Ranking NFL Quarterbacks by Hotness

15 Dec

Football. What is it, really? I can’t really tell you since I have a vagina. One thing I do know about football provides an endless parade of hot men who wear those tight, stretchy pants and push each other angrily.  It’s time to rank football players by the only measure of human value that should ever be considered: hotness.

In case you also have female reproductive parts, you should know that the most important position on a football team is that of quarterback. The quarterback is the guy who throws the ball at an open offensive player, someone like a wide receiver. The quarterback’s success is measured in touchdown passes and passing yards. However, it is important to note the recurring chiseled and ruggedly handsome faces that grace the equally solid bodies of quarterbacks. The quarterback tends to be the hottest guy on the team. This is why many quarterbacks date supermodels and grace cologne ads with their manly presence.  Here is my list of the five hottest NFL starting quarterbacks:

5. Cam Newton

Cam Newton is the rookie QB for the Carolina Panthers. He resembles a Ken doll, but I am going to assume he has functional “parts”. That is all.

Jaw: 6/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Imitation Champagne.

4. Tom Brady

Tom Brady married Gisele Bundchen after she had enough of Leonardo DiCaprio and also dabbles in the modeling world from time to time. He also has three Superbowl rings, which serve as confirmation that he is the man.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Saltine cracker.

3. Eli Manning

Eli Manning is kind of goofy looking, but his money and acclaim still make him hot! His father, also a former NFL quarterback, proudly proclaims that his son is “not a runner”.  Described as a “one man team” a few weeks ago after a Giants game against the Cowboys, Manning is certainly better looking than his even more goofy-looking brother, Peyton.

Jaw: 7/10 Body: 7/10 Personality: Deep fried peanut butter sammy.

2. Tim Tebow

Despite Tebow’s overt love of Jesus – which is admirable, I suppose, but why should god care about football? – he just seems like a really nice guy. I’d like to bend down on on knee and give the phrase “Tebow Time” a whole new meaning.

Jaw: 8/10 Body: 9/10 Personality: Two loaves of bread and two fish.

1. Mark Sanchez

Mark Sanchez is carved from what I like to describe as an olive-colored block of sex. He is not yet the best QB out there, but he’s getting better and could lead the Jets to a Superbowl. He just needs to stop looking so pouty on the field. Oh wait, that’s just his hot face.

Jaw: 9/10 Body: 10/10 Personality: Tostitos.

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A Case for the Liberal Arts

11 Nov

Several recently published articles exploring STEM (Science, technology, engineering, and math) majors in college and their supposed “value” have truly rubbed me the wrong way. In each of these articles, the author argues that STEM majors are clearly the “best” and “most valuable” choices for young students today.  I believe that by promoting such nonsense, many young people are being wrongfully influenced to follow the dreams of others.

Many people like to mock people who chose to major in literature, history, or languages in college.  I still receive snorts from those who hear that I am a literature and history double major.  They generally turn up their noses, chortle at my life choices, and ask, “And what is it that you plan on doing with those majors?” The negative connotation that seems to be following the liberal arts as college becomes more expensive and good-paying jobs become more rare is highly unnecessary.  What people seem to forget is that not everything in this life is about making tons of money (though that does help move thing along), and while you are here, you should probably pursue something that both interests you and inspires within you the natural drive to succeed, no matter what your chosen field.

I know several peers who chose to study STEM majors in college. A few of them studied engineering, a field that seems to receive endless acclaim from those who think it is the ONLY thing to study. All of the young people I know who went on to become engineers absolutely HATE the field of work they went into.  Of course there are engineers who likely love what they chose to do, but some kids end up being miserable in such fields. Why is this? More than likely, they were trying to please their parents. This is the biggest mistake any young student could make, and should be avoided at all costs.  My parents kept telling me to be a doctor, but I knew I did not have the inclination toward science to achieve such a thing. Instead, I followed my gut, and studied the subjects I loved.

In an article titled “College Majors Matter,” author Catehrine Rampell states that student “should…be thinking about whether the specific college degree they’re considering is marketable.” But what is marketability? Aren’t creative thinking skills and an ability to read, analyze, and create valuable skills? These are things the liberal arts major learns in school, and they are a dying art form.

