedly handsome faces that grace the equally solid bodies of quarterbacks. The quarterback tends to be the hottest guy on the team. This is why many quarterbacks date supermodels and grace cologne ads with their manly presence.  Here is my list of the five hottest NFL starting quarterbacks:

5. Cam Newton

Cam Newton is the rookie QB for the Carolina Panthers. He resembles a Ken doll, but I am going to assume he has functional “parts”. That is all.

Jaw: 6/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Imitation Champagne.

4. Tom Brady

Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen after she had enough of Leonardo DiCaprio and also dabbles in the modeling world from time to time. He also has three Superbowl rings, which serve as confirmation that he is the man.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Saltine cracker.

3. Eli Manning

Eli Manning is kind of goofy looking, but his money and acclaim still make him hot! His father, also a former NFL quarterback, proudly proclaims that his son is “not a runner”.  Described as a “one man team” a few weeks ago after a Giants game against the Cowboys, Manning is certainly better looking than his even more goofy-looking brother, Peyton.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Deep fried peanut butter sammy.

2. Tim Tebow

Despite Tebow’s overt love of Jesus – which is admirable, I suppose, but why should god care about football? – he just seems like a really nice guy. I’d like to bend down on on knee and give the phrase “Tebow Time” a whole new meaning.

Jaw: 8/10 Body: 9/10 Personality: Two loaves of bread and two fish.

1. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez is carved from what I like to describe as an olive-colored block of sex. He is not yet the best QB out there, but he’s getting better and could lead the Jets to a Superbowl. He just needs to stop looking so pouty on the field. Oh wait, that’s just his hot face.

Jaw: 9/10 Body: 10/10 Personality: Tostitos.

Many people like to mock people who chose to major in literature, history, or languages in college.  I still receive snorts from those who hear that I am a literature and history double major.  They generally turn up their noses, chortle at my life choices, and ask, “And what is it that you plan on doing with those majors?” The negative connotation that seems to be following the liberal arts as college becomes more expensive and good-paying jobs become more rare is highly unnecessary.  What people seem to forget is that not everything in this life is about making tons of money (though that does help move thing along), and while you are here, you should probably pursue something that both interests you and inspires within you the natural drive to succeed, no matter what your chosen field.

I know several peers who chose to study STEM majors in college. A few of them studied engineering, a field that seems to receive endless acclaim from those who think it is the ONLY thing to study. All of the young people I know who went on to become engineers absolutely HATE the field of work they went into.  Of course there are engineers who likely love what they chose to do, but some kids end up being miserable in such fields. Why is this? More than likely, they were trying to please their parents. This is the biggest mistake any young student could make, and should be avoided at all costs.  My parents kept telling me to be a doctor, but I knew I did not have the inclination toward science to achieve such a thing. Instead, I followed my gut, and studied the subjects I loved.

In an article titled “College Majors Matter,” author Catehrine Rampell states that student “should…be thinking about whether the specific college degree they’re considering is marketable.” But what is marketability? Aren’t creative thinking skills and an ability to read, analyze, and create valuable skills? These are things the liberal arts major learns in school, and they are a dying art form.

A New York Times commenter who goes by the name Snacktastic made the following observation about college majors:

Well, this directly reflects on how we view society, work and the value of education. There is plenty about the liberal arts that allows people to develop a certain level of cultural and intellectual understanding and critical analysis that can not only help them challenge aspects of social norms but also is transferrable to other types of work and training. It also provides the kinds of social capital that allows people to enter into critical dialogs with people in power positions, allowing for some transmission of ideas from the bottom up rather than solely from the top down IF we find that diversity among scholars is an important value.

Unfortunately, at this period in our capitalistic economy, we are saying that more and more that this critical kind of understanding should remain the provenance of the elite who can afford to enter into these types of intellectual environments and as a result, will shape intellectual thought and dialog in this country. On the other hand, the average Jill and Jack should get the message that our worth to society should be predicated solely on our ability to function and feed into capitalism without any type of reflection of the problems of dominant social values and how that functions to maintain the status quo.

It’s easy to mock liberal arts students and to laugh at people’s debts, finding them stupid. Of course, we’ll pay the price as a society, if for nothing else, we’ll continue to look at every failure, blip and inequity as evidence of someone’s personal failures (Why didn’t they major in science? Why didn’t they go to a cheaper school?) and never question what is going on in society, in that we are commodifying everything. It’ll further diminish the kinds of critical dialog in this country or the idea that there is something wrong with the citizen worker model. Nothing will ever change until we have the ability to look at how problematic this Horatio Alger idea of hyperindividualism and a slavish devotion to strict versions of capitalism is.

Another commenter, Mr. Pointy, offered the following:

This new conventional wisdom that one should only major in something potentially lucrative is bumming me out. Also, it completely contradicts my lived experience where the only millionaire I know personally was an Art History major and now directs a department of a major auction house. I was an English major and make $90K in my arts-related job. My college friend who was a Women’s Studies major runs her own business (that has nothing to do with Women’s Studies, and she is a shining example of your major not determining what you end up doing in life). Her partner who was an art major? Runs a media company. Another friend who majored in linguistics? Works for a marketing firm and leads their team in charge of naming products and makes six figures (the second highest earner in my social circle after the millionaire Art History major). I have a musician friend who has a composition degree and now works for Apple on the iTunes team analyzing music (his job has something to do with the Genius algorithim but I don’t really understand it). I also know a handful of other art students who now work for Pixar, ILM and WETA. They all make decent livings. The folks I know who have been laid-off and are currently unemployed? Lawyers and MBAs, and one scientist. So much for conventional wisdom, huh?

I suppose it’s possible that I live in some kind of bubble/alternate reality where people with “fun” degrees and creative jobs are doing well and the people who went the “practical” route are struggling but I kind of doubt it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is choosing a major based on perceived practicality is no guarantee of future success. Likewise, choosing what is considered a “fun” or frivolous major is no guarantee of failure and a life of crushing debt and disappointment. If you have a vision of where you want to go, and drive and ambition, and know how to work connections, you can make anything work. Part of me fears all this talk around “practical” degrees is part of the brainwashing of the 99% — an effort to make sure we don’t dream or create, think only in practical terms, and conceive of ourselves only as cogs in the machine with narrowly defined purposes and set tasks to perform. We train for a job, we do that job, we buy stuff and do/say/think nothing to challenge the status quo.

What should a young student learn from these comments? It’s simple. Follow your heart and your dreams, and success will surely follow.

Please, please come back to me.