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Ranking NFL Quarterbacks by Hotness

15 Dec

Football. What is it, really? I can’t really tell you since I have a vagina. One thing I do know about football provides an endless parade of hot men who wear those tight, stretchy pants and push each other angrily.  It’s time to rank football players by the only measure of human value that should ever be considered: hotness.

In case you also have female reproductive parts, you should know that the most important position on a football team is that of quarterback. The quarterback is the guy who throws the ball at an open offensive player, someone like a wide receiver. The quarterback’s success is measured in touchdown passes and passing yards. However, it is important to note the recurring chiseled and ruggedly handsome faces that grace the equally solid bodies of quarterbacks. The quarterback tends to be the hottest guy on the team. This is why many quarterbacks date supermodels and grace cologne ads with their manly presence.  Here is my list of the five hottest NFL starting quarterbacks:

5. Cam Newton

Cam Newton is the rookie QB for the Carolina Panthers. He resembles a Ken doll, but I am going to assume he has functional “parts”. That is all.

Jaw: 6/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Imitation Champagne.

4. Tom Brady

Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen after she had enough of Leonardo DiCaprio and also dabbles in the modeling world from time to time. He also has three Superbowl rings, which serve as confirmation that he is the man.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Saltine cracker.

3. Eli Manning

Eli Manning is kind of goofy looking, but his money and acclaim still make him hot! His father, also a former NFL quarterback, proudly proclaims that his son is “not a runner”.  Described as a “one man team” a few weeks ago after a Giants game against the Cowboys, Manning is certainly better looking than his even more goofy-looking brother, Peyton.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Deep fried peanut butter sammy.

2. Tim Tebow

Despite Tebow’s overt love of Jesus – which is admirable, I suppose, but why should god care about football? – he just seems like a really nice guy. I’d like to bend down on on knee and give the phrase “Tebow Time” a whole new meaning.

Jaw: 8/10 Body: 9/10 Personality: Two loaves of bread and two fish.

1. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez is carved from what I like to describe as an olive-colored block of sex. He is not yet the best QB out there, but he’s getting better and could lead the Jets to a Superbowl. He just needs to stop looking so pouty on the field. Oh wait, that’s just his hot face.

Jaw: 9/10 Body: 10/10 Personality: Tostitos.

Disappointing Celebrity Penises Throughout History

22 Mar

Penises! You hate what they’re attached to, but by god, you can’t live without them! They’re everywhere! And what sort of penis might everyone like? A celebrity’s penis!

Photos of celebrity penises are highly sought after, though there are reasons why I think this is silly. First off, people seem to assume that a celebrity usually has an impressive, beautiful penis, simply because it may be attached to someone talented and/or beautiful.  This is simply not the case. The truth is that most people have average, functional dicks that get the job done. Whether or not we realize it, celebrities are simply humans, most likely in possession of average penises. Second, what happens to these pictures of penises other than being published in Playgirl (often without permission of male celebrities) and eventually finding a home on an obscure gay porn website? They circulate the gossip websites for a couple of weeks and disappear forever. So in the end, no one cares about your penis. Put that thing away.

Yesterday I chose to give in to the latest celebrity penis hype and took a brief, lazy glance at the leaked photos of Chris Brown’s penis. I take that back. I stared for quite a while. I searched the photograph for hints of tampering. I noted the lighting and the use of a bathroom mirror, most likely in a hotel. But the actual penis in question? Meh. Average! It was probably medically normal and nothing to get excited over, just like most celebrity penises.

This disappointment in celebrity penises is nothing new. Surely there are several disappointing celebrity penis moments throughout history, which we shall now examine:

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #1: Tom Cruise

I'm angsty! Look at me gripping my football as though it were a metaphorical extension of myself! Wah!

 

 

Back in the dizzay, Tom Cruise starred in a movie about high school football and teen sex called All the Right Moves. This was really early in his career and he probably did not expect to become a star, so he likely dropped trou without thinking about anything but a paycheck. Overall Assessment: Smaller than average. More of a turn-off: scientology.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #2: Leonardo DiCaprio

Are you thinking about my penis? Why yes Leo, yes I am.

 

 

In another fascinating but rarely seen cinematic moment, my man Leonardo DiCaprio went the full frontal route. Playing gay poet Arthur Rimbaud, Leo flashed his goods for the love of art. Overall Assessment: Average. Would still hit it.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #3: Daniel Radcliffe

Don't look at us like that. You took off your pants on your own.

 

 

I really don’t care to see this one, but from what I’ve heard, Harry Potter is both smaller-than average and a bit, ahem, wild down there, if you will. I think I speak for all women when I say that it is important that men take as much care with their grooming as we often do. I mean, let’s be honest – would any man want to have their face in the equivalent of a buffalo fur? No, they wouldn’t. Overall Assessment: No thank you.