A New York Times commenter who goes by the name Snacktastic made the following observation about college majors:

Well, this directly reflects on how we view society, work and the value of education. There is plenty about the liberal arts that allows people to develop a certain level of cultural and intellectual understanding and critical analysis that can not only help them challenge aspects of social norms but also is transferrable to other types of work and training. It also provides the kinds of social capital that allows people to enter into critical dialogs with people in power positions, allowing for some transmission of ideas from the bottom up rather than solely from the top down IF we find that diversity among scholars is an important value.

Unfortunately, at this period in our capitalistic economy, we are saying that more and more that this critical kind of understanding should remain the provenance of the elite who can afford to enter into these types of intellectual environments and as a result, will shape intellectual thought and dialog in this country. On the other hand, the average Jill and Jack should get the message that our worth to society should be predicated solely on our ability to function and feed into capitalism without any type of reflection of the problems of dominant social values and how that functions to maintain the status quo.

It’s easy to mock liberal arts students and to laugh at people’s debts, finding them stupid. Of course, we’ll pay the price as a society, if for nothing else, we’ll continue to look at every failure, blip and inequity as evidence of someone’s personal failures (Why didn’t they major in science? Why didn’t they go to a cheaper school?) and never question what is going on in society, in that we are commodifying everything. It’ll further diminish the kinds of critical dialog in this country or the idea that there is something wrong with the citizen worker model. Nothing will ever change until we have the ability to look at how problematic this Horatio Alger idea of hyperindividualism and a slavish devotion to strict versions of capitalism is.

Another commenter, Mr. Pointy, offered the following:

This new conventional wisdom that one should only major in something potentially lucrative is bumming me out. Also, it completely contradicts my lived experience where the only millionaire I know personally was an Art History major and now directs a department of a major auction house. I was an English major and make $90K in my arts-related job. My college friend who was a Women’s Studies major runs her own business (that has nothing to do with Women’s Studies, and she is a shining example of your major not determining what you end up doing in life). Her partner who was an art major? Runs a media company. Another friend who majored in linguistics? Works for a marketing firm and leads their team in charge of naming products and makes six figures (the second highest earner in my social circle after the millionaire Art History major). I have a musician friend who has a composition degree and now works for Apple on the iTunes team analyzing music (his job has something to do with the Genius algorithim but I don’t really understand it). I also know a handful of other art students who now work for Pixar, ILM and WETA. They all make decent livings. The folks I know who have been laid-off and are currently unemployed? Lawyers and MBAs, and one scientist. So much for conventional wisdom, huh?

I suppose it’s possible that I live in some kind of bubble/alternate reality where people with “fun” degrees and creative jobs are doing well and the people who went the “practical” route are struggling but I kind of doubt it.

I guess what I’m trying to say is choosing a major based on perceived practicality is no guarantee of future success. Likewise, choosing what is considered a “fun” or frivolous major is no guarantee of failure and a life of crushing debt and disappointment. If you have a vision of where you want to go, and drive and ambition, and know how to work connections, you can make anything work. Part of me fears all this talk around “practical” degrees is part of the brainwashing of the 99% — an effort to make sure we don’t dream or create, think only in practical terms, and conceive of ourselves only as cogs in the machine with narrowly defined purposes and set tasks to perform. We train for a job, we do that job, we buy stuff and do/say/think nothing to challenge the status quo.

What should a young student learn from these comments? It’s simple. Follow your heart and your dreams, and success will surely follow.

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Love of Mine

10 Oct

God only knows why it’s taken me so long to let my doubts go. You’re the only one that I want.

Please, please come back to me.

Everbody Dies, Even Steve Jobs.

5 Oct

Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

Steve Jobs died on Wednesday, a day after the latest iPhone incarnation debuted without his famous black turtleneck and friendly smirk by its shiny side. Jobs was a veritable innovator, visionary, and, in my opinion, a genius.