Disappointing Celebrity Penis #4: Brad Pitt

The original example of blonde-haired perfection, William Bradley Pitt.

 

 

Some paparazzi photos from a few years back revealed what every person should know: size doesn’t always matter. Case in point: Brad Pitt’s average member. He’s so perfect-looking that it really shouldn’t matter anyway. However, ex-girlfriend Juliette Lewis once said that Pitt was “no BIG deal in bed”. Bitter are we, Juliette? Overall Assessment: If it’s good enough for Angelina Jolie, it’s good enough for me.

 


If You Ever Want to Touch Me, You Must Have These Three Things in Your Wallet

5 Feb

A gold digger's dream: the American Express "Black" Card!

I am a very frightening woman with a sure sense of what she wants and how she’ll go about getting it. One of the things I am very particular about is the sort of man I’ll sleep with. Selectivity in this arena prevents emotional problems, disease, and pesky things known as “babies”.  It also preserves one’s place in the world as a respectable woman who will not simply spread her legs for any man buying her a drink in a bar and up the chances of finding a partner worthy of one’s presence.  I have a very simple checklist for men who are at the least worthy of talking to me, if at all.

These are the three things that must be in your wallet if you wish to say hello:

1. A valid form of picture ID (with the right man’s picture, of course). Many underestimate the power of knowing exactly who it is you are talking to. You will be surprised how many people repeatedly lie about who they are and where they’re from. At the least, this is the sign of an insecure man hoping to up his chances of getting laid by pretending he is a Harvard graduate, professional athlete, or resident of a gated community. In the worst-case scenarios, men without ID could be grifters, or even worse, serial killers. Once a young man approached me in a nightclub and claimed to be Australian. I immediately called him on his bluff (he had no idea who he was talking to) and asked to see his ID. When he opened his wallet, I glimpsed a peek of a Tennessee driver’s license and promptly sent the young man packing. Always check ID, though it does not have to be right away. Ask to see your date’s driver’s license picture if he pulls out his wallet to pay for something (which he should, anyway). This is a normal thing to ask someone.

2. A major credit card. Emphasis on major. I had a boyfriend who did not have a credit card when I met him. Take this as a red flag. If someone doesn’t have a credit card, it means one of two things:

  • They are one of those people who “don’t believe in credit” and hence only use only cash, which is indicative of other problems (drug dealing, if they are always carrying excessive cash) or of a complacent attitude that will never get someone anywhere in life. Credit runs everything in this shitty, capital-dependent world. This person probably also takes night classes at the community college in academically irrelevant topics like sociology or psychology (the latter of which you will need a doctorate to ever do anything with). BEWARE.
  • They have shitty credit or no credit at all, which means they’ll always be a poor.

You also want to be wary of people with Paypal credit cards. This probably means that their job is selling stuff on eBay. Aim higher. Obviously the best option is a normal platinum Visa, preferably one that garners frequent flier miles. This indicates someone who likes to travel.

3. A gym membership card. Let’s be honest. Sex is a shallow, shallow thing, and no one has sex with someone because they have a great personality. People have sex with people they’re attracted to, and it should remain that way. A recent experience lead me to believe that some men like to hide the fact that they do not go to the gym with oversize clothing and strategic styles of leaning. No, I do not want your soft, amoeba-like body draped over mine. Go to the gym and lift some weights. Someone who does not take care of their body from a young age is no one I want to have as a boyfriend. When you’re out meeting people, always emphasize your interest in fitness to weed out the amoebas. A hard, athletic body is a must for me – it may not be for other women, but for me it’s required.

….and yes, I am a bit of a ball-buster. Thanks for reading!

I Wish I Thought of This First: “Bangable Dudes in History”

10 Jan

A very clever blogger is in need of my admiration. The author of the blog “Bangable Dudes in History”stumbled upon a golden idea I wish I thought of first simply due to the fact that her blog combines two things I enjoy very much: doin’ it and history. I’ve decided to put together my shortlist of bangable dudes in history – enjoy!

1. If anyone reading this knows me personally, this guy is my obvious first pick! John F. Kennedy:

A lot of people think both Bobby and Teddy were hotter, but Bobby had too much chest hair for my taste and Teddy had too much alcoholism. It’s best to stick to the man himself. Also deserving of an honorable mention:

JFK’s son John John. I had a gigantic crush on him when I was in middle school and I cried for days when he passed away.

2. If you are interested in photographs of hot men throughout history, perhaps you’d be interested in learning about one of the men who took one of the first photographs EVER:

Meet Robert Cornelius, who took this self-portrait in 1839. Check out the sex hair on this guy! Not only did he contribute to the development of the daguerreotype, but he also managed to contribute to the catalog of hot men in history.