Steve Jobs was born in 1955 in San Francisco, California to Abdulfattah John Jandali, a Syrian Muslim immigrant, and Joanne Schieble, though later adopted by Paul and Clara Jobs of Mountain View, California.  While in high school, Jobs attended after-school lectures at Hewlett-Packard, where he would eventually land a summer job and meet his future business partner, Steve Wozniak. Jobs enrolled at Reed College in Portland, Oregon, though he dropped out after only one semester. He continued to audit classes while sleeping on the couches of his friends, and one class he audited, a calligraphy class, would help Jobs to shape the creative vision of Apple, Inc.

Jobs founded Apple Computer, Inc. on April 1, 1976 in Cupertino, California, alongside Steve Wozniak and the little-known Ronald Wayne, who would voluntarily sell his share in the company for a mere $2,300.  Jobs and Wozniak built their first machine, the Apple I, to fulfill an order made by a local computer store known as The Byte Shop.  The original Apple I sold for $666.66, and would lead to the creation of several innovative machines that would change computing forever.  The Apple II and Apple III debuted in 1977 and 1980, respectively, but many Americans would first encounter Apple computers when the Macintosh debuted in 1984.

As a young elementary school student in Kingwood, Texas, I recall learning how to use a computer on a Macintosh. I first typed on a Mac, played Oregon Trail on a Mac, and accidentally hit the escape button on a Mac. After moving to Colorado, all the computers in the schools I attended continued to happen to be Macs. When I entered NYU as a freshman, Apple, Inc. dominated the education world – though really, just the entire world.

In 1985, Steve Jobs left Apple to co-found Pixar.  When he returned to Apple in 1997, nothing in the world of computing would ever be the same again.  After Apple, Inc. introduced the multicolored iMac in 1998, the new Apple revolution unfolded.  In 2001, Jobs introduced the iPod, which would lead to the creation of the MacBook, iPhone, iPad, and a new series of iMacs.  The founding of the Apple Store in 2001 would cement Apple as a technology powerhouse.  All of the new products introduced by Jobs would continue to boast an increasingly simple yet beautiful design aesthetic. As a college student who had the honor of working as an Apple Campus Rep on the most Mac-friendly campus in the United States, the Apple revolution was underway.

In 2004, Jobs was diagnosed with a rare form of pancreatic cancer.  Though pancreatic cancer typically has a very poor prognosis, Jobs continued to work for Apple, appearing at keynotes to introduce new products. Wearing his signature St. Croix mock neck turtle and Levi’s, Jobs introduced every major new Apple product with a signature style that no individual will likely replicate in the future.

When Steve Jobs died on Wednesday, he left behind a legacy that is both beautiful and controversial.  He was the purveyor of simplicity in technology, yet he was also the head of an empire that many may view as the source of evil. The controversy of how Apple products are made – primarily in Chinese factories at the hands of young laborers – will likely continue to grow in the wake of his death.  However, Apple, Inc. is now one of the most profitable companies in the world, with a revenue of $65.3 billion in 2010.

I could not imagine a proper life as a creative and artist without the help of Apple. Most of my peers in the creative field depend on Apple as a source of help with their work, and I intend to continue my use of Apple products for years to come.

Steve Jobs made a living doing what he enjoyed, and it is this simple action that will guide any person to success.  As Jobs described the search for one’s “dream job”: “If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.”

Pour one out for Steve Jobs.

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Oh, the Humanity: Most Eligible Dallas

7 Sep

The cast of Most Eligible Dallas posing next to a giant star and a cow skull, y'all.

Bravo recently debuted a new series following the lives of several young singles in The Big D. That’s Dallas, for all of you unfamiliar with the pseudo-sexual nicknames for Texas cities. Bravo describes the show as follows:

They’re young, they’re hot, they’re single –- they’re Dallas’ Most Eligible. From beauty queens to pro-football players, this group of Texas socialites proves that everything’s bigger in Texas –- including the drama. Some are looking for true love while others have perfected the art of the one-night stand, and somehow their love lives have all crossed paths at one time or another. Dallas serves as the sexy backdrop for this jaw-dropping series that follows a group of successful friends living it up in the lone star state.

Oh boy! Where to begin!?! The show has a cast of people so wrapped up in themselves and their semi-important social lives that it’s almost too easy to make fun of them. The jokes about this show practically write themselves!

First up is Tara, a rich Texas blonde with a heart of gold. Tara is also a runaway bride, calling off a total of four engagements! Tara spends a lot of her free time rescuing dogs, and in the first episode, we see her bring home a doomed puppy named Sheniqua.  Tara also wants us to know that she lives a few blocks away from former President Bush and informs us of the power the presence of the Secret Service has over her: “when you see the Secret Service going down the street all the time, it makes you feel wither really safe, or like, al-Qaeda could be down the street.”

Another interesting subject is Drew, the show’s token gay male. In the series-opener, Drew tells his sad tale of woe as a former overweight son of a major luxury car-dealing family. Of course he was able to afford gastric bypass surgery, and he lost weight.  He also injects himself with female hormones to keep the weight off. This is interesting for someone who prides himself on being a manly kind of gay man who can talk about “fuel injection” all the livelong day. My favorite quote from Drew is not necessarily amusing but centers on his pronunciation of the word “button”: “When I need something, I press a butt-un. I need a facial? I press a butt-un. I need my car brought up? I press a butt-un.”

Perhaps the only person I sympathize with in any way on this show is Courtney, a fashionista who dreams of finding the right man for her. The only problem is that the right man for her just might be her best guy friend, Matt, another subject followed on the show.  Although Courtney claims that her feelings for Matt are purely platonic, she gets really mad when Matt brings his gaggles of hoes around. So far, the show follows this continuing issue between Courtney and Matt. Personally, they should both get over themselves and fuck already. This advice comes from personal experience.

The subjects followed on the show I did not yet mention are Neill and Glenn, a single 23-year-old mom (who appears older) and an alleged NFL punter who is quite boring and got released from the Raiders last week. Yawn.

Most Eligible Dallas airs Monday nights on Bravo. I’ll be watching!

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News Flash: Good-Looking People Are Rude-Ass Bitches

16 Aug

As long as this planet exists, “science” will continue to fund “studies” that make you think “no shit”. The latest study providing us with obvious answers is an article by The Observer asking the question, “Are beautiful people ‘selfish by nature’?” According to the results of a study, “people blessed with more symmetrical facial features, which are considered more attractive, are less likely to cooperate and more likely to selfishly focus on their own interests.”

I consider John mayer to be the best looking man on the planet. But is he also a d-bag? Some evidence points to yes.

I can agree with this for a few reasons. I cannot think how many times I saw a super-hot guy I wanted to get to know but soon noticed that he was a douchebag from hell. There’s one guy in particular at my place of work who looks as though he stepped off the pages of GQ, but I soon found out from others that he has a snobby, holier-than-thou attitude that makes me no longer interested in seeing what he’s storing in his pants. Perhaps the real question that the article should pose is, “are hot people with bad attitudes one of the biggest turn-offs ever?” Survey says, fuck yes.

The theory that better-looking people think that they themselves are better and/or more deserving than their less attractive counterparts is nothing new. It is also stereotypical to assume that because someone is good-looking that they always have to be mean. From personal experience, I have to say that attractive mean people outnumber unattractive mean people by two-to-one, but it must also be understood that neither quality is mutually exclusive.  Being aware that you are attractive is one thing, but holding that over someone else’s head is quite another. I myself know that I am not anywhere near being ugly, and that I likely am considered attractive by “science,” but I really do not hope that I am perceived as mean because of this. If I am ever mean or less “cooperative,” as the article discusses, it’s probably due to someone’s bad attitude.

Very recently, a good friend of mine drunkenly sprung the following declaration upon an unsuspecting female victim: “I don’t know if you know this, but I’m hot.” How embarrassing. Perhaps the most troubling thing is that I’m friends with this person! Gross. Sorry boy, but if you are actually that hot, you probably don’t need to go around saying such poppycock.