3. Uh-oh, you might be familiar with this infamous man:

In spite of Che’s association with the not-so-hot Fidel Castro (also not-so-politically-appealing), Che always looked fly in his fatigues and beret. And that cigar in his mouth only makes me wonder at the oral wonders that could ensue with such a man. Viva la revolucion!

4. Give it up for this next guy, who was awesome enough to die in a duel:

Long before Andy Samberg and Chris Parnell asked us to call them “Aaron Burr from the way we’re dropping Hamiltons,” Alexander Hamilton was busy establishing the U.S. Mint and the first national bank. A bona fide financial badass, he’d likely be rolling around in his grave if he saw what was going on today. Speaking of his grave, you can visit his tomb at Trinity Church in NYC on the corners of Broadway and Wall Street.

5. For fans of the Civil War, behold young Robert E. Lee:

A far cry from the white-bearded Confederate general he grew up to be, young Robert E. Lee resembled a John Travolta type, complete with a cleft chin. Considering his surrender at Appomattox, just imagine what else Lee would be willing to surrender in bed!

6. Are you familiar with the Haymarket Riot of 1886? Well this guy may or may not have somehow been involved:

Louis Lingg was a German anarchist writer sentenced to death following the Haymarket bombing. Before he could be executed, he committed suicide by putting a piece of dynamite in his mouth. That sounds pretty horrific, doesn’t it? You know what doesn’t sound horrific? Louis Lingg exploding in my underwear.

Look for another edition in the future!

Ryan Reynolds? Really? Okay, People Magazine…

17 Nov

The most important announcement of the year came out today – Ryan Reynolds is the Sexiest Man Alive 2010 as chosen by People Magazine.  This decision came as a huge surprise to me – as a connoisseur of People’s annual man-flesh fest, the last person I expected to be on this year’s cover is Reynolds. I don’t think he’s even been in any movies since last year’s The Proposal, which did give us a good view of Mr. Reynolds’s washboard abs. (See exhibit A.)

Exhibit A: Ryan Reynolds's Abs.

The title Sexiest Man Alive carries a lot of heft behind it – many a leading man have had the honor of carrying a title that is somehow both ripe with meaning yet completely arbitrary all at once. Four men have won the title twice – Richard Gere, Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp. Those are some extremely sexy men, though I hope Brad Pitt will be able to take the title a third time sometime in his fifties. Because, damn. It does not get much better than Brad Fucking Pitt.

What one must also keep in mind when considering People‘s list, is that sexiness is a completely subjective trait. What I may find sexy about one man may be a complete turn-off for another woman. Also, being handsome does not equal being sexy. A man can have a square jaw, ocean-blue eyes, and sandy blonde hair and still be entirely unsexy.  This is because sexy has to do with many other factors, among which I include personality, sense of humor, intelligence, and general swagger.

Let me give you a real-life situation. I have a  lingering interest in two men we shall refer to as Guy A and Guy B. Guy A is handsome by my standards (square jaw, blonde, blue-eyed, and athletic) while Guy B is also handsome by my standards (square jaw, blonde, blue-eyed, and athletic). However, Guy B, though he is very polite, appears to have no visible sense of humor and takes himself super-seriously. Guy A, though he often comes off as an asshole to those who may not know too much about him, makes me laugh constantly and gives me orgasms without us actually having sex. I choose Guy A for obvious reasons – also, I may or not be attracted to him because of the way his skin smells – this reason supports to the theory that we are inherently attracted to those with immune systems very different from our own immune systems, which we discern from the smell of another person’s skin. It’s true. I heard about this in one of my favorite movies, 2 Days in Paris, so it must be true.

Anyway, now that I’ve bored you with that story, I must say that the surprise of Ryan Reynolds being named Sexiest Man Alive does not stem from his not being sexy. The title “Sexiest Man Alive” is often reserved for huge movie stars and the sons of Presidents (JFK Jr. was the only non-actor to win the title in 1988. But he deserved it, because he was really fucking hot.) Reynolds really is sexy, funny, and seemingly fly as hell, but it also seems that there are some sexier men of the moment that were overlooked.

There’s Jon Hamm, for instance, whose real-life personality makes him both a huge nerd and completely endearing because of it.

Exhibit B: Jon Hamm as Don Draper.

What about Alexander Skarsgaard, of True Blood fame?

Exhibit C: Alexander is all man.

Or what of my personal choice, Leonardo DiCaprio? The man just turned 36 – he’s all man, and one day I will make him mine!

Exhibit D: Leo, completely perfect in my wanting eyes.

We shall see who wins next year. In the meantime, enjoy your glory, Mr. Reynolds.

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