One of the questions I want to ask is: what about people who think they’re hot (but they’re not) and subsequently go around proclaiming said hotness, all the while treating other people like shit? What can be said about those people? I suppose they are simply delusional in two dimensions, both about their looks and their sense of entitlement. However, one of the meanest people I know is also one of the least physically attractive, so perhaps that is an example of poetic justice in nature.

What have we learned today, children? There are only a few things worse than a pretty person with a poor attitude: accidentally pouring hot sauce onto an open wound, foreclosures, and the food at Applebee’s. This brings us to the next topic to be explored on Fixed Air – Bravo’s latest reality show, Most Eligible: Dallas. It’s about good-looking people who are (surprise!) rude-ass bitches. Lates.

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Amy Winehouse & the Poeticism of “The 27 Club”

31 Jul

Amy Winehouse 1983-2011

There’s some place in the universe where fallen rock stars and actors congregate, a place mere mortals will never get the chance to see. The fascination with dying young and talented once again surfaced in the news this past weekend when Amy Winehouse left our world last weekend. She left through the portal of London, but there’s no doubt that she’d be allowed entrance into the post-mortem clubhouse occupied by the likes of Hendrix, Morrison, and Joplin.

When I first heard the news, it was over the radio. The disc jockey made a tasteless joke about Amy’s hit song “Rehab,” and her famous declaration that “no, no, no,” she would not be going. There’s a stigma against addicts that exists constantly but seems to become more strong when a famous addict dies. Amy Winehouse’s rebellion song against something that is expected to help her (And she attempted rehabilitation several times, only to seem to have to return again.) came back to haunt her as she faced the death that many tragic figures meet.

There is no glory in dying slowly from the abuse of alcohol and drugs. There are people in my life I fear will one day succumb to years of abuse of alcohol and drugs, and the thought of having to find them after everyone else leaves them to die truly scares me. Unfortunately, there’s really nothing you can do for people suffering from addiction until they themselves realize how they are hurting themselves and others.

The night of Ms. Winehouse’s death, I listened to Back to Black  for the first time in years. The album, of course known for its huge hit “Rehab,” is a multi-layered journey capturing the heartbreak of life and love. One of the songs I identify with is “You Know I’m No Good,” displays the conflicted feelings Amy Winehouse had about loving men who she knew sucked, but she just could not seem to help to stop. This is often the case with many women, and it seems that Amy allowed several of her relationships, especially her marriage to Blake Fielder-Civil, affect her in ways that only the use of alcohol and drugs could soften. Perhaps my favorite song on the album is “Tears Dry On Their Own,” a tragic song disguised by fast beats and a chorus of women in the background. Amy sings, “I fucked myself in the head with stupid men.” Unfortunately, I identify with this, as I suspect many women do.

The pain displayed in her voice gives Winehouse a place in the kingdom of female singer-songwriters suffering over men, loneliness, and struggles with sadness. Without Amy Winehouse, there would be no Duffy, no Adele, and likely no interest at all in female singers pouring out their hearts about things that matter.

The 27 Club now has a new member, though it’s still unclear what impact Winehouse’s music will continue to have in the years to come. Winehouse did not likely peak artistically, but the art she left behind will serve as a reminder of the pain and struggle that comes with genius. She is perhaps not a Janis Joplin or Jim Morrison in terms of artistry, but she stands alongside them as another example of what dying young can do for one’s talent. It seems as though no one truly appreciates anyone until they’ve died, and Ms. Winehouse appears as yet another recruit for post-mortem legend status. Pour one out for Amy Winehouse.

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Lesson Learned: What the Death of Ryan Dunn Taught Us

25 Jun

In case you have not yet heard, Ryan Dunn, star of Jackass and Viva La Bam, among other classic MTV offerings, died very early last Monday morning when he crashed his 2007 Porsche 911 GT3 in Pennsylvania. The passenger in his car, Zachary Hartwell, also died. The accident happened after a night of drinking by Dunn and friends at a local bar, and many are placing the blame for the accident on Dunn’s reputation as a daredevil with a disregard for self-respect or for the lives of others.

Many of the comments I heard about Dunn’s death are extremely self-serving and opportunist. There’s quite a bit of talk of how he “wasted” his entire life only to selfishly take someone down with him.  I cannot agree with this sentiment. Dunn made a living having fun with his friends, and I am quite sure that many of the young people who have decried his death probably watched Jackass a time or two.  Additionally, the fact tat Dunn’s passenger also died presents multiple issues regarding responsibility.  The passenger chose to get in the car with a driver who drank.  The likelihood of some sort of lawsuit emerging from this horrible, fiery car crash is inevitable. However, the truth is that Dunn’s demise is the fate of quite a bit of young people who disregard laws about drinking and driving.

A post on TheDirty.com (I cannot believe I am referring to that site) has a poster proclaim, “Ryan Dunn deserved to die”. Really? Does anyone ever “deserve” to die? I cannot say that I have ever thought someone “deserved” to die. I do recall a student I knew in college who was quite mean to me. He ended up dying in a horrible electrocution accident on a film set just a few months later. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time what had happened, and his only response was, “karma is a bitch.” Shocked at this statement and touched by my Catholic guilt, I went to St. Patrick’s Cathedral and lit a candle for the poor boy. Surely he did not deserve to die.

So what did we learn from Ryan Dunn’s death? Do not drink and drive – a lesson that people should know by now but sadly have not. Do not get in a car with a friend who’s been drinking. Stop them from driving. Do not drive your Porsche 130 mph on a winding road – this could surely be a mistake for anyone, sober or not.

Perhaps the most startling thing about Dunn’s death – for me, at least – is the very young age at which he died. I am always put off by hearing stories of the young dying, especially those with loved ones and friends who will live decades after their friend.  A television interview with Bam Margera at the site of the crash showed the true pain of a young death – a grown man crying profusely at the loss of his best friend, weak and defeated.  My discomfort at seeing Margera cry in turn caused me to cry. Margera will now live without his best friend – someone he considered his brother.  This is what people should consider when recalling Dunn’s demise. Through actions he chose, he left behind those who love him.

What can you do to prevent accidents like the one that killed Ryan Dunn? Make safe driving arrangements on a night of drinking. For those living in the Colorado Springs area, I recommend using the services of No DUI Colorado Springs. This is a FREE service offered at the most popular bars in Colorado Springs. Some of the bars they service are Copperhead Road, The Hatch Cover, The Mansion, Meadow Muffins, Phantom Canyon, Tony’s and Dublin House. You can visit their website at www.noduicosprings.com.

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Proper Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation: Why These Things Matter

15 Jun

Do errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation irritate you? Do said errors often cause you to formulate an opinion on a person’s character or level of education? This is an issue that persists in my day-to-day life and interactions with others. I am a snob about spelling, grammar, and punctuation, and yes, I will judge you for making consistent mistakes in your communication with me.

Nothing seems to annoy me more than the use of “text speak,” or shortened bits of language used often by serially sinful texters. I cannot stand the substitution of “u” for “you” or “r” for “are. I simply do not understand why people think this proper English. Unfortunately, this trend spills over into every aspect of communication we see in use today.

My recent foray into online dating shows a severe lack of care among adults with the way they present themselves to others. One would-be suitor sent me the charming message, “wut r u lookin for in a man, cuz u got what i need”. My profile states that I am a college graduate with an English degree. This apparently means nothing to men who are on the hunt for ass. The fact that this young man thought he could eventually remove my panties by writing such an asinine sentence (I am cringing at even calling it a “sentence”) is completely unbelievable to me. Whatever happened to one taking a sense of pride in his or her communicative abilities? What’s even worse is that many professionals use this sort of language in the workplace!

A recent article appearing in the Huffington Post declared, “Craigslist Ads with Good Grammar Get Better Response.” The only thing I could say to this conclusion: duh. Think of the effort it takes to scour Craigslist for furniture, roommates, or jobs. You would like for the ads you read to be clear, concise, and free of any errors, so as not to waste your precious earth time. However, obvious errors in spelling and grammar could change whether or not one would be inclined to answer an ad. When I see a job posting with loads of grammatical and spelling errors, I will not apply for that job. The thought of having to work with people who take so little pride in how they present themselves professionally is truly disturbing to me.

Robert Lane Greene, a contributor to The Economist interviewed by the Huffington Post, proclaimed “we judge each other’s writing as a way of saying some other person doesn’t have the kind of education we have.” I cannot lie and say that I have not made judgments on the levels of education of others based on their writing. Writing clearly and effectively is the most critical skill a person could possess, and it shocks me every time I notice someone with an obvious inattention to their spelling, grammar, or punctuation.

Perhaps I am a total snob when it comes to writing well, But I can not think of another ability with as much value in today’s world. Of course not everyone loves language and the possibilities that beautiful writing can present to an individual, but it is not much to ask for when I hope to have suitors with an ability to spell or employers who are as educated as myself. Taking pride in your writing is a baby step toward longevity and success in both your professional and private lives.

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TLC’s Extreme Couponing: I Don’t Get It

31 May

Desirae shows off her stockpiles.

Last night I caught two episodes of TLC’s Extreme Couponing, a show that follows people who devote countless hours and effort to saving money on groceries with coupons. When TLC calls this show “extreme,” they are not fucking around. I’m talking about women who are able to use enough coupons to pay only $6.50 for almost $700 worth of groceries. If TLC wanted to be even more accurate, this show should be named Crazy People Doing Crazy Things to Save Crazy Amounts of Money.

One episode featured Desirae, a 24-year-old mother and housewife who devotes over 60 hours per week to her couponing practices. The introductory shot of Desirae shows a young, plump woman in glasses and a put-together outfit standing in a dumpster, on the hunt for coupons. That’s right – Desirae makes it a part of her normal routine to dumpster-dive for the pages of coupons that are thrown out with Sunday newspapers. Desirae also maintains several large binders of coupons, organized alphabetically by brand and category.

Like every woman I saw on this show, Desirae keeps a highly organized stockpile of her discounted goods in her basement.  Rows upon rows of packaged food, bottled drinks, and cans of vegetables line Desirae’s cellar. Desirae proudly points to her stockpile of razors. “These razors have a retail value of $4,000,” Desirae beams. Somehow I doubt Desiree will have a need for $4,000 worth of Bic razors in her lifetime. I’ve decided that she’s certifiable.

Later on in the show, after we see how Desirae collects her coupons, we follow Desirae on a shopping trip to her local Albertsons store. After literally shutting down the store’s register with her hundreds of items and hundreds of coupons, the store manager has to make a call to Albertson’s corporate offices to approve the massive purchase. After the manager and a flustered cashier finish the transaction on a tiny calculator, Desirae pays 55 cents for over $1,000 worth of groceries. Very impressive.

Jessica and her stockpiles - ready for a war. Or the rapture.

Desirae, like many of the women featured on Extreme Couponing, appears to get some sort of high from saving money, and, in some ways, cheating the system through the use of coupons. I could not help but wonder if things would be different for women like Desirae if they had actual jobs. One may argue that their job is taking care of their family, and that couponing helps them to do that. I do think that if the 60 hours Desirae spends each week on her coupon habits were spent on work for pay, that perhaps things would be different. Maybe Desiree would not be so worried about money. Also, does it not it seem odd to spend 60 hours on saving money while exerting the energy one would spend at a normal job?

I understand the American mentality of wanting a bargain. However, the ladies of Extreme Couponing take this mentality to, well, the extreme. Another episode featured Jessica, a very pretty housewife (whose husband appeared to be three times her age) who explains to the TV audience how a coupon for $3 off clearance vitamins will make her $1 for every can she buys. The math these ladies perform is astounding. It seems that the habit of “extreme couponing” is almost like a mental illness, or a compulsion to save money. I also think it can be compared to compulsive shopping, though in the end, these women are not collecting shoes and leather purses, but name-brand packages of food. Will shelves of cans and boxes of food become a new status symbol following the misery of the Great Recession? Perhaps not, but Desirae and Jessica will surely be prepared for a slew of natural disasters and/or alien invasions for years to come. Fixed Air salutes you, ladies.

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